Should 4 year old go to Grandpa's wake and funeral and see dead body?

[JHF]

Grandpa passed away early Sunday after a week or so in hospital with end stages lung disease.

4 year old son and 18 month old daughter visited him at hospital before he died when he had fairly heavy oxygen masks on. Son said he was afraid. We didn?t go back in the next day or so but he said twice that he thought the masks were making Grandpa ill not better. Obviously reassured him opposite was true. A day later he spontaneously asked to see Grandpa .... I said he could but asked if he would feel afraid. He said he would be afraid but he wanted to go none the less. We did it was a nice few days. Grandpa was in good form and they communicated well over the equipment and had fun. Then he went on life support and we did not bring kids in as the hospital didn?t allow it and it really was too disturbing visually in my view. Before he died I told my son he likely would and asked if he understood he said he did but 'I don?t want to do what you're saying daddy'. Code for I don?t want to hear this. I dropped it. A day later he died. I told him. He said he understood. We didn?t discuss it further. He hasn?t asked any more. Both grandfather and grandson had a nice relationship ? spoke regularly on the phone and grandparents come three or four times a year and spend a month or more.

Tomorrow is the wake and day after is funeral. I have really no idea how to handle. Books on the market to advise on this are really crap. If he was younger he'd be oblivious. If he was a little older we could rationalise and explain it better. The best advise seems to be to be blunt but short ? don?t sugar coat in abstract stuff about the spirit, the soul and heaven as kids that age have difficulty understanding these abstract things.

So what to do about the arrangements? Should we let him see his Grandpa in the casket so he understands and has closure and possibly even a positive, life affirming understanding of death or is the exposure an unnecessary trauma? Should he go to the funeral? I'm erring on skipping the wake but taking him to funeral.

Any practical advice on how to talk to 4 year olds about this stuff and how to manage small kids and funerals much appreciated.

Sorry for your loss

Not sure I'd go for the open casket myself
I'd expect the wake to be fine

Funeral could be okay but if long and boring it can be hard to manage small kids alongside your grief

I took a toddler & a 3 yo to a cremation and wake but it was quite small and short
Luckily they didn't ask too many questions but we had prepared our answers just in case

If you believe in spirit/soul/heaven then you should go with that explanation imho

I don't think it would be beneficial to see grandpa in his coffin. Dead people don't look like living people. The spark has gone.
Go to the funeral and wake but don't look at grandad. it won't be beneficial at all I don't think.

I agree on not letting him see his Grandpa in the coffin - way too confusing and doesn't look like the real person any more.

I'm not keen on small children at funerals but that's partly just the way I was brought up and partly because they don't understand why everyone else is sad.

Wake - shouldn't be a problem at all.

There is a book - I don't know what it's called - about helping small children come to terms with death. Will try to find out, apparently it is helpful.

ok, have scanned through old threads and here is one book that helped a 5yo who had lost her Daddy. It's a story for children.

this one is more for adults to help explain to children about death in general.

this is a book from Winston's Wish that might be too late for your DS, since his Grandpa has already passed, but there might be other useful stuff on the site that could help you.

this one has 5star reviews throughout so I expect it is good too!

If you don't want to buy them, try the local library - I'm sure they'd have a selection.

Sorry you're all going through this - it's a hard time.

Hi J,
At the age of 8 I went to see my uncle when we had lost my aunt. (We were very close.)
I didn't know she was in the front room in the coffin & as little girls do, wandered in when everyone was in the other room. I saw (& sat with) my aunt & found it rather hard to deal with for a while afterwards. (had a few bad dreams etc & can still remember the day in detail even now at the age of 37.)
I went to the wake (which was after the funeral at our house) but didn't want to go to the funeral because of the day before.
I think a 4 yr old would find it hard, & I agree thumbwitch - it's a different person in the coffin than the one the child is used to seeing. However, children still need to say goodbye, & need to be given the opportunity, so a funeral & wake may be the chance to do that. - You know your son best. Good luck & sorry for your loss.
x

No to the wake (seeing a dead body is upsetting even to an adult, especially the dead body of someone you knew alive). But definitely yes to the funeral, as that is everyone's chance to remember the person when they were living, celebrate their lives and say their own goodbyes in their own ways. I remember being colossally upset at 6 to be left out of this important process when my Grandfather died. Just be prepared for possible inappropriate questions asked in an over-loud voice! My two sons (6 and 4) coped fine with their Great Grandmother's funeral service: they definitely didn't get nightmares, didn't get upset, and enjoyed listening to peoples' memories of her, despite their mother being in floods of tears in front of them at one point...

