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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Dad died.

47 replies

newpup · 07/07/2011 05:56

My dad died yesterday. Not sure why I am posting really. Shocked to discover I have wrinkles this morning from all the crying! Just feel so sad.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 07/07/2011 06:07

I'm so sorry. I now have grey hair after mine died! I came on hear to talk it did help.

X

TanteRose · 07/07/2011 06:17

I am so sorry for your loss, newpup Sad

and Love Sad

Sexonlegs · 07/07/2011 07:22

I am so sorry newpup :(

I have found the bereavemenet threads on Mumsnet a real help, as sadly so many of us have lost loved ones.

Take care.

MaryBS · 07/07/2011 07:35

Sorry to hear that, newpup :(

Bloodybridget · 07/07/2011 08:44

Very sorry. Talk on here, tell us about him. Was it unexpected?

mumblechum1 · 07/07/2011 08:46

Very sorry, Newpup. Sad

ggirl · 07/07/2011 08:50

so sorry , had he been ill for a while?

Original poster
newpup · 07/07/2011 11:33

Thanks for replying. He was not old but had been battling cancer for a long time. We had time to prepare but how can you really? So sad I did not go to see him the day he died, I had been the day before and was due to go yesterday but was too late Sad

Not sure how it helps to post on here but it does. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 07/07/2011 15:46

I'd always thought it would help to know what was coming but it didn't help me either. Don't be too hard on yourself I'm sure he know you'd have been there if you could.

Sexonlegs · 07/07/2011 18:07

Newpup, it is impossible to guage when someone is going to pass :( I was in the house when my Mum died (also of cancer) and I heard her dying but was too afraid to go to her room. I feel so bloody guilty about it.

Had your Dad had cancer long?

aquos · 07/07/2011 18:14

My dad died of cancer when he was 56. I lived a 2 hour drive away and was on my way to see him but by the time I arrived he'd gone. Like you, we knew it was coming but it still hits you like a ton of bricks. I cried buckets; hankies and tissues were no where near enough and I resorted to carrying a hand towel around with me to deal with the tears and snot.

I am sorry to hear of your loss, I know it hurts like hell.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/07/2011 18:14

So sorry for your loss Sad. Do you have any family to support you?

usualsuspect · 07/07/2011 18:16

sorry for your loss Sad

keep posting if it helps

Original poster
newpup · 07/07/2011 19:53

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I keep telling myself that other people have coped with this before. I think we will have to wait a while for his funeral. Not sure if this is good or bad. My mum has asked me to do a reading. Hope I can manage it okay.

I have been told I can go and see him in the chapel of rest. Not sure if I can though. Would that help?

It is hard to watch my DDs grief too Sad

OP posts:
aquos · 07/07/2011 20:04

I didn't go to see my dad in the chapel of rest. It's a very personal choice, no right or wrong thing to do, whatever feels right for you.

I found the time between dad dying and the funeral flew by. So much to sort out. My mum was obviously in bits and I dealt with a lot of the legal and paperwork stuff for her. Organising is my thing and it helped me to be busy.

I think you're very brave to be considering doing a reading. I couldn't have done that.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/07/2011 20:33

I think it depends on the ages of your DD's.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 07/07/2011 20:46

So sorry to hear of the loss of your dad Sad

I lost my dad on 8th June after an illness too (very much like MND). I was with him when he died and I felt a very strong sense of him 'leaving' when he actually died; almost as if he'd left the room. I could make no connection with his body and the dad I loved and I very soon made the decision that I wouldn't see him again at the chapel of rest.

I would say it depends on your spiritual or religious leanings too, (I'm not religious) but imho I wouldn't feel pressured by any need to 'say goodbye' by attending the chapel of rest especially as it sounds like you regret not being there when he died. I know it can be of some comfort to many people but it can also be very upsetting (my dad looked like a totally different person as soon as he died). Your dad knew you loved him and I truely believe the dead are gone, whether they go 'somewhere else' or whether they just disappear. I feel that dad is around me, in my character and the way I feel and behave because of the way he brought me up; he's in the things we say to one another at home as he was very articulate and humorous and his influence is everywhere. I personally don't feel the need for a physical memorial of him, but as I said before, everyone is different. Go with what your instincts tell you.

And if you can, do the reading. I did dad's eulogy and I'm so glad I did. Somewhere I found the strength and I felt a huge amount of adrenaline that got me through the funeral and the whole day really. My dd's are 9 and 5 and they came to the funeral - I spent a lot of time talking about what they could expect and playing them the music we had so they would know what was going on; it definitely helped them.

