Please don't flame me

[justforthispost]

So I have actually namechanged for the first time for this post as I am so afraid it will come out wrong and I'll get flamed. Will try to do my best to write this out.

I was a v. "gifted" child. Extremely. Think Doogie Howser M.D. if anyone remembers that. Warp speed through school/uni/career, all that "talented" stuff. My parents were thrilled. I was miserable.

It was horrible. Every step, every day, every award, everything. I had zero childhood, for a variety of reasons.

All I have ever wanted (DH and I are older parents and were TTC for years) was to raise a child who was happy. And it has been going beautifully, but I have started to notice some things with DS (21 months) that are terrifying me on the inside. I can't talk to anyone about it for fear of people thinking that I am being boastful about it - I am not - I am concerned. I DO NOT want my son to go through the childhood I had. I also have an unbelievably detailed memory of my early childhood, which I think is not helping me here.

So here's what I've noticed and please tell me it can be normal for some children.

DS can read words. Knows what they are, read them, and say them. Not little words. Mostly three syllable words. It is happening when we are out at the shops and he sees them and points them out. Now strangers are starting to comment on it, in a shocked way. I have no control of it, we'll just be going down the aisle and he'll point at signs or something and say the words. Without said object anywhere in sight. So far I have noted about 40 different ones.

I read newspapers by 3. It was my parents first "real" sign that something was odd. But because of that I may be worrying unnecessarily...?

I have always read to him at length since birth, but that has been more of a special quiet time for us, not with the intention of teaching him anything. Also is a nice calm time as we do not watch telly. But I don't know where else he could have picked this up?

Please please tell me this does not mean anything...

Must run for a bit but will be back a little later...

I have no idea whether it means anything or not but what I can get from your post is the fact that you've learnt from your own childhood and won't let that happen again

DD1 could read from an early age and is far ahead of her peers, DD2 and DD3 don't have as much interest - everyone is different and will develop at different rates but even if he is developing at the rate that you did you'll be more aware of it and be able to help him develop and have the childhood that you wish him to have

sorry but i think that is very clever of him children of 21 months cannot usually read but that should not mean its a bad thing, you were obviously pushed to excell? just make sure your ds is happy and not pushed into anything and you have no need to worry. this doesn't have to make him miserable

It's down to you. If you choose to make it a big issue then it will be. If you allow your son to go at his own pace, if you allow him to be a child that has fun and asks alot of questions then there's nothing wrong with this. You don't have to teach him quantum physics. Go with his flow, not your parents. Encourage him to have a variety of interests and he'll be fine.

For what it's worth, I remember taking my son on a bus when he was 2, he was talking and asking questions (as he still does), the gent infront turned around with a rather horrified expression and asked which school ds went to, "Eton?" I ignored it and went with ds's flow. He's a well rounded, very bright 11 year old. He could do quantum physics if he wanted to, I choose not to as it's just as important that he has a childhood. I don't teach him anything, he does ask alot of questions though, he just picks things up very quickly.

I've no idea what it was about your childhood that you disliked. I don't know why you didn't have a childhood. But I do know that what was bad about it wasn't because you were clever.

Being practical about this, just make sure he has enough childhood stuff to enjoy. Make sure he goes to swimming/riding/tennis/rugby/cricket and music lessons. Make sure that he has a wide variety of opportunities that give him a range of friends and different interests and the chance to be hopeless at stuff but just enjoy it. Don't focus solely on the academic. In fact, don't even think about it. It sounds as though that sort of stuff will take care of itself.

You need to relax and just concentrate on helping your DS to enjoy being bright. My children are bright and I love that. I love the fact that they can have sensible intelligent conversations. I love the fact that they can both make connections that I've missed. It's a blessing, not a curse.

I do feel for you, you had an unhappy childhood and naturally you're worried for your DS. I'm sure he'll be fine, you just need to relax and go with the flow. Stressing about it won't help so just try and be happy for him and try not to make an issue of it. Best of luck xxx

Being at the extreme end of anything can be difficult.My dd was a very early talker and that was nice for me but actually not very nice for her,other people expected far more of her at say,24m, than they generally would of a baby,just because she could talk so well.She also took in a lot of the adult world at a quite stressful time for us and she had no way of making sense of it.She was too small for all the information she was getting to have any frame of reference.It is easier and nicer to be soemwhere in the middle as a child,with maybe one area where you do well.You however will be the best possible parent for your (rather brilliant!) little boy as you know all the pitfalls.Very advanced children don't always do well as time goes on and you will be best placed to help your little boy do all the normal toddler things while keeping him interested and absorbed.I can understand your worries completely with your history,but I think you will do a great job because you have been there too.

