feeling very sad advice wanted

[Aliway]

Sorry this is a long one. Went to farm park today with 2 year old (3 years old in May) having lunch after looking around in the cafe attached to the park ds sees peacocks and goes off to chase them, I bring him back and sit him down just as I am about to leave he runs off to chase them again as I run to catch him with 1 year old in tow, I got shouted at by 3 mature females about my 'awful son' and how terrible/useless/ineffectual I was. It was so humiliating and distressing. Have had a few awful days with him emptying his dirty nappy and smearing it all over his room, throwing large objects at his bedroom door and breaking it, screaming an awful lot, very rough with his brother and adults and other children generally. I feel very much at the end of my tether. Has anyone any practical advice. I try not to shout but then lose my own cool when pushed hard. Time out resulted in the broken door problem. I pulled him from preschool for various reasons. Some changes have included me returning to work very much part time. Thanks in advance would be very grateful

I'm so sorry Aliway but I can't give advice as such but just wanted to say that I think those 3 women were out of order. My ds runs off the whole time when we're in the park when he sees something interesting. Surely that's just something that kids do. And the amount of mums (and dads) i see running quicker than they've ever run before chasing after them.

I'm sorry i can't give practical advice about the other issues however running off to see geese is just him being inquisitive.

I really hope things calm down for you.

sorry, peacocks not geese

Haven't got any practical advice as such but just wanted to say that those people sounded really horrible. . DD is 3 in July and is always doing that and laughing hysterically when I catch up with her. (I also have a 1 year old to keep an eye on too). We were in the restaurant at the zoo and she must have run off to the other side at least 8 times and nothing would stop her.
(Luckily she can't run very fast so I can catch her IF I see her. In fact isn't it a totally normal thing for that age to do and that is why we get annoyed with them because we lose sight of them and worry that they'll get into trouble?
Sorry- rambling but didn't want you to be down on yourself.

Thank you so much for posting there were 2 lovely ladies there who were very kind - my dh was at work so I was on my own too! I did ask one of them whether 1. she fancied taking him on and 2. whether she had some parenting advice for me - it all went a bit quiet on her front then.

Oh Aliway, I am sorry you are feeling so bad.
FWIW, those ladies were bang out of order and tbh, what was happing in the cafe sounds like normal toddler behaviour. Of course he doesn't want to sit and eat his lunch when there is a pretty bird to look at. Him running off does not mean that you are a bad mother or him a bad child.

The other bits don't sound too out of the ordinary either.
My ds1 will be 3 in august, so not too much of an age gap and we have been struggling with certain behaviour issues too.
I have no experience of the nappy thing, ds1 toilet trained when he turned 2 years.
But the pushing, hitting and general aggresive behaviours have been going on here for a while.
I have been doing all I could to try to instal some sort of discipline, set rules and so on and it is really hard to know how to handle these problems.

I am now reading a book called The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. It is SO good. It is really helping both me and my ds1. I have started parenting from a slightly different angle and the change in my son is amazing!!
Basically it talks about positive praise and ways of communicating in a more positive manner, editing thoughts before you speak, and it has really got me thinking about what my ds1 needs.
he is a very difficult child and needs very close parenting and the methods and ideas in this book are working wonders with him.
I'm feeling more in control and ds1 seems alot happier.

I don't know whether or not you're interested in hearing more, or if I'm talking complete crap, but I will grab a link to the website and if you want me to carry on waffling, I can

remember you are not alone in having a troublesome toddler.

the 3 was out of order

the incredible years site

I'm sure as well that everyone else there was thinking those 3 were total witches

Those women sound awful. Good for you for standing up to one of the nosy bitches them.

It sounds like he is lashing out a bit at the moment, maybe attention seeking? I don't know what other changes you have going on. I know with my DS ( now 6 ), he's always been a challenge and I easily get stuck in the telling off rut. Its good for me to recognise this every now and again, and focus instead on the positive. Lots of praise for the behaviours you want to see, bribes/rewards for really good stuff. This may not apply for you of course, just commenting on it as it works for me.

And, you know what, if I had never seen a peacock before, I would keep running after it for another look, and I'm 42.

Thanks so much am feeling much more positive and thank you for the link. I have been reading 'parenting the spirited child' and have found that very affirming. What was so distressing was that I have a good support network and home life so when I came home crying I had someone to talk to, imagine if that scenario occurred to someone who had no family or close friends it could have been very damaging. Thanks again so much ...

