Grandpa passed away early Sunday after a week or so in hospital with end stages lung disease.
4 year old son and 18 month old daughter visited him at hospital before he died when he had fairly heavy oxygen masks on. Son said he was afraid. We didn?t go back in the next day or so but he said twice that he thought the masks were making Grandpa ill not better. Obviously reassured him opposite was true. A day later he spontaneously asked to see Grandpa .... I said he could but asked if he would feel afraid. He said he would be afraid but he wanted to go none the less. We did it was a nice few days. Grandpa was in good form and they communicated well over the equipment and had fun. Then he went on life support and we did not bring kids in as the hospital didn?t allow it and it really was too disturbing visually in my view. Before he died I told my son he likely would and asked if he understood he said he did but 'I don?t want to do what you're saying daddy'. Code for I don?t want to hear this. I dropped it. A day later he died. I told him. He said he understood. We didn?t discuss it further. He hasn?t asked any more. Both grandfather and grandson had a nice relationship ? spoke regularly on the phone and grandparents come three or four times a year and spend a month or more.
Tomorrow is the wake and day after is funeral. I have really no idea how to handle. Books on the market to advise on this are really crap. If he was younger he'd be oblivious. If he was a little older we could rationalise and explain it better. The best advise seems to be to be blunt but short ? don?t sugar coat in abstract stuff about the spirit, the soul and heaven as kids that age have difficulty understanding these abstract things.
So what to do about the arrangements? Should we let him see his Grandpa in the casket so he understands and has closure and possibly even a positive, life affirming understanding of death or is the exposure an unnecessary trauma? Should he go to the funeral? I'm erring on skipping the wake but taking him to funeral.
Any practical advice on how to talk to 4 year olds about this stuff and how to manage small kids and funerals much appreciated.