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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

lost my mum finding it hard

39 replies

choclab · 27/08/2010 21:11

My Mum died just over 3 weeks ago , we have had the funeral just last week , now expected to pick my self up and get back to "normal " i guess ...

i cant believe shes gone ....

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/08/2010 21:19

I'm so sorry for your loss. And no, it never gets back to normal - normal just changes, and eventually you learn to cope with the change, but it's never the pre-death normal, if you know what I mean. You sort of learn to carry the grief around with you, you learn to manage the grief, but that takes time.

I can't imagine anyone really thinks you should just pick yourself back up so soon - it's going to take a long long time and it must all be so raw for you at the moment. Be kind to yourself - if you need to cry, then cry. I'm very sorry.

BigBoldAndBeautiful · 27/08/2010 21:21

So sorry choclab. :( I am going through what you have been through, my dear mum is dying, she doesn't have long.

She is at home with me, it is bittersweet, as she cannot move, eat or acknowledge me, but I have time to care for her and know that you can't go back to "normal" for sometime to come.

:( :( :(

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 21:28

thank you both ,

its so very very hard .....i was with my mum along with my brother and sister all a sareal time , everything going in slow motion ....

still cant believe its all happened ...

im so very sorry BBAB you are going through this time ,and hope you have family or friends to be with you to .

OP posts:
leplan · 27/08/2010 21:29

So sorry, I have lost both my parents and it never gets back to 'normal'

But as hassled said, it gets easier as the sadness turns to loving memories and you begin to remember the happiness that they brought.

It's also not an upward curve. You could be fine for months, and then overwhelmed with grief, or not. There is no perfect way to feel or deal with it.

But you don't need to pick yourself up. you are grieving, and it is very painful.

Go easy on yourself.

Snuppeline · 27/08/2010 21:29

So sorry for your loss Choclab. It is true what the other have said that there's no 'normal' after such a loss. A mother is so special to us and no matter how old we are we are always to young to be mother-less. I lost my mom when I was 18 and it will be 10 years ago this February that she passed, I am dreading that anniversary but though the pain is still there nearly 10 years on and I still miss her so much and wish with all my heart she was here to experience my life with me the pain has taken a different form for me and I am now able to spend more time relishing good memories than being upset when I think about her.

I have very little memory of the first six months after she passed but I do remember not smiling or laughing and starting to wear black clothes as I felt I needed to tell the outside world I was greaving. Indeed I wished our culture still awknowledged a proper grieving period and that family was expected to wear some sign like drawn curtains and black ribbon or fully black clothes. I wanted people to know I was in grief so they wouldn't expect me to be 'normal' and I think it took me a year to start to enjoy things again. Don't expect normality and don't push yourself. Our fast-paced life isn't suited for the often long process wich is grief but to grieve is normal and healthy (within reason of course). Let people around you know that you are still grieving and make sure you do what you feel like doing and not what people expect you to. Thinking of you.

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 21:38

thank you ,

im so very sorry for all of your losses to .

i have alot of unanswered questions to regarding recent events so that to is playing on my mind , answers i doubt i will ever find out ...

was in tescos today , people were smiling laughing some of them , all busy busy ...i just wanted them to stop ..

feel also what is the point of anything ...

its when im alone or trying to sleep i go through everything and it takes over ....

i will never here her voice again ....see her smile ...hear her laugh ...

OP posts:
BCBG · 27/08/2010 21:49

choclab, I lost my darling Ma 15 moths ago. I miss her every day Sad. I don't cry every day any longer, and there are quite long spells when I don't feel the pain, but she is always a painful absence when something happens each day that we would have talked about or shared in some way. I don't think it ever goes, but you will learn to live with it and be happy again, but you wont learn to forget Sad

I am so sorry

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 21:54

thank you ,

so hard ....Sad

OP posts:
2shoes · 27/08/2010 21:55

so sorry for your loss, it is so hard.
my dad died last year and.... well it is horrid.
xx

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 22:01

thank you

so sorry for you to .

x

OP posts:
seb1 · 27/08/2010 22:05

Sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in January it never goes back to normal, it is getting slightly easier (I think) but sometimes I feel like I am sucked back through a vortex to the time when she died. Sometimes you feel ok and then you suddenly remember she isn't here Sad.

