Mum still crying, everytime I phone her, Dad died 18 months ago....

[DrNortherner]

She lives 80 miles away, doesn't drive. I dee her every fortnight, she stayed with us BH weekend.

She has always been negative and prone to depression, and now I am finding her increasingly difficult to deal with.

Just spent 40 mins on the phone, with her crying for most of it. She's sad, she's lonely, the nights are long alone etc etc. Everything I suggest (widows club/friendship groups/committees etc) she has a reason not to do it. When I asked her what hobby she would like, she says reading, great, I suggest joining a book club, then she says no, she can't concentrate on a book since my Dad died.

I am exhausted dealing with her, she won't take sleeping tables, anti depressants or see a grief counsellor. It seems she wants to be in a constant state of depression and wants no solutions.

Has anyone experinced anything similar?

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.
Your poor mum. And it must be so hard for you to deal with. I would find it frustrating, too. Indeed I did following my sister's death in 2004. My mum reacted very badly and has only been a bit more 'normal' and less-down in the past year.
Do you have any siblings?

No, i have no siblings. Just me.

Thanks for your post.

Does she realise that she's depressed? Why does she not want to see a counsellor or take anti-depressants? Would she go and talk to her GP.

Oh DrN, I really feel for you. It must be so hard, desperately trying to help someone who does not want to be helped. Or at least, she can't see that the help you are offering would make things slightly easier for her. Of course these things won't bring your father back, or make things better, but they would at least occupy her, get her mind working, etc.

I have no experience of anything similar. Since my father died (just 8 short weeks ago), my mother has done everything she can to keep herself busy. She of course has her down times - she has just lost her partner of 50 odd years - but she is quite a remarkable lady.

I don't really know what to suggest. How was she when she stayed with you? Did you manage to get her out of the house and doing things with you? Any chance you could have her to stay more frequently?

My Mum won't go to her GP as she doesn't like him But won't change GP either....

When she was at ours, she was better, but when she goes back she hits me with how lonely and sad she feels. She is dreading winter and the dark nights.

Because she is quite difficult, and always was, even when my wonderful, kind, easy going Dad was around her and dh really only tolerate each other, so I tend to visit her more than her coming to us. Plus she doesn't drive, and expects me to collect her and take her home, when I have a family and a job this is not always easy....

My Dad died three weeks ago, at the moment my Mum is fairly balanced so to speak. When Dad was dying Mum read a book called "The Courage to Grieve"

She found it extremely helpful, you can get it on Amazon.

HTH.

Do you think she'd like to move nearer to you? Could you cope with that? If she was only a few miles away it might be easier to pop in for 30mins a couple of times a week than drive 80miles every fortnight.

Yes, I thought that could be an option for DrN too Viva. Making the distance less (but perhaps not too close for the sake of your marriage) might make things easy for both you, logistically, and also make your Mum feel a little less isolated.

Bree, sorry to hear about your father too.

I meant to say make things easier, not easy (have baby on lap, making it hard to type). There is never going to be an easy in this situation sadly.

Maybe sheltered accomodation near you so she has a sense of community so she doesn't feel so alone?

Oh dear. I really sympathise with you.

My mum died in 2004, and it's really taken most of the time since then for my dad to reach some sort of acceptance. Having said that, he hasn't been behaving quite like your mum. But similarly, any suggestions that he might want to visit us/do something, etc, etc, were usually met with refusals/reasons why he couldn't.

I'm a bit torn between saying that you need to give her time and between saying that you need to have some fairly frank words with her. If she's still crying all the time, then ADs and/or grief counselling would really be a good idea. I think I might try and take over a bit and insist that it's done/book an appointment/go with her, etc, etc.

But I don't want to appear callous either. Without knowing you/her it's really hard to know which is the best course of action.

It strikes me, though, that there is a very unfair burden being laid on your shoulders here, and that your right to grieve isn't being respected by your mum.

Sorry for you and your loss, btw

Dr Northerner

I'm sorry to hear your mum is still struggling, I know how difficult it is when you are also trying to cope with the loss of your father yourself.

As you know I lost my father last year also.

My mum is in the process of selling our family home to move up nearer to me and my husband for practical reasons and also so she doesnt feel so isolated. She feels that she is moving forward and starting a new chapter in her life, there are too many memories as my father built our family home.

She has had some very difficult times and I'm sure we don't see the half of it.

Although she does drive, which has been a godsend for her getting some confidence and normality back in her life.

From time to time my mum has our dog overnight for company and has found him a great comfort.

I would suggest like others that your mum should be seeking some help from the doctors, if she is so depressed, does she have any pets to look after? I know the prospect of a bad winter is at the back of my mums mind which doesnt help the situation.

Hope things start to get better soon. Hugs to you.

Sounds difficult for you all, sounds like your mum is lacking in purpose, it's hard to know what to do when you stop being a wife and carer, how do you suddenly plan a different future when you resent having too?
I may have said before, I went throu many stages when DH died.
The glass is half empty and there's a crack in the glass
The glass might be half full but it's not the drink I ordered.
Ok it's not the drink I ordered but I guess I'll grow to tolerate it.
Actually, thou I wouldn't have asked for this drink, I'm finding it very nice.

I dunno if this helps at all but I know it took me ages to find any joy in anything, if I laughed slept or ate I felt guilty, these days I've swopped most of the guilt for peace.

I could have written your post myself, as this was exactly what my dad was like for about 2 years after my mum died. My Dad also has always been prone to black periods of depression. He seemed to cope around other people, but around me it was always doom and gloom and sadness. I felt like I was holding upright for all that time - at times I literally was!

