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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Behaviour of my son, please read and leave feedback

45 replies

Charlee · 09/08/2005 19:18

This week i have decided to try some new things with DS, he is a very demanding 11 month old, and although i dnt belive babies can be 'naughty' as such, myself and the health visitor belive he has learnt that if he cries myself and DP will give him exactly what he wants when he wants.
I am willing to admit fully that this is my fault as up untill now i have done everything he wants even if its not neede, he is picked up 99% of the day if not he will scream non stop, he eats when were eating even if hes beed fed so ends up snacking alot again becasue if not he screams the place down.
He used to sleep through all night from 6pm to 6am but in the last 3 weeks has been waking again and has got into the routine of me cming to him and getting him out and feeding him, it has now got the point where dp finds it difficult to do his job due to lack of sleep and hes so tense, hes a professional driver so this isnt safe.
I find myself short tempered and uptight again becuase im so tense, which then goes in a visiouc cirle as DS can sense our tenseness and it makes him upset.
So i have decided to try and put a stop to this so we can get back to being a calm family again.
I will list the thigs we are planning to do, please tell me if in your experience it will help.

1.When DS is playing with somethinghe shouldnt be i.e video player/t.v i will say no firmly then remove him and give him his own toys to play with. He screams when i do this so i ignore him then when he stops crying i play with him and praise him to hopefully teach him he get rewarded when hes not cryong.

2.when hes demanding our food even if hes been fed i will try and distract him, or again if it doesnt work leave him to calm himself down then praise him, we dont eat at the same time as we eat our dinner late.

3.when hes demanding 24/7 attention i will only give it to him if hes quiet and not having a tantrum, he always wants picking up as he cant crawl or walk himself and will throw a tantrum if hes not constantly being held.

4.when he wakes at night i will give him water the first time for him to go back to sleep with then every time after that i will go in to reassure him im there then leave without picking him up untill he goes to sleep himself.

5.when he scratches,hits me i will say no firmly if he does it again i will put him down and distract him with toys.

My aim is to get him to understand he is praised for not having a tantrum and that screaming will NOT get him attention.
I think alot of it is frustration because he is trying so hard to walk but cant quite get the hang of it he can cruise the furniture but cant pull himself up to standing to do it himself, so we have to put him agiant the furniture, so i understand that sometimes he will cry
but i just havent got time to do this all the time which is what he wants litterally.

Having read thorugh this i have realised that i may sound harsh leaving him to cry his temper out, but please understand i WOULD NEVER leave him if he was actually needing something and always makes sure he is clean,dry,fed,watered and rested before considering this.

Does anyone think this will have any effect if not does anyone have any other solutions to help overcome our problems.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

oooggs · 09/08/2005 19:25

Sounds great Charlee, just remember that you and DP must work together and be consistent.

Good Luck, it will be worth it

Twiglett · 09/08/2005 19:28

agree with first point .. though I think you should start to play with the toys you're trying to get him interested in .. ALL babies play with the video and get annoyed when you remove them .. Consistency is king .. every single time .. and both of you must do exactly the same. It won't work if DH doesn't do it too

Don't see a problem in letting him have a little of what you're having. Eating is a social occasion as well as nutritional. Also babies don't really like eating alone .. so I would suggest that you readjust all your meal times so you can eat together (earlier / later .. include snacks)

a bit of carpet time won't be a problem .. but think you might find it difficult to wait till he's quiet .. how about lulls / or slightly calmer crying .. do it in baby stages not all at once cos he won't know what's hit him

up to you .. you could try controlled crying or PUPD .. but again consistency rules

5.when he scratches,hits me i will say no firmly if he does it again i will put him down and distract him with toys.

Say no, put him down for a minute every single time and ignore him .. then do the toys things .. once the minute is over, its over though .. don't harp on it or stay annoyed

that's my opinion .. please feel free to ignore if you want

Original poster

Charlee · 09/08/2005 19:30

Thank you your opinions are much appreciated, thankfully me and dp are great as a team and have both agreed to keep this consistant. keep your thought coming.

