Please don't flame me

[justforthispost]

So I have actually namechanged for the first time for this post as I am so afraid it will come out wrong and I'll get flamed. Will try to do my best to write this out.

I was a v. "gifted" child. Extremely. Think Doogie Howser M.D. if anyone remembers that. Warp speed through school/uni/career, all that "talented" stuff. My parents were thrilled. I was miserable.

It was horrible. Every step, every day, every award, everything. I had zero childhood, for a variety of reasons.

All I have ever wanted (DH and I are older parents and were TTC for years) was to raise a child who was happy. And it has been going beautifully, but I have started to notice some things with DS (21 months) that are terrifying me on the inside. I can't talk to anyone about it for fear of people thinking that I am being boastful about it - I am not - I am concerned. I DO NOT want my son to go through the childhood I had. I also have an unbelievably detailed memory of my early childhood, which I think is not helping me here.

So here's what I've noticed and please tell me it can be normal for some children.

DS can read words. Knows what they are, read them, and say them. Not little words. Mostly three syllable words. It is happening when we are out at the shops and he sees them and points them out. Now strangers are starting to comment on it, in a shocked way. I have no control of it, we'll just be going down the aisle and he'll point at signs or something and say the words. Without said object anywhere in sight. So far I have noted about 40 different ones.

I read newspapers by 3. It was my parents first "real" sign that something was odd. But because of that I may be worrying unnecessarily...?

I have always read to him at length since birth, but that has been more of a special quiet time for us, not with the intention of teaching him anything. Also is a nice calm time as we do not watch telly. But I don't know where else he could have picked this up?

Please please tell me this does not mean anything...

That's terrible! Can't believe other mums could behave so badly

I hope I haven't made it sound too overwhelming. Ds1 has done wonderfully at his school. It was soooo worth everything that it took to get him there. He has friends who are on his level and his teachers thus far have been terrific at making sure the work is challengeing. For instance, one of their projects in first grade (we are in the US) was to choose a fairy tale, make up a cereal with a name similar to the story,(i.e. Princess and the Pea Crunch) design a cereal box, put the story elements/characters as the ingredients, make up a crossword game for the back, include a relevant prize, and write a commercial to "sell" their cereal. The kids had a blast! Many very clever ideas.

Other things, such as pointing ds1 to a Build your own website and giving him a little bit of help to get started can blossom into all sorts of areas. His website is about his pretend community of Mello. He draws pictures to scan and upload, plans activities for his community, blogs (mostly the weather report ) and has made a brochure on printmaster for it. Not a project that was available when I was younger!

other things "you can do"

There's alot of I think, even on here people use the G&T boards to mock children. It's pathetic to be honest, there's alot of resentment and people forget that they are just children. It doesn't matter how bright they are, emotionally or maturity wise they are just children. If you need to post for some advice and support then do though, a simple "these are children you should be ashamed" helps. I do understand why my son was bullied and not invited to parties/playdates though

There are things you can do outside school if your son wishes when he's older, I recommend that you don't do anything that will be taught at school though as the boredom factor will come into play. Astronomy is fine, you can do trips to the grenwich observatory, look at the NASA web site etc. If you can get away with steering clear from school topics (maths/science) then do as it will do him no favours. Languages are a good one as not all of them are taught in schools.

Oh Jabberwocky, you haven't at all, this thread has been enormously encouraging to me. I think I had built up this "fear" in my head and reading the posts are breaking it down quite a lot.

The things your DS has done are great! I am so impressed that the school/teachers have been so creative!

This morning was tough, particularly because I finally got the courage to write this thread yesterday and was encouraged by the responses and then this morning just felt like my balloon of positive attitude was popped already. A woman, rather disdainfully, actually said to DS (who was saying the words on the sign at the hand-washing station to me) "Don't be reading! Little boys should be banging trucks. Doesn't your mother let you play?" She said it as though she was scolding him, and with his lip quivering he said "DS likes reading" and then ran over to me and cried. I was so sad for him that I didn't even tell her off, just comforted him and took him off to play elsewhere. Time to search for a new group.

No, don't leave it. It's not a normal thing for them to see and hear, they need educating that all children are different. If he wants to read then let him, I found that joke books were good starter books. Ds was 3.5 when he started reading, he'd walk around the city centre reading his joke book, every now and again he'd just stop and laugh, then he'd read the joke out. He brightened alot of people's days, it was great fun for him.

I bet that woman felt really bad

Belle that is a lovely idea - a joke book! He adores books and that would be a great addition, thank you. Will have to see what I can find.

It will be hard not to leave the group after this morning, that woman was not the only one with that kind of attitude. I totally agree that they need educating that all children are different, but each week it gets a little worse and I just don't want to bring DS into an environment where he's discouraged like that... I suppose I would be taking the easy way out but it's getting tough.