My Dad went into several episodes of a frenzy of activity, redecorating the house and removing anything pretty and feminine, re doing the garden etc, etc, and then falling into a black depression of weeping and anxiety. Crying down the phone, turning up at my door at all hours - it broke my heart it was so sad.

Eventually when I was near to a nervous breakdown/divorce, I spoke to his GP and begged her to see him. She did and put him on a low dose of prozac and very mild sleeping tablets. Within one month he was a different man, able to see the positive side of things and in better health generally as he was sleeping better and had a bit of an appitite back.

Three years down the road from those dark days, he has a ladyfriend of 74, a social life and is coping well with support.

I think the key with your mum might be to get her some physical support in terms off anti-depressants, and then help her to come back into the world with interaction with others.

I wish you luck.

DrN

I've posted on your previous threads about your mum. My Dad died in 2003 and my mum is STILL like your description of your mum. I still battle away trying to get her to do anything, get help, blah blah blah - but I don't get anywhere.

In a way, I can "sort of" see where both your mum and my mum are coming from. I lost my OH 3 years ago and bloody hell, it's been a struggle. I have 2 young kids, so I HAVE to get out there and live life - but most of the time, I really don't want to.

I'm a glass half-full kind of person, so will keep going and will get out and about and keep living. But the pain is sometimes too much to "want" to do anything.

Hope this gives a bit of insight. I do feel for you though, it's frustrating!

Thanks guys for all of your input, it really does help.

Lemomylemon, I know your Mum is similar to mine, and of course for you things are much worse due to loss of your dh, for which I am very sorry.

Bree - sorry you lost your dad too. It's hard isn't it?

Mum moving closer to me is not an option. She lives in an ex council house in Teesside, I live in Harrogate, she can not afford anything here at all, nor in surrounding towns or villages. Plus, her Mum and her 5 sisters are very close to her now and although she says they offer her no support they actually do. She meets them during the day in the week, I work and would not be able to see her in the day time at all.

Sadly, I now realise she was difficult when Dad was alive (and not very nice to him but that's a whole other thread....) but it was bearable when Dad was alive because he and I had such a loving and close relationship.

I have spent most of life propping her up tbh.

Dr - Northerner - really feel for you. It is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it, the pain and psychological distress of trying to help someone who won't accept help or help themselves. My Mum was very like that. I think some people are completely devestated by the death of a partner and the older they are, the worse it is. If they haven't any social life it is very hard to build one up. I don't see how you can do any more than you are doing. Could you talk to her about how you are feeling, e.g. that you too are finding it hard to cope with your grief, you are very worried about her and the fact that she is still so depressed and if she went to the doctor it would make you feel better? I found it very difficult that my grief after my father died was not even acknowledged by my mother. And I have two brothers who helped me face it all. Maybe your Mum sees depression and going to the doctor about it as some kind of weakness or stigma. Mine certainly did.
If you don't think confronting her with your feelings will help at all, I don't see that there is any more you can do. If she really won't go the doctor you can't force her, as we found with my mother, sadly. I know 18 months with this problem seems like an eternity, but it isn't very long after a bereavement. I lost both my parents within a year of each other and it is only now, two years and a bit on that I feel I am getting anywhere near normality. Maybe she will just improve spontaneously.
Sorry I can't suggest anything else. Thinking of you.

I have told her about how I feel. I have told her she suffocates me, and that I need to grieve for my wonderful Dad. This just upsets her even more [hhm]

She says if she cam't talk to me then she has no one.

I have stopped crying in front of her because she then talks about how sad she is and cries even louder.

I have to ring her again this eve and I am dreading it.

Plus, she is not that old. She is only 61. But, she had no life of her own. My dad was a very buys man (had a job and he was a local councillor) so she kind of lived through him.

Has your mum got any friends?

My step mother was like this for a couple of years after my dad died. She used to get so upset and as she is in Cleveland and I am in the other end of the country I couldn't do very much.

A friend of hers helped a lot. Even got her a date with someone through the internet. They now live together and though she still gets upset about my dad she is enjoying life a lot more. I am glad she has met someone.

A friend of mine lost her husband and then had cancer. She got herself a rescue cat which has been some comfort to her.

Hi drnortherner, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my dad 12 years ago and my mum is still like this. It feels like you're going round and round in circles and all conversations are same. I just want to scream at her to get a grip which in turn makes me feel guilty for being understanding enough.
You say he was a councillor is there any way that you can encourage her to get more involved with the council in a sort of continuing his legacy type of way? Can you get your sisters to do something with her - actually take her to a group or out somewhere regularly - U3A?
I wish I could offer more constructive advice but I just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone.

She has two friends. One visits her every Tuesday evening, and the other friend is also a widow and they go on day trips/holiday together. Only this widowed friend is also a negative person and after being in her company all my Mum does is moan about her....it does feel like going round and round in circles.

The council work is a no go really as she has a habit of slagging folk off, and it has got back to most of the other councillors who were friendly with my Dad. She blames them for moving on and thinks they have all forgotten my dad and the good things he did, despite having an annual charity football match named after him, a high achievers award named after him at the college he taught at and the local community centre has been named after him.

Meant to say each phone call is so hard work because I have to focus on speaking in a positive way, and putting a positive spin on all her negativeness. It's quite exhausting.

Sometime when I throw a positive back at her I just get SILENCE. Then she goes onto the next moan like she didn't hear what I said.

Could it be time for a bit of 'tough love', DrNortherner?