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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How would you have dealt with this situation?

62 replies

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 19:29

7 year old boy. Very consistant mum, what she says goes. Normal evening routine, he's just had supper, cleared away his plate, and is playing in the sitting room. He is given a ten minute warning before time to get ready for bed.

Then that time comes.

Mum: Ok, can you go and clean your teeth, wash your face and get your PJs on.

DS: No, I want to play for a bit more.

Mum: Go and clean your teeth and get your pyjamas on please.

DS: No, I am going to play for longer.

Mum: Go and clean your teeth and get your pyjamas on now.

DS: If you say that one more time I will loose my temper.

Mum: Go and clean your teeth and get your pyjamas on now.

DS: Don't say that again or I will loose my temper.

Mum: Go and clean your teeth and get your pyjamas on now.

DS: I said, don't say that again or I will really loose my temper.

Mum: Go and clean your teeth and get your pyjamas on NOW. LISTEN TO ME.

DS: NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME, I am warning you, don't say that again or I will loose my temper.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tightwad · 14/06/2010 19:56

you gotta have currency with them, choose it carefully and use it.
leggo
limbs
sweets
it all works for me.

bluecardi · 14/06/2010 19:56

Works with my kids colditz

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 19:56

bluecardi thanks, but those would never work on him, he's seven and very strong willed and stubborn. He has a whole hour to play in his bedroom after he's cleaned his teeth and got his pjs on, he knows this, it happens every day.

Letting him play for longer would have just prolonged his stubborn need to try to be the one in charge.

OP posts:

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 19:57

lol tightwad, I do that when he tries to get out of tidying up, and it works like a charm.

OP posts:

bluecardi · 14/06/2010 20:01

Hope you find a solution - best wishes

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:01

ah I see coditz.

I was stating my case matter of factly, not getting emotionsl, and DS was doing the same, untill the end when he did loose it and raise his voice. We where battling it out, head to head, both of us tihnking we where the ones with the right to be in control.

Gaaah

That is what I got so cross about, inside, was that I felt like he thought he had just as much right as me to be the one in charge, or at least try to be, when sometimes all I want is a bit of old fashioned respect from him, without having to instil fear in him in order to get it!

To be fair, this is not an everyday occurance, he is, on the whole, a compliant child.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 14/06/2010 20:03

Does it really matter if he plays for a bit longer before getting ready for bed and a bit less afterwards? As long as he still has enough sleep before school.
I don't think it challenges who is 'in charge' but if he doesn't usually respond like this then he must have been in the middle of something interesting to challenge you.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/06/2010 20:07

If he usually has another hour to play after he cleans his teeth and gets his pjs on, then I would have said "so you want to carry on playing this game? for how long?" then negotiated a finish time for that game, explaining that the hour of play after teeth brushing and pjs would be shortened accordingly. As long as he gets to bed at the right time, having cleaned his teeth, then I would have been happy. Tis good to compromise when someone is not actually being naughty and has put in a reasonable request, I would have thought.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/06/2010 20:09

I see I x posted with otherside .

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:10

Otherside I guess it matters to me, I want him to do what I say, when I say it, if he says 'no' to an instruction of mine today, and that makes me let him off, then he will try it again tomorrow, or with other thingas, and some things are simply non-negotioabler, as far as I'm concerned, because those instructions are there tokeep him safe, so I need to know he can comply with my instructions without thinking that he can change my mind by simply saying "no" to me.

Had he asked for a bit more time, to finish something, in a polite way, well that would have been different.

Also, it was partly the fact that I needed him to go to bed, so I could have some child-free unwinding time after a busy day at work.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 14/06/2010 20:11

But if you want your child to respect you, surely you have to respect them? Neither of you were listening to each other. Wouldn't it have been easier just to listen to him when he said he wanted to play for longer. Even if you didn't want him to play for longer, just listening can help.

Adair · 14/06/2010 20:11

Hmmm, my instinct says just walk away. If dd does that (and I do appreciate that she is younger) then I just disengage. I would probably do this with the teenagers I teach too tbh. And then re-engage when they come back and talk properly. You can say 'ds I will talk to you when you remember I am your mum and you need some respect'. then yes, by all means talk about what it is they want, and that they will not get it by those means...

The point is you ARE in control because you are the adult. You don't have to shout loudest, you just 'be'.

