My Dad is 64, has days to live and I'm falling apart.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

That's it really. I just can't believe the last 7 weeks. On recommendation of a physchiatrist he had been referred to for moderate depressoin, he had a brain scan and was was diagnosed with a mass in his brain 6cm by 8cm which through brain surgery at the National Neurological Hospital they managed to removed completely.

I had a reaction 5 days after the operation and we nearly lost him.

Just over week ago he was declared completely cured and plans were made for him to go home with a scan every year for 5 years. They just wanted to check out a dodgy blood test.

The blood test triggered a scan of his kidneys where they found he had a tumour 10cm. This, apparantly wasn't too concerning and he was packed off to the Royal Free for treatment.

2 days later we were told that he had had a scan that had shown the kidney was treatable but the damage that it, and the two brain operations plus drugs etc. had done to his liver was untreatable. He was diagnosed with an extremely agressive cancer too advanced to treat and given just days to live.

I just cannot believe what he has been through. He's barely able to communicate with us now he is so ill as his liver is so enlarged it is making its own toxins which are killing him.

I'm so gutted. He isn't even retirement age. I just don't know what to say to my mum.

Sweetheart I'm so very sorry.

Cancer is just shit.

My dad died 2 years 2 months ago from brain cancer and it's the loneliest journey that you'll ever make despite being surrounded by those that love you.

Draw strength from others, hold him and love him and fingers crossed he goes to the hospice soon. There they will keep him comfortable and support you all.

Much love and peace to you xxx

So sorry, Starlight.

Starlight, I am so dreadfully sorry to hear of your father's illness. You must be in absolute bits.

I have no words of advice really, just lots and lots of sympathy.

I lost my dear father last year, and of course DH is currently in a hospice with this awful disease.

It is a horrendous experience, and so distressing to see someone you love so much in discomfort and pain.

Continue to tell your Dad how much you love him, talk of happy memories, go and give the hospital staff a good bloody shake - it makes me so angry when someone is so seriously ill they are then caused extra stress through sheer incompetence. Unfortunately we have witnessed that a lot over the last few months.

I hope that your father manages to get to the hospice - they are such wonderful places - and that his last few days are more comfortable for him. I think once he is there you will draw strength from the people around you. And yes, I agree with the above - you will cope because you have to.

Much love xxx

(what really naffs me off is that there are new extraordinary treatments available for liver cancer etc if they ruddy well spot it and treat it in time...grr, e.g. cyberknife radiotherapy)

Star really sorry
My DH has been through this albeit a 3 year version of it - but also his Dad was just into retirement and had been looking forward to it
Its very hard when things are so sudden
We were able to plan and actually he had the best ending possible, he was at home surrounded by his family and just drifted off very peacefully - we had fantastic support from the GP and District Nurses who came several times a day for the last few days and enabled him to be at home.
Hope he gets moved to the hospice where hopefully it will be a better environment and you will get the support you need.
If you are having trouble with the hospital you might be surprised by how helpful GPs and District Nurses can be.

so sorry to read this, sending you love

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Its so hard.

My mum died 5 weeks ago and its still too raw for me to give you as good advice as you've had from all the peeps on here but all I'll say is I treasure so much those last few days/hours with my mum, she was unconscious but I just lay next to her and cuddled her like I was small again and told her everything I wanted to. It really helps me to know she went knowing how much I loved her and what a fantastic mum she was.

I am thinking of you. It sucks but you are strong and you will get through this. xxxxxx

So very sorry Starlight. :(

Starlight, I'm so sorry

You know that there is no-one more capable than you of getting the best possible care for him to have the most rest and peace, and to make sure he is getting the care in hospital that he needs. Stick to your guns about the hospice, scream and shout and make yourself an absolute nuisance. Do you have the number for his consultant? They might be a good bet to help get things moving too.

What a huge and sudden shock this must be. Wishing you all the best and lots of strength.

I am so sorry Starlight.

You are such a strong person and a real fighter, I know you'll do your best for your dad and mum. Wishing you and your family all the best.

So sorry to read this
x

Oh Starlight - I am so very sorry. Nothing really useful to say except lots of sympathy and wishing you and your family all the best.

wishing you all the best x

Thank you so much for your messages. I'm overwhelmed by the kindness here and your similar stories that must be very hard for you to recount.

I spent the night at the hospital and although didn't get any sleep really, my dad did and in a way being there was peaceful.

I couldn't do much but when he was trying to move his legs, I could give them a helping hand a few times.

