How are you coping with pregnancy following the death of a child?

[sh77]

Hello everyone

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and am struggling. I find it very difficult to talk to family (they are the most wonderful people. It is me who is very guarded about discussing how I feel). My daughter passed away very unexpectedly a day after her birth in 2009. I had 2 miscarriages after that but they didn't affect me as much as her death. I am feeling so very low. Not sure if it is my hormones. I am delighted to be pregnant but just feel numb and am not thinking too far into the future in case things go wrong. I have become really reclusive and don't like to be around people very much and I worry that I am experiencing some sort of depression.

Just wondered how you got through your pregnancy. What things helped you?

I had counselling after my 2nd m/c and during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with DD1 when I seemed to be threatenong another m/c...which seems very minor in comparison to what you've been through. But I did find that talking to someone who was unconnected to me in real life meant that there was no need to be brave or to try not to upset people - I just ranted a lot about how unfair it was and how worried I was etc. and it really helped.
Maybe your midwife or doctor could suggest someone?

But do try to find someone to talk to - it's a lot to cope with by yourself and you really need to cherish yourself at this time.
x

Thank you for sharing. I have my booking appointment shortly after my 12 week scan and so will discuss.
xx

Have you thought about keeping a diary - you can always throw it out it once it's surplus to requirements - but it's a good way to get all the worries out of your head. They often seem less scary when they're on paper and you could use it as a way of communicating how you feel to your loved ones, which is what you said you find tricky.

I do wish you all the best. x

Just seen your post Sh77 - I think we have come across each other before.

Firstly - congratulations on your pg I hope it is progressing well.

My dd was stilborn at term June last year and right now I have a 14 week old dd3 at my side. The pg was hard work and it wasn't until dd3 was born that I realised the immense pressure DH had been under, if I could go back and do it again I would be more alert to this. For myself taking it a step at a time (there was no diagnosed reason for dd2's stilbirth so no condition to manage), I was lucky to have the same mw for all my girls which was a tremendous relief and support. I became very frantic at the 17 wk + stage when movements are small and easy to miss and I had a number of panic visits to the hospital to be checked and everyone was very understanding.

YOu may already have found that some folk come out with the most inappropriate comments (sonographers telling us we looked worried, practice nurse telling me how to deal with morning sickness despite this being my 5th pg etc.) I just had to face it out and fall to pieces in the car later.

I think it is fair to say that this pg will be quite a journey, you are allowed to feel excited and enjoy it but you may well not feel like that - we certainly felt like we were holding our breath for the full 9 months and the sound of her cryng immediately after delivery had us all in tears of relief.

You may have already seen these threads bereaved mums thread
[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/842408-A-gentle-thread-for-those-starting-again-after-a-difficult pg thread for the justifyably anxious

doh, sorry

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/842408-A-gentle-thread-for-those-starting-again-after-a-difficult

Hi woolyjo

Thanks so much for sharing. Means a lot to hear of your experience. Yes, we have heard of each other. I posted very occasionally on the thread. I am just not very good at posting regularly.

I had my 12 wk scan and booking appointment on Monday. The scan went well but I entered the room in tears and cried throughout the scan. This baby was very calm but my daughter was bouncing around at 12 wk! Was lovely to see. I think I felt numb and as if it was happening to me.

I have been assigned to the high risk team and the midwife was wonderful and very thorough. She assigned me to 2 consultants, has referred me to perinatal support (to deal with the emotional side) and a dietician. I have no doubt that my ante care will be excellent. However, like your experience, there were no indications that my daughter was unwell. She died of infection a day after birth. Perhaps a swab before induction would have picked it up.

I think my biggest fear is feeling detached from the pregnancy. Following two MCs after DD died, I am scared to hope for too much. I walked into a maternity wear shop last week and walked straight back out as I felt that I shouldn't be there.

OH has been wonderful but I am trying not to burden him with too much with how I am feeling.

Again, many thanks. Hope all is well with your new baby.

First of all Congratulations sh

I have gone on to have two more children after Harry died and my first pregnancy was stressful , I was in such a mix of emotions .

Was I betraying Harry by having another one ?
Was I pushing my luck and I just wasn't supposed to be a mum ?
What the hell would I do if another child got ill ?
Would I end up in a tent in the a and e car park ?

It was so confusing , I did settle a bit as the pregnancy progressed but I agree with woollyjo , I don't think I breathed out until I had that baby in my arms . He was so different from Harry that it really helped me not to be as panicky as I thought I would be . I do still have my moments but a lot better than I could have hoped to imagine .

There are a few of us who have been through this , feel free to come back and see us any time . No need to post all the time , a few people just dip in and out whenever xx

I cried all through my pregnancy with dd3 after I lost dd2 she was stillborn at 34 weeks. I cried at every appointment, all the scans and don't even mention what I was like when she was delivered safe and screaming. You just need to do what you feel, if your stressed go to your gp, if you need to have more scans ask your consultant. Make sure you have a SANDS green sticker on your notes. I'm sure when I was sobbing at various stages it was the green sticker that stopped staff calling in the mental health team. I had a very cheesy mantra when I was pregnant... it's a bit gameshow... YOU HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT. I just felt I was mad facing pregnancy again but if I wanted another gorgeous child then I had to just keep going.
I have had 4 gorgeous girls I still feel the loss of dd2 but I am surviving.

Oh by the way... the detatched part is something I wouldn't worry about. I was quite detatched in fact I didn't know how much until dd3 was born. I was in a total state of shock that she was fine. Apparently according to dh when she came out I said oh oh it's a baby... I didn't stop poking her for days just to make sure she was real.
Well done for keeping on trying, you are a brave amazing woman X