They are everywhere. Don't let a narrow minded person stop him from going anywhere. Teach him to stand up to them instead, he has as much right as anyone else to do the things he enjoys.

I think he handled it very well, I would have felt terrible if I'd have upset a child like this.

I know this is stating the obvious but could you actually broach the subject with the mums. Along the lines of, "I know this probably looks like I've been teaching him to read and I really haven't. I guess it's quite unusual but he just picked it up blah blah blah. I feel really awkward about it but I'd really appreciate it if you'd accept him for who he is and be careful to make comments about it in front of him" etc.

Maybe I'm talking cr*p but rather than leaving the group or having this awkwardness with them all this might be worth a try?

Maybe I'm a wimp, but I would most likely leave the group Life is too short, imo.

By the way, I completely agree about the G&T boards on here. It's a shame when some people have genuine questions.

It all typifies the attitude to gifted children in this country. I bet the American equivalent of Mumsnet isn't so damning.

glee, I'm American and am so addicted to MN I haven't looked around much for another board BUT have spoken with a British friend who says it is very much a cultural thing with how the G&T board goes on here

The NAGC has forums that you can join if you are a member - iirc - and lots of good information on raising a gifted child.

Jabber - it is so English isn't it. If your child is clever you just can't talk about it without seeming like you're boasting.

I remember being mortified one day when I was picking up ds during his first week in reception. All the mums were in a queue to get the children and the teacher started very loudly telling me some probably quite unusual 'academic' things ds had been doing in full volume of all of them. I know I shouldn't have cared but I was really .And of course they will all have thought I am some hothousing type.

It is a shame, glee. I feel so much for the lack of support that parents have in the UK regarding G&T kids. Because we really, really need support sometimes! It is very different here and I am grateful. Ds1 is having a much better time of it than I ever did as a child. And it is interesting to note that the OP's experience colors her perception of raising a gifted child too. I suppose we just have to take our own experience, learn from it and make sure that we try harder with our kids. Too bad kids don't come with a manual!

My gifted son (top 2%) is 14. he is an introvert. He just went on a 4 day sailing course with his sister.

When not sailing, he just sat alone and .read and was not interested in any of the other teens there.

He prefers adults. Will he grow into himself as he get older?

I would take away some of his IQ to give him some social skills-he is funny and chatty to adults but very computer game/reading obsessed.

It breaks my heart.

One of my chidren was reading fluently at three, and it was never a problem. The only comments we got (or maybe the only ones I remember?) were amazed and positive. I have only ever felt proud of him, and he felt proud of himself, and he loved being able to read, not to show off, but because he loved books. I think you sound incredibly thin skinned, and it really helps as a parent to be a bit more robust. I probably would barely have noticed the silly woman (I mean, so what?), and if I had thought anything would have assumed she was jealous that my child was brighter than hers. Really, never assume your experience will be your child's experience. He's a different person to you. I am still not sure why your childhood was so awful (I was clever at reading at two and never found it a burden of any kind, so just don't get it, I'm afraid) - no parents are perfect and it can help to forgive them. From what you describe of their efforts, they did their absolute best and loved you. Just enjoy your little boy and don't worry so much. Being clever is a gift, not a curse.

My 13 year old is a bit like that riajames and I worry also but then he seems so happy as he is and has a few core friends that he enjoys so I try not to put my perception of it onto him as he is secure and confident-do you know what I mean?

sounds like he will be fine, OP. (though yes, time to find some new friends if those other mums are so rude )

you are so aware that I think you'll watch out for your DS's wellbeing. is it possible (I'm wildly extrapolating here) that your own parents took the 'extra-curricular' thing on board too much, and you were doing all these extra activities at the expense of just being? make sure your DS has time to just play, give him some lego and let him get on with it, sit on a bench in the park while he runs about and climbs on everything.

do try not to be so worried about his possible giftedness that you end up playing down his talents.

I would recommend NAGC, my DS is bright but also dyslexic, it made a huge difference for him to go on a dyslexic course with other kids when he was 8. Just to see they were all "normal" kids. I am sure that in the future that is what your child will need, the opportunity to see other "normal" bright kids. Maybe that is what you needed as a child.

I live in a very competitive area, and have had parents react negatively to my own DD's brightness (partly because I think underneath they feel guilty or worried that their own child is not so advanced). There is also her friend's Mum who just has to name drop which books her daughter is reading.

So don't compete, don't stress about the future, just let your son lead you in his interests. And remember most parents are insecure and worry about doing the right thing.

A school like summerhill allows kids to really be kids...

I think there is a difference between genuine giftedenss and just general early development/brightness.

You may find others have caught up by the time your son is older.

I wouldn't make it an issue as I don't think it is one. Certainly not yet.