I'm really very sorry for what you must be going through. It's very very sad. x

madamimadam · 07/07/2011 20:51

So sorry for your loss, new pup. Will say a prayer for him, and your family tonight. x

Original poster
newpup · 07/07/2011 21:12

Oneofsueslyvesterscheerios Thank you. Your post is very meaningful and I am sorry for your loss too Sad I am not religious either and a decision to go and see him in the chapel of rest is driven by a sadness I did not see him the day he died. Maybe reading at his funeral will be my goodbye to him Sad. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, it helps. x

OP posts:
Original poster
newpup · 07/07/2011 21:13

madamimadam thank you too for your prayers.

OP posts:
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 07/07/2011 21:23

xx

Is there anything that you closely associate with your dad that you could say your peace with? I know it might seem more 'fitting' or even what's expected to sit with his body in the chapel of rest to say goodbye but I'm getting the feeling that it wouldn't really help you. Instead why don't you take some time to be with whatever it is that connects you with your dad and say goodbye in your own way?

It gave me some comfort to have a lovely photo of dad with my dds in a prominent place in my living room, along with a little candle and (later) a copy of his order of service. I've stopped lighting the candle now but I love looking at the photo - sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes me makes me smile. I also have the last birthday card he gave me on the mantlepiece. He died 3 days after my birthday and he had dictated the message to dh as he couldn't write any more. I've only read it once as it hurts too keenly to re-read his words at the moment but the picture on the front is gorgeous and I know I'll be able to read it again sometime.

Music can help as well, I have found. We finished dad's funeral with 'Bring me sunshine' by Morecambe and Wise and I get such a lot of comfort listening to that and remembering my childhood with us all watching Eric and Ernie Smile

Be kind to yourself - it's a very hard time.

Original poster
newpup · 08/07/2011 08:14

That is a lovely way to remember your dad oneof.

Going to see mum today. Feel numb today. My eyes really hurt from crying in the night but today I just feel deeply sad Sad

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/07/2011 09:52

So sorry to hear about your dad!!! I lost my mum to cancer last summer, it is a very hard time.

I was with mum when she died and so made the decision not to go and see her in the chapel of rest as I had already said my goodbyes. Have you made a decision as to whether you are going to see your dad? I think just go and see him if you feel you really have to, you know, have that strong urge. If you are unsure I would leave it but thats just my personal thoughts on it.......it's hard but try and remember him the way he was before he was ill......images of my mum towards the end are awful and I am desperately trying to erase them.

Be gentle on yourself darling and keep talking, it really does help. xx

5inthebed · 08/07/2011 10:00

So sorry for your losses Newpup and Sue.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 08/07/2011 11:41

Good advice from Betty. Another thing I found really useful in that first week or so afterwards was just to get myself into a 'safe' place where I could blart my head off withut alarming the dds or anyone else - really proper howling and hurting until it had gone away again for a while.

This might also sound weird but I found it helpful to have very long hot showers - it was like the heat was helping with the pain. On the same lines, listening to music (mostly in the car) really really loud, again so it was almost hurting my ears. I don't know why these two things helped but I guess it's to do with pain sensors or something and it released a kind of calm afterwards. Sorry if that sounds too too strange!

newpup - the numbness is weird too. It wore off for me somewhat after the funeral and reality struck. But it helped to know that this huge 'downer' was coming after the numbness and the adrenaline of the immediate shock and the organising of the funeral.

The worst bit for me now is the physical missing of him; the touch of him, the talking to him. I keep saying to myself (which I am aware sounds a bit mad when you approach it logically) "Where's he gone?" I feel that part of the loss very acutely at the moment.

I came up with an analogy to help explain how I was feeling, initially for my boss who was saying to me that work might help as a distraction. (Don't get me wrong - he's been wonderful but he's also male, and when his mum died he threw himself into work, which isn't for everyone):

I feel like I have a very large, open wound at the moment. And I think that if I try to patch it up and hide it or try to mend it too quickly, it will become infected and it will come back much much worse and it won't get better. But if I let it heal very gradually and expect it to be a slow process, it will at least heal 'properly'. There will always be a scar there now, but one day I'll be able to touch it without it hurting.

I hope this helps. Writing about it and sharing feelings with someone in the same position helps as well. xx