any not so newly widowed around?

[BellevilleRendezvous]

I know there are a few of you who post on MN - I'm more than 3 years on from being widowed with small child but struggling atm.

It would be great to talk to anyone who is also a bit further down the road. Places like MW are great, but I don't feel like they are the right place for me now, as I am (I thought) long past the initial raw state of early bereavement.

Belleville, I'm sorry I'm not the right person to talk to (just over a year for me), but I just wanted to bump this.

I'm really sorry you're struggling. Are you a WAY member? There are quite a few people on the SWANS forums who have been widowed a while and anyway three years isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps to those who don't have to live with the loss everyday, but not to those who do.

Bit hypocritical of me to ask as I hate people suggesting it to me, but have you ever had/thought of having counselling? I know people who have found it very helpful.

Ive been a widow for Nine years now. Im not here much at the moment but just tought i would let you know. My husband was 35 years older than me and my son was five two days after his dad died.

Hi, I'm coming up to three and a half years, with 2 young children, and have been struggling for the last few months.

For me it is not the rawness of the early days, but the daily grind, and the sadness.

Take care

Nearly four years here - mostly doing OK, though sometimes the relentlessness of the single-parent thing gets me down, being the only responsible one all the time, and not having another adult around to share everything with, good and bad. Also summer holidays - seeing all the other dads spending time and doing fun stuff with their children, just like DH used to do with ours....

It's now 18 years for me - I'm not really in the same boat as I didn't have children with him (am remarried with two pre-schoolers now)

Nearly four years too.

I have four boys, one with ASD.

I was directed to mumsnet from MW. It's a fine site, but I agree with you. Things change. It isn't right to post low things there years on.... New people can't cope with it.

I can though.

Go on. We are listening.

Yes, solo dad.

There are lots of offers of help in the first few weeks when you don't need it, aren't there?

Months and years on there is fuck all.

(btw do I know you? I was Ianf on MW)

hello again - how lovely to hear from everyone. makes me feel better not being alone.

solodad has summed it up, as has exepat. not raw grief but just the grind of coping, doing it all alone, being the only parent.

Realised today (probably not for the first time but feels like it) that it is never not going to be a sad thing that DH died and is not here to see his lovely son, to be with us, living our lives together and supporting each other in our family.

1 adult and 1 small child doesn't seem like much of a family. It should have been 4 of us and I think I am also down right now for the baby that will never be, that would, if things had worked out, been born in the last few months.

Feel suddenly very stuck. Have lots to do, loads going on in my life but can't be arsed to do anything. have spent the day avoiding all tasks, phone calls etc.

I think I am a bit sick of being the push and the pull. No-one to cook for, no-one asking how my day was or saying that he's proud of all I'm doing, helping out and just providing emotional support. It's really hard to keep going with only a 3yo for company - don't get much feedback for me from that source!

I am really lucky I have lots of practical support, but NO emotional support. Even my mum doesn't ask how things are these days.

Sorry that was long and self-indulgent.

RetiredGoth I remember you from MW. Are things still going well with the new lady?

I came over here from MW too, following someone's link (might well have been yours, RG, since you're the same sort of era) - a year or so on - the same things kept coming up again and again, which gets depressing.

I'm another one who's never gone for counselling, though I know plenty of people swear by it. But I did just meet up with an old friend who's been widowed two years - we'd been out of touch for ages, and it was good to talk to someone dealing with the same things....

sorry many typos in that message.

I have done counselling, two different types. most recent was really good and helpful for finding practical ways through hard stuff. but I can't afford it any more.

i rarely visit MW now - it was a lifeline in the early days but now I feel like I am intruding on raw terrible grief, I recognise it but am a long way past. and can't go and off load there, particularly as I know from experience that next week I am likely to feel a lot better.

X-posted with you Belleville, but I can identify with everything you said. My two DCs are older, so we can at least talk, but a 12-year-old and a 7-year-old aren't the most sophisticated company. And yes, the three of us don't quite feel 'enough' a lot of the time, specially since I spend a lot of my time keeping the peace between them. Do you get any time to yourself or adult company? Those are the two things I find myself craving most of all....

it's good to know others understand, thanks for your post exexpat.

i do have time to myself while ds is at nursery 2 days a week, but have done literally nothing with it today, which is stupid and frustrating as I have loads to do.

get some adult company, but it's never when you want it is it? that sounds spoilt, but you know, I'd like DH to be there first thing in the morning, and coming in to help with bath and supper. I see friends but it is organised drinks in a bar, or coffee with other mums, not the same as spending time with the one person you want to spend most of your time with. I miss spending time with another adult who is special to me, who is my person, and whose person I am, IYKWIM.

