DD is a melodromatic whinger!!!!! HELP!

[onebadbaby]

I can't help getting angry with my 4.5 year old dd. She just seems so emotional all the time. Her only way to deal with a situation is to cry, wail and generally scream.

I wouldn't mind if she had a genuine reason, but the volume and "dramaticness" of her cries hardly ever matches the problem.

For example this morning her curtain fell down when she tried to open them- I was busy getting dressed and heard her start to cry from the room next door, after a second or too the screaming got very loud and piercing and I rushed in, imagining a scene of carnage, only find dd lying on the bed face down yelling and nothing else untoward except the fallen curtains. Why didn't she just come and say "mummy, my curtains have fallen down" ?

These dramatic incidents occur at least once a day, and at school. it's not just the dramatic ones either, other small things lead to bouts of tears that other kids just seem to deal with.

I have really lost patience and sympathy with her this morning and told her that there will be no sweets tonight (her once a week treat). She is now mortified! (lots more wailing and hysterics). I feel silly punishing her for crying but how else can I stop this behaviour- when she is happy she is a very happy, confident child- she seems to just melt when anything goes wrong.

I slightly lost it with extremely whiney DD (3) this morning and said if she didn't stop whinging, she could got to her room until she cheered up. Worked surprisingly well - she stopped at once and gave me a watery smile!

Her latest retort is 'that's it, I'm leaving you. I'm going and I'm not coming back'.

I offer to bring her Trunki down so she can pack and she gives me a very fierce glare

My 3.5 year old DS is like this! Especially when tired. So definitely not a girl thing.

We also get wails of 'everybody hates me/everyone is annoying me/everybody is mean to me/ and today for the first time 'do you still love me?' choked out inbetween sobs. The tears literally spurt out of his eyes and soak his top!! And this can be because I ask (not shout or yell) him not to do something or because he dropped a bit of food or he has a tiny bit of fingernail peeling off.

The reaction I aim for is to tell him fairly sternly that I won't deal with whatever problem it is until he calms down enough to talk to me about it instead of shrieking and wailing. Then I praise him if he manages it. The sobs of everybody hating him etc I tend to just reassure him that people can tell him off without it meaning that they don't love him etc.

But I admit I do fall short of this and end up yelling at him sometimes cos it's just so bloody annoying!!

DD has just picked up 'I don't love you' so now I get 'I don't love you when you take me to nursery/wash my hair' etc. She is a diva.

"Aren't you just describing sensitive children? No point getting angry with them.

DS had a major hissy fit earlier because his banana broke. That was just one of his many daily tantrums.

Just offer plenty of reassurance"

It's not as simple as that though, annoyingdevil - if it was just a case of recognising sensitivity and providing reassurance, then there would be no problem. And of course there is no point in getting angry with them, but sometimes after a long day of meltdowns and screaming, when nothing you say or do helps, and the little person you adore and love and try to provide reassurance for, stamps their foot and tells you they don't like you, they just want daddeeeeeeeeeeeee.....well patience can start to wear a little thin.

DD(3.5) is a bit that way inclined and gets very unsympathetic "first stop the silly noise" reactions from DH and I but this has yet to stop her telling us about minute cuts which happened days ago. She is already falling foul of the 'crying wolf' thing though - last week she had been up and sobbing about one thing and another before I noticed that she was shivering and realised that she actually had a significant fever and the aches and pains were, for once, real . I have also started reacting to "Mummy it hurts if I do X" with "well, don't do X then".

DGoddaughter (6) is this way inclined too and her mother is desperate for the school to stop pandering to it.

No real answers - just empathy!

Oh dear this sounds exactly like my DD1 who is 4.5 - I do find it mortifying when it happens in public over nothing. I agree it's worse if she's tired. But she has always been very senstive, highly strung and emotional since birth. I seem to have produced another one in DD2 who is 11 months and cries at books or toys that make noises. DD1, went through a phase of shouting 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!' if she wasn't getting what she wanted. She's stopped now, much to my disappointment because it was very funny (didn't laugh in front of her of course). She now just shouts I HATE YOU instead. Not as funny.
She'll scream/cry/run away at any insects, wind, snails - which I find hysterical watching her RUN from a snail in case it comes after her! Wow I sound really mean but I DO try to be sympathetic but it's very hard.

