Dad died.

[newpup]

My dad died yesterday. Not sure why I am posting really. Shocked to discover I have wrinkles this morning from all the crying! Just feel so sad.

Hello. Thanks for the advice and for sharing your feelings. Dads funeral will be on Friday. I have decided not to go and see him. I dont think it will give me any peace, I will try to remember him as he was before he was so very ill.

I cry alot in the shower and the car, when the DDs are not around. I still feel numb. I am not sleeping, stayed up all night last night just watching t.v! I am amazed that I dont feel tired at all! How can that be? Going to take the Dds to see mum today, my sis and bro will be there too. Mum wants to finalize the details for Friday. I went to see her on Friday and helped sort out some paperwork, insurance, bank stuff, passport etc. It was so hard to fill in forms with date of death and such on. Looking at Dads passport photo made me so sad. There was so much he wanted to do and see .

I am reading a poem that my mum has chosen. Hope I can manage it. Want to make my Dad proud.

Newpup :( I find I still cry in the shower and in the car (when the dd's are not with me) 6 months on.

My heart goes out to you. What poem are you reading?

I ran Race for Life today. I ran it last year too when Mum was still alive. Boy was it emotional.

I too am sorry for your loss.

I also lost my dad at about this time of year - it was three years ago now but it pings straight back into my mind at the end of the summer term. I guess it always will. I cannot say I feel any less sad - even now - but I do remember more of the rest of his life as the years have gone on and so I cry and smile these days. I cannot stop wishing I could have him back but I remember him as all of the person he was now (does that make sense) and I know that he would want me to be happy and it is odd but I feel almost as though I carry him around in my mind, because I cannot share things with him I find I make up for that by trying to think what he would think about matters. I look at my children and see him in them, I guess that is how he carries on.

Crikey, here I am with the tears rolling again but I don't feel ashamed to be sad, it is natural (and I think even honourable) to grieve for those you love and it does help to release it (well it helps me).

Do be kind to yourselves - there is nothing that anyone can say to make it better but I agree with the others that talking does help.

So sorry for your loss, I have just lost my dad as well (two weeks ago, very suddenly). I found this quote on some other website - apparently it's an old proverb
'Say not in grief 'he is no more' but live in thankfulness that he was' which I found quite helpful.

Newpup if I hadn't have been with dad when he died, which was an accident, then I wouldn't have gone to see him either.

I totally understand everything you are saying, the shower was a great place for me to cry also.

Try and think of some happy stories for the funeral, it's time to make sure that all those little things about him are remembered. I kept myself very busy with tasks and I guess it did help some.

I think it's normal to think about the things that were never done but always dreamed of. I always feel sad driving past the rugby ground, he loved it and whilst we went to a game together around a year before, I always wanted to get him a season ticket.

Newpup, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Cancer is a bastard.

You sound like you are coping amazingly well as well as supporting your Mum through this. Families can pull together in the most fantastic way during these times.

I read at both my father's and DH's funerals. I was so pleased I did. For both, my initial reaction was that I would never be able to do it, but something took over me and gave me the strength to do it. DH asked me to read at his after he saw me read at my father's. On the eve of DH's funeral, I had a long chat with my brother (who also read at Dad's and was going to read at DH's). He said, the thing is you only get one shot and if you don't do it, it's something that you will never be able to do again. For some reason rather than putting more pressure on me, that helped incredibly. I remember standing in the garden of rest afterwards and thinking my DB was so right, and thank God I had given my tribute. I will never, ever have a fear of public speaking again (although both times, Rescue Remedy and a stiff G&T helped too).

Your Dad will be proud of you, always. Deep breaths.

Be kind to yourself and it's good you're crying - it helps. xxx

Dad's funeral today . Feel peaceful this morning but nervous about my reading and hope it all goes well for my Dad. Hoping my mum can cope with today and worried about what happens after. She/we have thrown ourselves into planning today.What next?

Thank you again for your kind words. It is touching to hear from those who know how it feels and take the time to share. x

Will be thinking of you today. I didn't know what to expect tbh. Hope the Reading goes well.

Btw dint think about tomorrow, just get through today.

I'm thinking of you too. It's a lovely day here in London so I hope it is wherever you are. Take a few deep breaths before you start reading, and take your time. One of my dearest friends died five years ago today; I read at her funeral and was glad I had done it.
Afterwards, you will have OK times and dreadful times; mourning can seem to go on for ever, but it will get easier, I promise. You and your mum can help each other and talk about your dad together, and it may be a comfort to each of you to know that your grief is shared. Keep talking here too; so many people will know what you are going through and there will be lots of kindness and sympathy.

Well, funeral is over. The weather was good, no rain and everything went to plan. It all feels surreal now. But, today I feel awful because in order to get through yeaterday I sort of shut down emotionally. I did not cry, not even a tear. I felt numb all day. I saw the coffin come in and everyone else was crying, my mum, sister, relatives and I just felt calm and steady! I was expecting to sob or cry or sniff but nothing. I feel as if I must be made of stone. I just shut down and shook hands and smiled at people and mentally went somewhere else.

