Lewislewis, if you can avoid a tantrum by redirecting attention, then that is great. The problem with trying to redirect the toddler's attention when the tantrum is already in full swing, is that they get attention. In their minds tantrum = attention (=reward).
With my DS we do try and avoid the tantrum with distraction. He really does not have tantrums anymore, but I do recall that if he had started with the first signs of the tantrum, we would try and distract him, and he could avoid timeout if he would "give us a big smile". This sometimes resulted in the tantrum being switched off, and a smile (if somewhat false) being produced. If he made the effort to stop the tantrum and smile (even if it was unconvincing), I would praise him and give him attention and the toy or whatever. My view is that it is really hard to pull back from the brink of a meltdown (even as an adult). My MIL thought I was nuts because he did not give me a genuine smile. But to be honest, if I am cross or upset I find it very difficult to change tack. So I was happy that he made the effort. However, if the smile was not followed by other positive behaviour (stopping crying etc) then the treat/toy would not be provided, and if tantrum re-started then timeout would certainly follow.
In my view, I was really impressed with how hard he did try to stop melting down. I think we have to remember that they are still little.
So the short answer is, my technique is definately try and distract BEFORE a tantrum starts. If in early phases, try and get them to stop (my way of doing it was to ask for a big smile) and if they do stop (even if they struggle) then really reward that. If they are fullon into a tantrum, it is a bit more difficult. I didn't really find that any distraction did work at that stage. However, if it did work (provided he stopped the naughty behaviour, gave a smile, and apologised if appropriate) then I'd forego timeout (Because I think rewarding him for getting his emotions under control is more important than punishing the tantrum).
Looking at it from their point of view - If a reward (attention etc) follows bad behaviour, then you are encouraging bad behaviour. If he made an effort to stop the tantrum by smiling etc and a reward followed that - then he knows it is the smile that is being rewarded, not the tantrum
If they show no signs of making an effort and are really just turning up the tantrum to make you give in then I would UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES give them attention/reward.
Kbaby, of course she can calm herself down! She just has no reason to because when she keeps it up she gets whatever she is after. As soon as she has no audience, then the tantrum won't be worth the effort. Beware, though as you have given in in the past, she is likely to up the stakes. She may fall over onto the floor. She may make herself throw up. Some kids wet themselves. Some break things. They just up the stakes until either (1) you give in or (2) you make it clear very consistently that you will not give in. If you are not going to give in then you MUST be consistent for it to work. If you are going to give in anyway, then you might as well do it right away when she starts her fit and save both you and her the bother of the tantrum. She WILL get worse until she figures out that there are new rules. You will probably have to tell her about the new rules every time she throws a tantrum until she gets it. But don't argue or negotiate. You do X, then the consequence is Y - simple as that.
Anyway, I am not sure why you are so concerned about her being upset. She is the one who is making herself upset. She is going to have to learn at some stage that she cannot get everything she wants. That is how the real world works. If you overindulge her now, you are not actually doing her any favours. She will have a false sense of entitlement - a sense that all she has to do is turn on the tantrum and the world will give her whatever she wants. It will be a shock to her when she gests to school and will suddenly have to follow the rules like everyone else. If she has no self discipline at that stage, then it is going to be a million times harder on her. If she can't learn to get over a minor thing like not being able to watch her favourite tv program now, how is she going to cope with having to sit down, be quiet, do her homework, not interupt others, hand her work in on time, come into the classroom from playtime etc etc when she is at school? How will she follow the rules at school if there are no rules at home for her to practice on?
Also, how will you handle it if, at say age 14 she wants to get drunk and sleep over at her boyfriends house? Or do drugs? Surely at some stage there is going to be something at which you will want to draw the line. It is FAR easier if you teach them NOW that they cannot have everything they want. I'm not a killjoy and my DS has a lot of freedom (as appropriate for a 2.3yo) but he knows where the boudaries are. Of course he tries to test them, but we have so much fun because he knows that if he oversteps the mark he has to take the consequences. It is nothing personal, but it is his choice (so I don't feel guilty because he can choose the action, and if he chooses the action then he chooses the consequence, there are no grey areas). He does not throw tantrums because as I've told him "nothing good happens" when he does. So instead he chooses behaviour that does reward him - I make a real fuss everytime he does something good/nice etc, and I make excuses to praise him and focus on his good behaviour.
Funny enough, in the last couple of months, as his language has developed, he often (a few times a day) will (unprompted) say things like "good driving mommy", or "good job daddy", or "great idea nana" or "fantastic dinner mommy". So our encouragement of him is paying off in an unexpected way - in that he is seeing the good in what others do, and he is developing into a person who encourages others (what a pleasure to be on the receiving end of such compliments - although I'm not sure what the one about driving says about my usual driving skills)