I thought I was good at this, but now I think I've my best parenting days are behind me!

[aegeansky]

I dearly love my 7 yo DS, but I am suddenly feeling de-skilled.

I do most of the childcare and have had great feedback for years, which has helped me get through the tough bits. But recently I've lost my apparently exemplary patience and I just feel like a shit parent. It is causing me all sorts of problems.

DS has a huge amount of energy, and boundless enthusiasm for interaction. I feel incapable of holding a conversation with DW because he constantly interjects in the middle. Sometimes I have to repeat the start of the sentence 4 times before I can finish.

And the dynamics of our little family are doing my head in. It just doesn't seem right when the 3 of us are together at mealtimes. I feel I'm either unwittingly competing with my son for DW's attention, or competing with DW to see who can interact best with DS. Conversations are fractured and frustrating for me. DS won't tell me school news if I collect him as he has realised he will have to repeat it (in great detail) when mummy gets home. I'm running out of ways to show an interest in his life and stay relevant to him. Nobody would guess this, I imagine, looking at the situation, but it feels alienating, insecure, and untenable. I row constantly with DW about being too stern to DS, when just months ago this never happened. And I criticise her for babying him and having low behavioural expectations for his age.

Rant over. Any help, PLEASE!!

Well, at 7 he is old enough to be told not to interrupt imo and ignored if he does.

Other than that, dont compete with him, or your wife. Dont worry about him not telling you about his day, most kids say 'nothing' or that it was 'fine'.

Sounds normal.

I am sure you are still a great parent. Perhaps it is just your self perception that has changed...and that can be affected by all manner of things, of course.

When you say you used to receive great feedback, who was that from? And why has it stopped?

You are very lucky if you get anything about school! I agree that he is old enough not to interrupt. Explain that you have to wait until someone finishes their conversation before you butt in.(you have to follow the same rule). I think that you ought to sit down and talk to DW about it and have a joint strategy. DS is old enough to talk to about things. I would get him to write out a list of things he would like to do and try to do some of them.Try and have a hobby together. I have 3 DSs and wearing them out physically is a good strategy.

I think a family of three can suffer from this quite a lot. I know dh, ds (5,5yrs old) and I do a bit but it tends to be me who feels like this rather than dh as much.

7 years old is quite a transitional age though. Traditionally and historically it has been called the age of reason. Maybe you are feeling that he should be more grown-uo than he is and uour wife maybe feels he is less grown-up than he is.

Have you and your wifr tried really talking about this and what your expectations of a typical 7 year old should be and then seeing where your differences lies.

Once you can see what each of you expect then maybe you can find a middle ground and ensure that you set appropriate expectations o your son (( assuming your ds has no special needs that is)

Do you think our wife is worrying about your ds growing up (and maybe moving away form her a bit), it is around this age that a lot of biys make the move away from their mum a bit and they start to identify much more with their dad.

Maybe you and your ds need to find something you can "do" together where you might find your ds communicates with you more. Most children don't want to "talk about their day" over the dinner table much even 7 years olds

Well, what I left out is that I do have very good ways of hanging out with DS, when given the opportunity. But what normally happens is that I deliberately go into the background in the morning to give DW a chance for a catch up. That was fantastic, but she completely monopolises him whenever we're together now.

And at mealtimes, DS only wants to talk about a set subject, which he introduces. DW tends to give in, so he tunes out of any other conversation. I think we need to sort this soon, or we'll have years of it!

Oh, the feedback was from DW. I think it's stopped because I am more stressed out and impatient now

I don't know much (anything) about parenting a 7 yr old because DS is only 2. But I feel very strongly that the best partnerships can suffer from parenting - because there's not so much time to talk, everyone's exhausted, and it isn't so easy to be equal any more, especially if one person is doing most of the childcare and the other is doing most of the money earning. Plus the tendency to be a bit competitive can affect the best of us. Never anyone's "fault" but it is tough. Everyone knows this about newborns but I don't actually think it magically gets easier.

If I were you, I would try to talk to your DW, and see how she feels. She might be sad that her little boy is growing up so fast and may feel that she is missing some of it by working (I work too and my DH does at least 50% of childcare). I should think something else other than you being impatient/stressed out is triggering her behaviour, but it's a vicious circle, because it's making you feel inadequate. Buy a bottle of wine and cook her dinner and find out how she is feeling, so she can find out how you are feeling.

It may be different with one child (I have 4) but I wouldn't expect to have any kind of adult conversation when there's a 7 yo at the table.
Would it work to let him lead the conversation at when he's there are save your other chat for once he's in bed - are you and your DW both at home together in the evenings.
My DCs tend to talk mostly about school and their other activities with each other and me so I think its natural that your DS wants to choose the topic of conversation. IME you will have time in the future to talk to each other when he becomes monosyllabic in a few years time.

suitejudy, we won't be together in a few years' time if we don't talk. It's already very strained.

I do find the times when we are all together the most stressful, when it 'should' be just the opposite, surely. It's really worrying me.

I think times spent together as a family can often be much more strassful than time alone with our children. This is because if you are the only adult you make the decisions and don't have to take into account any other adults present.

