right, i am utterly utterly at a loss, i am desperate for advice/reassurance and ideas on what to do with ds.

[tightwad]

He is 7 in a few weeks.

Always had what i would describe as behaviour issues with him frombeing very small. he is hard hard work.

he has calmed down considerably over the last 6 months at home and is much easier.
BUT school are calling me in almost daily because of his disobediance, rudeness and attitude, innability to follow instructions and describing his behaviour as "appauling".

I have taken things off him, talked gently to him, asked him why, got cross, explained the importance of doing as he is asked, told him consequences to bad behaviour ALWAYS follow this through....

but still he is awful.

I am so torn between letting school deal with it, and feel so guilty for in effect punishing him twice...i wouldnt expect school to punish him for some thing he has done at home, so vice versa.
Yet i feel that he needs to know that there are consequences for bad behaviour when he is away from us.

oh im rambling, im so annoyed and frustrated and fed up with it all.

sent him to his room while i think about what to do after another "word in my ear" from teacher.

please help me.

It might help (or it might not) to ask to view your boy in class to see if you can pinpoint what is going wrong. After all, you know him better than his teacher. You might be able to give them some suggestions based on that.

A bit of a leftfield idea here, but perhaps keep a food diary as well as a behaviour one. In children food can have remarkable effects on behaviour if there is an intolerance. Obviously, this can be exacerbated by other factors such as feeling secure, etc. Is his literacy ok?

Tightwad

I think you should have another talk to your SENco or maybe GP if they are more sympathetic. You could also self-refer to Children and Adolescents Mental Health Service (CAHMS) for some advice and to rule out obvious things like Aspergers - look at the national autistic society website - it possible for children to behave well at home and struggle at school or vice versa.
autism.org.uk

I would definitely not punish him at home for stuff that happens elsewhere. whatever his problems he needs somewhere safe where he can feel loved and accepted.

I think you are doing a great job but don't give up looking for answers

I wouldn't punish him again at home, but I would've thought it would be all right to tell him how disappointed you are that he's behaving badly at school, and that they don't get to see how lovely he is.

Or possibly give him a sticker at home if the teacher says he has been good, and after a week he can have a small treat.

Does he do any out of school sport? Football teams start up at about 7. They're run mainly by dads, and I've seen groups of dads be very gentle and understanding with disruptive children.

Maybe somewhere to let out his energy/anger might help a bit.