I thought I was good at this, but now I think I've my best parenting days are behind me!

[aegeansky]

I dearly love my 7 yo DS, but I am suddenly feeling de-skilled.

I do most of the childcare and have had great feedback for years, which has helped me get through the tough bits. But recently I've lost my apparently exemplary patience and I just feel like a shit parent. It is causing me all sorts of problems.

DS has a huge amount of energy, and boundless enthusiasm for interaction. I feel incapable of holding a conversation with DW because he constantly interjects in the middle. Sometimes I have to repeat the start of the sentence 4 times before I can finish.

And the dynamics of our little family are doing my head in. It just doesn't seem right when the 3 of us are together at mealtimes. I feel I'm either unwittingly competing with my son for DW's attention, or competing with DW to see who can interact best with DS. Conversations are fractured and frustrating for me. DS won't tell me school news if I collect him as he has realised he will have to repeat it (in great detail) when mummy gets home. I'm running out of ways to show an interest in his life and stay relevant to him. Nobody would guess this, I imagine, looking at the situation, but it feels alienating, insecure, and untenable. I row constantly with DW about being too stern to DS, when just months ago this never happened. And I criticise her for babying him and having low behavioural expectations for his age.

Rant over. Any help, PLEASE!!

Are there any Saturday morning clubs nearby - maybe at the leisure center. Things like swimming, football, rugby, gymnastics?

Beavers is another regular alternative that a lively 7 year old may well enjoy but round here tends to be a weeknight.

An hour or two of lively entertainment which could buy you a little time to sneak a swim of your own, have a quiet coffee or bury your head in the papers.

Maybe you and your DW could alternate drop off. Take turns and then on the third week spend the time together?

My dad used to take me and my sister swimming at about that age. Afterwards we'd sit on the grassy bank outside the pool and have a drink and a snack. I've only just realised he didn't just take me swimming, he found entertainment for me whilst he met friends for squash.

aegeansky - those timings for your evening certainly don't give much time for your wife to see your son so I can see why he wants to wait up to tell her stuff.
Are you able to have set days when he waits up for mum and then other days when you put him to bed and you and your wife get at least some time together?
I also think its normal for there to be conflict between the parent who does most of the childcare and the one who isn't there as much.
Its likely that you know your son better than your wive and maybe that's another reason for conflict.
I'm sorry that this isn't much practical help, I hope you can keep on communicating even if its just before you go to sleep and after you wake up.

mum2bless, thank you, very interesting comment.
that used to work but now DW gives me dirty looks or -ve body language when I am behaviour managing DS and that distracts me. It's too often shifting towards good cop/bad cop now.

she either turns a blind eye to the most difficult behaviour management situations or approaches them with far lower expectations. I am totally with her as she spends her life heartbroken at being at work too much.

sounds like she treasures the little time she gets to be with DS and doesnt want to spend it telling him off.. I know EXACTLY how she feels. But its a cop out Im afriad.. for the good of your son she must discipline him. Sad for you both though, it sounds like a real pickle. You have my admiration for speaking about it/ understanding it all so clearly IYKWIM and Im not being 100% patronising!

It all seems a bit intense. Have you got family, grandparents around to defuse it a bit? If he could have a close relationship with them he could stay overnight and give you some time as a couple. Have his friends around for a meal. The problem appears to be that your wife works long hours and wants to make the most of her time when she does see him and resents the time that she misses. The present way isn't working too well so you need to think,together, of ways to change it.

pisces, no extended family around, sadly. it is very intense and often too inward-looking for my liking

foureleven, thanks makes me feel a bit better

Sounds to me like your relationship is revolving around your DS, yet you were together and presumably in love before he was born, and you should still be together once he has flown the nest.

Your relationship with you wife is where you should put in your work.

Can you get a babysitter arranged for night a week, or even night a month. Buy flowers, put on a nice shirt, take her out somewhere special. Imagine you had just met her and wanted to convince her to spend the rest of her lif with you.

This won't necessarily improve your parenting, but at least you will feel more like a team. And don't use the time together to talk about your DS, the time is for you and your wife.

