Mum died on Tuesday and not coping well with feelings of guilt

[fantalemon]

My mum died on Tuesday evening at the age of 65 and it has come as a huge shock.

She was admitted to hospital the previous Tuesday with suspected pneumonia and was rushed to intensive care soon after as she was struggling to breathe. She was sedated and put on a ventilator. I arrived shortly afterwards and so never got to speak to her while she was conscious. She got a bit better while in intensive care and then her lungs just went and they made the decision to end her treatment. She died about 3 minutes after they shut down the machines,

The first thing the Drs told me when I first visited her in intensive care was that her liver was failing due to her liver disease and there was a very strong chance she wouldnt pull through. This all came to a huge shock to me. It is no secret that my mum drank (far too much) but it was part of her personality and would never let you tell her to give it up. To find out she had liver disease was a big shock. Am slowly piecing things things together now, her GP wont tell us much due to patient confidentiality but we suspect she was aware how ill she was but chose not to tell us.

It is still sinking in that she has gone and I have no idea how I will get through life without her as my best friend. But right now, I just have this awful awful feeling of overwhelming guilt that I didnt do more to stop her drinking. If I had known how ill she was I would have tried to get her to stop drinking. Instead, I just pushed it all under the carpet which I bitterly regret now.

How will I get over this guilt? Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I am all over the place at the moment.

How are you doing Fanta ...(((hug)))

I am okay thanks choclab. I am so busy during the day with work etc that it tends to only hit me in the evening when it just overwhelms me. To be honest, I still don't think it has really sunk in, how do you process the fact that the person who loved you the most, who you loved the most, who was there from the 1st moment of your life, has gone? Sometimes I feel guilty that I am even able to function and get dressed, go to work, chat about meaningless stuff. Does any of that sound familiar?

fantalemon - its all very familiar. Mine passed in November, not unexpected really, but somehow these things are always a shock to the system.

The gap will always be there. I tend to cope by pretending that she still lives in her flat, can cope and doesn't want to see me. it's the only way of staying remotely sane. I think I could cry forever. You will devise your own way of coping.

As for guilt that you are able to function. Try not to. The last thing your mum would have wanted you to feel is guilt. She is at perfect peace now. There is nothing you could have done or can do now. Look after yourself would be her wish. Take one day at a time - nothing will fill the gap but you will find a way to cope.

Hello ,

so sorry for your loss happy - you have given good advice .

Fanta - sounds very familiar , i hate the fact that time has moved on , as mum passed last August , (seems like yesterday to me) now last year sounds so long ago ,when i say it aloud to people and they look at me as if to say " well was last year you should be over it by now " and i start to wel up ...

I think happy is right , just have to take one day at a time , i truly feel my mum is still with me , in my smile , my way of thinking , and many more ways ...

take care xx

Fantamelon so sorry to hear of you loss.

My mum passed away on 16th August and I have to be honest, its the hardest/saddest/shittiest thing ever. Guilt is a totally normal part of grieving, I feel guilty over the most silly things, things I should have said/done years ago, all trivial stuff really but I think thats the nature of the beast.

I am ok if I keep busy, I find nighttimes in bed hard, and when I am on my own in the car etc etc. Daffoldils were mums favourite flowers and so I am tortured as they are all around me, bittersweet really, and I always always think of her when I see one.

Be gentle on yourself, and yes, one day at a time is all you can do.

Take care and sending you lots of love and hugs xxxz

Thank you for your lovely posts, sorry Happy and Desperate that you have lost your mums too. I am glad its "normal" to feel what I am going through.

Happy, you are so right in that my mum is at peace and would not want me to feel guilt at living my life. I think I feel guilty as I can carry on with life and almost "forget" she has gone, some mornings its not until I am in the shower that I remember but I am not sure its forgetting as such more my brain trying to protect me and let me live life without just collapsing into overwhelming grief.

Its such a beautiful Spring day today and I feel such sadness that she cant see this.

Chcolab, last August is no time at all and I can imagine its still so raw. Sometimes I am overcome with the images of seeing her die in front of us so clear in my mind and its like a knife being stabbed in me. I know what you mean tho, I feel almost as if I should be starting to get over it and not be crying all the time and should have done my grieving. My sister and dad seem to be finding it much easier. Its almost as if people expect you just to be able to get on with life as it was before. Thats why its nice to come on here as no one expects you to be getting over it and understands what you are going through. But if I see one more bloody advert for mother's day I will scream!

Thank you Fanta - yes your right mothers day everywhere .....although i will do as i always do , get my mum a card and some flowers and visit her , have a moan have a cry as i do .

i didnt see her last mothers day that i feel guilty about as now this year she is not here ...i think of many if only's alot ...