I know what you mean AMBER. He has only had this thing since Oct/Nov and he was in hospital mid-Jan with his brain issue and they were taking bloods regularly. Why they didn't notice is quite beyond me. Still at least my mum can't blame herself that she should have done something sooner. He was already IN hospital ffs. No going over this will change the outcome though.

So sorry Starlight. Hugs and strength for you from Italy. xx

(for what it's worth, went through same thing with my own mum, who died in a major hospital from completely undiagnosed heart failure, where they had decided (despite every ruddy symptom of heart failure being present and me pointing some out to them and asking what the heck it was) that she was just being overdramatic, and tried to send her home. Tis 'orrible. More hugs ((( ))) )

My dad died at 53 of lung cancer that spread to the brain, meaning in his last few weeks it was very difficult for him to communicate, which made it hard for all of us.

It hurt me so much that I went back to work to avoid having to watch his pain and then I wasn't there when he died. 27 years later I am still in bits as I write this, I feel so guilty. So I would say that, however bad you feel and however hard it is, make that journey, be there whenever you can for him and for yourself.

My dad never met my husband or any of his grandchildren. It's so cruel. Can you talk to Macmillan Care or someone like that who can give the whole family support? My dad had a wonderful nurse at the end and she remained a lifelong friend of my mother.

You might like to start thinking about some of the practical aspects of the next few weeks. That's not being a doom monger - it may give you some sense of control over events and less of a panic when the inevitable happens.

Thinking of you.

Starlight,

I am so so sorry to hear what you, your dad and family are going through.

I lost my wonderful mum to lung cancer last year and it was the most sad and paindul journey/experience of my life. She died only 4 weeks after diagnosis and I have to say for us the McMillan nurses were a complete blessing, we couldnt have managed without them.

Like Fantamelon, my mum was unconscious for the last couple of days and I was able to sit with her, cuddle and kiss her and tell how everything I wanted to say.........I was holding her hand when she died and for that I will always be honoured.

Wish I could make it all better for you....just know we are all thinking of you xxx

I am sorry to hear this. Life can be so bloody cruel sometimes.

Starlight, I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this.

Sadly, I have been there too. My Mum kept going to the GP with severe constipation and bleeding, and they did nothing. In October 2008, she had emergency surgery as her bowel had perforated :(

In Jan 2009 the scan revealed cancer had spread to her lungs and liver, and she started a course of chemo which was never going to cure her, but kept her going until New Years Eve, aged 67.

I really hope you can spend as much time as possible with your lovely Dad, and tell him how much you love him.

With mum, I was in denial and don't feel I told her how I felt, and now regret it

I wish you and your family all the love and strength in the world.

I am so sorry to hear your sad news

My dad who is in his 60's has cancer for the 2nd time and is going through a terrible time esp as he was diagnosed at stage 4

Thinking of you and hoping that he wont be in to much pain during his last days

x

Nothing helpful to say except how sorry I am. I lost my dad in 2004, he was 69. It hurts and always will but it becomes a dull ache that flares up at times into raw pain.

Oh Starlight - shocked to see this is your thread - it has gone so quickly! Wishing you strength and healing tears too x

Starlight I am so sorry to see this thread! Thank goodness your dad has a caring family making sure his final days are as comfortable as possible. I hope the staff have managed to sort out the hospice transfer by now.

Again thanks for your kind words and for sharing some of your own stories. As much as I am sad for your own broken hearts it does help to know I'm not the only person in the world that this has happened to.

Madmouse thank you. I know you were answering my threads calling for some ideas as to what was wrong with my dad when he was referred to the pyschiatrist.

The update is that he is now in a hospice. He would not be if it wasn't for the ultimate endurance test for my mum, refusing to take any fobbing off or 'communication breakdown' or any of the repeated excuses for why he was no longer going. This unfortunately was mostly the doing of the MacMillan Nurse who repeatedly lied to us for the reasons and made lots of promises and gave us false hopes about what had been arranged. Things started to happen when she by-passed them and got the name of the person in transport as well as the name of the receiving doctor in the hospice, and the name of someone in the Royal Free who could liaise directly and urgently. She then went directly to them and discovered the nonsense she had been told over the last 3 days.

She even managed to get hold of a private ambulance company to ensure that he was going to go that day to east London where the hospice is, where he has lived all his life and where he had always wanted to retire and die.

There they check on him every 30mins and spend time preparing him to look his best for his visitors just before visiting starts, and I just know he will no longer have a nose bleed in the night that covers him in blood with no-one cleaning him up 'because they don't want to disturb him' or whatever reasons were given for poor care at the last place. The staff there truly are wonderful.