HI BR (great name by the way - love the film)
I don't think I have anything really helpful to say, but I certainly know what you mean about being "stuck". I felt unable to move on for 10 years - although I think that I have specific character traits that made this worse if you know what I mean. I think oone of the reasons was that I never really addressed the problem - I just kept very busy taking on challenging jobs that were all consuming, and became a bit rootless. I can imagine that with young children this could be an issue for you -you just put your head down and keep going (although hopefully you're more rooted than I was). I've been thinking whether there's any advice I can offer about how I finally moved on and I'm not sure there is. I did have counselling around that time, but I'd had it before so I'm not sure if it was this specifically that helped me make the break.

Don't beat yourself up about not doing anything constructive when you have free time - maybe thats what you need at the moment?

RG, yep you do know me, was Dave-t on MW and WH chat.

Exexpat, agree with you on the responsibilty and the sharing things

I'm at just over 2 years now, people think that it's all dealt with after a year t they.
I was om MW and now on way but not a frequent caller these days.

I'm another one who's (just) 3 years along this road. I'm also another one who posts on MW infrequently as it doesn't seem really relevant to me anymore.

I know what you all mean about the daily grind. Oh, for someone to cook a meal for me, just once in a while. Or someone to share those big decisions you have to make. I've just been off work for 2 weeks with my kids and haven't had a minute to myself, I joke not - not even to go to the bathroom....

Trying to revive this thread.

I am at nearly 3 years with a 12 and 16 year old. Oh for someone who knows my elder teenager and loves her as much as I do to talk about the way she is...(I realise that is a contradiction, that would be her dead dad coming back to life).

I was marje on MW, I remember ianf! Also do not post so much on MW because it seems cruel to newly bereaved people to post about unhappiness later on...

I feel as if I am still grieving but it is different from the early days. It doesn't go away though, even if I (sometimes!) cope with it a bit better.

hello, myfriendflicka, thanks for posting on here ... as ever I got busy and things got better and I'm back on an even keel again. Sorry to hear you're feeling the loss more keenly at the moment.

It's amazing how much more positive things can be when your child is co-operative and sunny-tempered. I was feeling really down when I started this thread partly because my 3yo was just hard work.

you are right - the grieving continues but it is so different from those early days. Better mostly? I hope for you as well?

Hi BR,

Thanks for replying - yes that's true, when my daughter is being more pleasant, it does make everything easier.

Three year olds can be lovely and they can be relentless. Dealing with that takes a lot of energy because it is very hard to get a break, especially when you are doing it on your own. So I am glad you are feeling on more of an even keel just now.

Sometimes I still feel the loss as keenly, for unbearable moments. But fortunately I have a lot of other things going on in my life as well (some good, some bad!) and that is a distraction.

If you want to email me please do! (not sure how email addresses get exchanged confidentially on here) Where in the country are you?

Hello All:

I was beginning to think I was alone in feeling the way I do..... I'm glad I'm not alone.

I'm PipsG on MW.

hi mff - i've sent you a private message via MN - look at the top of the page where it says logout there is also "inbox" with an envelope symbol next to it. mssg me back if you get it and we can take it from there - haven't used it before! I'm in London btw, you?

Lemonylemon - you're not alone, and I'm glad to find others in the same boat. Some days I am still so sensitive and raw about being a widow. When some idiotic friend sends out a big update email to everyone in her address book going on about her brilliant perfect life, with her lovely husband and children and life plans yadda yadda, I feel very sad and low and crap and jealous [shame] and resentful.

And other days I am just enjoying, really actively enjoying, my life in a way I didn't think would be possible months ago. I do loads of things, I have a good life. I still think I am lucky and better off than many many people in this country. Confusing in a way - allowing yourself to enjoy life whilst still seeing that big gaping hole next to you.

that should have been !

I'm another one who's in London too.

Belle I know what you mean about feeling jealous. I feel the same way sometimes.

It would be nice to have people posting on this thread regularly as it makes me feel a bit more, ahem, "normal"

A good weekend to all.....

Lemony - have sent you a message via MN private messaging too.

I am new to MN and to widowhood as my husband died in May this year. I have two sons aged 13 and 4 years. Please can someone fill me in on what the abbreviations mean and what are WAY, SWANS etc?