Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Takin away a child's attachment object (security blanket)

32 replies

TheManor · 04/06/2010 22:51

Wise mumsnetters I need your help! Tonight we have taken away DD2's (age 4) attachment object. She has been in bed since 7pm, asleep for only one hour, the rest of the time crying and sobbing for her 'thing'. DH and I are taking it in turns to sit with her to try to calm her.
This feels very mean, but the thing is, unlike her big brother whose object is a stuffed cat, dd's object is a dummy.
WWYD - should we let her have it because it is her special thing, or stay strong and not let her have it because it is a dummy and she is too old...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GColdtimer · 04/06/2010 22:57

Personlly I would let her have it but I am a big softy. Why have you decided now is the time and have you discussed it with her?

Al1son · 04/06/2010 22:58

I have to say that I'd let her have it at bedtime only unless you've been advised not to by your dentist.

I can see why you think she's too old for it but I would wait until she's ready to give it up in return for a reward or she begins to have sleepovers with friends and chooses not to use it herself to save embarrassment.

If she really feels the need to have something to suck and chooses to use her thumb instead you'll never get rid of that. My friend did exactly that when her DD was 3 - she's now 11 and still sucks her thumb.

Original poster

TheManor · 04/06/2010 23:04

We have talked about it and she knows that her new cousin (due this weekend!) needs to have the dummies now (hope this doesn't cause long lasting issues between them lol!). We want rid because she will be at school in Sept and although she only has it for sleep, she is 4 and not a baby anymore.
She is already embarrassed by it (she takes it when we stay with family/friends, but hides it in her bed), and doesn't want to suck her thumb ('it's not the same mummy').

She is quiet now (well done DH), but I know she will wake later and howl again because she uses it to go back to sleep in the night.

Thanks for your replies, and other views mmost welcome - long night ahead

OP posts:

SquigletPie · 04/06/2010 23:09

I have to confess I had a comfort blankie until I was in my teens and I still suck my thumb on occasions (tired, bored etc.)
But, the blankie got smaller over the years and I learnt not to suck my thumb when in company - well most of the time but sometimes subconscious takes over....
My parents for some years tried to get rid of both 'attachments' and failed; they did however give me an understanding that some people do think it?s strange.
Neither of these attachments has stopped me from being a happy, well adjusted adult. I think your daughter should be allowed to decide for herself when it is no longer needed or when she perhaps needs to be more discreet with it. However, keep an eye on her teeth to ensure the dummy is not effecting their development, your dentist is the best person to advise.

Original poster

TheManor · 04/06/2010 23:13

That's the thing SP - DS still has his special thing, but that is because it is not a dummy. However DD feels about her dummy just the same way as DS does about his cat. BUT, it isn't good for her teeth (or palate shape actually), plus they are for babies...

OP posts:

Latootle · 05/06/2010 18:22

let her have the cuddley, what difference they do give it up of their own accord I promise, my grandson at 61/2 years!!!! has just dispensed with his. Any way how many grown ups have them or dummies !!!!!!! good luck better to have a happy child and night time not become a battle.

Cadelaide · 05/06/2010 18:24

I would give the dummy, and keep it strictly for bedtime only.

seeker · 05/06/2010 18:26

If she only has it to go to sleep with I'd let her have it. Why does it matter that they are only for babies? You could say the same about cuddly toys.

muggglewump · 05/06/2010 18:26

I still have my attachment object, age 32.
Give it back and let her outgrow it, if she does.

OrmRenewed · 05/06/2010 18:28

I'd leave it with her. As long as she understands she can only have it at certain times.

Cadelaide · 05/06/2010 18:30

I think your thread title may be misleading people, they may be thinking you're talking about a blanket?

Anyway, I'd still let her keep it. DS had his until he was nearly 6 when he gave it up of his own accord without any problem.

Whatever you decide I wish you a peaceful night!

juuule · 05/06/2010 18:38

"This feels very mean,"

That's because it is.
Let her have her dummy. She will give it up when she is ready.

JackBauer · 05/06/2010 18:45

I agree, if she has an attachment to it then just ebcause it is a dummy is no reason to take it away. Imagine what would happen if you took your sons comfort toy?
Yes, a dummy isn't an ideal comfort toy, but that is what has happened so you can't force her onto something else. She is only 4, let her have it but only at bedtime and then take it out of her mouth when she is asleep.

muggglewump · 05/06/2010 18:57

I hate taking away of comfort items. Perhaps because 1. I still have mine and 2. I sucked my thumb until I was 8.

