what is your best tactic with an unenthusiastic eater.

[booyhoo]

i know this has been done to death but i feel really stuck with ds1. we had a massive screaming match tonight at dinner and he ended up in bed without anything in his tummy. i feel so terrible. i hate that it frustrates me so much, i cant imagine what he is feeling like when he is faced with food and just doesn't want to eat it.

he is almost 5 and has aways been picky. he will depending on where he is eat what is set down but the thing is everyone knows he is picky so makes him what they know he will eat and if we go out he just picks the same thing to eat.

he doesn't eat any veg. he will eat sausages, chips, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, beans, pasta, bolognaise, tomato soup, pizza. he used to eat a good breakfast but now will only eat a very small bowl of cereal, and never finishes it. if i make a variation, like adding something new he will tell me he doesn't like it and so will either leave teh whole meal or just eat what he likes. if i can persuade him to try something he pulls horrible faces and tastes it with the tip of his tongue and still says he doesn't like it. he even reminds me sometimes that he tried something and didn't like it.

i have done rewarding for eating everything, rewarding for just trying something, rewarding for eating one mouthful. i have tried just setting the food done and saying nothing, ignoring the whingeing. i have tried no dessert, no going out to play after dinner, no tv. i have restricted snacks during the day. he has gone some days without eating from lunchtime because i didn't give him a snack to try and get him to eat dinner but he didn't. i introduced supper so that he wouldn't be going to bed hungry but i think he knows he doesn't have to eat dinner if he is getting food before bed.

this evening our oven broke so it was beans on toast for us all. i set the food down and because the beans had touched the toast he refused to eat it. i told him there was no difference in it and i wanted him to eat it all. he whinged and whined and i asked him to leave the kitchen until he was ready to speak to me properly. he came back and still moaned that he didn't want to eat it. i said that is fine, put it in the bin. you wont be going outside to play. he had a bit of a tantrum and i sent him out of the kitchen again. when i went out to see if he had calmed down he started tantrumming again so i told him if he didn't settle down he would end up in bed for the night. he didn't settle so i took him to bed. it was 6 pm.

i know i haven't dealt with this right at all. i just dont know how to deal with it. i dont want him to have food issues, but he clearly already does. he has a small frame and i worry that he jsut isn't getting enough of the right stuff, infact i know he isn't getting enough. he just isn't eating enough. i want him to enjoy food, i dont want him to get stressed at every meal but it is important he learns how to eat healthily. i have heard people say look at what he eats over the week rather than the day but even then he still isn't eating a good balance. i just dont know how to fix this without putting him through any more upset.

Option A - relax, stop this being the huge issue it clearly is, just pander to his whims re food he likes and get him more involved in cooking, so that new food seems less scary.

I don't think associating rewards and punishments with food is a good idea - he will end up with issues. You're overthinking the whole thing - he won't starve himself, and he won't still be eating shite when he's 18. Peer pressure, or curiosity, will get the better of him in the end.

I have a DS2 who lives on a diet of fruit and pasta - and that really is pretty much it. He's fine - and at 11, he is starting to want to try new stuff. But it has to come from him - it can't be forced.

Option B - take him to the GP and ask for a referral to a dietician who is experienced with children, and see how it goes from there. It might be really useful, it might make the whole thing into a bigger issue and so worse.

Either way, and I mean this kindly, you need to calm down. If you are this wound up, he knows he has some ammunition - it's a control thing.

TBH I would do far less. It must be incredibly fustrating and worrying for you but the more fuss you make the more attention he gets for it the worse it must get?

I don't have children of my own with eating issues BUT I am a childminder and I do have a brother who was a very bad eater as a child.

Encourage the good ignore the bad. Has he started school yet? It's good for children to eat with their peers and to naturally want to join in, without pressure.

I have had a few fussy eaters over the years I would do dinner for everyone, try to chose a dish with 1 thing that you know he likes, don't make a fuss at all, if he only eats the bit he likes then so be it, if he eats none of it then so be it, after 30 mins take the plate away, praise him if he has eaten some, you can use stickers if you want to, put the plate on the side and if he asks for food return his plate, reheating if you can.