The more I hear te more I think this is about the relationship between you and your wife. Do you have timne for the two of you to talk without ds there?

I think that you have a triangle of three and everyone is trying to get the attention as a two. There is too much competition for attention. I think that you need to sort things with DW if you want it to improve.

Pisces, yes, that's right. But I have no idea. In the meantime, clumsy behaviour management of DS isn't going to help at all as it makes me sad and brings down heavy criticism from DW. I don't think DW and I can get our relationship better until we sort out how we deal with (constantly changing) DS. We haven't had any issues with the upbringing of our child to date so I suppose it is about time.

My parents had friends like that with one DD and the wife and daughter were competing for the attention of the husband/father. I think that you have the same with a DS and you are both competing for the attention of DW. Unfortunately I don't have the answer-really DW has to be the one to accept there is a problem and change her ways-getting her to see it is the difficult part.

OP there must only be an hour or so that you are all together in the evening if he has a sensible bed time. Could you just sit back and give your attention to son and then pay attention to each other once he's in bed? That would be the lazy but peace keeping option.

Alternatively rules need to be set about talking at the table, interupting etc and these need to be presented to your DS in a way that he can understand and where he knows what rewards or punishments he will get in return. But you and DW have to be on the same page which I sens eis where the difficulty will be..

I think 7 - 9 is a very hard age as they arent a baby but not yet grown up enough to behave like an adult. Its a real test the waters atge and you need to make it clear what your expectations are... together.

Maybe sit down together and tell each other what things are petty grips that you could relax on and which things are non negotiables... I think its fair that you respect each others non negotiables but agree to 'pick your battles' and relax on the other things..?

Oh dear, I'm sorry its got so bad.
I wonder if you could maybe both lower your expectations of what's normal and go with the flow while DS is awake.
Foureleven makes a good point - what time does your DS come home/do you eat/does he go to bed ?

Someone once told me not to ask the children about school but to tell them about my day.

They volunteer stuff about school now. Mostly DS who is 7. Perhaps he has learnt by example or perhaps he's just a chatterbox.

Either way, they already know way more about what my job in the office is about than I knew about what my Dad did in his office when I was three times their age.

HTH

Keep sitting to the dinner table and keep listening to each other talk, make this the rule that yu need to both listen to the other one talking and that may help.

Is part of the equation that you're not needed as much anymore and feel a little lost with the situation?

Does this mean that there might be opportunity for you to have a chance to do you things as an adult rather than everything being child focused?

Many of us put our children on pedestals and they can easily become the entire focus of our lives at the expense of our own hobbies and interests. I may well be projecting my own feelings onto this, its just a thought because unless you're happy with yourself its hard for others to be happy with you.

suitejudy,

usually I pick DS up from childminder, anytime between 5.15 to 6. Then he has a snack and plots how to be up when mummy gets home, which can be anything up to 3 hours later, but usually 2 hours later. Then she completely takes over (naturally enough).

About twice a week I manage to get him to sleep on my own, but that's only when she's late back.

Oh, and DW has poorly parents, too, who are next priority on the phone when DS has gone to sleep. I think we have about 15 minutes of real conversation a day.

this will probably sound really odd, but this is probably a reversal of a very familiar (if old school) problem that women dealt with for years.

ant, you have something there. Having done so much of the childcare (and actually, I continue to do so) I don't have any time whatever during the week to pursue any interests of my own. This is just a statement of fact. At the weekend, I'm often in the same position as I'm expected to still be playing the 'nuclear family' game, even though that's clearly a myth with a singleton in particular.

It's ridiculous. It would actually be healtheir if DS had some time with dad at the weekend and some time with mum, separately, at the weekend, but I can just see where that could so easily end.

HI again

You say "I don't think DW and I can get our relationship better until we sort out how we deal with (constantly changing) DS. We haven't had any issues with the upbringing of our child to date so I suppose it is about time."

• but perhaps it is the other way round? If you have not had issues over parenting before then it seems a bit strange that you would now - seems to me that you need to force yourselves to spend time with each other once DS is in bed - and really talk - like you said yourself too - rather than competing for attention when it's the 3 of you. I think, fix the relationship, and the sniping over parenting might fix itself.

Hi aegeansky dont beat yourself up. You are a great father. You sound very caring.

Its important that your son sees you and mummy in unity when you say things. If you need to say anything private ensure you say it alone so you will not be interupted.

If you need to discuss your son talk together then present it before him AFTER you have both spoken to each other.

Yes children do change believe me, I have four. Pehaps look at ways in which you can get your son to open up a bit more. We have family meetings sometimes. We have not had one in ages where we can talk to the children and find out various things.

Continue to love your son as I know you do.

I hope you enjoyed Fathers Day today!!!

I can see it from a different side

my dd is 7 and I feel absolutely worn out with her and dh constantly vying for my attention

I feel pulled lots of ways, don't have any answers though

it's probably how alot of women feel

I agree with whoever said 7 - 9 is a difficult time, dd is like a whirlwind atm