I totally understand your saying about the hospital -our stories are similar and i to was there with my brother and sister through the last days living the nightmare as it unfolded .
i see those images to

its helpful talking to others who understand on here as , some family and friends are somewhat board with it all now i can tell - as much as they try , those who havent lost a parent really dont totally understand how hard it is ..( i know they try im not being nasty )

Thought to everyone x

Choc you are so right - no one can possible know how you feel unless they have lost a parent.....I had so many people saying things like "oooh, I know how you feel, I was so upset when my nan died"........I am sorry and hard as it is losing a grandparent it still doesnt compare to losing a mum or dad and I used to get so cross about it. I had one particular "friend"keep going on about it in the end to try and times her grief by a million and she might almost be there on how bloody awful it is to lose your mum.

I have told my DH I want to cancel mothers day. His mum has severe dementia bless her but obv yes we will go and see her and make a fuss of her but apart from that......I know DS wants to celebrate mothers day with me (But I have a mum he cried) but I just dont have the heart xx

sorry - I told her to times her grief by a million......dunno what happened there, lol

Desperate - I have to say that I think I grieved more for my nan than my mum - but I was a lot closer to my nan than I was to my mum and I was devastated by some colleague who downplayed my grief for my nan by saying "but she was only your grandmother" - nothing "only" about it. I can't answer for your friend at all but different people have different connections with their rellys so please don't be too hard on your friend. :(

My mum died 3 1/2 years ago while I was pg with DS. She never saw him (apart from his 12w scan photo) - and she was another one who almost certainly knew she was ill (with bowel cancer in her case) but refused to seek treatment until it was waaay too late. In fact, she was in hospital for 4w before she died but we only found out what was wrong 8d before she died - pretty sure she kept it from us because DH and I got married halfway through her hospital stay.

It's awful - I feel terrible that I didn't grieve for her as much as my nan - but I think I was protecting my DS as well.

So :( for all of you.

Sorry for everyone here who has lost their Mum. My Mum died 16 years ago and I still miss her. Every child feels guilt, its a natural feeling, 'should I have done more', 'what if I', these are questions everyone asks themselves. It took my Mothers psychiatrist to absolve me of my guilt with the words 'you will feel guilty because she was your Mother, accept it and get on with your life', I cant tell you how much better I felt. I had done everything there was to be done but she still died.
Can I recommend a book, for all of you, you might not need it now but at some point in your life you will. 'On grief and grieving' by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
There can be no general rule of course on how long people grieve, but I think it will take you about 2 years to actually get over the pain of the loss but of course your Mum will always be in your heart. In time you will remember the happy times you shared together.

Thank you for sharing that js307 , will look it up .

having a wobble today seeing all the daffs and sunshine should make me happy , but im missing mum so much would call her talk about weather , cooking , kids , i would moan and she would listen , always seeing the good in it all ...
mean time id ask her how she was , she would say yea im alright ....dont worry ..id ask her how her docs appt went , and blood tests ...she would say yes all came back ok ....and all the time she wasnt i should have done more ...i knew things wernt right but i didnt push to much as i just couldnt , or mum would get cross and say i was lecturing her ...i wasnt i cared thats all ...
...
little did i know it was all to late ...
i cant help but think she was so very ill and she knew but still felt she couldnt confide in me for help ......im sad and guilty that i didnt do more ...

so many things are going round and round in my head on days like theses ....

going to go to pop some flowers now at mums grave , have a chat and a cry i expect ..

thanks for listening x

Thanks for the book recommendation js307, I will definately check that book out.

Choclab, I know exactly what you mean. I am beating myself up as last Summer I decided I would call my mum's GP and tell her I was worried about her (jaundice, swollen ankles) and she kept saying she was fine, blood tests not showing anything up but I never got round to calling her GP and feel so guilty about that, that one call might have made a difference. We know now that she knew how ill she was and well never know why she didnt tell us, I feel angry that she couldnt bring herself to tell us but maybe it was her way of protecting us as she loved us so much. I think another poster on here said something realy helpful that if I had made a real point of her drinking and her health it would have affected her relationship.I keep telling myself that its a terrible disease and my mum couldnt help buy carry on drinking. Its so hard not having them at the end of the phone just to have a chat about inconsequential stuff. My DD had chicken pox last week and i just wanted to ring her up and tell her.

Choclab, thats really nice to buy a card and flowers for your mum next week, I think I will do the same. I still have a mother in my heart.

I hope visiting your mum's grave helped. I am sure she is looking down on you and willing you not to feel guilty as none of it was your fault.

x

Thank you Fanta ...

