Mum died on Tuesday and not coping well with feelings of guilt

[fantalemon]

My mum died on Tuesday evening at the age of 65 and it has come as a huge shock.

She was admitted to hospital the previous Tuesday with suspected pneumonia and was rushed to intensive care soon after as she was struggling to breathe. She was sedated and put on a ventilator. I arrived shortly afterwards and so never got to speak to her while she was conscious. She got a bit better while in intensive care and then her lungs just went and they made the decision to end her treatment. She died about 3 minutes after they shut down the machines,

The first thing the Drs told me when I first visited her in intensive care was that her liver was failing due to her liver disease and there was a very strong chance she wouldnt pull through. This all came to a huge shock to me. It is no secret that my mum drank (far too much) but it was part of her personality and would never let you tell her to give it up. To find out she had liver disease was a big shock. Am slowly piecing things things together now, her GP wont tell us much due to patient confidentiality but we suspect she was aware how ill she was but chose not to tell us.

It is still sinking in that she has gone and I have no idea how I will get through life without her as my best friend. But right now, I just have this awful awful feeling of overwhelming guilt that I didnt do more to stop her drinking. If I had known how ill she was I would have tried to get her to stop drinking. Instead, I just pushed it all under the carpet which I bitterly regret now.

How will I get over this guilt? Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I am all over the place at the moment.

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe your mum was protecting you? She would be unhappy to think of you feeling so guilty. She probably knew how ill she was and unfortunately she had pneumonia on top of her illness. She was your bestfriend and you were there for her. She was very unlucky to contract pneumonia...I work in ITU and people do sadly die of pneumonia without any underlying illness. Try not to beat yourself up with guilt. If you had said more about her drinking, it may have caused conflict between you both. You accepted her for who she was and gave unconditional love. You are a great daughter. x

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mother. You have my deepest commiserations.

It is natural for you to go through a rollarcoaster of emotions at this stage. Her death was sudden and unexpected so you had no time to prepare yourself emotionally and many deep and disturbed feelings are now coming out.

It is not surprising that you feel guilt as part of that mixture. Most people do feel some guilt while grieving, even when there was nothing that they really could have done to prevent the death.
Indeed, it sounds from your description that there was nothing more that you could have done either.
You knew your mum drank, but you said yourself that it was part of her personality and that she refused any suggestion that she should cut down.
She knew she was ill, but she chose not to share that with you and the rest of your family. Instead, she chose to continue her same lifestyle and to enjoy life right up until the end. That was her choice and it sounds like she probably made it in an informed way.
She probably didn't want to tell anyone about the liver disease for exactly the reason that you would all have nagged her and prevented her from enjoying her life as much as she wanted.

Losing someone close is difficult at any stage in life and for any reason. She was your mother and leaves a hole in your life, but you and the rest of your family can pull together. Try to remember her for all her best attributes and your finest memories of her. Try not to dwell too much on the circumstances of her death.

Thank you both. I know that you are right that even if I had have tried harder I would not have got her to stop drinking and it would have effected our relationship had I gone on about it endlessly.

Just been going through her diary and looks like she had plenty of Drs appointments so I think she would have known she was ill. I just cant help thinking this would be easier if she had been hit by a bus or something that she had no control over. Everyone at the hospital told me alcoholism is an illness like any other and she couldnt help it. I will cling onto that over the next few weeks/months.

It's really hard, but try not to dwell on her drinking. That's only a small part of who she was.
Remember instead why she was such a special person. Remember the good times, her little habits and funny personality traits, anything that makes you smile when you think of her.
Go through photo albums and videos with your family. Talk about her with them. Share your memories.
She would much rather you remember the good times. She loved you very much. That's all that matters now. The rest is finished.

