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Original poster

How do you explain death?

47 replies

BrigitteBardot · 04/06/2010 21:24

DD 3.5 asking a lot of questions about death. We're not religious, total atheists and I don't want to tell her silly things but am worried the truth is a bit hard to swallow at 3.4.
How have you approached the topic?

OP posts:
Butterpie · 04/06/2010 21:28

DPs brother died last year when DD1 was 2.5. I just said that her uncle was really really poorly, the doctors tried really hard to make him better but they couldn't so he died, and so we can't see him anymore. She seemed remarkably unaffected by that, but I'm not sure how much went in. I'm expecting more questions now she is getting older, so watching this thread with interest...

BessieBoots · 04/06/2010 21:31

My 4-year-old asks a lot of questions about death, as both mine and DHs mothers died before he was born. I've said that some people think you just sleep for ever, some people think you go to heaven, and some people think you come back as something else. DS says that when he dies an old man, he is going to come back as a snake.

LunaticFringe · 04/06/2010 21:31

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Original poster
BrigitteBardot · 04/06/2010 21:31

She has been asking about dead flies, dead crabs and then asking about my grand-parents. I have tried to be factual, yet light-weight but she comes back to the subject nearly everyday.

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BosomsByTheSea · 04/06/2010 21:33

I would go with the recycling theme. People animals and plants all die but then they go to make other things.

Gone but still here in the trees, the flowers, the grass and rabbits etc.

We are also atheists and don't want to tell silly stories about angels and heaven either. Straightforward is good.

You can also go with the 'some people believe x or y, and we believe z'

Good luck

sarah293 · 04/06/2010 21:34

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southeastastra · 04/06/2010 21:36

i recommend the smiths song

they were born and then they lived and then they died

sums it up a treat

ShowOfHands · 04/06/2010 21:37

DD has been asking about it since she turned 2ish. She's 3 now. She asks question after question. She knows about age and illness, she knows that it's absolute. She has asked several times recently where you go. She understands burial and cremation but says what about the person, not the body, the inside person. I've gone down the 'some people think' route.

I never tell her things, only answer questions, am as simple as possible.

Original poster
BrigitteBardot · 04/06/2010 21:38

Thank you, I like the recycling idea. It's a tough one, isn't it?
Riven, do you think your DD might know?

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DastardlyandSmugly · 04/06/2010 21:40

One of our nursery managers' husbands died quite suddentl recently and for some reason DS's key worker told the older kids about it. Combined with the questions about family - my mum died when I was 18 - I've had a lot of conversations about death with him recently (he's 4). It's taken a while to get through to him that he can't talk to my mum. We've looked at pictures of her and discussed that she's not here. We've also talked about how sad our nursery manager must be that her husband has died. Like Lunaticfringe we have come back to this generic idea of heaven though. It seems kinder and easier somehow.

Original poster
BrigitteBardot · 04/06/2010 21:40

SOH I guess that's what DD is wondering too, what happens to the pig inside? (she saw a lorry full of pigs and asked where they were going and I kind of told her the truth

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BosomsByTheSea · 04/06/2010 21:42

Hmmmmmm, SoH, the 'soul'. I think I would go with 'when you think of happy times with that person, when you remember them, that's how the 'inside person' lives on. In the memories of the people that they loved and who loved them.

(Glad I have a while to refine this, DS 1 and 2 only 9 months!)

Jux · 04/06/2010 21:43

It was at times like that that I wanted to drag out the Catechism! The Catholicism of my youth had all the answers.

Had to explain to dd, then less than 2, when our cat was put down, so I said he had been very ill and had decided he wanted to live with the stars, and she could look at them every night and know he was there.

We're all made of stardust anyway, and we'll all become stardust at some point, so it was true (in a way).

izzybiz · 04/06/2010 21:44

My Dd age 6 asks a lot of questions as her cousin died and we visit her grave often.

She asked why if her cousin is in the sky how can she also be under the ground.

I've told her that when you die, the bit that makes 'you' you flies away, your body is just like a shell that isn't needed anymore as 'you' aren't in it.

Ive also done the 'some people believe' and told her about heaven etc.