OP posts:

sobernow · 09/08/2005 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker · 09/08/2005 19:35

All sounds great, Charlee. I've also found with DS that he gets frustrated around about the time he's learning a new "big" skill (rolling, crawling, etc), so it might be that once your DS can walk, he's more settled. Might take a while though - DS is 16mo and still showing no inclination to walk - lol!

Original poster

Charlee · 09/08/2005 19:37

Yes he is deffo fustrated all he wants to do is hold onto my fingers so he can walk around, i wish i had time to do it all day but i dont! i think its wear here learning so many new things at once hes getting overwhelmed! but i cant let it continue, so im keeoing my fingers crossed it will work!

OP posts:

morningpaper · 09/08/2005 19:47

What about some sort of toy that he can walk with? My daughter used a babywalker although mainly just pushed it around and filled it with tins of tomatoes from the cupboards etc...

I think Twiglett's suggestions are all spot-on. I agree with the zero-tolerance of violence and I'd put him down IMMEDIATELY he hit you with a firm no and turn my back on him to get on with something else.

knat · 09/08/2005 20:26

Agree with ideas here. Definately turning your back and getting on with something else usually works with my dd (or she comes crying to be forgiven!) At 10/11 months my dd's night time sleep become disturbed when before she had been an excellent sleeper. Eventually many months down the line we tried control crying and found it to work really well. She didn't wake during the night for the first 3 nights and on the 4th night she work at 5.00 am and went back to sleep when dh went in and told her it was still nighttime and to sleep. Admittedly when she was put down the first night it took 45 mins before she stopped crying and slept but after that was ok. I do recommend it although it is tough and if he's getting a good night's sleep it might make his behaviour better in the day?

Lizita · 09/08/2005 20:29

Totally agree with Twiglett & echo what morningpaper says about completely ignoring him after he's bitten/hit you twice.

To reassure you, he sounds very very similar to my dd around the same age, all she wanted to do was walk around holding my hand & she was very clingy too, wanting 24/7 attention. It was very hard work and very draining, but just to reassure you, once she was mobile things started to get a lot easier. (In one sense ! )
Also, being very consistent with your "no"s and very firm with it does pay off - as does ignoring any fall-out tantrums/crying that results, my dd learnt fairly quickly i think that it isn't worth it. He will learn that when mummy & daddy say no they mean no and that's the end of it. (Though that's not to say we don't have a crying session at least once a day still! They just don't last very long any more.)

It was also always a blessing to discover something that'll keep him occupied for a good while without needing your input. I can't remember what she was doing at that age, but certainly later on things like emptying & refilling containers of bits & pieces...i don't know what else. Was going to start a thread asking for suggestions for that kind of thing, since i'm spending so much time on here recently!

Good luck.

frannyf · 09/08/2005 21:15

I am not really sure how to say this as I don't want to cause any upset, but to me what you are planning to do does sound a rather harsh. He is only small and doesn't really understand what is going on - it's normal that he wants your attention 24 / 7 and I think he is a bit young to be 'trained' out of it. If he is upset he needs you - he's not doing it to manipulate you, young babies do need to be held and played with, some more than others. You have done a great job trying to give him all he needs and obviously have worn yourselves out doing so. Babies are exhausting and I bet you need a break! However I don't feel trying to train him to behave in a different way is the answer. He will not need you in this all-consuming way for much longer, but while he does it's best to just go with it.

Could you maybe look at ways for you and dp to get a bit more rest and time for yourselves while you get through this demanding patch? Could dp sleep elsewhere temporarily so he is not disturbed, and maybe give you a break when he's not working so you can have some me-time? It sounds like you are feeling close to burn out and something needs to change, but I think what you are suggesting could upset both you and your son as you sound a very caring mum. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I do hope I have not been too critical, just wanted to give another view.

frannyf · 09/08/2005 21:17

Just wanted to add I do agree making a stand on the biting thing is the best thing to do! Hope all the advice here helps.

sobernow · 09/08/2005 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinny · 09/08/2005 21:21

Charlee - sounds v familiar to my ds, little monkey he is. He staggered/cruised up to dh earlier and loterally punched him in the eye, then laughed and laughed. he's also OBSESSED with dd's trampoline and throws a HUGE tantrum if I take him off it when he's bouncing scarily high. You have my sympathies - was just thinking today I was going to have to get a bit tough on my terror!