RuthChan has said everything I would wish to :)
Great advice.

fantalemon - lots of good advice by other posters. I am sure my Mum knew she was ill, but wouldn't accept medical help. It is very hard to those closest to accept, because you feel so helpless. However, you can't make people accept treatment - it is their decision. My Mum did not want to go on living after my father died. It was very painful for the family and still is, but time helps you to get it into perspective. You did all you could and you've got nothing to reproach yourself for. Guilt is a part of grieving, especially in the early days. Thinking of you.

fantalemon- i am very sorry for your loss

CBG. x

Hi there, I just wanted to add my part. My mum died on 30th october last year, the day of my son's 4th birthday party. She was 66 and visiting us from where she lives in manchester and just collapsed in the kitchen and died soon after being rushed to hospital. The whole thing was so sudden and such an awful shock (she's seemed ok all week, if a little tired)and very traumatic as my husband had to do CPR, there was lots of blood from a head injury she sustained when she collapsed etc. Just awful. I have awful feelings of guilt too- why didn't I notice anything? Why was i such a wreck on the phone to 999? Why did I not make her sit down and rest more? Why did I drag her down to look after the children that week (our nanny had fallen down the stairs and broke her arm and Mum rushed down to help us out).

She was absolutely amazing and so good at helping out with the children (4 and 18 months). I miss her so much it's almost like a physical pain. I also feel very bitter about my in-laws still being around - of our four parents she was the one who was so vivacious and caring and did everything she could to see the children as much as possible. It just seems so unfair that this happened.

You really have my sympathy- my heart goes out to you. But people live their own lives and you can't do much about it and I'm sure she wouldn't want you feeling guilty. If it was you in her position you wouldn't blame your children and in your heart I think you realise that, but guilt is a natural feeling. I think we all feel we would have done everything we could to stop it happening.

Your pain will ease. Nearly four months on i still find it incredibly hard, but it's a sadness most of the time as opposed to the raw pain I felt for the first few weeks. I have found it hard since Christmas as reality without her sets in- it's just so shit this happened and it's not going to get better- we will just get used to it and gradually the gaping hole will get smaller.

Anyway, love to you.

xxx

Thank you for your posts, I am so sorry that you have lost your mums too.

Fudge, I understand your feelings of bitterness that it was your mum that went, my mother in law sent me a "with sympathy" card and signed it "love mum" which really upset me as I dont have a mum anymore and she will never be that person and why was it her that had to leave, she loves(d?) my DD so much and will miss out on so much of her life.

I am due back at work next week and am dreading it, no idea how i will hold it together. I feel so lonely and sad. The phone rang this morning and for a few seconds I really thought it was my mum calling to tell me it was all a joke and she has come back. I stil have feelings of guilt that I didnt try harder to stop her drinking but I think I am slowly starting to accept that she wouldnt have let me help her anyway, she was too stubborn.

I honestly dont know what my life will be like now without her. I am dreading Christmas already and its only March!

Sorry for the indulgent moan. It has really hit me hard today that she isnt coming back. LIfe really is crap sometimes.

fantamelon - I'm so sorry about your mum. My mum died of cancer 2 years ago - she was 66 , so same age as your mum and way too young really. All I know is that you can't live their life for them. We were luckier than you in that it took a little longer so we got the chance to grieve and say goodbye before she was actually gone. But I do know that my mum showed how strong she was and how much she loved us those last few weeks (it was a revelation really). All she wanted was to make her passing easier for us - her children. I'm sure your mum would have felt the same - she would hate to feel that you are punishing yourself and feeling guilty and so sad - I'm sure that was the last thing she would have wanted. Hope you find the strength to cope and remember your mum in a positive way that will do her proud.

depending on what you google there are 5 or 7 stages of grief
denial,
anger,
Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

Depression
Acceptance

sorry for your loss

Fantalemon,

so sorry for your loss of your Mum

reading this bringing tears to my eyes as , i lost my mum 6 months ago from exactly the same disease ....

all of you have said i felt still feel ....

i hope you have family and friends to support you through this time ....

there is a support group i cant remember the name right now will find out and to post you .

take care

Its called "cruse "

How are you doing Fantalemon ?

