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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My Dad is 64, has days to live and I'm falling apart.

172 replies

StarlightMcKenzie · 24/03/2011 17:08

That's it really. I just can't believe the last 7 weeks. On recommendation of a physchiatrist he had been referred to for moderate depressoin, he had a brain scan and was was diagnosed with a mass in his brain 6cm by 8cm which through brain surgery at the National Neurological Hospital they managed to removed completely.

I had a reaction 5 days after the operation and we nearly lost him.

Just over week ago he was declared completely cured and plans were made for him to go home with a scan every year for 5 years. They just wanted to check out a dodgy blood test.

The blood test triggered a scan of his kidneys where they found he had a tumour 10cm. This, apparantly wasn't too concerning and he was packed off to the Royal Free for treatment.

2 days later we were told that he had had a scan that had shown the kidney was treatable but the damage that it, and the two brain operations plus drugs etc. had done to his liver was untreatable. He was diagnosed with an extremely agressive cancer too advanced to treat and given just days to live.

I just cannot believe what he has been through. He's barely able to communicate with us now he is so ill as his liver is so enlarged it is making its own toxins which are killing him.

I'm so gutted. He isn't even retirement age. I just don't know what to say to my mum.

OP posts:

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Vintage65 · 31/03/2011 10:05

Starlight, I'm so sorry - I followed this thread and came back after I saw the funeral one this morning.

We are in the same place. My dad's funeral was last week - three weeks from going into hospital with a "tummy bug" and cremation. It's hard. Try to keep hold of the happy memories and look after your mum.

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/03/2011 21:11

Thanks sharb

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sharbie · 30/03/2011 20:54

sorry too came and looked for this thread after seeing your funeral one xx best wishes

Hulababy · 30/03/2011 17:41

So sorry :(

EllenJane1 · 30/03/2011 17:18

I had to ring lots of people up to cancel things like his drivers licence. It was really hard seeing his signature on stuff. Horrible job, but better you than your mum, I suppose. (((hugs)))

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/03/2011 17:12

Thanks all. I'm one of the administrators but feel so intrusive going through his post and bills. It's horrible.

OP posts:

EllenJane1 · 29/03/2011 20:41

So sorry Starlight. My dad died 7 years ago and it still hurts, I miss telling him about the kids. But it does get better, in time. Glad you could be with him. Concentrate on recalling all the happy memories,now.

trulymadlydeeply · 29/03/2011 16:35

Thinking of you SM. Hope the days get easier, but glad that you gave him the goodbye you wanted to.

Lots of love to you.

XXX

Lulumama · 29/03/2011 10:18

starlight, I am very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you xx

Debs75 · 29/03/2011 10:15

Starlight So sorry to hear your Dad has passed. I'm glad you managed to get him moved and you could be with him at the end.
Thinking of you xxxx

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 29/03/2011 10:02

Starlight, I am so sorry darling.

Your dad sounds like a wonderful man, you will always hold him close in your heart. You sound like you and your family held yourselves with dignity and I am sure he is so proud of all of you.

Be kind to yourself xxxxx

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 00:01

thanks Star.

I saw your title and felt an odd companionship with someone going through similar, i was saddened to see i found the thread a little late.

But i am so glad that you were able to make his passing as comfortable and pleasant as you can hope for. I am sure it meant a great deal to him and will offer you some form of comfort in times to come.

bemybebe · 28/03/2011 23:56

xxxxx

methodsandmaterials · 28/03/2011 23:34

I've only just seen this thread. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Meglet · 28/03/2011 23:28

So sorry. I'm relieved to hear you managed to get your Dad into the hospice though. They are so much more caring than hospitals. Our one was lovely when Dad died, they suggested books to help me explain it to the DC's and I used their counselling service for a while.

Take care x

StarlightMcKenzie · 28/03/2011 23:20

Mamaz I'm truly sorry for anyone who has to go through this. It's shit quite frankly.

I'm also so sorry for the others of you who appear to have this on the horizon and your posts mean more to me than you could possibly know.

I'm sorry if I haven't thanked you individually but whilst I find your posts a huge source of comfort it is incredibly difficult right now to write a lot myself.

From the advice that has been given over the past few days I have managed to ensure that my Dad did see my children, and die in the right place and with the right people.

Truly truly thank you.

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Mamaz0n · 28/03/2011 22:48

Starlight i am so sorry to hear this.

I am going through similar right now. Dad is 50 and was rushed into hospital on the 15th. He spent the next fortnight in hospital and almost died twice.

He came home on friday at his own insistance but he shouldn't have really.

He is on oxygen full time and a bipap machine 12 hours a day.

They have said he has between "days and weeks" to live. It has been heartbreaking for us all. It is horrible to just sit here and wait, not knowing if or when it is going to happen.

I can only hope that when he does pass, it is in similarly lovely circumstances as your father.

x

bellavita · 28/03/2011 22:42

Oh Starlight love, I am so sorry

AFingerofFudge · 28/03/2011 22:28

Really sorry to hear this news, really glad for you as a family that you were there. Take care x

georgie22 · 28/03/2011 22:14

So sorry to hear about your dad but I'm glad he was cared for in the hospice and had dignity at the end of his life. It's so important and takes little effort, but so often gets lost on a busy stretched NHS ward. His last hours surrounded by his family will be a source of support for you as a family as you face the future.
Don't be afraid to use the bereavement support if it's offered by the hospice. Thinking of you.

MadameOvary · 28/03/2011 22:12

So sorry Starlight, lost my Mum to liver cancer 24 years ago and didn't get to say goodbye, but did get to say goodbye to DP's Mum who had all her family round her, also in a hospice.
Thinking of you X

SlightlyJaded · 28/03/2011 22:08

Starlight. Just another virtual hug. There are never any words but you and your family sound strong and loving and you will get through this.

I never used to believe there was such a thing as a 'good death' but there are definitely circumstances that you can create that make someone's passing the best it can be for them. it sounds as though you did exactly that and your dad slipped away surrounded by the sounds, feelings and love of his family. You could not have done any more.

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 22:05

So sorry SM - he was so young

TigerFeet · 28/03/2011 22:02

i'm so sorry
what a lovely way to go
take care of yourself x

FannyPriceless · 28/03/2011 21:59

starlight You have my sympathy. Really truly sorry for your loss.

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