Kidstrack2 · 09/08/2005 21:29

The only bit Charlee I feel is that as you are eating at a different time your little one doesn't understand this and will want a litle peice of your food. Can you arrange to have your evening meal together. This would totally solve problem number 2.

moondog · 09/08/2005 21:33

Think 2 and 3 are a bit dodgy tbh.
A baby can't be expected to be rational about craving attention or eating.

Rest seems reasonable enough.

frannyf · 09/08/2005 21:35

Sobernow, I do understand that not everyone would feel the same way. Just wanted Charlee to have my view too. In my opinion it is best to try to give your child as much time and attention as possible while they are little as I believe it makes them more secure as they grow older. I know this is not always possible or practical especially as you say when other children come along. But I would prefer to look for ways for the parents to give as much time as possible to their children, while looking after themselves as well, and I don't think they will regret it when they look back, when the children are older.

moondog · 09/08/2005 21:35

Mind you,I have a playpen which some people think is positively devilish.
Ds spends about 2 30 minute sessions in it a day and has learnt to amuse himself. I couldn't ignore him if he was physically close to me and wanting to be held though.

Blu · 09/08/2005 21:39

If he is wanting to join you and eat, I would encourage him! Let him sit with you and have something to chew. Anything to get kids to sit down and enjoy meals as a social occasion is to be encouraged, imho! If you 'exclude' him now, you may regret it when he's 3.

sobernow · 09/08/2005 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frannyf · 09/08/2005 21:47

Sobernow, I think saving yourself from going bananas is probably of greater importance than giving them 24 / 7 attention....

It is a bit of a dilemma. I think you have to go with what feels right for you - it's just that most books / hvs etc. seem to imply it is wrong to give a baby lots of holding and attention, so mothers like me who actually want to be doing it, end up feeling guilty. I want to spread the word that it is ok (and probably even advantageous) to give your baby as much attention as he asks for!

Twiglett · 09/08/2005 21:49

parameters of behaviour gives security too franny

I completely agree with you for under 6 months .. but think this baby is much older and needs to start to understand modes of behaviour too ... also much is to be said for what the parent finds to be too much

morningpaper · 09/08/2005 21:52

I see where you are coming from FrannyF but I think it's REALLY important for children to learn to play by themselves - by 1 year my daughter was quite happy to play with her toys for 30-40 minutes as long as I was around. We can still chat together when we are doing different things and it encourages their imagination and independence and creativity, which I think is v. important. Yes we can give them lots of 'quality time' but we can't really show them what fun it can be to pile up 20 toilet rolls in your baby walker or play with the saucepan drawer - that's important stuff for them to discover for themselves.

Twiglett · 09/08/2005 21:54

good point I totally missed MP .. yes a child develops many useful abilities by being left to its own devices and learning to play .. imagination / hand-eye / confidence

Lizita · 09/08/2005 22:25

I agree this baby is old enough now to start to learn "parameters of behaviour" as Twiglett puts it. It doesn't mean you're giving them any less love and attention, but rather a secure framework in which to exist.

PeachyClair · 09/08/2005 22:48

All sounds great, exactly what you (and I ) should be doing. Keep with it, it might feel like it takes a while but it will kick in suddenly and you'll be away.

Witht he meals though, I would feed him as sual then give him a bit of what you're eating- you won't regeret it in future years, he'll have a great range of foods he'll eat.

Don't beat yourself up about him playing up a bit- they all do this, he's only just old enough to set the boundaries really, so you haven't spoiled him or anything. Sounds like he has a great Mum!

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