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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I have just found out that my friend's baby has died

38 replies

darksideofthemooncup · 29/05/2011 22:56

I have been away on holiday and have just had a call from a mutual friend to tell me that our friend's 5 month old passed away on friday. I had a text from my friend asking if I was about and I tried to call her (this was before I knew) but she hasn't replied. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through and I guess I just need some guidance as to how to help her.

OP posts:
UrsulaBuffay · 29/05/2011 22:58

Oh I'm so sorry. Someone will be along soon with excellent advice. Have a hug in the meantime.

Wottywot · 29/05/2011 22:59

How awful. If you have an address could you send some flowers or a card with a message and maybe put your details in saying if she ever needs you you are always there for her or something similar not sounding too pushy....she might just want to be alone at the moment so its a tough one.

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 29/05/2011 23:02

Thank you both, I don't really know what to do at the moment I just feel so bloody useless

OP posts:
Grabaspoon · 29/05/2011 23:03

I am so sorry to hear about your friends baby. How sad. As Wottywot said she may want to be alone however maybe if you wanted to do something it'd be nice for you to write a not or letter. Do you have any photos of the baby that she doesn't ie ones taken on your camera - maybe include these :)

:(

UrsulaBuffay · 29/05/2011 23:08

I have no experience but often read on MN that people who have had losses really appreciate people not slinking off and actually do want their friends to be there and acknowledge, so I think in your situation I would contact your friend and take things from there.

meditrina · 29/05/2011 23:12

I am so sorry, this is dreadful.

I suggest you write a condolence letter straight away - even if all you can think to put is one sentence saying how sorry you are.

Follow up with offers of help - either generally as good wishes, or practically if you can (care of other children, hand holding whilst dealing with practicalities, taking other children out to play). Make a note now in your diary about the child's birthday and anniversary so you remember them in future years and offer support then too.

ChippingIn · 29/05/2011 23:13

Oh no :(

Definitely send a text & leave a voice msg tomorrow - just say that you have only just heard about x and that you want to do whatever you can for them, but want to give them some space so to call if they want you and if you don't hear from them you will call again in a couple of days.

Was the baby sick before you went away?

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 29/05/2011 23:36

Thank you all for your advice it is much appreciated. I can't let her know that I know as the girl who told me (she is very young) was devastated to have to break the news and begged me not to tell my friend that she had told me. I saw them both the week before last and the baby was fine. Just so terribly terribly sad.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 23:54

acknowledge that you know
offer to be around for her.
do ask the hard questions - does she need help with appts, funeral arrangement,is there other practical stuff you can do

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 30/05/2011 00:02

I think I am going to phone her dad tomorrow and offer to go down to be with her. I keep thinking of all the stuff that needs to be done. Its not even as if she has a partner to support her as she is a single parent. Sorry it's just sinking in for me, I can't imagine how bad it is and will be for her.

OP posts:
CliffTumble · 30/05/2011 00:07

Make her some food to stick in the freezer and offer to meet her for coffee. You need to acknowledge that you know so you can start to help her.

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 00:07

Oh the poor girl is on her own as well :( Life is so unbearably cruel sometimes :(

Well, as she has already tried to contact you, why not text her again in the morning and say you'd like to come & visit her?

Do you know what happened to the baby?

sarahfreck · 30/05/2011 00:11

Does she have any other dcs? Can you offer to look after them for a few hours?

Maelstrom · 30/05/2011 00:15

If she is on her own, don't send flowers, take them to her. She needs a shoulder to cry on, she needs her friends around.

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 30/05/2011 00:20

You are all right and I will get in contact tomorrow. Thank you all for your advice, I don't know what has actually happened but can only surmise at this point that it was cot death. It was my worst fear when I had my dd but although you know it happens it only ever seems to be a statistic iyswim. Now it has happened to someone I know it has only become all too real.

OP posts:
Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 30/05/2011 00:20

no other dcs

OP posts:
newportstateofmind · 30/05/2011 00:21

I don't think you need to worry about her being angry/upset that your mutual friend told you. I would imagine that at times like these she would just want your support.

How terribly sad....I can't imagine coping with somthing like this. Sad

greencolorpack · 30/05/2011 00:23

Go around there and say "I'm sorry for your loss", be prepared to cry with her.

Sorry to hear this.

I wouldn't do flowers, she might not have a jug and it's sometimes a hassle. But that's just me.

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 00:25

:( that will mean a lot more paperwork/time as well :(

Poor girl... I hope she has had someone staying with her or has gone to stay with someone.

Does she MN? - the bereavement section is amazing
x

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 00:28

yes,the procedural staff and paperwork is gruelling
do support her
what a dreadfully sad thing to happen

EdithWeston · 30/05/2011 00:28

Be there for the longer haul too.

Finding out through her Dad what happened, and what she is likely to want right now sounds like a really good start point.

Even if your main communication is normally text, write an actual letter (she may want to keep them).

smokinaces · 30/05/2011 00:31

Text her, mention baby's name. Talk about him to her. Hug her, cry with her. Get angry with her. Hold her up.

Be there. Be at the funeral. Be there after wards. Remember her every day with your own children. remember his birthday, his anniversary, his missed firsts.

Send a card. Send something personal. Take round something practical - whether thats food, or vodka.

Its devastating. I have 3 friends who have lost their little boys at various ages (0, 2 and 3) and I know their lives will never be the same. You cant help but feel helpless. But just be there, offer an ear, find a way of showing you are thinking of them.

And grieve yourself. You're allowed to be sad about this, you are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be scared. Make sure you have someone to talk to as well.

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 30/05/2011 00:31

I don't know if she does mn (although I have urged her to, you are all AMAZING) I think she is staying with her parents, hence me calling her dad tomorrow ( and what about them? they have just lost their dgc) It is just horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 30/05/2011 00:37

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I am sitting here crying my eyes out ( I was meant to be there for his birth but the bastard snow stopped me, he was born in december) I just can't bear to think of her waking up tomorrow and the realisation hitting her. Oh god my poor friend.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 00:40

be consistent and in for long term
short term everyone is available.its the longer term stuff that gets overlooked and dropped.