Hi, My daughter is exactly the same. She recognised her first word at 14 months and now at 2.5 she can recognise hundreds of words and can read parts of books, signs etc.she can draw pictures of people/animals etc, recognises all alphabet/numbers, I was not at all "gifted" as a child. infact i was very late with speech, reading and writing (still cant spell now!) I do still worry though how being bright might have negative effects. I am very carefull not to push at all,everything she has learnt has been through being read to and her asking questions about things. but my daughter already puts pressure on herself to get things "perfect", and can get very upset if she thinks she might get something wrong, she wont try anything that shes not completely confident infront of people other than myself and my husband, incase she gets it wrong.
I also know how tricky it is to raise these kind of things without people thinking you are bragging. I find myself hiding things that she can do from friends, incase they think im some kind of awfull pushy parent, or bragging. But it doesnt seem fair on my daughter to be constantly dumbing her down. Someone asked her if she can count the other day (which she can)and she said "no i cant... 2,8,15,45,100" which made me really sad, as i think shes obviously picking up on what i do and is already getting embarrased of her ability.

Thanks for your encouraging responses. It is hard to feel I can't talk to anyone in RL about this.

I guess I should have explained that. My parents were counselled to do exactly that with me - try not to focus, or let me focus, on the academic, which would be such a big part of life no matter what they did. So on paper I was the most well rounded child you could imagine. Musical instruments galore, sports of every kind, activities, volunteer work, helping on farms, photography, archery, cooking, you name it, I can repair cars, lol. Life was an activity, and I tried SO hard NOT to stand out/be first/win/whatever. My childhood was about hiding it all where I could. Pretty tough when you're clearly MUCH younger than everyone else. I never wanted to do anything by about the eighth grade. I was popular but often felt I was being used, possibly even when I wasn't. Argh, that was strange to write out - childhood encapsulated.

Anyway I so desperately want DS to be HAPPY. And yes, my own experience has probably clouded my judgement miserably and yes I suppose I probably would be happy about it if I didn't have my own experiences. And he's not likely to be as "extreme" as I was.

The perspectives help...

Yes,all I want is a happy child.both my daughters started talking at 5/6m but my older one had a more difficult time of it in lots of ways.I think all you can do to have a happy child is love love love them and then the rest is their temperment and the stuff that life will throw at them.My daughter now seems bright but not at the extreme end of that ,but she is a real worrier and they are both perfectionists.My smallest was three this month and a few weeks before her birthday she had an awful day of being really upset and saying "I can't do anything properly,I do it all wrong" etc,because she expects to be able to draw and write like an adult. I think it's probably a gentler entry to the world to talk late and read late etc, but they are who they are.I suppose cultivating resilience is the main thing.Resilience and common sense,combined with a sense of humour,will get you happily through life whatever else is going on.

definately agree with the sense of humour bit.My daughter has a realy great sense of humour, which we realy encourage, as it seems to be the best thing to help with stress and confidence, im just very sad that stress and confidence issues get in the way at 2. it seems so wrong.

Having a child like this is a difficult road. It is not always recognized thusly by others but as parents (or adults who went through this as children) we know. Being happy is what we all want for our kids but with a gifted child it can be so hard to know what road will lead to happiness. There are many scenarios that are NOT right. 1) Pretending child is just like all the others and not giving any consideration to the fact the he/she may be bored to death most of the time 2) Pushing child incessantly so that anxiety becomes second nature

What you want of curse is to provide stimulation in all sorts of ways, looking to follow child's natural interests, finding a school that will challenge the child and still provide appropriate peers and social engagements.

The last is not easy at all. So far we have managed it with ds1 but it required a lot of sacrifices on our part. We moved almost 400 miles to get him into the school we wanted and we do our best to keep up with his current interests (or obsessions!) to expand his experiences. So, with an extreme interest in the Titanic we had books on other maritime disasters, he built lego models of the Titanic and others and he and dh made their own lego movie recreating the sinking. They worked together on the filming and then the editing to put it on youtube.