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 22:10

im so sorry for you to .

when mum was in hospital time seemed to be in slow motion day after day waiting , wanting a change , now shes gone time seems to be flying ....and i dont want it to as i want to keep talking , remembering , i suppose keeping it alive and not in the past ....

if that makes sense ....

OP posts:
seb1 · 27/08/2010 22:12

You also feel scared of forgetting things.

LadyThompson · 27/08/2010 22:18

You poor poor thing. You are in the earliest of early days in grief terms, and you will be for many months. I won't lie and tell you it will stop hurting, because it will hurt forever. But the thing is, you will carry her with you forever as well, in everything you do, and in time that will seem more of a comfort than it does now. I lost my DH, by the way, not my Mum. In time you will feel stronger. But you have to be gentle with yourself for a very very very long time.

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 22:21

thank you .

i just cant believe iv lost my mum ....Sad

thanks everyone you all been so kind and that is a comfort to me .

OP posts:
DreamTeamGirl · 27/08/2010 23:23

Its such a shock isnt it?

As someone else said, life takes a very long time to goback to normal- for me its been 4.5 months since my dad died, and it all still seems surreal
Those last 12 hours in the hospital were really odd time and life afterwards is a new exsistence
I have less patience with people and a shorter fuse. I am more emotional and less predictable. BUT I dont cry every day anymore and I can now think of him and still be happy

Good luck with making it through the next few months xx

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 23:38

Thank you ,

early days for us both ....

one day at a time i guess

x

OP posts:
CornishKK · 27/08/2010 23:41

Choclab, so sorry to hear that you are going through this, a truly shit time. I lost my Mum in 2006, we were very close and I still miss her every day. There will always be a Mum shaped hole in my life and it takes a long time to come to terms with that, I'm not sure that I have yet.

Don't expect to get over it quickly but I promise you it will get easier.

My Mum was an amazing woman and I count myself very lucky to have had her in my life even if it wasn't for as long as I would have liked.

Take every day as it comes, every milestone you make it through is a step towards feeling better. You'll have days when you feel good and days when the reality of it hits you like a ton of bricks, it's all normal.

Stay strong (but don't be scared to collapsed in a big snotty heap when you need to).

Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 23:48

thanks cornishKK, sorry for your loss to ....x

thats all i can do , take day at a time ...

up and down , in my thoughts by myself its hard ...when im busy with kids ..i forget , then i feel bad i have ..i didnt forget just distracted ...

TV, peoples munday chit chat ...
is all a blur to me as all i want is not to be in this situation at all and to have things how they were ....

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
choclab · 27/08/2010 23:55

Thank you all for your kind words of support .

night all xx

OP posts:
Original poster
choclab · 30/08/2010 15:54

Feeling sad today ...wanted to call her and have a chat ...miss you mum xx

OP posts:
seb1 · 30/08/2010 16:19

You'll still think when something happens (something did to me today), oh I'll need to call/tell Mum.

Original poster
choclab · 30/08/2010 16:21

Sad yes im sure your right , also places you go things you do ...

OP posts:
MyFourGirls · 30/08/2010 23:03

hi there...i lost my lovely mum to an aneurism on july the 25th... i'm pregnant with twins. i was 21 weeks pregnant at the time. i think it's just beginning to sink in. she was the only one who has ever really known who i am and understood me completely. i'm just realising how bereft i am. it's not like she's away on holiday anymore.she's gone and i'm completely puzzled as to where she is. we were so close, i can't believe she would just leave like that...surreal and horrible - i'm embarking on probably one of the most difficult journeys of my life and i could do with my mum...

anastasia74 · 31/08/2010 20:03

cloclab

I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

I lost my dear dad last year (July) and recall the early days/weeks being surreal. I think I was in shock actually. Like a bomb going off in the middle of our lives.

It was all so unbelieveable and sudden. It was like being in a play really. I did'nt recognise it as being my life. It had such an impact on all our lives.

I went back to work after 3 weeks off - which I feel helped me a lot as I had a lot of support from colleagues who had lost family members also.

Some times I would feel that I was coming to terms with his death, then at other times would feel totally bereft all over again, as if it had just happened.

Now it's over a year I feel that I can think about the happier times. but it has been a very painful long long road to get here.

Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. This thread helped me immensely. Thinking of you.