(disclaimer: the above is what I would ideally do. On a good day. There is every chance in reality I would just yell, 'ENOUGh, go to BED' )

Othersideofthechannel · 14/06/2010 20:12

What I mean is that sometimes by asking 'why?' and listening it ends up that the child does what you want but gets to moan about it at the same time!

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:12

bibbity you are right, it is good to compromise, I should have told him I needed him in his room, all ready for bed, so I could rela, but he could continue playing his game in there and I would move the toys while he cleaned his teeth.

That would have worked, that would have kept both of us happy, and saved a lot of stress on both our parts.

I will remember that next time.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/06/2010 20:14

Omdb - you are going to have to give a little as your child grows up, so why not start practising now? He wasn't being naughty.

If your mother (if she is still with us) rang you tonight at 10.30pm and said "right omdb, time for bed" what would you think?

Somewhere between now and the age of 18 you are not going to be able to control everything your son does.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/06/2010 20:15

Aaaarrrggghhhh am such a slow writer I x posted with you that time!

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:16

I know otherside, I know.

OP posts:

1Littleboy1Bigboy · 14/06/2010 20:18

We do 1-2-3 magic with our sons for the same problems.

www.cyberparent.com/spoiled/123magic.htm

Adair · 14/06/2010 20:19

I know I am coming to this late and maybe missed some... but you DID give him a warning.

Agree that you could have acknowledged when he said he wanted to play a bit more, even 'oh ds, I know but I need to do xyz, so maybe tomorrow. Now go and get pyjamas on'

Sometimes we are the parents and it IS non-negotiable. Yes he is allowed to be cross. That doesn't mean he gets to talk to you like that - I think that IS being naughty. I wouldn't let my 4yo speak to me like that tbh. As I said, disengage from the 'battle' first. Then come back and talk about the emotion bit PROPERLY.

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:19

Oh God bibbity I know that, I do not try to control him, and of course the boundaries change as he gets older, as I said, he is a good kid, we have a mutually respectful relationship, are open and honest with each other, but sometimes I just need him to do what I say and sometimes (like tonight) I know he is being stubborn just for the sake of it, to try to test the boundaries.

Perhaps I should have been all understanding and asked "why", but I just wanted him to go to bed to be honest, I was being selfish I guess.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 14/06/2010 20:20

agree with bibbity and otherside

I wonder why (and this isn't aimed particularly at you OP!) we feel the need to totaly control our children?
to not let them have any opinion or input. to insist that things are done OUR way or they lose toys/days out/other nice stuff?

I dunno, I try and treat ds1 as I would any other person. Unless of course it's things that are non-negotiable (ie school etc!)
why do we not feel that our children should answer us back?

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:22

Thank you Adair.

I know what I should have odne, in an ideal situation, I just wanted some reassurance that I am not the only parent who might have lost it and got cross in this type or situation. I can't be a perfect parent all the time!

OP posts:

DinahRod · 14/06/2010 20:23

Not sure we get it right here but ds, who is 6, gets a 10min countdown, then a 2 min with a reminder to save the game or he'll lose all he's done so far (as 10 mins is hard for him to judge and the reminder to save is a positive)

He also knows that the deal is he gets to play as long as there are no arguments about stopping. If he does whinge or argue he doesn't get to play the next day. No negotiation, it's just the rules of being lucky enough to have these toys.

But the hard part I find is being consistent, you sound much better at it than me!

thisisyesterday · 14/06/2010 20:27

omdb we all lose it at times i think! i don't reckon there are many parents out there who can honestly say that they've never just shouted at their child and got what needs doing done

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 20:27

thisisyesterday I agree with you, I am not a controlling mum, we have a great mutually respectful relationship, he is very independent and I choose my batles wisely, but a few things are non-negotiable, one of them being going to bed at a certain time on a school night and cleaning teeth.

It is the fact that he has so much freedom and choice and independence that makes me cross when he doesn't do one of the few things he knows he has to do (because we have written down those things after discussing them together and agreeing on them). I guess when I am corss and tired I just want him to appreciate how good he has it and do what I ask for the few things I ask!

Ok, thanks for all the help everyone, I do appreciate it, I know I could have handled the situation better thid evening and it was probably my tiredness and stress levels from work that mde me forget how to defuse the situation.

Tomorrow is a new day.

OP posts:

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