funeral service

[EdgarAleNPie]

we are putting together a service for DS.

we don't do God, although we're not totally adverse to any mention - so what we're thinking in terms of elements -

Eulogy (my Dad has volunteered)
poems this one 'On a Train' by Wendy Cope

anything more appropriate for a childs funeral? something a bit funnier?
song - All Things Bright & Beautiful

i was going to ask everyone to wear bright or better still flowery clothing because ds loved flowers and colour.

what more should we be thinking about?

Hello,

This is one of my favourite peices of writing. I brings me comfort.

Butterfly
As you danced in the light with joy
Love lifted you
As you brushed against this world so gently,
You lifted us.

T.C.Ring.

I think it is a good idea to record the service. I wish I had. I dont remember much about it or who was there. I dont know if I would be able to watch the DVD if I had it but it would be nice to have the choice.

I dont know how to put this but I do think it could be important so I will just say it,
Some directors do not charge for children's funerals. The co-op dont. I dont know if finances are an issue but if they are it may help to know.
Thinking of you x

We had a religious ceremony because that is what I wanted but I had lots of non religious music. I had Bob Dylan and Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday and Corrine Bailey Rae.

You should have anything you want. What YOU want x

Edgar
It is possible to get a civil funeral celebrant (they are non denominational) to conduct the ceremony.
These people are usually brilliant at fitting in with what you want.
They can take a very backseat role and you can almost do a diy ceremony with all your family/special people doing their readings etc
The good thing about having them there is they will pick up and assist you if needed.

Thinking of you all... xxxxxx

If I may suggest helium balloons plus a drawing table for the children - let them draw pictures / write notes for your son - get friends to blow up the balloons and attach them and then release them from your garden

that's a really good verse devere

currently plan is to have a close family only ceremony, then go to the pub garden at midday and have all the children coming out of nursery to play and talk to dd1. I have tried to explain that this is Ds special goodbye party.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you.

I am not a regular poster but wanted to share something I found helpful.

When I had to arrange my DH's funeral I couldn't bear to look at the traditional wooden coffins and was worried about how sombre and scary they could look to the children.

So I got a willow coffin, and arranged for a florist to weave/tie flowers very naturally all around it through the wickerwork, like a garland. It was beautiful and felt so different to a normal coffin.

The funeral people had some in their catalogue, but I found one with a colour and shape I liked better online and it was delivered within a day directly to the funeral parlour. The florist discussed the effect I wanted and advised me what flowers were available.

It helped a little on the day, with the coffin in front of us at the service.

Edgar, I think your ideas sound beautiful. There's a lovely poem which I can only remember bits of - maybe another poster will know what I mean and be able to help with more details. It presents two points of view - one of family mourning, saying she is gone, and one from the other side, not specifically heaven, more of welcoming to another side, saying "she is coming, she is coming". I thought it was beautiful and comforting.

Sorry for the ramble, I really hope another poster knows the poem I mean (I may even have read it here on MN) and can help more.

Hello Edgar,

Another Ben Jonson poem - a friend sent it to us after DS died.

"It is not growing like a Tree"

It is not growing like a tree
In bulk doth make Man better be;
Or standing long an oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night?
It was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures life may perfect be."

Thinking of you all lotsxx
Claire

When my father died my Mum and brothers all wrote letters to him which we asked the undertakers to put in his coffin. I think they put it in the breast pocket of his jacket so it was near to his heart.
I found it cathartic to 'write to him' and tell him how I was feeling and more importantly what he meant to me.
We also released a white dove although I understand that your ds loved balloons so that sounds a lovely idea.

So so sorry for your loss.

I have been to a few humanist led ceremonies. The last for my friends darling daughter.

The ceremonist gently wove the readings, music and reflections together.

If you have a friend, or if they would find it too hard, a husband/ wife of a friend who could take on this role then I'm sure you could manage the order of service yourselves if that's what you wanted to do.

My heart goes out to you and I am so, so sorry.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. We have a DVD from my mums funeral and my friend recorded her ds's funeral as well. My friend also gave people cameras and asked them to take pictures of family and friends when we had the tea after the thanksgiving service. She has them all in an album and her other ds's love looking at all the people who came to say goodbye and to how how much they loved their brother.

We also made sure we had the service at the crematorium first so that we could focus on the happy memories at the thanksgiving service.

I think a friend taking the service sounds lovely. We opened up the end of the thanksgiving service for anyone who wanted to say something. Some shared a touching memory, others a poem, others just shared their love. It meant a lot to us all.

Will be thinking of you x x x

TheBossOfMe is this the one you mean?

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout;
"Here she comes!"

by Henry Van Dyke

Edgar, my thoughts are with you as you try to figure all this out.

When our dd died aged 4, we had a marquee and ran it as a children's tea party. Dressing up things, music, a storyteller in full costume, tea party food (plus sherry and tea for grown-ups).

One activity was to make tissue paper flowers and stick them in Oasis letters that made up dd's name - this went down really well. We have kept all the flowers and I have vase of them out on display.

I'm sorry - I'm struggling to write to you because your situation is close to ours - the sudden absence of a previously healthy child. It's all so obscenely cruel. If you've got particular things you want to ask about or if you'd like to hear more about what we did for dd's send-off, please pm me.

dd also loved The Night Garden - it's a wonderful idea to play it.

Sending you mountains of love and strength,
zeno