My DD (just gone 4) is another one.. It is very reassuring to read this thread!

We also get the wails when she can't find her teddy who is just beside her on the floor.. when her brother comes near her if she is drawing..

We've just had MELODRAMA at bed time because Daddy is away for work tonight..

It really gets my goat as she's very mature about some things and in general very articulate. She just seems to block sometimes.

It's interesting to see similarities here.. She was also a colicy baby and I have often wondered if there is any connection..

I read The Highly Sensitive child recently (as she scored very high on the test ) and it has helped (me!) with some aspects.. HAs anybody else explored this area?

I know exactly how you all feel too.

Dd (now 2.10) was also highly sensitive from birth. It is and always will be her character to not be an impulsive rough and tumble, laugh-it-off type of gal. But I don't want to change that, she's gorgeous with it.

The rest (that is the emotional over reactions to stuff) is learned behaviour, and its about control.

Because she was always a fretful baby, I was always more sensitive to her, and did the textbook reassurance thing. So at age 2.5 what had developed was a child who whenever was even a millimetre out of her comfort zone would scream the place down with almost hyperventilation included because that would guarantee an undivided attention response from me.

She is so much better now, but sadly, no pain no gain.

I had to let her do the screamy thing while I put on a bored face and told her when she had calmed down THEN she could have a cuddle, and then turn my back.

baby crying gotta go.

Ive laughed at (with - disclaimer ) these, as you could be describing my DD.

Even at a very young age she was very sensitive (about a few weeks old) she took exception at dairy cows, the black and white ones and would scream the place down if any were to appear on TV, cue frantic switching over at the cravendale advert. At 21 months now, I have to hoover about 5 times a day, incase she spots any fluff on the floor, which if spotted would end up in a hysterical screaming fit. Same goes with other toddlers brushing past her, if some grass is on her, if I dont give her the RIGHT kind of cup she wants, even though she cant tell me. Its exhausting. I feel like a longsuffering PA to a very demanding superstar.

I'm another one who is reassured by this thread. DD (6yrs) can be terribly over-dramatic at times. Wierd because she was a really happy toddler albeit with a strong will - this is a fairly recent development.

I find it's a difficult balance to strike -

you want to "acknowledge their feelings" and provide reassurance yet at the same time not over-react to things that aren't worthy of a reaction

With dd some of the things that have worked some of the time are:

• simply asking her not to react so dramatically because "Mummy thought you were seriously hurt etc etc" - really taking time and trouble to explain this thoroughly - Matilda story etc ....

• asking her to try and count to five before screaming or reacting - try to breathe slowly and think instead

• asking her to "please rephrase that without shouting"

• using humour (usually works) without being sarcastic or revving up situation - exaggeration works well -

• trying to get her to focus on what she can DO about situation, rather than just reacting to it ie carefully open window to let bee out etc ...

• last resort "well you are probably very tired if you are finding that so painful/upsetting etc etc ... time for an early night" (that one usually works tbh!!)

• sometimes just a fairly sharp "you are absolutely fine" does the job ....

On reflection, I think dd's anxiety levels pretty much correlate to how much sleep (or not) she has had ....

This is a really interesting thread - my 5.8 YO DD is another diva and as a couple of others have described was very colicky from birth. Have just had a conversation with her teacher today about her sensitivity, although she joins n with rough and tumble games when it suits her and is very confident with children she knows well and with adults.

No advice I'm afraid but will watch with interest.

PS pmsl at 'broken banana' !

dd2 (almost 5) has been like this for the last few months or so- nice to know she is not the only one. She screams so loudly and sounds as if she has severed a limb for the smallest of reasons. When I ask her to calm down she says "I just don't know how to stop crying!"

She isn't a drama queen in any other way. In fact she is a great wee thing most of the time- happy to play, gets on great at nursery, been for school induction happily, with no problem- just these almost daily incidents at home. She does have a temper, and I sometimes think it is more an expression of frustration/ rage than upset. I tend to find she is best left to calm down, then I talk to her afterwards, but I am hoping it is something she will grow out of!

