right, i am utterly utterly at a loss, i am desperate for advice/reassurance and ideas on what to do with ds.

[tightwad]

He is 7 in a few weeks.

Always had what i would describe as behaviour issues with him frombeing very small. he is hard hard work.

he has calmed down considerably over the last 6 months at home and is much easier.
BUT school are calling me in almost daily because of his disobediance, rudeness and attitude, innability to follow instructions and describing his behaviour as "appauling".

I have taken things off him, talked gently to him, asked him why, got cross, explained the importance of doing as he is asked, told him consequences to bad behaviour ALWAYS follow this through....

but still he is awful.

I am so torn between letting school deal with it, and feel so guilty for in effect punishing him twice...i wouldnt expect school to punish him for some thing he has done at home, so vice versa.
Yet i feel that he needs to know that there are consequences for bad behaviour when he is away from us.

oh im rambling, im so annoyed and frustrated and fed up with it all.

sent him to his room while i think about what to do after another "word in my ear" from teacher.

please help me.

What are the school putting in place?

You can support what the school do but you cannot change what they do / how he responds to that.

Maybe a 3 way meeting with the teachers / you / your DS?

Are there any hobbies he has? Could he do something that really captures his mind?

Is there an older child at school / out of school who could be a 'buddy/mentor' to him? What do you think is the reason for his poor behaviour?

What are his friends like at school? Is he coping academically?

Harimo's idea of a 3-way meeting sounds good.

I would consider some kind of report type document for the teacher to sign each day to tell you exactly what has happened at school. As soon as you get home, read through and discuss with him. Don't punish for what happens in school unless you really have to, but to know that you and his teachers are singing from the same song sheet is very important.
A progress chart might help, combining the results of his report card and behaviour at home. Make sure you promote and praise good behaviour more strongly than you do with punishments.

they have a traffic light punishment system and a ladder reward system in place.

I have absolutley no idea why he is bieng like this at school, as i say he is doing great at home.

Its within class time, he is disruptive and disobedient so not sure they can buddy him during lessons.
It does extend to play and luch times as well at times.

He is "avrage" they tell me, and he doesnt have any firm friends at school, he says he hates school.
doesnt get invited to parties or anything like that, i suspect because he ruins things for the other kids, so he isnt well liked. dunno.

so would you advise that i leave it with the punishment...he is in his room and i want to bring him down for some tea in a bit but am very annoyed with him...need a bit of distance while i get my head together.

Does he find the lessons interesting enough? Does the teacher make an effort to engage with him and take his learning style into account? What are the other children in his class like? Could you befriend a mother of a boy that he might get on with and arrange some playdates? Maybe he's just a little sad and lonely, but I suspect poor teaching could be an issue if it's only at school.

I would have a frank and honest chat. Let him know that you speak to his teacher daily (and make sure you do) so he knows that whatever happens in school you'll know about. Explain to him that you think he is being brilliant at home, you are so pleased with him and if he can think of why it is different at school it would make him much happier, because you can help him.
I wouldn't punish him unless it is for a specific event that you can talk about in concrete terms.
Make sure he knows that you love him and like him, and give him the opportunity to make suggestions as to what would make him happier. Maybe do this somewhere like at a cafe, as a bit of a treat/change of scene.

tbh in a class of 34 kids, she isnt going to take his learning needs into consideration.
teacher says he he isnt interested in the lesson then thats where it all goes wrong, he only does what he wants to do.

Thanks for the tip about another mum, i have done this and i really think it helps, glad i am doing the right thing with his social life side of things.

Does he have any extra curricular eactivies? is there anything he really loves?

IMHO, I would consider removing him and finding a school or education that suits him.

I HATED my school. HATED it. my mum still gets upset that I still get wound up with how much I hated it there, as it was (and is) a good school. And it was. I wasn't bullied, I got a good education. But I HATED being there.

Yet, I LOVED university.

I don't know whether any of that is relevant / suitable for your DS, but I remember quite clearly crying pretty much every morning going into primary school. I absolutely HATED it.

i will be totally honest,
i feel embarrased and humilated by him.

i feel ashamed that my child is that kid that everyone finds irritating.

I feel like i want to run away because i cant cope with every phase that he goes through. It has been a battle from the very start. some times i have felt desperate.

he is my darling, he is my heart and soul and i waited for years for him to come. But he is SO unlike me or dh, its like we have been given the wrong child.

today is the end of a few very hard weeks of being told about him bieng this that and the other. today i feel desperate

I agree with Harimo. Although I went to far too many schools (family circumstances) there was a massive difference between them, some I hated, some I loved.
Teaching a class of 34 but all children's needs must be considered. The teacher will find that it helps her out if she makes sure she does this.
Could you find out week by week what work he will be doing and make suggestions as to how it could be made more interesting to him perhaps? Pain in the backside for both of you, but just a thought.
I think you, he and the teacher need to find out what he really loves and make a big deal out of doing it, so he learns to love school.

Has he been checked for ADHD?

no, but i asked after my family were telling me he had soemthing wrong with him, "not all there"

teacher said that she disagreed and that had she suspected anything like that she would have reffered him.

I really do feel for you, I was in a similar situation with DD just over a couple of years ago. I used to dread going to pick her up from school as there would always have been an incident every day. She was on the SEN register for behaviour so was being monitered. Her teachers did suggest to me that they would deal with her behaviour in school and that it wasn't fair to punish her again. I would still talk to her though and say how unhappy I was with her behaviour partly so she would know that it was unacceptable and partly so that she would know that I knew everything that went on at school What I ended up doing was trying to put her in social situations outside school so that she could get used to being with other children. She did used to get bored so I think that was the crux of the problem.
Two years ago I decided to change her school, she thought that I was the wicked witch of the west for a while but now she is a totally different child. (fingers crossed that I am not tempting fate here) but she very rarely gets into trouble now at school and has just been taken off the SEN register. Although at present she is a total nightmare with me but I can cope with that.

I hope you can sort it and am not sure that what I have written will help but I suppose I am saying that it may be hard at the moment but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd have a chat with your GP, his behaviour sounds similar to ADHD.

Is there a SENCO at the school you can talk to rather then the class teacher?

but that wouldn't explain why the DS's behaviour is so much better at home...

I'd say, if there was a straw poll, my parents would say I was an angel as a child (I was peace itself at home) but my teachers would probably have described me as challenging on any official documents. PITA on unofficial ones

I did give them hell!!

This can be perfectly normal, it depends on where he feels secure. Children very often behave alot better in one place then another.

The school need to try to tackle just one of the behaviour problems, the one which causes the most problems as it'll be too difficult to try and angelfy your child. Does he have a sticker chart? (basic but does the trick)

By the way, you are a good parent. Bad parents don't ask these questions because they don't acre.

Maybe I have / had ADHD.

It would explain an awful lot to be honest

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention-deficit_hyperactivity_disorder There are better sites then this but this will give you the general idea.

sorry, care, not acre!

Don't be sad about it, it's better to find out so you can understand and support him. This isn't because you are a bad parent because you know that this just isn't true. It can be really difficult to get people to listen.
Can you keep a diary of what the school are telling you/will they give you a day by day report? Then you can take it to the GP.

actually that is a cracking idea, a diary sounds like the way to go

Ideally, they should be documenting everything aswell. Is there a SENCO at the school? I would make an appointment to see them as they are often very helpful.