Why is this getting me so down?

[Donbean]

I know that you will all say that its normal behaviour etc etc but it so gets me down.
Ds aged 2, i feel like he is just so naughty.
I cant get a break from him, i feel like im constantly on the brink of smacking him, like his behaviour is so extreme and much much worse than any one elses kids.

What kind of things does he do Donbean?

Hitting other children, this is getting better as he now stops just on the brink of hitting and says "ah" and strokes them more than he hits them. Thats a small breakthrough.
He doesnt go to nusery or any thing so i dont know where he has got this from.

He throws stuff, what ever he can find and just throws it. Some times in frustration, mostly just for the hell of it.

He is SO distructive, hammering, bashing stuff, jumping on stuff.

He has started to tip his full plate on the floor, then pour his drink out over it...while looking directly at me.

Tantrums galore if he cant have what he wants.

He escapes from me, i have to watch him constantly. He can get out of his car seat, shopping trollies, his pushchair no problem at all.

He is JUST a willful, bright curious intrepid explorer who is pushing the boundries and my buttons as far as he can.

For all of the above i have a plan of action which with consistent consistency will eventually work BUT i am feeling so depressed about him. I wont go any where with him because i get so stressed.
IM FED UP, totally and utterely fed up.
Im thinking that i dont ever want any more children because i cant cope.

He sounds a bit of a pickle!

Some boys are just like this. I'd say you need to find some outlets for his energy. Little boys need to be exercised like dogs. Do you get out and about? I would get him into the park, running, jumping and climbing, chucking balls if he's so keen on throwing. You need wide open spaces!

You're right about a consistent approach and it sounds as though it's working with the hitting. He's just testing the boundaries - it's tiresome but you have to stick to your guns and ride it out at this age. It sounds as though you need to think about how you can get a break from him - are you a SAHM? Do you have a partner/ family around to give you some time off?

I work part time, but that isnt time off IMO as im worrying how he is behaving for the MIL (she has him one afternoon per week)
I dont have any one who can take him off me, they all have thier own kids/troubles and no one ever volunteers. I really would not wish him on any one at the mo.
I agree about the burning off energy thing and i get out with him most days although always to child friendly places, soft play etc.
I have Dh who is fantastic with ds but he is busy with one thing or another. I feel like he takes him for me but then i always end up with him a short time after.

How is he with the MIL?

She says "perfect" BUT i suspect that is a lie!!!!LOL!
I supose my question really is how do i not focus so accutely on this problem?
Do you have any of this age puddle, or have you been through it, if so how did you cope?

Message withdrawn

Yes funnily enough ive just been doing that to him.
I am now ignoring bad behaviour and putting him on the naughty step if it continues because i feel it better to say nothing and keep a lid on it as i just want to explode if i start yelling at him.
The light at the end of the tunnel is play group which starts in September, 2 mornings a week. This will be the first time we have been apart from each other other than work.
CANT BLOODY WAIT i tell you!

I've got 2 donbean, ds is 5.5 and dd is nearly 3. DD has been through the tantrums and is just coming out of it, she's learning to talk more about her feelings and what she needs and wants. If you can encourage him to do that, it helps. Clear boundaries, saying yes as much as possible and really meaning it when you say no.

I think like I said you ride it out. One of the best things about having a second child is you know from experience is that things are just a phase, everything changes and in a few months you won't remember the bad behaviour, you'll have got through it and it'll be something else that's worrying you.

Start every day as a new day and try and focus on the positive in your bright, active, inquisitive little boy.

In the meantime if you feel things are getting on top of you then you must, must get some support, either a morning to yourself from your partner, or get the MIL to do a bit extra if he's perfect for her!

firstly he will not be worse than other boys his age. You are just tired and things feel worse!! Are your friends kids boys or girls? When my first one was little all my friends had girls and I thought he was so naughty at times, then I met up with people with other boysand guess what...he was normal!!!
Just walk away from him when you feel bad, as long as he is safe in the room he is in, its ok.
Walk around the garden. shut the kitchen door and have a cuppa!!!

Sorry, haven't read the whole post, but it sounds like you should be consistently and immediatley putting him on the naughty step, each and every time he misbehaves. I know it is hard, but I think that it's the only way. HTH.

I would pick one thing you want to tackle and clamp down on that. otherwise you will both be miserable if you pick up on everything at once!