He will not waste away, he will not starve himself.

The thing that sorted my step brother out in the end (after about 15years of only eating smash, beans, monster munch, chocolate and weetabix) was when he went to stay with my mums sister and bro in law, they gave him loads of encouragement and praise for trying things, they spoke to him about being able to take his girlfriend out for a meal, how he wanted to join the army but couldn't if he wasn't fit enough, it really helped, 2 weeks later he came back eating properly, he still won't eat some things like bread but over all it's not too bad and his was an extreme case imo.

i totally agree, i never wanted to do the rewards and punishments thing but frustration got the better of me. i know it can create a real problem in later years.

so you reckon i should just forget about getting him to eat new things and just let him have what i know he likes?

he hasn't started school yet. he is at nursery and i have spoken to his keyworker. she tells me he eats everything at snacktime which sounds promising but is also annoying because i know he can eat the stuff but just doesn't at home.

I would encourage new things but I wouldn't get worried if he wont try.

Just put a tiny taster on the side of things he does like.

Take him to farms or strawberry picking or get him to help you make a veg patch in the garden so he can get involved with food without having to eat them.

As for behaving differently at nursery that's normal, all children are better behaved for other people ime.

Ignore any battles with food....provide healthy options and have the attitude of take it or leave it, no discussions, no bargaining, no rewards, no punishments. Food should not be an issue....talk about something completely different at mealtimes. He won't starve...just don't make unhealthy options available.

Try to relax a bit - there's a tiny bit of veg in their - assuming you put onion and maybe celery/carrot in the bolognaise.
I'd agree with ditching the rewards and threats altogether and maybe for a while just go with the flow of letting him eat what he wants at home.
Does he eat fruit? Smoothies/juice?
I often leave new foods to try when I know DD is eating with Granny as she used to be more willing to try new things when I wasn't around. (Don't take it personally if this is the same with you )
Personally, I think introducing new food is easier if you offer something really similar to things they like already and build up the confidence of your child that new food isn't that scary. Like if they will eat carbs happily try them with something new like cous cous/bulgar wheat etc and then gradually offer more challenging food, but allow them not to like it and don't make a fuss but praise them for trying - this has worked well with mine and she will usually try new food quite willingly although she won't always like it or eat more.
She has also accepted the idea that its a good thing to try new food as you might find other yummy things you like to eat.

he does eat fruit and drinks plenty of smoothies and juice.

i try and cram as much veg as i can into my pasta sauces and my bolognaise, but there is only so much pasta we can take in a week

He sounds a lot like my DSD - she doesn't like veg and will occasionally eat the odd pea but thats about it, doesn't like fruit much either - but drinks smoothies etc. She is a fit and healthy 15 year old.
Beans are a great veg in the diet - will he eat potato in any form other than chips? They are a good source of carbs and other vitamins too - not at all bad.
My DSD doesn't like food touching either - she likes tinned hoops and toast, but arranges it so they don't actually touch. Her diet used to be horribly limited - no veg (other than potato) very little fresh fruit (but liked fruit bars, like school bars) and lots of cheese, but her diet improved a lot at senior school. Kids generally seem to improve with this as they get older, but don't expect a miracle.

he wont eat potato other than chips. i have tried baked potato with cheese/plain/butter/beans. i also do a potato bake because he likes pasta bakes so i 'sold' it to him as the same thing. but once he looked at it he knew it wasn't pasta and wouldn't touch it.

You can't fool them easily can you!

I just ignore and don't comment whether dd eats or not as a psychologist advised me. It seems to work, she eats better some days than others and eats a variety of foods but she gets no comment nor does she expect one either tbh.
We don't do snacks here so she wouldn't think to ask if she was hungry but would eat more at her next meal.

