How do you explain death?

[BrigitteBardot]

DD 3.5 asking a lot of questions about death. We're not religious, total atheists and I don't want to tell her silly things but am worried the truth is a bit hard to swallow at 3.4.
How have you approached the topic?

I have had to face these questions (and Riven I used to work in a hospice for children). I go with the recycling idea (my boys have loved learning about atoms - literally!) but add that what makes humans special is love. Love does not die, and that is why you can sometimes feels somebody is there even when you know they are dead. This works as an euphemism that appears to encompass many different religions too and generally does not seem to upset even the most hard core Christians!

Riven, talk to the Hospice staff. They will know your daughter, know what she is aware of from the hospice and help you to decide whether to bring up the topic or not. As a general rule I would err on the side of telling children too much rather than not enough. They seem to have an inbuilt capacity to put to one side anything they are unable to deal with and better that than fantasies that are truly terrifying building up combined with a lack of trust in carers.

I would, personally, never tell any 6 year old this. The only exception, for me, would be if the child knows death is soon and would be comforted by saying good bye. Riven I am not presuming to give advice except to suggest that if it is troubling you talk to others that know your daughter and circumstances.

Would like to offer a hug but will settle for... would you join me in a glass of wine? I will drink to your family. X

We have dealt with several deaths - all the grandparents and others. DD1 has been to 3 funerals (she is 6). We have talked about the things people believe, Jesus, Heaven, angels, the earth, the cycle of life, other faiths, atheists, etc All coming from her questions. She is a very articulate bright child and thinks deeply about this stuff.

DS is smaller but he is sad he has no grandparents when other kids do - he hopes their ghosts will come by and make cakes with him or go sledging.

They know there are things there is no medicine for, or that people will die when they are very old or have a bad accident. They know a very sick baby and have heard of one who just died - overheard a phone call with distressed friend. I talk about how families are like trees and although the leaves have to fall in the winter so the tree can rest, new life always follows when ther is room for it. The leaves go but the tree and the roots stay. We have a big tree in the garden and it seemed to appeal to the two eldest to talk about it that way.

DD2 is 2 and lives with joy in the moment. I wish we could all be like her.

This is a really good book. It explains death in a simple and beautiful way. Perfect for children. We have it on our book shelf and read it to dd (3 years old) periodically.

PS 'Total atheists' - I admire your faith. Even Richard Dawkins says he is only a '6 out of 7' (7 being total) atheist because we don't know everything. The 'nonsense' you refer to is highly improbable but not impossible. I think raising children to be open-minded is so important - especially when they might come across other, perhaps bereaved children, and need to learn how to speak sensitively to them.
Bosoms by the sea for example...
"Meanwhile I intend to stick to the facts and not fill their heads with fluff and shadows."

Scorn for other people's beliefs, however ridiculous they seem, is not something to be proud of.

There was another thread on this subject earlier this week - slightly older child - here.

My DD was 3.11 when her father died, very suddenly, so I had to explain it all with no preparation or time to think how to approach it. At this age, it often needs a lot of repetition for the facts to sink in - eg when people die they are not going to come back to life (like in cartoons...). I also couldn't bring myself to do angels, heaven, stars in the sky etc as I would only have to contradict myself later. I tried to be factual but comforting - not sure if I managed...

For the OP, if the issue of death is still abstract at that age (ie if no-one you know is terminally ill), then I'd say encouraging a healthy but not obsessive interest in dead insects etc, and reading books like 'Goodbye Mog' and Badger's Parting Gifts, or watching 'Up' are all good ways to talk about the subject.

Riven, I can't imagine how you could begin to explain to a non-verbal child who can't ask her own questions. Even if you could find a reassuring way to explain it to her, I don't think I'd be able to cope with the emotions. Surely the hospice must have counsellors trained to help you all through it? I don't think I would even try unless you can tell that she is worried by the death of someone she knows.

Are you the Expat who has ghost stories to tell? If you are, what do you think they are, briefly? I have experienced 'ghosts' but have no idea what I should believe because of it.

No - definitely no ghost stories here, I'm an absolute sceptic about all that sort of thing. Maybe you are thinking of expatinscotland? She's the only other person with expat in their username that I've spotted on here.

We've had to do this with DD - now 3 and a half - as my sister died at the start of the year. She'd been ill as long as DD could remember and we'd seen her regularly. We're atheists too. Took a very similar approach to Butterpie, and also say that though we're sad Aunty K died, it's good to remember her and talk about her. She also asks about my dad, who died 10 years ago. I also have an atheist friend who carefully explained to her DS when a grandparent died that no-one really knows what happens when someone dies, except that we can't see them any more.

