Mum still crying, everytime I phone her, Dad died 18 months ago....

[DrNortherner]

She lives 80 miles away, doesn't drive. I dee her every fortnight, she stayed with us BH weekend.

She has always been negative and prone to depression, and now I am finding her increasingly difficult to deal with.

Just spent 40 mins on the phone, with her crying for most of it. She's sad, she's lonely, the nights are long alone etc etc. Everything I suggest (widows club/friendship groups/committees etc) she has a reason not to do it. When I asked her what hobby she would like, she says reading, great, I suggest joining a book club, then she says no, she can't concentrate on a book since my Dad died.

I am exhausted dealing with her, she won't take sleeping tables, anti depressants or see a grief counsellor. It seems she wants to be in a constant state of depression and wants no solutions.

Has anyone experinced anything similar?

I don't mean to sound harsh about your mum or diminish her grief but do you think maybe deep down she likes being this depressed? The crying, the attention, the making you feel guilty/worry?

Some people are very negative and probably won't ever change, they ignore all advice/ideas given to them as they don't actually want anything to change. Hence the ignoreing of the advice about grief counsellors, evening classes, anti-depressents.

It does sound like your mum has more going for her than a lot of people in her situation with her friends and sisters being close by and you visiting fornightly. She's lucky to have that.

DrN

I don't think I came across very well in my post, but you really do have my sympathy. Bereavement/grief is an uphill struggle at the best of times.

Even ignoring what has happened to me personally, every now and then I have to take a step back from my Mum, otherwise I feel as if I don't have my own life and am her whipping post because of her grief.

I really don't have any advice for you, I'm afraid. I just think that maybe your Mum and my Mum are passively/agressively quite happy in their comfort zone.

Dr N - I went through this with my Mum 11 years ago. They sound very similar. Can I CAT you?

Mrs S, don't think I am contactable on CAT any more, plus an old email address on my account. But I would love to hear from you, I am struggling at the moment to keep her propped up. Can I CAT you?

I so completely understand this.

When my father died my mother was a wreck. She was not just poleaxed by the loss of my father, but by the fact that life was not what it was. She had never done anything for herself - couldn't drive, had never paid a bill etc etc etc. She refused to speak to a bereavement counsellor and refused to take the antidepressants the doctor prescribed (I went myself to her GP to ask for help). She also cancelled Christmas: we had always had big family Christmases - and they stopped and she never put up a card/decorated/acknowledged it again.

I'm afraid she never got over it and when she died seven years later it was sort of a relief in a way.

It's funny in that now loads of my peers have lost their fathers and their mothers have all seemed to get a new lease of life upon casting off their (curmudgeonly old) husbands.

Ah sounds similar to my Mum. My Dad did everything in the house really, he cooked, he ironed, he did all the DIY, he made her her breakfast every morning, cleared her plates, basically waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't really seem to appreciate it when he was here. He was such a busy man and when he came from work she would have been mulling things over all day and he would have to listen to her crying about petty fall outs with her sisters and her neighbours.

Poleaxed is a good word to describe it I think.

Dr N - your last post is exactly how my parents were. My Dad even dried my Mum when she got out of the bath!

And the petty fall-outs (which continue today).

Yes, please CAT me.

I remember your other threads DrN, have not been in your position (thankfully) but I just wanted to give you a unmn hug and a squeeze. x

DrN

It will be 7 years on Wednesday since my Dad died. My Mum is only now clearing her house (with an awful lot of help/effort by my sister).

She's getting rid of all her Christmas decorations now. For her, Christmas has no meaning - apart from giving the grandchildren presents.

She won't see a bereavement counsellor or get anti-depressants from the GP.

Poleaxed is just the right word for what this has all done to her. I don't think that she's ever going to really get back on her feet again either.....

I have posted this before but just after my Dad's death my Mum asked me to cut her toenails because Dad used to do it.....

Thanks for all your support.

Mrs S, off to see about CATing you. Thanks.

I have your CAT (miaow!) DrN, but emails just get bounced back for non-delivery from my hotmail. Will try my other email.

OK, try substituting my name in the email addy with jamie. That will deffo work.

DrN - I think the email addy (it looks like a work one *con.com?) that MNHQ have is maybe an old one?

Oh yes it is old, I am no longer their any more! Will have to change it in my profile. Unless you CAT me? Sorry about this.

DrN, I hope you will look after yourself. Maybe you should visit your own GP? Then you will be able to tell your mother that you're feeling so bad you needed to so. Perhaps it would make her think?

Duuh Mrs S. Just realised if you CAT me teh message wil go to teh same old email addy. God I am dense sometimes. Will try and amend my profile.

Unless you are on FB? My first name is Debbie and you ahve my surname from the email address. I am the only person with that name so should be easy to find.

Thanks

Have sent you message on FB. I am the only person with my name too!

Dr N, you are stunning, too! Very unfair - brains and good looks togerher.

We finally established contact yay!

Thanks for your very kind words, you made me blush.....

Will message you soon.
x

Hi there,

Really so sorry to hear about your sad loss and the ongoing difficulty with your mum.

There is an interesting psychology book called The Games People Play and in it one of the commonest mind games is called "Why Don't You?" "Yes, But" - essentially the more you suggest things for your mum to do, the more she counters with "Yes But" Her aim is to convince you that she has no viable options and is justified in moping - the more you try to be positive, the more she ups the ante to convince you she;s right to be depressed. I would try just agreeing with her and see if that takes the wind out of her sails.
I can really see though that having to endure onslaughts of her grief for months and years on end when you have lost your own lovely Dad must be awful.
Good luck with it all, I feel for you.