ShowOfHands · 04/06/2010 21:44

It's quite comforting talking to dd about it. Because she'll pick a flower for Grandad H (died in 2001) for example and I say well what shall we do with it and she explains that he comes when it's quiet and we're not looking and is still there but unseen to us. Like she's making up her own story about it.

LunaticFringe · 04/06/2010 21:46

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BosomsByTheSea · 04/06/2010 21:47

lunatic fringe. Sorry you've been in that position. That must be so, so hard.

[

southeastastra · 04/06/2010 21:51

my post was to op, sorry

chegirlmonkeybutt · 04/06/2010 21:52

My DS2 talks about death quite a lot.

His sister (my DD) died when he was 3 (DD was 14). DS has SNs and he still hasnt 'got it'. I am not sure he would even if he didnt have SN.

We just answer his questions the best we can and repeat as he asks again (he does - a lot).

I am honest i.e. she is never coming back. But I am very comfortable with the Heaven thing and I believe it myself (couldnt cope if I didnt).

Be prepared for some suprises though. Just when you think kids understand something thanks to your wonderful explaining and superior parenting skills, they pull out a blinder and proove you wrong.

Like when DS freaked the life out of a friend. He was driving him to his house for a holiday and DS began rambling on about how his sister had been stabbed to death. He was very explicit (and pretty cheerful). Poor friend didnt know what to say and was stuck in the car for about two hours!

Turns out DS knew that DD had died from cancer but worked out that cancer was a person. Therefore a person killed DD and how do people kill each other? Yep.

So its not something you can do in one talk. Its like sex education - you tell them things when they ask in a way they can understand.

nagoo · 05/06/2010 09:10

Fasectious (sp?) answer after everyone's experiences (sorry)...

My DS is a bit obsessed with death at the moment, he'll talk about dead creatures he's seen, and does a lot of thinking about what has happened to the baddies pushed down a hole in Star Wars!

Because I am total athesist I tend to fiocus on the science bit, ie the difference between being dead and alive. (like how does he know the bird is dead, is it moving, breathing, can it see, etc etc). Now he is grasping the fact that when something is dead it ceases to function, and can't 'do anything'.

I agree that it's like sex ed, that you have to 'drip feed' it. I have no intention of telling him about any kind of afterlife, because I don't believe that that is true.

I don't think that being dead is anything to be afraid of, and I hope to convey that to my son. Obviously being alive is better, you can do lots of things, but being dead just means that nothing else will happen.

Regarding remembering others, I agree with bosomsbythesea that it is the memories that others keep that keeps your 'soul' alive.

Original poster
BrigitteBardot · 05/06/2010 12:49

Sorry Fringe and Monkeybutt, your experiences put things into perspective.
Nagoo, I am doing the same at the moment, this crab can't walk anymore, he's dead etc... focusing on the facts.
But it gets trickier when we are talking about people.
My mum gave me grief because I wasn't talking about angels etc... so I felt a bit cruel for a moment, but I guess there's a way to be factual yet kind.

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charleymouse · 05/06/2010 13:53

Can I just suggest you don't bring sleep into the equation as it can frighten some kids and put them off going to sleep.
Try searching the sock example on MN, can't remember exactly but you put your hand in a sock and make a puppet then remove hand and sock left on floor. Might not quite fit with beliefs but may be suggestions on the threads.

nagoo · 05/06/2010 14:52

How is it cruel not to tell your DCs about heaven and hell? I'm resolute about it!

The main thing that really puts me off is that perfectly lovely people that I know who have been raised in a christian environment (inc vicar's son) believe deep down in their souls that they are going to hell.

I don't see how you can pick and choose between the concepts, if you are going to tell them about angels and heaven, then they'll come to some conclusion about 'hell' even if you don't introduce that concept yourself.

tootyflooty · 05/06/2010 15:06

not liking all the atheiest comments about "silly things like angels and heaven", each to their own, but because you don't believe doesn't make other views silly. What will you do if your dc ends up with and has children with a very religious person of any denomination?

BosomsByTheSea · 05/06/2010 16:30

Sorry tooty - as far as I'm concerned angels and heaven are in the same category as faries and the land of Oz. When my DCs grow up and can really understand and make their own choices then it's up to them what they believe.

Meanwhile I intend to stick to the facts and not fill their heads with fluff and shadows.