Thank you everyone for your kind posts. I went back to work today and, thankfully, it wasnt as bad as I had been building up in my head.

Not many people knew though so had to explain why I had been away for a few weeks and everytime I had to say "my mum passed away" I just welled up.

The worst thing is I dont feel I can tell people that my mum died from liver disease so I have just been saying she had underlying health complications we werent aware of. Now I feel like I am betraying my mum in some way by making up an excuse as to why she died. I just dont want people to judge her for being an alcoholic.

Feeling pretty numb today and wondering if thats because I have been at work today where life has just carried on as normal. Have found it impossible to concentrate on anything though at all I can think about is that awful week in intensive care and watching her pass away in front of me.

Am (mad but) thinking of leaving my job to spend more time with my 13 month old. Financially it would be a disaster but right now I just feel that I want to spend some time being a mum and thinking about my lovely mum and what she did for me. I miss her so much. x

is that really all the time they will give you fanta? When my mum passed away my sister took time off work and they were very understanding. it's such a big thing for you to be dealing with, some people like to carry on as normal as possible and others just can't do that. And it's perfectly understandable about not telling them all the details of your mums illness - it's still very raw for you and you don't have to explain anything you don't want to.

Hello Fantalemon ,

I know exactly how you feel , my mum to died of liver disease just 6 months ago ....my mum was also in ITU .

I always stumble when people ask why or how ....i generally say , she was poorly with other issues .

still such early days , do you have family and friends to help you , as i found this helpful and still do .

its so very hard .. so very sad ...i do know ..(((hug ))))

Thank you fastedwina and choclab.

Alcoholism is such a horrible illness, cant believe it took my mum. I just hope I can start to recall all the happy memories soon and out the image of her dying out of my mind.

Had an awful day at work today, its 3 weeks today and thats all I can think about. They arent being particularly sensitive and I found it impossible to concentrate on work and people talking about everyday work things when all I could think was that my mum isnt around anymore.

Still, another day down and I have survived.

OP do you believe in life after death? I do, and it's helped me deal with losing two relatives in the last year, one with whom I have a deep regret about not saying something I wish I had. I comfort myself with the idea that not only will I see them again, but that I can send thoughts to them now that they will hear and understand.

Possibly utter claptrap/means nothing to some people, but has really helped me.

Also, your mum may have kept it from you because she desperately wanted to spare you the upset of knowing she was ill, so you could try to honour that by not staying upset about it for too long now.

Wishing you all the best.

Fantalemon ,

Thinking of you , i know how you feel (((hug)))
i am in same boat just a few months further down ....

How are you today fantalemon x

Just had to post as my mum died yesterday morning. So much of what you say op was the same, ICU, ventilator etc and most importantly guilt. My wonderful mum was in her eighties and she was on holiday with 2 of my sisters. One of my sisters stayed home that afternoon and they didn't bring wheelchair out. Mum had a fall with a bump to head. Was checked by local hospital and told she was 99% likely to me fine. She got worse very quickly and she never regained consciousness. She did breathe my herself for 12 hours though. Although we couldn't stay there that long. Sorry this is long but one of my sisters feels so much guilt. Guilt is toxic and no one should feel that.

Fudge had to reply to your post. I found out my sister passed away during dd birhday party. Her funeral was on the same day as sons bithday and party. Life is so cruel.

So sorry for your loss madworld 1, must be a terrible shock for you. I totally empathise about feelings of guilt and the title of my original post says it all really although, that said, the guilt feelings seem to be subsiding at the moment and being replaced by a whole host of other emotions like shock and disbelief. Went to go and ring my mum just now and crashed back down to earth when I remembered. So hard. I hope you and your sisters can bring each other comfort.

Choclab - thank you so much for your msg, have been with my Dad all weekend so not much chance to email but will write as soon as I can.

Thank yuo fanta.