anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Justa, I'm sorry to welcome you, but you are welcome. I'm sorry too to hear of your loss. My own Dad went on Aug 19th last year.

You know, I feel that you are so lucky that you chose to go and stay with your parents on that Tuesday. You got to see your Dad and talk, hug etc and had you arrived on the Wednesday, none of that would've happened for you, so you would have had a bigger, older gap in your memory of him if that makes sense. You should hold that close to your heart. You were also there for your Mum which is a good thing. It must've been a huge shock for her that morning.

Heart failure is very common and often silent. My Dad had that too, some time before the dx of lung cancer.
My Dad also loved Christmas. I don't oddly and it's worse now.
Feel free to come on here to let your feelings out when you feel the need. There's usually someone on here that knows a little of how you are feeling though of course, everyones experience is a little different.
Take extra care of yourself.x

Justa i too am sorry for your loss and i feel that you were fortunate to see your Dad one last time.

it has been 11yrs since my own Dad died and 10 1/2yrs since i lost my Mom .

i have had many empty christmas's and sadly there will be many more.
i was very [unjustly] resentful of my DH for a long time because he had his parents and aunties and a Grandmother and i had no family at all!

although without him i would have been a mess. use your DHs shoulder to cry on - its what they are good for .......

Christmas is always a difficult time for all of us - as Five said theres always someone here for support.

My dad died in July after a heart attack aged 58. He had heart disease and had a stent fitted last year but was very fit and was really well so it was a total shock. My husband has been a rock. This Christmas will be bittersweet as the kids will be making us smile. I think it's hard no matter how long your loss has been and I don't think its easier if it's expected or not. I do know that since dad died I've found faith in god and that has helped me so much. I hope everyone here finds some peace this christmas x x x

My Mum died last October. She had been ill for a while before the doctors diagnosed pancreatic cancer, she died 3 months later aged 55.

Myself, DH and 2DS lived with her and my SD, she wanted to stay at home so I took time off from work and cared for her at home.

DS1 was 4 when she died. She was at his birth and he literally spent every day of his life with her. They even used to sleep together most nights.

Telling DS1 that she was dying and there was nothing we could do is the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

We lived through it all and then out of the blue 3 months later my SD started acting strangely. Teling people I didn't look after my DC properly. I was a bad wife, you nsame it.

The situation could not be resolved and for the sake of my mental health we sold the house, split the money and DH and I live with just our 3DS (Had DS3 in Sept.

As aresult of this my family have all but disowned me. SD still spreads outrageous and malicious rumours about me.

Sorry for the long post but it's great to have somewhere that I can share all this.

I am finding Christmas this year very hard.

MW, that's even younger than my Grandad was...he was 60 and 1 week :(

I must say that I'm envious of all you ladies with shoulders to support you...the evening I found out Dad had cancer, half hour later my then Dp's phone rang me and I heard him with other woman :( &

i was going to post, but don't wish to til i have read all the posts and acknowledged them, at least in my head, and I have only just started.

I am so sorry for the loss of all the ones dear to us, and the trauma that has been left behind in many ways for all of those who have posted.

Haribojoe, I'm for you. How horrible. It does make you wonder what goes on in some peoples heads doesn't it? I'm very glad that your Dh is supportive of you; he's the most important one, though I can't for a minute imagine not having my family around me. I'm sorry you lost your Darling Mum...

GrizzlyMacDuff, when you are ready, when you are ready...

Five i hope you have some nice RL friends .... i assume the DP is now an ex!

Ex indeed! but sadly still breathing!

I do have some lovely real life friends, but sadly, out of my circle of best friends, 3 out of 4 of them lost their Mums within the 8 months before my Dad went. My other best friend lost her Mum a couple of years before...what I mean is that it was very hard to lean on them because they were still consumed in their own grief. 1 had died 6 weeks before Dad, 1 was 3 months before and the other was 8 months. Also the now exp's Mum had died 3 months before from the same as Dad and he din't even tell me :(
Bitter? me?

My mum died 5 years ago today... And my dad almost 9 years ago.

Don't feel like going into too much detail now, but just to say that I miss them both so much.

I hate that they aren't here to watch my wonderful DD grow up. And more than anything I miss my mums cuddles..

I would give up so much for 1 of her cuddles right now....

Oh Heifer :( I'm so sorry.

Heifer. I feel the same way. My dc were 3 and 1 when my Dad died. He would have loved to see them now. They are such great children and although my dd still says she remembers him I'm not sure if it's just from photos or from actual memories.

I too would give anything to have him back for just a little while. To tell him how much I loved him and how much I miss him.

I didn't get to say goodbye as he died of a heart attack and my Mum and I didn't make it to the hospital in time.

I feel very sad that he died in hospital alone.

almost 4 years ago today (feels like last year) when my first born daughter was just coming up to 7 months, my mum died of ovarian cancer, 8 months after diagnosis. I spent her last christmas with her, and the weekend before she died, my last time with her, when she asked me to go home (400 miles away) and not to return. I left, intending to return, yet on the way home cried as I knew it would be the last time I saw her. I told her everything I could think of to say to her yet did not feel i had enough time to tell her how much she meant to me. I just don't feel i said what wanted to say. I know I am lucky I had that chance.

My brother moved his wedding forward but she missed it by two weeks. She missed my wedding later that year. She never got to meet her grandson. But she got to meet my daughter, and she got to see me happy. She was about to move to my part of the world to be closer to me and her granddaughter. I know I am lucky but i wanted to care for her as she grew older, give back what she gave to me.