I know we both have such similar stories sadly with no happy ending ..

My sister and i wrote to mums GP 3 months before she died as we to were so very worried , just to put her in the picture that she has a family that cares and we are very worried we listed her symptoms and we evon looked up on internet and could see what we thought was wrong , but without mum wanting help there was very little we could do ....obviously i had no reply so who knows if she evon read it !!!

My mum had (has) a partner who has been awful about the whole thing ,such a long story i wont boar you with it all , but he was awkward just horrid in the hospital , and still is ....this how he has been is not normal and is making our grieving for our mum soooooo much harder ...

dont feel bad about not contacting your mums GP its so very difficult ....and you have nothing to feel guilty for - (((hug)))

i feel such sadness for my mum as when i think she truly wanted to stop (told point blank ) had to when admitted in July - she did try soooo hard and we had the one and only ever conversation about Alcohol and how it all started , was quite special really in a strange way - but sadly to late .

sorry waffling again , x

Its so hard to have someone die from something that could have been prevented. You and your sister should be very proud that you took the time to write to your Mum's GP, shows how caring you were, and the GP would have done what she felt was best at the time. I think my mum was just in such denial about her health, must have been to carry on drinking knowing her liver was knackered, although I still find it so hard to believe that my Mum was doing everything as normal and then, bang, a week later is dead, far too young.

I am sorry that your Mum's partner is difficult, not what you need, but you just remember how special your mum was to you and all your lovely memories with her.

Thanks fanta ,

i think my mum was the same in denial also - i also think my mum must have had many warnings .

do you have a good family net work who are there for you ?

hello all ,

I went to the factory card shop today with my DD , they have some lovely cards for mothers day that are appropriate for people who sadly have lost there mum i had to hold back the tears and found it very hard to see all the cards in the shop , my DD wanted to get me something for next week bless her . I to wanted to get something for my mum and found just the one , with words that say it all ....

I just thought i would pass this on incase it helps anyone els x

I can't imagine your pain... I am sending you comfort and love anyway x

How are you Fanta ? thinking of you and us all tomorrow ..

x

Its been tough today, harder than I imagined, just brought it all home to me today and have felt completely flat. I got a card for her and that was nice to do, wrote it to her like every year. We also buried a rose bush in our garden and put some of her ashes in when we planted it. I now have somewhere where she is and I can go and talk to her whenever I like.

I hope its not been too painful for you all. All I can hope for is that it gets easier each year but without my memory of her fading.

xxxx

Hi Fanta

sounds like you have done really well today , the rose bush in the garden is a lovely idea , and you can watch it grow and blossom knowing you will be close to your Mum .x

im so glad today is done , have cried so much im exhausted ...went to visit mum with my brother , bought a lovely card and my DS and i chose a plant in a pot to take along....

off to bed soon .thoughts for us all xx

Hi Fanta. I am so sorry for you. I lost my mom a few weeks ago in February at 66. Like your mom, she liked a drink and did drink far too much. Again I felt really bad because we never really tried to get her to stop even though she was warned about diabetes. She had pancreatic cancer (not necessarily linked to alcohol intake) in the end, they believe but not sure. I felt guilty that I did not force her to go to hospital earlier. One Saturday in October, I sat with her in obvious pain and tried to get her to go but should have just pushed her in the car and taken her. I understand though that it is common to have feelings of guilt and I think most people do. Both my Dad and I discussed how we felt. It helps to know with my mom that she would rather have lived well and died early. Perhaps your mom was the same.

Bitsy, am so sorry you have lost your Mum. There is no point me saying "you musn't feel guilty" as you cant stop yourself can you. Although the feelings of guilt are getting better and I wonder whether as more time goes by I can get things in perspective and see that her drinking problem was so complex that I could never have solved it without her wanting to stop.

Thought I was doing okay but Mother's Day has hit me hard and havent been able to pick myself up since then. Just keep remembering the last few days in hospital and how she looked and her passing away. Just wish I could erase those memories and think of all the lovely ones I have instead.

Its really hard and dont think you can really understand until you have gone through it yourself. Just feel so flat at the moment.

i know how you feel fanta thought running through my head to
i couldnt stop crying on mothers day , utter sadness for how things had ended and like you re-living those last days in hospital -

happenening before our eyes so quickly , but in slow motion if that makes sense ...

Bitsy -so very sorry for your loss also ((hug))
thinking of us all x

This week has been pretty rubbish, Mother's Day hit me harder than I thought it would. In a way though its been helpful to just have a week where Ive allowed myself to feel sad and cry when I like.

So hard, just having to except they are no longer than there.

Its a beautiful sunny day today so will spend some time in the garden talking to her.

x