Sorry for your bereavement. No I wouldn't think it OK for a 4 yr old to see a dead body though. I went to see my mum's body when I was 9, it was left up to us whether we went or not. My brother, then aged 12 opted not to. I have always wished I had stayed with my brother. Was just the most traumatic and distressing situation I have ever been in. It was terrifying and no way would I let my child go through that. Far too much for a child to process imo.

I wouldn't let a child see a dead body- a funeral yes.
Hope everything goes well.

rabbitstew, do you have a different definition of what the wake is? For me, and apparently others on this thread, it is after the funeral, so the body wouldn't be there.

So sorry for your loss.

I would say not to let your little boy see the body. It is something which is very hard to deal with (I saw my gran's body last year when she died, it was incredibly traumatic). I think it may confuse him, he has found it difficult to deal with so far.

To be honest I think i would take him to the funeral bit (but not necessarily the bit where the body is interred/cremated), and to the family get together afterwards. But no, not the open casket bit.

I personally wouldn't let your DS see Grandpa.My sister died in September and my DD (4) was desperate to see her as they were SO close.
I decided against it and am glad I did.
I did however,get DD to decorate her Auntie's coffin-it was a wicker one and had all sorts of crap lovely things stuck on it.She didn't come to the service itself either as I didn't want her to see 100+ people crying (sister was only 3).A friend had her in the carpark and she saw the coffin arrive,then had a picnic in the car (during the service) and then jond us outside the crematorium for dove release and looking at the flowers.At the "do" afterwards,she was in her element and really lifted everyone's spirits.
Good luck with whatever you do and sorry for your loss.

Sorry-sister was 36 (not "3")

I personally wouldn't let DS see Grandpa. My DS was 4 when we lost my FIL 18 months ago. He was with us for all of the day of the funeral, came in the car with us to the service and to the wake afterwards. However, we had arranged for a good friend of ours (who he was familiar with) to take him to the park whilst we went inside for the actual funeral service. They then joined us after for the 'milling' around bit.

It worked for us, he was included in the day and saw that we were all upset etc but didn't have to see anything that may have upset him too much.

However, our DN who is the same age went to the service and that was fine too.

I think you must do whatever you feel is right for your child. Also, I don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing things in this instance - just different ways.

Sorry for your loss.

Thumbwitch, in answer to your question, if you read the original poster's mail, he specifically says that tomorrow is the wake and the day after the funeral.

ps I therefore assumed that the "wake" as described was the night before where the coffin is left open for people to pay their respects and the day after is the funeral, when the coffin cover is on, so you don't get to see the body.

I would let your DS see his grandpa. Slightly different but my DS1 saw his baby brother and kissed him goodbye and held him. If you prepare you DS and make sure to talk to him about it afterwards there's no need for it to be something that upsets him.

Sorry for your loss.

My father died earlier this year. I went to the chapel of rest to see him and he looked so different that even I didn't believe it was him at first. So I wouldn't take children, particularly young ones. Too distressing.

But to the funeral, yes, absolutely. We took 3yo DS (and 12yo and 10yo DDs), we had a friend on hand to take him out if he got restless. He didn't really understand what was going on, but he remembers it and I am glad he was there so we can talk about it again when he has a better understanding of death.

So sorry for your loss, I hope you find the right way to handle this for your family.

My father in law died when my son was two and a half, a year ago - he died in a hospice. My son sat with us with the body just a few hours after death, to say goodbye - the hospice advised that this was a good idea, they encouraged it if parents thought he child would cope - the scene was very peaceful and in the long run I think it will help my son in dealing with death, to have seen it in as positive a way as is possible, a body looking free of pain and peaceful, it was not traumatic or fearful. But a body prepared for burial is different, other posters are right, its not the natural context that we were able to provide for our son. Definately I think children should not be excluded from funerals as this will make them confused and feel unwanted, but the actual ceremony is hard for them to understand, it depends on what the ceremony and building are like - our son came to the venue but my mother took him out a few minutes in as the space was small and he was the only child and his inevitable running commentary/questsions would have been distracting and possibly disturbing to others. But he did come to the actual burial as that was outside and so he did not distract others and it felt natural for a child to be there.

In general I would try and see it from the childs point of view and how would it feel to be excluded and find a way to include them. Also I'd say that there's no way of avoiding the reality of it, children will have to deal with death in their lives, and it will be really useful to them to have seen it dealt with in the best way you can.