I thought it had gone in OK with DD, and she was untroubled and matter of fact so I've tried to be too. But odd questions suddenly turn up - she recently managed to hit on reincarnation all by herself, for example . I do worry about making her afraid if we are ever poorly or in particular have sore heads (themes in both cases in my family). But I don't think that's happened yet. I think it must always depend on the child and it's worth sticking to the advice to just answer the exact question they are asking and not over-interpreting what they need.

We also gave nursery and her childminder a short note, explaining how we were explaining things to her, which apparently was helpful. I was keen that she didn't get the "gone to heaven/with the angels/better place/see her again" line from others, because I knew it would make me very upset. As far as I'm concerned - and I stress this is just about how I feel, not what anyone else should believe - it's not a better place, it was bloody unfair and I am all too aware that I will not see sister again, so the last thing I needed was to have to cope that sort of thing from DD. I have to say, people have been great about this.

PeopleCrunchingCelery - I am proud of allowing my children to make their own minds up rather than picking and choosing the nice fluffy bits of (insert preferred religion) and conveniently ignoring the bits that would frighten the living daylights out of little ones.

You have correctly identified that I do have scorn for those who feel it necessary to indoctrinate their children, in whatever way - though I know we all do this to a certain extent, even without wishing to.

Indoctrination into religion is particularly insidious; major religions contain the idea that if you don't believe then you are destined to an eternity of roasting on pitchforks/ being subjected to any number of nasty things/ coming back as something very lowly and generally having a Very Bad Time For Ever And Ever. I do not find that very broad minded, and I also don't see that it allows the child to really make their own decision if their parent has told them all these awful things will happen if they don't agree with them.

My DC's will have plenty of cultural 'religious' references (Nativity plays, Divali etc.), which we will celebrate as the important milestones in the year they are - but my DCs will also understand that humans have a diverse range of beliefs, mostly depending on where and by who they were brought up.

Sorry you have had to deal with so many deaths in such a short time . It is never easy, no matter what you believe.

As an atheist I answered ds1 in general terms about death being when our bodies stopped working. I then gave him a list of what might happen next (couched in terms of 'Nobody knows exactly but some people think...). He clicked with the idea of re-incarnation and is quite comfortable with the idea of people starting again. I am quite happy for him to believe this, even if I don't.

Riven, sorry my question was badly worded, I didn't mean it the way it reads.
Thank you for your suggestions, it reinforces what I instinctively thought.
2cats, I will check that book.
Celery and Flooty, I think Bosoms is just being descriptive and I do adhere to this view. Really don't mean to offend though.

Well, I told DS that when you die, some of the the chemicals that you are made of go back into the soil and eventually become part of animals and plants. I also said some of you goes into the atmosphere and a lot of you becomes rain.

He was about 5 at the time and didn't have a problem with it.

Love it, asky.

Our cat kills lots of mice etc or when we see dead animals my DD asks about it. I just say how sad it is but it is dead. She also understands that mest she eats is dead. She is 3. Difficult to explain why we wouldn't eat nannies dog that died though!

Without wishing to sound flippant, I like the Lion King - Circle of life philosophy

Very similar to what aegansky said, with the addition of the idea that people live on in our memories

Sorry Riven - posted this without reading the thread (which I never normally do)

mygran died a year ago, and my nephews and dd were aware that she had died, but not 100% what 'died' was, so i said that their great gran was very poorly and didn't get better (my personal prefernce was not to say that the doctors couldn't make her better as i didn't want a hospital visit in the future (if there was one, not that we have regular one) suddenly produce a 'Am i going to die if the doctors can't make m e better?' question!), and so she was buried in a cemetery where she is now a skellington (or skelligbob for my dd who is younger, it seems to make it a bit more toddler friendly) but its ony great grans skellinbob in the cemetary, Great gran is on a big fluffy cloud (cue some looking up and picking an appropriate cloud) and her lovely smile is up there where she is really happy and can see us and is happy becuase not poorly anymore. Abit vague / wishy washy possibly fr some but at such a young age the vagueness means as the dcs get older any questions can be answered by making my answer more specific when they are ready.

and we are catholics but i purposely leave out jesus and heaven til i feel they are ready to take on and understand that concept. hth's

We talk about the life cycle of all living things. It helps that we garden. DC talks about death often. I talk about my dead relatives, show pictures, remember them. He seems fine with it. He doesn't need a concept of heaven.