How to cope?

[Amanda1]

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there are no answers to how you move on hun..have a think about getting into contact with sands as then you can speak to other parents who have been through similair. I have had mcs but not had to go through labour with them which again adds a whole other dimension to the grieving. In terms of your ex and his girlfriend I am 99% sure unless they are very callous she never actually meant for you to loose the baby hun. Hugs to you and will be around if you want to chat.

Oh Amanda1, what can I say? Nothing that will help.

I'm glad you decided to come back and post on MN. It has helped me through bad times.... I hope we can all do the same for you.

Have you named the baby?

Everyone on MN has been thinking about you.

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Amanda1 - Thats a lovely name. It doesn't need to be official for you to know she is your daughter and she was a little person. Some MNer's have spoken of planting trees in memory of their lost little ones. Maybe something like that would help in time.

Don't concentrate any time or energy on you ex and that awful woman of his!! This is just some terrible terrible tragedy. Please don't think that the negative thoughts of the other woman could have caused this.

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Oh Amanda, {{{Big Hugs}}} I do think contacting Sands is very good advice, I have no personal experience of this myself, but it certainly was a horrible thing for your ex's partner to say, sure in time she will grow up and regret saying it.....also expect Karma will get her back it usually does.....

Oh Amanda1 - how could he!! I'm so at how you've been treated. And now this too. Life just is so cruel sometimes.
Please please please don't contact them again and change your number if you can. You need to protect yourself from those who are intent on hurting you.

Amanda, I am so shocked at your ex's words about naming your little girl . I suspect there is some guilt there on the part of your ex, but that is no way to deal with it.

I agree with the idea that you need to protect yourself from these people and ensure they cannot contact you.

puff xx

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Amanda, I am so sorry. I have no advice for you. I think you are so strong to be posting on MN. I hope you get to enjoy life again and that time heals the pain. I am told that it does.

what he or his girlfriend feel is irrelevant to you - whether they are happy or not really should not have any impact on you.

You need to concentrate on you and your DD, and come to terms with the loss of your baby, and forget about him. He has proved himself unworthy of your attention.

Oh Amanda, how awful for you.
She will have to live with knowing she made that comment and, as much as she will deny it to herself & anyone else, that will stay with her & haunt her forever. I doubt they will have found any true happiness from your pain.

It will take time to move on, take each day as it comes, it is still such early days for you.

My heart goes out to you.
xxx

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Amanda I am so sorry you lost Rebecca Alice. I don't know what to say but couldn't ignore your post. Have you been offered any counselling from the hospital or can you get in touch with SANDS? it sounds as though you need some proper support to help you deal with this?

Please Amanda, don't go away. You are allowed to grieve. Nobody is saying that you are wrong. In a sense I agree with Throckenholt, but at the same time I can understand that it is difficult to separate the feelings.

You don't have to be grateful for advice, and you don't have to feel bad about asking for so much. Everyone in this e-community gives what they have, and asks for what they need or want. Sometimes more one way or another.

If you need to scream blue murder at your ex then grab a cushion, pretend it's him and pour out your rage and frustration at it. Thump it, kick it, stamp on it. You don't need to hold it in. Of course you're angry and disgusted. But afterwards, try to let go. You count, not him, and certainly not her.

Please don't go away, lurk for a while if you feel you can't post again yet.

Yes Amanda, please stay and talk.
I cannot believe any human being could be so cruel as to send such awful messages. It's inhuman. Try try not to think about it. It's so horribly negative and vindictive.
You are probably experiencing some terrible hormonal and emotional upheavals and it's not surprising that you feel so low. You should maybe go to see your GP in order to get some outside professional help.
And maybe change your phone number so they can't get to you anymore. That would be one thing off your mind.

I just want to come and hold you. You loved and wanted Rebecca more than enough to make up for him - you fought so hard for her, and she was more wanted than some children ever are.

I have no experience, but right now, I would say - it has only been 12 days... I am still crying about it, so I wouldn't expect you to be anywhere near stopping yet.

Please talk to SANDS - so many people have told me how good they are.

