Tantrums....please help!!!

[MMG]

My little by is 15months, very active, quite forward and is into everything. generally he is a good and very loving but he has his moments especially if he is tired, teething or wants something i won`t let him have or do. How and what is the best way to deal with it?????

also has tanrums when he wants to get out the highchair, getting cleaned up and nappy changing

:-(

yes i know its a naff american website but it works!

Doesn't some of this stuff depend on the age of the child? kbaby, how old is your dd?

forgot to add focus on what they CAN DO rather than what they can't. so try to say for example 'hold the cup with both hands, that's it - good!' instead of saying 'don't drop your cup' etc. changing the language around can really help and being prepared, giving them lots of time to do things and letting them get involved. get a tripp trapp highchair where they can get up and down themselves and during nappy changes talk him through it - say 'nappy change' in upbeat voice, ask him to find the changing mat and bring it to you , thank him and ask him for a nappy and the wipes, ask him to lie down and smile postiive reinforcement, get him to hold the wipes chat to him during change and say nearly done if getting restless, then say 'all done'. they just want to be involved at this age and you might be surprised how much he understands and wants to copy what your doing

Lewislewis, just did a long post that got swollowed by the internet. Will reply again sometime soon. Baby no2 is due in 3 and a half weeks, and I don't have energy to retype my post right now.

my 15 month boy seems to be having worse tantrums this last week, he is so determined to do what he wants and when i wont let him he has a meltdown, it is far worse when he is tired and at that time he takes ages to calm down, at this age should i just leave him to cry it out as he begs to be picked up and if i comfort him he stops usually straight away, if i have decied he is not doing something or cant have something then that final as i don`t give in and i am trying to be more consistant.

MMG, in my mind 15 months is very young to be doing strong discipline. I went much more for distraction and gentle approaches when my dd was that age. She's 3 now and has never had yet what I would call a major tantrum. Are you sure your little one isn't crying for reasons other than being 'naughty' / testing limits? If he is tired he'll get frustrated more quickly and might need some gentle reassurance and activity like book reading, even a video, something to chill him out. I wouldn't personally push him if he's tired, clingy and needy. Not at his age anyway.

But I'll be accused of being too soft on this thread so far I fear!

I have seen kids of 12 months throwing tantrums, hitting their heads on the floor,etc. Ignore, ignore, ignore, if you pick the kid up and try and reason, or offer cuddles, I think you are making a rod for your own back.

I know I'm in the minority here and am at risk of seeming like a liberal light-weight but I STILL think some of the disciplines mentioned here are too harsh for an under-two-year-old. Christopher Green in Toddler Taming, p. 108 says:

'The treatment of the tantrum depends on the age of the child, the reason for the behaviour and where the performance is being staged. In the first year of toddlerhood (between ages 1 and 2), behaviour often just happens, without much thought or reason. Where possible at this age it is best to guide, and be gentle. It is different when you have a 3-year-old who uses a tantrum to openly defy his parents' authority. A child much under this age is not capable of defying authority.'

The reasons he gives for tantrums which should not be treated with strict discipline are: frustrations (i.e. toddler has rage because of trying to do something beyond his / her abilities), tiredness or illness or any kind of stress and tension in toddler's life. He elsewhere says that over-disciplining for the wrong behaviour might create a meekly behaved child but one who will vent their frustrations elsewhere like at school or in the teen years. i.e. toddlers have tempers and need to express their anger and frustration. BUT tantrums which are manipulative behaviour need to be treated with strict discipline.

Mummylonglegs, I agree with you. I think there are so many things to frustrate and upset children of this young age, and we should have a bit of sympathy for their feelings. I personally don't understand how someone could watch their child on the floor upset and screaming for 2 1/2 hours. I believe they are not yet mature enough to control their own feelings, and need our help as the anger and frustration must be quite overwhelming and scary for them.

Distraction or a cuddle is fine, they do not need further punishment as the frustration and sadness they are already feeling is punishment enough. I think ignoring them teaches them that their feelings are not important. What they need is help to overcome these strong emotions which they can learn to do as they get older.