Not to the body. But yes to the funeral. OK to see crying and good to be included in saying goodbye. Children are good at funerals - ours came to the party - which is what it was - for my mum's and both in laws. They lift the spirit and remind you that life is constantly renewed.

Sorry to hear you have lost your dad/FIL?

My MIL's funeral was on Friday. She was a lovely lady. Very distressing - only took the two teenagers not the two little ones but I still didnt have enough arms for them and DH. I couldnt have coped with him AND four sobbing children.

My four year old is having difficulty coming to terms with dying as he has realised that if she can die he can too and he doesnt want to - even when he is old. The only thing I have found that comforts him is the idea of reincarnation - we have had long detailed discussions over just HOW good you have to be to come back as a person and HOW bad to be a spider. It has helped a lot.

I havent said that is how it is but that some people believe it and tbh if he wants to hang on to that belief whilst he is a child I am happy for him to do so. I remember the awful black chasm I faced as a child when I realised I would die (although I was much older than he is) and I didnt feel I could talk to anyone about it - it was just too awful to say it out loud. I would have given anything for someone to take that feeling away.

I am very glad he is talking to me about it. Just have to get DD3 who has been oddly and uncharacteristically silent on the matter out of her shell now...

I am so sorry for your loss

My dad died 2 weeks ago Monday (the 5th) and we had the funeral last Wednesday (God was it really only a week ago? It feels like forever!)

My son is just turned 5. He saw his grandad in the hospital and had lovely cuddles and chats 3 days before dad died, at which point we had no idea at all that he was going to do die just that he was really poorly

I couldnt have DS at the funeral, as much for me as for him, but we had the coffin brought into the church the afternoon before and DS came along then (closed casket for definite!!) and laid the bible and crucifix on the coffin and prayed with us, then went to his dad's until the following lunchtime when he came back to the church just as we got back from the crem. Everyone else was still at the church waiting for us to get back and he enjoyed the 'party' to celebrate granddad's life, but I dont think he would have benefited from the full funeral and I wouldnt have coped with having him there

Again I am so sorry for your loss. I still feel so numbed by it all and am at the randomly bursting into tears stage

Sorry that you've lost a loved one.

I would say yes to both the casket and the funeral. Death isn't strange or startling, it's extraordinarily natural and to hide away from it encourages fear.

I have always brought my DD to any funeral as I think she wanted to day goodbye to the LO.
I remember being excluded from a funeral of a dear uncle when I was a child and my last memory of him is of him in agony, dying, so I feel strongly that a child also needs to say goodbye, and it's better for their mental health to see the body at peace also.

HTH, and sorry again.

Ah yes rabbitstew, I have re-read the op now and see your point. In which case, as the op has said the 'wake' is prior to the funeral and the body will be there, then no. I wouldn't let him go where he can see the body.

Thanks everyone. In the end, yes, we took him to the funeral services but not to the wake to see the body. I'm very comfortable this was the best decision.

I have to say ... maybe an opportunity here for someone to write a book. Confronting young children with a dead body to confirm finality of death seems excessive. On the other hand sugar coating with talk of heaven, God etc is a level of abstract thought that I think young children would struggle with at the least and at worst risks leaving them with a lot of confusion because you cant really see how they interpret and internalize it.

Anyway -- we definitely told him he was 'dead' so he understood that he wasnt just 'away'. He was exposed to the grief and the launghter and reminisence. He got to put a flower on the casket and he did read back to us a rudimentary understanding. That seemed more then enough for a 4 year old to confront.

Thanks everyone again --- it was genuinely very helpful and, as it turned out,it was practically the only resource available to us.

Sorry for your loss.

I have always been one for letting kids see funerals so that they understand the end of life as a celebration.

Having said that, I took DD age 4 to her grandpa's funeral and she behaved apallingly (not her fault really, afternoon time, she was confused, it was hot etc). I had taken books and colouring things but nothing worked. She was blowing raspberries at the vicar (and she is generally really quite a sweet kid - not an angel but fairly well behaved), What made it ten times worse was that we were in the front row and there was no way to slink out. Her little sister joined in and to be frank it was one of the worst half hours of my life.

If you have someone who can look after any other kids or someone who can take your child out if he starts to act up (kids do pick up on adult stress on these occasions) then go for it. If it is just you, then sit somewhere where you can just slip out if need be.