In a couple of years time he will wnat to be out with his mates, not competing for mummy time.

frenchfancy,DS is our life outside work. And during holidays, I go into overdrive, thinking how to entertain him.

The babysitter, flowers, dinner thing once a month thing sounds lovely, but it's not what DW wants. She wants MORE family time with all three of us. More than half our conversations are about DS or his world.

Actually, we are going on a holiday to a very remote area and I suddenly realise I am dreading it.

I think frenchfancy has hit upon it.

Far from ending up as separate parents by having hobbies and pursuits, you NEED to get out and away from the family for at least three hours a week. This expense should be included in your budget. Sounds to me like you all have a bit of cabin fever.

Take up something that your DS will enjoy to do with you when he's in his teens - that way you get to be the expert and can help him - judo, fly fishing triathlon etc etc when he's older and you two can go off and 'bond', doing something enjoyable and healthy.

From reading your posts I can see you are concerned, but you are still focusing on the family and your DW and your DS ... and not yourself.

And let's face it, we can only change ourselves.

Just a thought..If you are grumpy and anxious, maybe your testosterone is haywire? (DM article today )

I agree with zazen. The key to the problem seems to be DW who doesn't see a problem! You can only change yourself-and zazen's idea is excellent. Some benign neglenct would be good for your DS- but I doubt whether DW will see it that way.

A hobby is a great idea. Or how about going away for a boys weekend. You could sell it as time for your DW to spend with DS, and you could go and wtach some footie/ play golf/ watch birds. Whatever shakes your boat.

Me and DH have a weekend away each year on our own, I go for a girly weekend with my friends, he goes and watches rugby and drinks beer with his. It does us all the power of good, even the children. They need to know that we exist as people in our own rights and not just their parents.

zAZEN, a lot of sense in your post, thanks.

Ironically, I HAD a sport I was very keen on until Ds was bor (trained 4 times a week) and then introduced him to it. He is now really good at it so instead of going on my own, I coach him. But that is not what you mean, I know.

I basically do not, ever, get time on my own.

One parent, has to take the lead organising the child's life at this age, and that's me. I am also the one that handles our social life. If I didn't absolutely nothing would ever happen. We'd cease to make sense as a family unit or as a couple.

zAZEN, a lot of sense in your post, thanks.

Ironically, I HAD a sport I was very keen on until Ds was bor (trained 4 times a week) and then introduced him to it. He is now really good at it so instead of going on my own, I coach him. But that is not what you mean, I know.

I basically do not, ever, get time on my own.

One parent has to take the lead organising the child's life at this age, and that's me. I am also the one that handles our social life. If I didn't absolutely nothing would ever happen. We'd cease to make sense as a family unit or as a couple.

Yes, I hear you, if I didn't do everything, nothing would get done either - and I'm sure that most of the women here are in the same boat - I even buy DH's family their birthday cards etc..

BUT I take time for myself every day to swim in the local pool, at lunchtime when I have childcare, and I took up a course for one hour a week in the local uni last year, so my brain wasn't just on the work / parenting treadmill.

To be blunt, no one likes or respects a whining martyr. They have nothing to offer except guilt, and lashings of it.

YOu do need to get out more!!!!!!

Skim read this so may have already been said re 7 year olds (and yes I have one) They ping pong between being very mature to being very childish IMHO. Ds can go from one extreme to the other in a space of seconds. Re conversation, yeap a bit monomanic at times - one subject and we will do it to death, I think that is just them at this age personnally, and whilst I uderstand your need to change the subject (after twenty minutes of trains I generally feel the same!) I don't think it is a major issue. Dp and I tend to do a lot of eye rolling when this happens which doesn't necessarily stop ds, but he does get the point that he is being a bit, well, boring. The interrupting - again I think it is the age, and whilst we do tell him to wait, and not interrupt, I figure there will come a time when we will be grateful to get a grunt out of him!

Just a thought - you have done most of the childcare, is your wife jealous and has suddenly realised that ds is growing up?? Ds went to my mums for half term and when he came back I had this moment when I saw he was no longer a baby and it was really quite sad.