Thanks for this, I feel somewhat better in one way. It's actually a weight off just to be able to "talk" about it, I have built up such dread in my head.

Sense of humour sounds really important, makes sense. My parents had none. They were more about the newspaper clippings. I always felt more like a specimen than a child.

It's a good point that because of the way things were for me, I'll be conscious not to do that for him. I guess I had just really hoped this wouldn't be the case. As I child I so longed for "the middle of the road."

Am going to print this thread to keep, think it will be helpful long term.

Would be interested to know how many of you who've been in a similar situation have had to home ed, or have had a really challenging time like JabberWocky?

I think your parents would have been in the same boat justforthispost. No parent is given a manual on how to raise their child, you are discharged from hospital and expected to get on with it. Most parents do their best because they don't really know what they are doing. Maybe they thought that this was the best, they saw your talent and tried to nurture it as they didn't know any better. You have learned through their mistake so something positive has come out of it.

I found that private schools were more flexible in their teachings then state schools. Alot of teachers (we have met) don't like the questions or the humour so will come down on your child like a tonne of bricks because they want to mould them into the 'perfect student'. It doesn't happen, it's alot like trying to stick a square peg in a round hole, you can chip off some of the sides but it's never going to be quite right. It's not easy finding a school that will accept and nurture a very bright child, we had to road test a few. He was a bully magnet in the state school, he's quirky and very quick off the mark which didn't go down to well at all. School wise your son needs somewhere where the work is differentiated (not as in "if you can do the other side of the sheet" -we've had this, it doesn't work as the 'harder' side of the sheet took ds 30 seconds and there was no more work).

Hope this helps

I could read at that age, and was gifted but not amazingly so, and didn't suffer for it...don't worry about him yet.

justforthispost, it is horrible to be worrying like this. I've namechanged too as I don't want anyone IRL realising this is me.

I'm sure the extent to which giftedness is a 'problem' for a child is partly temperamental. I would describe myself as having been an intelligent & academic child - not 'gifted' as such, but I was top of the year in most subjects, and went on to get a first at Oxbridge. I was shy and very family-focussed in personality, and I would always try not to let on how clever I was, and do everything I could to make myself seem 'smaller' IYSWIM. I always felt embarassed and ashamed about it. This was never because of my parents, who were happy with whatever I did as long as I worked hard. It was just that I was quite an introverted and timid personality. I still find I'm like this with people I don't know well.

DH, on the other hand, who I met at uni, is equally bright, but much more sociable (although still quite introverted). His school friends all knew how clever he was, they teased him a bit but in a good-humoured way, and everyone was fine about it. He never felt he had to pretend he wasn't clever. The only place he had issues was in his family, where his parents would pretend to his (less academic) sister that he was less intelligent than he really was in an attempt to make her feel better, I suppose. Apart from that, he was happy and confident in being clever.

I think what I'm trying to say is that if your son does turn out to be as gifted as you were as a child, he may well respond to it differently from the way you did.

I think as well that all of us would like our DCs to be happy, but none of us can guarantee that they will be. What you can do is to make sure he knows you love and support him, want to do the best for him and that he can trust you.

You are much better placed to help him if he does turn out to be gifted in the long run than someone who'd never had to struggle with these issues themselves.

Definitely agree with belle above about many teachers - I used to be one, and the state system puts such pressure on them that it's hard to have the time/energy to give proper attention to individual children's needs.

mmme well, it'll probably be fine as you are very well aware of the line you don't want to take. For what it's worth I (apparently) have an IQ that puts me in the top .06 % BUT (before anyone thinks I'm bragging) am completely normal.... didnt go to oxford/ didn't get a first and have normal job.... (not rocket scientist or anything ).

The only reason I know I have this IQ is that I was tested for dyslexia- I can't spell too well and a couple of other notable things....but only when doing my post-grad. Went through school completely unremarkably. I was a bit bored and played up a bit (nothing too terrible though), but I found other outside things to keep me stimulated. I read a lot and did lots of extra-curricular things. I guess what i am saying is that it need not be an issue at all. My mum (who was a primary school teacher) now admits she activly discoraged me from reading pre-school (apparently didn't want me to be seen as the "daughter of a teacher- who taught her to read early ) and I do remember being a bit pissed off with her as it seemed so exciting. However no lasting damage done. Keep you littl boy happy and engaged at his level and I'm sure it will be fine

The other side of the coin though, hettie, is that you are probably the result of "gifted drop-out". Having a high IQ gives one the potential to do things that others can't but it takes active encouragement from the parents. Which, as your mother now admits, she did not. In fact she actively discouraged you as far as the reading goes. You seem to be perfectly fine with how it all turned out so in your case there was no harm done (other than being a bit bored as you said) but it could have gone the other way. I still believe that as parents of children like this we are given the responsibility to help them achieve the wonderful things that they are capable of - no matter how challenging that can be for us.