You have 2 issues here - one the grieving for your child, and the other, the depression that he has been sending you into for months. You need to be able to deal with both of them seperately, or you won't manage to do either (does that make sense?). Talk to SANDS for Rebecca, they might even be able to point you in direction of help for the rest, if not, then talk to your doctor for some outside help.

xxxxxxxx

Amanda,

sorry - I didn't mean to upset you. What I was trying to say is that you need to concentrate on yourself and getting over your loss (maybe later deal with left over emotions of splitting with your ex). Don't get hung up on what is going on in his mind - it will make no difference to you anyway. He seems an insensitive swine - but you need to forget about him and concentrate on you and your DD.

Didn't want to say hope you feel better soon because it sounded trite - obviously you are suffering at the moment and comments like that sound inadequate.

Time will heal - but again not much help at the moment.

trying to repost this - it hung last time

Amanda, you have nothing to be sorry about. Maybe you should just browse messages for a while until you feel up to posting again. Its so unfair that your little girl didn't live and even more unfair that you have to face it alone.

I hope in the future your X realises how nasty he has been. As for his girlfriend, wonder how she would feel if she suffered the way you have suffered.

Amanda1
I really hope you come back. Its good to get it off your chest, your going through a difficult time.. Your ex and his partner are cruel people. Dont let them get to you, your a better person then thay are..

Time is a heeler.. But your darling rebecca will be with you every step of the way..

Amanda you have to stay and talk on here as there are thousands of people who are removed enough away from you to straight talk and be a little support. At the same time you must seek help. I can not imagine coping with 1 of the recent events in your life never mind them all but I do know you have done well so far. This has been a long battle for you and recognise that you have been a strength to get as far as you have.

There are too many issues to try and deal with at once so look at the important ones to you. Your daughter, Rebecca - 21 weeks or 24 weeks...she was still your daughter and you have to grieve for her in the only way you can. What is going to eat into you though hun is if you focus on ex dp and how you think he should react. He has been so removed from the scenario since he took up with his secretary that he has never attached himself to this baby. Your grief will be so different but he has no right to tell you how to grieve and you can't make him feel the same way as you do.

It is awful...such a terrible thing and I am sure there seems to be no way through this swamp of grief and emotion but you will...you have to...get through this for your sake and your beautiful daughter.

Get through today and you win....face tomorrow, tomorrow.

I give you the warmest virtual hug possible and remember to take everyones kind words as encouragement! You can do it, you really can. XXX

Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and your ex's behaviour sounds appalling.

I just wanted to mention that the hospital may have a counsellor you can use. At the moment I am seeing a psycho-therapist at a hospital in London having lost a baby in August. She counsels any women who have had 'an unfortunate outcome to their pregnancies.' Maybe your hospital has a similar service? It is worth looking into when you think you can face it-at the sessions I have been to we talk about all sorts of stuff, not just the baby.

Thinking of you.

Amanda, I don't know you but it's just broke my heart reading about what's happened to you. No one can take away your love for Rebecca and she deserves that love. Your ex has no idea how hard life can get and how it has hurt you at the moment. He's just a fool. He doesn't know. But you will feel better one day, because you love Rebecca and most of all you love your DD too. You have each other. Take care sweetheart.

Hello Amanda,
I have just seen and read all of this and feel so very very much for you. You see I have a darling Rebecca, she is the light of my life as are my two boys, I have them because my first born son an only child died suddenly 11 long years ago, he was 14. But this is not about me. We cannot any of us tell you what to do, we can only try to guide and listen. I know the depths of pain you are feeling losing Rebecca, you must must grieve for her, you will for the rest of your life, she was here, she is yours, nothing can ever take that fact away. You are hurting from all sides, I believe when these things happen we need a reason, sometimes we need someone to blame, you may be feeling like this. You will not believe this now, but you will survive this, I never thought I would be here now, Rebeccas little life must not be surrounded with hate and sadness, give her more, think of yourself, not others who do not deserve it. I hope I havent said too much, we all feel for you and will understand if you stay away for a while, I know how much an effort it can be to even answer the phone, I shut myself away for a long time after Matthews death, but eventually one day I opened my doors and windows and realized that I was still glad to be here, but I never forget, nor will you. Please know we all care xxxxxxx

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