DD is only 14 months and seems to young to understand why I am unhappy with her. She generally loses her temper if she cant have something or wants to go some where ie today DH went out the front garden and she wanted to go with him, because he wouldnt let her she cried, she wanders around the house crying and I generlly try and distract her ie come and read this book give me a cuddle etc. Sometimes this works but its the time where shes been baughty and we both have to tell her off that we get problems with. she will wander around the house crying which we both ignore but after 30 mins you wonder how much longer she can keep it up. Even once she has stopped crying she sobs for ages after and I end up trying to comfort her. Time out wouldnt work as I believe she is far too young to understand why. I dont give in to her, if ive said no then its still no but I do try to take her mind off it quickly. Maybe thats wrong.
Its so.. confusing

I really think it's easier on everyone to be gentle with them at this age, then when they are old enough to understand about naughtiness, you have a good relationship to build on and hopefully they will be more likely to oblige you for that reason. I say hopefully! My son just spent half an hour winding me up before bedtime (and he is old enough to know better) so I cannot be too smug about this!

frannyf, thank goodness, I was really beginning to think I was way too soft in comparison to what other people are suggesting!

My dd's almost 3 and really truly only in the last 3 or 4 months have I started adopting firmer discipline with her and I think, for her at least, it's been perfect timing as she's able to understand why I'm disciplining her etc. At 14 months old, kbaby, she wouldn't have had a clue why I was ignoring her if she was crying. I was incredibly soft and gentle with her when she was small and despite what everyone here says I think it paid off because as I said earlier she still has never had what I'd call a tantrum (kbaby it doesn't sound like your dd is having a tantrum so much as being upset?), she's never yelled at me, she's been brilliant really. She's learnt that when I say 'no' very firmly I really do mean it, I don't go back on it because I choose the moments I say it very firmly. Plus she's old enough for alternatives now so if she wants to do something like you describe your dd wanting, kbaby, I can say no you can't because xxx, but you can do xxx. If your dd wanted to follow your dp outside is there any way you could compromise, i.e. watch him together out the window, make a game of it somehow? Life's way too short to spend it in too much battle with a tiny child.

I was just about to post a message on this when I saw this thread.

My dd is almost 16mo. She's really quite good (most of the time), but she's starting to push the boundaries and I find myself getting frustrated which can't help. In my heart of hearts, I know she is too young to expect perfect behaviour and I think she is too young to 'discipline'. I try not to over-react (eg if she throws her food, I take her plate away; if she hurls herself on the floor in a fit of pique, I leave her there; if she protests being put in her carseat or stroller, she still gets put in!) or practise distraction (oh look here's a doggie..)

I think I'm feeling ultra-sensitive as we were at friends' yesterday, where my dd threw her food on the floor, pulled my hair, screamed during her nappy change etc. In contrast, their child (who is admittedly almost a year older) was good as gold. In my dd's defence, she was exhausted, having had a v short nap on the way there. But it just made me feel like I was doing something wrong, esp when my friend said: "Does she always scream like that when you change her nappy?" It's hard not to feel like you're being judged.

ajmum, it sounds like you're doing all the right things to me, i.e. being firm, sticking to your guns without having ridiculous expectations of a child under 2. Maybe your friend was lucky and escaped those nappy changing scenes, or maybe she's forgotten about it? Is your dd generally tricky or do you think her tiredness today made it worse? My dd at that age always lost her cool when over-tired. And they have a little internal antenna, I think, that when you most want them to behave they do the opposite!

ajmum, we do the same and tend to ignore the things that dont matter ie throwing of food, wriggling during nappy changes and the newest one is turning the tv on and off. The only time we tell DD off is if she is being very naughty ie hitting other children, throwing the cat food on the floor etc, mostly we get tantrums if we stop her from doing things. Your dd sounds exactly like mine and you probably just caught your frinds dd lo on a good day.

Feel dreadful, but my son's tantrums make me laugh. Am I the only one? He's 19 mths and as short lived strops if I have to take him away from an activity (the usual - falls down, screams, falls down again, just to show how annoyed he is), even thinking about him doing this makes me smile.

I do try to hide it, but am I just a bad mum!

I think at his age alot of it is frustration as he can't yet express himself in words, so instead of "mummy, I want to stay" it's just WAHHHH

vkone, yes of course, sometimes my dd's drama really does make me want to laugh. Usually when she narrates something minute to me in a totally tragic voice with wobbly lip and forlorn arm gestures, and it's just something like wanting to put her cup on the table instead of the chair!