Try some of the advice on here - he is a psychologist and very good at what he does (despite having a tv show!)

We were sceptical at first, but have implimented these techniques consistently and they REALLY WORK . Ds is 2.3yo and very well behaved. Of course he pushes the boundaries, but knows where the boundaries are and knows that if he goes beyond them that nothing good happens. He gets a lot of attention for good behaviour, and bad behaviour is ignored (time out/naughty step). First tantrum lasted 2 and a half hours. Hardly ever has a tantrum (maybe once a month or so) - lasts between 20 seconds and two minutes maximum. Disciplining is pretty much stressfree, because he knows that there are consequences to his actions.

Also, we let him chose SOME things. Eg, it is bed time, which book would you like to read? He does not want to go to bed, but that is not a choice for him to make, but letting him choose which book to read gives him a sense of power over what happens to him. Or if he does not want to do something he can have a choice. So if he does not want to get dressed, he can have the option of, say getting dressed or going back to bed (NO!!!). So he ends up saying "want to get dressed please" whereas a few minutes earlier he was saying no he did not want to. But if you give an option like this and he does not cooperate then you have to follow through (and put him back in bed). My DS knows that I am very serious about consequences of his choices and he (generally) chooses very wisely. Of course he gets lots of encouragement and affection when he is well behaved - which is generally most of the time.

Good luck

I saw a programme on NZ Tv with a family therapist - she had something called

ask, tell, act.

Basically:

"Please don't throw those block"
son throws blocks

"Stop throwing the blocks now"
son throws blocks

Mum grabs child and escorts to spare bedroom. Asks after a minute or so whether child is ready to come back and not throw blocks.

Her take was that you have to immediately move from one stage to the next the whole thing was less than a minute. Ignoring just wasn't working for this family - but this did.

The daughter was initially pulled up on just about everything, but soon learnt some parameters.

And the family seemed much calmer - because they had a "what happens next" scenario in their minds - they knew they could always go to the spare room.

OH THANK GOD!!!

Donbean, I was about to start my own thread about my DS behaviour but having read your's I feel our DS's must have been separated at birth.

DS is 19 months and answers no to everything. He is so naughty, very aggressive and the tantrums have started good and proper.

This morning he woke and had a full on wobbily just trying to change his nappy.

He was refusing to get in his highchair which I started a thread on, but now he's refusing to do anything Mummy or Daddy want him do.

Like you DS escapes from me and even when I've said "well, I'm going this way - BYE" he just looks and carries on the way he wants to go.

I too am getting quite down about this. He was a really good baby and has a good routine so I don't know what to do.

DH are trying for another one but when it didn't happen this month I was just so thankful which sounds terrible I know, but now I'm wondering if I can cope with another one.

I'm with you Donbean.

Thanks all for your replies.
It does make me feel SO much better knowing im not the only one with this problem Wellsie.
I am consistant and i am immediate in my punishment of him ie naughty step. He goes to it and stays put on it.
bobbybob, the trouble with that scenario is that it is the "pink elephant" syndrome. If i tell you not to think about a pink elephant then you think about a pink elephant dont you...."dont throw the blocks" my son just hears "throw the blocks"!!!!!
Today i got out on my own for the day, which was great and i feel much better.
It is so very hard, i dont want any more children...EVER!
Im told that in another 6 months he will be a different child entirely, until then, ride the storm.

I don't think the idea is that he stops throwing the blocks when you ask initially - I think the idea is that because it was the last thing you said before he immediately went into the spare room he is accutely aware of what he has to do to avoid going. It took this family a whole month.

I personally agree about the pink elephant, and so I would say "keep your blocks in your hands".

i see, you advise to keep chipping at the block.
I appreciate that there is no magic or over night cure for this.
Im very glad of your advice and support in this bobbybob, thanks.
Were your children doing the same sort of things?

Donbean, DS does exactly the same and throws the block, will try bobbybob's method of "keep block in your hand"

Unfortunately I fear that I may have a lot longer than 6months before DS starts to become socially acceptable as he's only 19mths. Think I may become a regular on Mumsnet once again.

Wellsie, what sort of things is your ds doing if you dont mind me asking?
Also, how do you keep it together and have you ever lost it?

Yes I have lost it

DS is very aggressive. He is currently into biting and pinching and he really means it when he's doing it. I know it's frustration because I can see it in his face.