How interesting- it seems that lots of 'sensitive' children started off as 'colicky' babies. I don't really believe in colic, but my dd did cry a lot, and loudly, and was very hard to calm down- if I wasn't there within 2 minutes of her crying she would be hysterical.

I often think now, when she gets so upset over small things, that this was the case when she was a baby too- there was probably nothing really wrong with her, she reacted more than other babies- that was all. At the time though we used to worry lots, and had her investigated for reflux, and the HVs were constantly suggesting she was collicky. I don't think so.

Joolyjooly I'm amazed because you could be describing my dd - down to a tee

She even says exactly the same thing about not knowing how to stop (less often now thankfully but that happens when she has orked herself up into a state over nothing)!! And she only does it at home too - she is an angel at school & everywhere else ...

Also works best if I leave her alone to calm down - absolutely NO reasoning with her when she is in the middle of a tantrum ....

I guess we should be grateful that they confine their foot stamping to home territory

Mine too...

What a nice support thread!

Oh, I could have written the OP, and have been thinking about starting a thread about this myself. My DD (5) is like this, and has been for a while. Everything's a drama, she takes everything so much to heart, and is terrified of being told off. I have no idea why as, OK, we might shout a bit sometimes, but we've never been smackers, or done anything to lead her to believe that she isn't loved, even if we're cross.

I don't know how to handle it!

Right, going to read responses to OP now, I know I should have done that first, and I usually do, but it struck such a chord!

Anyone know the story "Six Dinner Sid" about a cat who, without its owners knowing, lives with lots of different families? Well, clearly my DD1 is Six Dinner Girl - she lives with lots of you. Had thought about starting a thread like this myself. She too was colicky and screamy from birth - wouldn't be put down, demanded constant attention. I often speculate about whether this was cause or effect or the behaviour she exhibits now.

I worry about it impacting on her friendships. Everyone from her school plays on the park after school and I see them all starring at her meltdowns when not allowed sweets etc.

I realise I sometimes make it worse by getting cross when calm ignoring works better.

OMG! So many of us!! I googled 'The Highly Sensitive Child' and it looks good, but not available at my county libraries. But the adult version (hah, imagining rudey pictures!) The Highly Sensitive Person is, so I'm going to get it out.

I'm very sensitive and always have been , and think dd is just the same. Thing is, I still have a lot of resentment about the way my family have always treated it (impatience, mocking - still to this day, anger) and I don't want this to hang over dd's life the way it has mine (see? melodrama!!!).

When I'm not tired and fed up with it all I give her an incredulous 'where did this some from?' look and say 'I can't talk to you until you've calmed down', but I'm tired and fed up most of the time , so she gets a lot of 'oh for goodness' sake, get a grip' type stuff that I can practically hear coming out of my mouth in my mum's voice!

I have had an idea- we are using dds star chart and I am giving her stars for 'being brave"- have told her that if she can be brave and come and tell me calmly when something goes wrong, then she can have a star- if she gets one every day then I will let her choose a reward at the end of the week- seems to be working so far - gave her one yesterday for going in the room with a fly instead of quivering outside the door.

sounds like you've answered yourself, picking her up as a baby the second she howled.!!!!!!! just completely ignore totally. then when she is calm perhaps tell her that BIG girls dont carry on like that.

I don't think I responded any quicker than anyone else would to my baby- but her cries always escalated quicker than other babies and she took longer to calm- looking back I am sure it was nothing we did- like other posters on here she seems to be (and always has been) very sensitive, drives me mad, and sure she drives staff at school crazy too.

Must add that dd1 was also very colicky as a baby, she also gets very tired, which obviously makes the whinginess/sensitivity worse.

When dd1 was a baby, she would vomit if left to cry for any period of time, so not going to her when she cried wasn't really an option. Also whilst I accept that some of her behaviour is melodrama, a lot of it is genuine fear, (songbird, she is also terrified of being told off).

Prechool is a big problem at the moment, she is scared of going, and she won't talk about why.

"I don't really believe in colic"

Same here with being sick!

By saying I don't really believe in colic- in my experience, and after chatting to other mums, it seems to be something that is just used to describe a baby who cries a lot.