4.5 months later. My dad died. He was an alcoholic and out of touch and he died alone. I felt rather than sad, angry that he dared follow my mother when she had gone to find peace. And then guilt that i felt like that.

The death of my parents ripped my family apart. I did not realise quite how much my mother held us together until she went.

Now, i have vague contact with my brother in the army, we get on fine, but not close. An alcoholic brother who i don't really talk to, and a sister who I have cut out of my life for too many reasons to go into.

I thought I would get over it eventually, get used to it, accept it at least, death of a parent is, after all, natural. But I don't think i really grieved and i am definitely not over it. I cannot describe the utter utter desolation I feel at the hole my mother left when she went. I am only just beginning to understand it myself. But you all know this feeling already, or are learning about it. Which I am so sorry for.

MNers have given me an outlet where there is no where else, when no-one else understands. So thank you.

Merry Christmas to you, and to all those who are not with us.

Grizzly, thank you for sharing. Your post has me crying so thank you for that; it's been welling up in my chest since this afternoon and needed to come out...I feel like my heart will burst with sadness tonight.
I'm sitting at my Mums pc, looking at a photo of my Dad when he was 23. He was handsome in life and he was peacefully handsome in death.

God bless you all and Merry Christmas to everyone and to those resting in our hearts and memories.

Happy birthday Daddy. I miss you and mum so much. x

Been up to put a pot plant on my mum and brothers tree.

Had a cuddle and cry with my dad while the DC looked at us as if we were deranged.

Merry Christmas and love to you all xxxxx

My mum died four weeks ago. I can't write about it now, too much to say. It hurts. I'm going to light a candle for her now. Love to all of you out there who've lost someone too.

flimflammery - and others - it's all so sad isn't it? My mum died 10 weeks ago. She was very religious and has sung in church choirs and been involved with church flowers etc all her life. i knew Christmas would be hard, but have got through it by trying not to think about her. My youngest DD was Mary in the Church crib service yesterday - and I just couldn't stop myself from crying through the whole service as I kept thinking how proud my mum would have been, and what a shame she never saw her as Mary. I just can't talk about my mum as I get so upset, and am very scared that my children won't remember her as I can't keep her memory alive as I can't talk about her. Maybe next year it won't be so raw. Mind you my dad died 26 years ago when I was 16 and I still cry when I talk about him and his death. So maybe not.

morning all, hope everyone survived yesterday as best they could. Yesterday was my second christmas without mum and sixth without dad.
Today is worse, it is my birthday and the last time I saw mum was on my birthday 2 years ago. It is shite and doesn't help that DH is a complete twunt and I should 'be over it' by now. Roll on next summer when I can return home without the miserable git

LilRed hugs to you, yesterday must have been doubly hard x

solo happy birthday to your DD today

I'm few years further on down the line this is the 3rd Christmas without my dad he was only 57 when he died but was very I'll for 3 years before that.Towards the end I stopped praying he would live and started praying he would die :(.had emphysema and cancer so was in a lot of pain

.But I really do miss him.My mum has remarried and my stepdad is a lovely bloke ds3 and dd think of him as Grandad but it's not the same

Feel it mire at Xmas as he loved the tradtional parts the getting together also days out with my dc.mum stepdad do own things over Xmas had a quick 5 min call today. then they was of out they don't really do fun days out as such with grankids.Know it's their own life and time but as was used to it with my dad I do feel it

Grizzly

I feel the same but it was my dad that was the glue and helped hold up the tradtions.

Think feeling it as am yet again alone with the 4dc for Xmas though been good day it is lonely and he would never allow anyone to be alone over Xmas

Just to say I thought about you all and those who have not posted who might be missing some-one yesterday and hope that your day was still good. I was actually fine, I managed, like others, by not thinking much of the family I once had, but the family I do have and the only that really stressed me was not finding my glasses in the morning so going to our christmas destination with no eyesight! Not that bad really, we did not watch much tele!

I did miss the one brother I am talking to, who I have become closer to but not yet close. I think I missed what might have been perhaps. He is in the forces and based in afghanistan, so he really is all alone without family at this time.

I hope the rest of the family celebrations are good for everyone.

Hi folks, I got through yesterday ok too. Went to see Dad at his grave and had a good cry and that made the day better

I am so interested in what you say about your family imploding Grizzly. The exact same thing has happened to mine. I had been thinking that it was because everyone was so overcome with grief and anger with heightened emotions and that things will calm down soon enough, but actually I think you are right, I think some people are just the hubs in a family and once they are gone, things are never the same again.

My 'D'B never asked my mum what she was doing for Christmas and never called her to wish her happy christmas. She could have been sitting at home alone. He never bothered to find out. She wasn't btw - she was with us. I am going to see him in about an hour. I hope I can keep my cool

Having found the last few weeks difficult yesterday was actually okay. Though I think a lot of that is because the day is all about the children and you don't really have time to think about much else.

Hope it wasn't too hard for the rest of you (if that's possible).

Ladyblablah - since my DM died and family fell apart (now have virtually no contact with my family) DH often says that my Mum was obviously all that held the family together.

I think it's just a shame that none of them felt they could offer some support to me whilst caring singlehandedly for my Mum at home and then through the grieving process. Still I can't change that.

Thinking of you all.