My friend (actually I have 2 like this) will only ever have beans next to toast.......beans in the bowl and toast on a plate!

booyhoo..........DS1 was like this and would only eat one quarter of a sandwich for lunch or tea. I wondered how he survived. Health visitor told me to stop giving him drinks until he had eaten as juice is empty calories and gives them a feeling of being full due to the volume. In 3 days he had turned the corner and then i used drinks as a reward for eating . So he ate first and then had a drink afterwards. Works a treat,and no tears

thank you, it is a relief to know that it's ok to ignore it. i felt as though i was just letting him away with it by doing that. i will try and relax from now on and let him take it at his pace.

make meal times fun.

i put the video camera on the meal time - not intentionally, but it did the trick. food was eaten

Someone suggested today I did fun food, as I too have a picky eater. Make faces on pizza/muffins/sandwiches, star sandwiches, boats, shapes, there are quite a few books with recipes for this sort of thing. I am going to give it a try and see if it works!

Nursery is the only place my son eats!

Just give him what the rest of you are having and if he doesn't eat it, take it away and don't give him anything else until next meal time. Make sure he has plenty of water to drink and don't make any fuss or comment. This is about power and he thinks (unconsciously) that he is able to control you through food. You need to undermine this thinking. Be CALM, be VERY CALM!! And don't give him special food, just what the rest of you eat. He has to learn this important life skill.

well he has chosen not to have lunch today even though it is tomato soup which he does like. he keeps asking for toast but i just repeat that we are having soup and there is nothing else.

My mindee I've got today wouldn't eat lunch, I explained the others were eating their sandwiches and could then have other stuff but he still pushed his plate away so I've taken it away without a fuss, he will eat when he's hungry, his sister said he didn't really eat breakfast either so he'll be really hungry by tea time I hope he will eat his dinner.

You can't force them to eat, your job is to provide it, if they don't eat it there's nothing you can do and when they do eat encourage and praise.

I'd say that that list is fairly balanced for a toddler, so it's definitely not a hill worth dying on. Feed him and relax and he will, too. I have a genuinely picky eater with texture issues and a child with big control issues who occasionally tries to carry them over into mealtimes. (Both boys have ASD) We refuse to fight battles and refuse to get het up about it.

If DS1 wants to start making a fuss about meals, he's welcome to get down from the table. Both boys always get something on their plate that they really like, even if the rest of the meal is more challenging for them. I always put the tiniest portion of something we know is challenging for DS2 on his plate. Sometimes he actually eats it. Sometimes he eats around it. Others we find it on the floor after dinner. It's no big deal. Unless he's ill, his food repertoire is slowly improving.

Personally, I would have given toast with the soup, mind. Tomato soup is hardly a filling, balanced meal on its own.

Ignore it. Put a selection of different things, in small amounts out each day. Let him help himself. Don't rise to it. If he doesn't eat, leave it. Have a permanent back up plan of two or three things he IS allowed if he doesn't like dinner, but offer or allow nothing else. In our house the backup is ham, cheese, fruit.

If you make a fuss, or cajole, or threaten, or get cross, it will get worse. Evidence suggests picky eaters end up with enough nutrients if left to their own devices...

sorry, i should have said, there was bread and butter with the soup so i couldn't see much point in making toast aswell. he is almost 5, not a toddler incase i didn't say that in OP.

he had a banana today at 3 and then said he didn't want dinner. he then had a small bowl of cereal at half 7 before bed so reall all he has eaten today is 2 bowls of cereal, 1 banana, 1 apple at preschool, and 2 slices of toast also at preschool. he had pure orange with his breakfast and has been drinking diluted juice throughout the day. he has fullfat milk in his cereal.

Hi, I feel for you. I have DS, 7 and he is very active and a reluctant eater, so super-lean, but growing satisfactorily.

He barely eats half a bowl of cereal in the morning and comes home with a quarter eaten sandwich from his packed lunch.

We've anlaysed it and he really has a strong preference for snacking or grazing. This is culturally frowned up, but athletes eat like this and perhaps it's not such a bad thing.

The problem was so bad that we had to keep shoving food into his mouth at home until he was nearly 6, otherwise he just wouldn't consume enough calories. his philosophy seems to be that eating gets in the way of playing!