I was extremely bright as a kid and loved school. I was so unhappy at home that school was great. My children are pretty bright with one being exceptional. I will not be pushing them to do anything but be happy.

I think you need to calm down and enjoy your son. You can't stop him being bright and you have the experience and sense to make sure it doesn't end up being a negative aspect of his life.

In the nicest possible way I think you need to stop worrying.

FWIW my dd was reading at two and a half and she is 6 now and doing fine.

Overwhelmed a bit with all the things to think of but feel very much like Jabberwocky in that if this is the case, will need to find ways to challenge him/support him in exploring his interests. I did have some behavioural issues from boredom and would not want that to be the case. The school thing I imagine could be quite a nightmare as I'm told they're not inclined to do what they did with me anymore and have children fly through at warp speed - it was a really negative thing anyway as you are eventually with much older children and exposed to things you have no frame of reference for far too soon. Really feel for those of you who've had children in this boat.

for those of you who/whose children are "hiding" it, I know exactly how that feels. Only now do I realize how sad it is though; as a child it was more of a social coping mechanism.

Will try to stop worrying for now. Totally get now that I wouldn't be worrying (and would probably be pleased) if it weren't for my own experiences---this thread has helped.

Sounds like I may be back in the future though in search of advice, or possibly school recommendations or home ed direction!

There is a specific G&T board under education that you might find useful in future.

I do think you need to be careful not to overcompensate and go too far the other way with him because you're so concerned about not repeating your parents' errors.

As others have said schools don't really accelerate through the years anymore. There seems to be huge variation in how highly gifted children are treated in schools so choose carefully when the time comes.

True, but hardly anyone ever uses it. As soon as you post there all kinds of people come out of the woodwork to mock the whole idea of G&T

I had this to some extent - but fortunately so did both my parents. My mum skipped grades in school and so refused to let me do that, due to the social aspect.

Both my parents were trained in psychology and were very focussed on not making being 'clever' be a value of itself, stressed that IQ tests were only any use for spotting learning difficulties, etc. Focussed on the value being the effort rather than the result and so on. I did have massive behavioural issues at school which tbh no-one could deal with at all. In the end my parents just stopped going to the parent-teacher meetings altogether and asked me to please just try not to get expelled. I managed that, though still not sure how (I'd have expelled me I think!)

TBH they didn't manage to undo all the damage done at school by the whole 'clever' tag - I ended up with a different set of hangups which weirdly mean I do really badly in exam type situations - but at least they didn't make it worse.

I totally get where you are coming from with your ds. I get incredibly triggered when I hear anyone refer to my ds as 'clever' or try to measure his achievement in any way. I'm currently inclined to go the other way in school - rather than go for anything academic we are going for a laid-back 'learn at your own pace' mixed-age group type thing, so that school is all about socialising rather than learning. We can always do the intellectual stimulation at home.

Thanks for the info on the other board, I can imagine why people are somewhat reticent to use it unfortunately.

ib - bet your mom felt for you like I do for DS now. I skipped several grades in school, and over time I think it is a negative thing, though I didn't have as much difficulty socially as would be expected (probably simply too busy with activities to notice!) But if the alternative is boredom, as many of you know, that's no good either.

Reading all of your posts I am starting to understand what a difficult position my parents were in. They lost many friends. It is hard to know what to do, isn't it.

I had just so hoped that this would not be the case, tbh. But I will handle it differently, I will handle it better, and I will look to those of you with experience for how on earth to best accomplish that.

All we desperately want is for DS to be happy. He is such a sweet and well mannered/tempered little boy, and is very sensitive. Just this morning after playgroup we decided that we will have to find another group as several MUMS (not the children at all) were being quite snarky to DS when he started talking about some things that were written on signs on the wall. It could not be misconstrued as jovial or even remotely nice - one actually made him cry.