So what if it's a dummy, she will very soon grow out of sucking it in public, if she does.

The use will get less and less.
I think it's mean to take away something they are so attached to.

I let DD outgrow her dummy, and she did, the last one went when she was 4.
Until then I let her have it whenever she wanted.

Original poster

TheManor · 05/06/2010 19:49

Thanks for all the replies and at the title typo!

DD managed last night. After settling again at about 11pm, she woke up at 2am, was given lots of cuddles, and then woke as usual at 7am. I told her we would go and get her a cuddly toy from the shop today to mark her being a grown up girl. She said she was very proud of herself this morning and rushed in to tell DS about having the whole night without her dummy!

I do think in some way, she has wanted to give up her dummy - I think she felt it was making her feel like a baby when she wanted to be a big girl. At the moment (!) I think it was the right choice to take it away.

As for writing security blanket - it was a deliberate choice of words to see what the responses were - I can almost bet that if I said DD (4) was sobbing for her dummy, a lot of people would have posted in a sniffy way about her being too old and needing to get rid of it. It is very interesting that so many of you said let her keep it.

She has just gone up to bed now - not asking for it yet, and has said during the day that she doesn't need it anymore. New cuddly has gone up with her - so we shall see what transpires

OP posts:

Original poster

TheManor · 05/06/2010 19:54

Just to repsond to a couple of posters - DD only has the dummy at night, has not had it in the day since she was one.

Also, I am not sure the 'I still have my cuddly and I am 47' helps tbh, I hope DD doesn't have her dummy till then lol!

I have been hoping that ever since DD was been able to talk and then reason, that she would 'outgrow' it. However, she has shown absolutely no signs - she was as attached to it at four as she was aged one. She was just able to articulate WHy she didn't want to give it up.

Anyhoo, we shall see what tonight brings - I am hoping we have set her free rather than scarred her for life

OP posts:

Candinha · 05/06/2010 20:00

Be brave stick to it, dummy may damage her teeth especially after 4. She will get used to it. I had a dummy till I was 5 my teeth are ruined!!

mumbar · 05/06/2010 20:05

glad you admitted it muggy I still have mine at 29!! And sucked my thumb till 11 which is why I gave ds a dummy. He then got rid of it.

Original poster

TheManor · 05/06/2010 22:18

Update - DD asleep. No tears, but didn't/couldn't settle till 9.30pm (compared with a normal zonked by 7.30pm). However, being very stoical and not mentioning the dummy. I am very impressed and proud (and surprised!), and have been telling her all day. Not counting any chickens, but hopeful . DD settled to sleep wrapped in my arms

OP posts:

Cadelaide · 05/06/2010 22:30

I agree TheManor, I'm also surprised at the number of people saying "let her keep it".

Glad it's going well

Original poster

TheManor · 05/06/2010 22:55

Thanks Cadelaide - all quiet at the mo

OP posts:

seeker · 05/06/2010 23:02

But what harm would letting her have a dummy for 10 minutes to go to sleep with do? She's only 3 - why the rush for her to be a big grown up girl?

My 14 year old is currently asleep cuddling her teddy and holding her monkey and she is a very grown up girl indeed. Apart from the bit of her that is still little and needs the reassurance that they give her.

seeker · 05/06/2010 23:02

she's only 4, sorry.

Original poster

TheManor · 05/06/2010 23:07

Hi Seeker - because it is a dummy, that she sucks, like a baby needs to suck. DD doesn't just suck it for ten mins, she will suck it most of the time while asleep - if it falls out she searches, still asleep, and plugs herself back in. It can't be good for her teeth/palate, plus she is now of the age that she feels embarrassed that she needs something that babies have, when she wants to be a big girl about to start school.

I AM torn - I know how much it means to her, the physical comfort it brings. Yet at the same time, I think it is also confusing her, making her feel like a baby.

However, she has not been distressed tonight so far, so we shall see how it goes. Hopefully there will be news of her new baby cousin too to distract her [smie]

OP posts:

seeker · 05/06/2010 23:10

Is she behaving like a baby in other ways?

Flip

1 2