My reading was fine, I felt calm and peaceful and I did not falter once. I am so glad I did it. I just feel that I am not ready to say goodbye yet. I know he is gone but was expecting to feel closure at the funeral and I felt nothing. Now feel dreadful that I am some kind of heartless monster. I feel so alone.

newpup

Well done for coping so amazingly well yesterday. You did what you did to help you get through the most difficult of days. If it helps you, I didn't cry at my father's funeral last year. I was far calmer than I ever thought I could have been. Yet a couple of years before I shed buckets at my uncle's funeral (an uncle I barely ever saw).

You are no heartless monster. Your words here show that. The funeral is just one day of all the others. It's a big part of the process of saying goodbye, but it is not the only day and the grieving process is ongoing. You have every day now going forwards and some of those days will probably be very difficult, others will be easier.

Another thing I will say is that your father died of cancer (bastard, bastard cancer). You have sadly had time to adjust to the idea of first your father's illness and then the knowledge that it would kill him. Your grieving process I am sure started quite a long time ago.

Be kind to yourself, be gentle. It is patently obvious how much you love your father and how much you miss him.

Big hug to you xxxx

Newpup, I'm so sorry to read about your dad. I am absolutely certain that your reaction yesterday was just your way of coping. The fact that you love your dad is obvious in all your posts. It was another way of supporting your mum too, as it sounds as if you were everybody's rock yesterday. You are not a heartless monster, more a loving, strong, grieving daughter. xxx

You are not heartless. There are no rules about when or how much you cry. Don't underestimate the pressure of being able to get through the reading. Everyone works through the stages of grief differently.

Thank you so much for responding x. I stayed in bed all day yesterday, just sleeping and crying. I think I needed to just step out the world for a bit. Feel a bit stronger today but just so low and sad. Trying to keep it together for the DDs.

One of the hardest things to come out of this is how my DH has reacted. We have been together a long time and I guess I thought he would be there for me. He was working away when Dad died and came home for the day to take DDs to school etc. but he went back the next day and carried on as normal. He was at the funeral but was quite distant from me. He has not asked how I am or made a cup of tea or anything. He is just acting as if nothing has happened. I am not sure what to make of this at all. He is almost ignoring me.

Thank you so much for all your kind words.

He probably just doesn't know what to do or say, plus if you've been together a long time he has his own grief to deal with. It's not a competition but he needs to understand it is tough for you right now, tell him what you want/need.

My dh was very close to my dad, he found it very difficult to deal with and is still upset by it all as well as worrying about me.

You are probably right namechange. He has known my Dad since he was a teenager. I slept all weekend. I did not realize how tired I was, I just slept and cried all weekend. I felt safe, tucked up in bed away from the world but have to come back to reality today. DD1 has broken up but DD2 has another week. My mums sister is staying with her for a week so my sis, bro and I can try and be 'normal' again for a while. Sis and bro have to go back to work today. I will go and stay for a few days next week when DD2 has broken up.

Is it normal to feel so fragile? Feel like I am made of glass and could shatter any minute. I miss Dad so much.

Yes it is. The fact is mo matter how you feel that is normal cause there really is no normal.

You just have to take it one day at a time. I remember saying I can't cope with all of this how will I get through it? And a wise mnetter told o would, because you have to and you just do, afterwards I will say I don't know how I did it and she is/was right!

Thank you.x

newpup, all your thoughts and feelings are familiar to me; it really is so very lonely, i agree. i know how much i hurt and i can only offer my understanding of how you feel.

Thank you can'tfindthewords. Trying to keep buzy, my lovely house has been severely neglected over the last few weeks. So much to do here, trying to find satisfaction in cleaning. Washing wooden floors and cleaning windows. Going to scrub the bathrooms until they gleam next. Talked to my DB last night. It was so sad to hear him struggling to cope. He is finding going back to work hard. It was somehow comforting to talk to him as he has lost the same person and loved Dad as much as I did.

It is helping to post on here, somehow sharing my private thoughts with real people who do not know who I am is comforting. I am so grateful to everyone who takes the time to read and post.

It is 3 weeks since Dad died now It feels like a lot longer. The weeks have dragged. I am so low. I am getting on with life and all the things I have to do but inside I am breaking up. I have never been lonely before.

My mum is coping just but the bad days are really bad. She can be so mean to those around her. I know this is part of her grief but it is hard. I miss Dad every day. The only 'good' thing is that in my head when I think of Dad he is not sick. He is well and healthy like he used to be. He was ill for such a long time I worried I would only ever see him that way but thankfully I remember him as he used to be.

I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day.

I wish I could pass on something insightful which will help but unfortunately there are no shortcuts to dealing with this. My dad died 20 years ago and I lost my mum 10 years ago. I remember thinking after my mum died that I didn't have the strength, the energy to deal with the first year - because I knew from losing my dad that whilst you never stop missing them the pain is less raw after the first year. The first birthday and Christmas they miss, the first anniversary of their death are all really hard.

All I can say is don't over analyse how you feel, sometimes you'll feel angry, other times completely overwhelmed with grief and sometimes you'll feel happy - and that will make you feel guilty. All is completely normal and you will learn to live with this but it will take time.