He is refusing to get in the highchair, the car seat and the buggy, although today I had success and basically I didn't give in. It was the battle of the wills and by tea time he happily sat in the highchair

He throws awful tantrums, screams, hits out at us, the dog (poor dog) and head butts the floor and these tantrums can be over the smallest thing.

Things he used to enjoy like a bath is now dreaded because you don't know if he's going to kick off or not.

I guess he is no longer predictable and that is hard to manage. He is also naughty and currently enjoys climbing on anything that is high and dangerous. It doesn't matter how often you tell him "No" he just grins and will carry on once your back is turned.

Everyone in my family thinks DS is such a good little boy but they haven't seen him for 3weeks and in that very short period of time he has had a personality bypass. I think the grandparents are going to get a shock when they see the horns sticking out of the top of his head!!

Oh and he uses his head to push other children out of the way. Is this something anyone else has come across??

He sounds identical to my ds!

We sat and watched supernanny last night and i ended up in tears because i can see that as my future.
We had a chat and decided on a plan. We are very good as a united force dh and i.
We decided to stop shouting, to bring the temperature down a few degrees and calm things down ALLOT.
Today i feel calmer and have not shouted at him at all, neither has dh.
We went to soft play and he was a monster, throwing handfulls of crayons across the hall, hitting other kids that challenge him for a toy etc.
I made him pick each crayon up, which he did willingly, kiss a little girl better, he made her cry and WILL NOT say sorry.
Then finally he was so aggressive towards my neice that i sat him on a little chair facing the wall for about 1 min as time out to calm down.
These all worked without me raising my voice at all.
Supernanny is so good because of the good ideas she has, calm, collected and together...easy!
I will see how i go on.
How do you keep it together Wellsie?

Donbean we are obviously leading parallel lives as DH and I watched Super Nanny last night and had the same conversation (wasn't that little girl just awful )

We've decided to try not shouting and to stop using negative words like "No" and "Don't" but it's harder than you can imagine as I think thats about all I've said to him recently

Today we had his 2 little friends over who are girls and he tried to bite the top of one of their head and then a bit later he tried to push the other one down the slide before she was ready. I keep telling myself it's a phase but there is a part of me that thinks that he's going to grow up to be a right little thug and I'll be visiting him in prison!!

How do I keep it together? I don't know. Some days are better than others but the way I cope is to break the day down into hours (I had PND, so this was some advice I got) basically you say to your self "OK, When he wakes from his nap we'll go to the park that will take 1hour, then we'll come back and read a story that's 30mins, then it's tea and that's 45mins and then it's bathtime and that takes 45mins, then story and then bed - yippeeeeeee!" Obviously that's a nice day but there are somedays when you can't do all that stuff but I use the same principle. Also there will be tantrums in between all that but just keep focusing on your plan action and you'll make it through another day

DS is currently very clingy, DH always does the bathtime/bedtime bit but this last week DS has not wanted to go with him but tonight we've stuck to our guns and even though he did cry for mummy it wasn't for very long, although I am half expecting him to wake in the night crying for me - has this happened to you?

Yes, funnily enough he has become very clingy the last 2/3 weeks just wanting me and asking where i am when i leave the room.
This is unusual behaviour as never before has he been in the slightest bit interested where i am!
As i said, today i have not yelled at him and have found that this has allowed room for distraction.
Because i jump staight in with shouting, i am not allowing myself time to think, to give warnings nor be precise in my language towards him.
For example, just got him out of the bath and he still had his toothbrush in his mouth, he took it out and threw it in my face, i didnt say any thing carried on drying him. He got hold of it again and did the same thing so i lifted him up, looked him in the eye and said very clearly, "If you throw it at me again, i will take it off you". Then carried on, i distracted him with talk about his nice drink of milk he was going to have.
Normally i would be very loud and shout at him to stop throwing things.
Trouble is, he is starting to shout at me and other people and i really dont like this.

What a superb way of getting through things Wellsie, break the day up into hourly segments, what a brill piece of advice, i shall do this, i kind of do it any way, clock watching for the next thing...bath, bed etc.
In one way i feel lucky to have such brilliant friends around me who have children and who understand and sympathise with me, the majority of which will not think of him as a monster, but at the same time its a nightmare for me as i constantly compare ds to thier children.
Do you have lots of friends to support you, also do you get any time off from your children?

BTW, about visiting him in prison, i tell people that we are awaiting visiting orders and we call him "ASBO BOY"!!!!!