Exactly Aliway. I really don't know why some people feel the need tocomment on things that don't concern them.
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.
The joys of mn

aliway - I sympathise totally I have been there. Hell, I'm still there. It's exhasting and demoralising and there are times when I want to leave home. DS#2 has put stress on our marriage and our other children. Life is chaotic largely thanks to him. But he gets better sometimes and then we realise what a gorgeous bright little boy he is. Hoping he will calm down one day....

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding your OP but some old bags gave out to you because a toddler was running about?

My DD has only just turned two and she loves nothing better than to run away from me and her Dad. "Running awaaaaaaay" she yells as she goes. It can be kind of annoying, but I try to build it into any trips we go on.

It has never occurred to me that it makes her a horrible child. How dare those mean ladies say that

Toddlers have bags of energy and get very cross because they don't really understand the world as well as they think they do.

He doesn't sound very unusual to me. Nor does feeling at the end of your tether sometimes.

OrmRenewed - I suggested my own flat, on my own when I was getting a shed load of parenting advice from him! I would'nt have lasted long as the hard times are really so desparetly (please excuse the typo) but the good times are just fantastic and the best time ever. SilveryMoon - I have just ordered the Incredible years book 3 day delivery really looking forward to it

When DD was tearing around London Zoo restaurant she was also shouting at the top of her voice "Done a big poo"- Wonder what they would have said to that

Him being my dear tolerant and patient long suffering DH!

tv I'm just waiting for that particular one from my DD1

Aliway That book is so good. As I'm reading it, I'm thinking "of course. How obvious is that" but for me, there are thinking processes in there which just aren't natural to me.
I've been at my copy with a highlighter so when I need to refer back to it, the bits I think are important stand out.

As a way to help my thinking, I'm wearing a band around my wrist which reminds me to think in a more positive light. So when ds1 is throwing himself around in Tesco and I'm thinking "he is such a sod. He always does this. he must hate me. Why can't I just buy a loaf of bread without all the drama. I am a terrible mother. And so on" it helps me to think "it's my job now to model behaviour and to teach him how to get through the shop. He needs help and reassurance. Why don't i give him a special job to make him feel needed."
I have nt shouted at ds1 for nearly a whole week!!

I have just ordered that book, after a horrible shouty afternoon with DS who's just turned 3. Aliway, those women sound thoroughly nasty and intrefering, and your son sounds like a perfectly normal, curious, excitd nearly-three-year-old (or as my friend calls mine, a threenager). Try not to let today get to you.

Silverymoon That sounds like a good idea about the highlighter and wristband (I too have had those supermarket thoughts) I think it is more about my self control and feeling better about myself. That is so fantastic that you haven't risen your voice to your little one I think (or in hopeful anticipation) that I would feel so much more confident in myself and my ability to be a good mummy to him without the shouting and negativity which leaves me feeling quite a failure and him frightened and distressed. I am really eager to modify my behavior and am really heartened to hear of your positive experiences. Mumsnet is so cool.

Thanks so much spiderlight, sorry to hear about your awful afternoon.

Hi no real advice either but totally agree about old hags - what even was their problem? That he ran off or that he ran after peacocks? I think he was good to only go after them twice!! My 14m old runs off all the time, he thinks it's the funniest most exciting thing in the world to be chased and is the worst pigeoon botherer... It never occurred to me that it was awful, there is enough to worry about, let's be honest!

Wanted to ask SilveryMoon - is that book good just for older kids or would it be good for me too - aforementioned 14m old is most definitely spirited, manageable currently but I get these visions of things spiralling in the future...!

Ali, that book has alot in it about our thoughts and behaviours. It's taught me to think. How can I expect ds1 to have any self control if I don't have any? It really has changed us. LordVol the book is a trouble shooting guide for parents of children 2 to 8. There's alot in there about teaching them problem solving skills, empathy, time out and teaching to recognise and regulate emotions so while most of that is a bit old for a 2 year old, it's useful to get certain habits in there now and to start thinking how future issues can and should be dealt with. I also have a 14month old and where I've learned how not to do it with ds1, ds2 will also benefit. I'd say the book is worth a read by anyone and everyone. Even child free families as it really gets you thinking about adult behaviour and the way we assume other peoples thoughts and feelings and all outcomes of communication difficulties. If you are unsure as to the relevance for your family, you could check if they have one at the library.

Im no super mum but I can advise you in my capacity as a nursery nurse.

Hes only 2 hes very young and wont 'get' actions and consequences thats why you need to keep reminding him,what behaviour you expect,why you expect it and how you will feel,in short sentences,ie-

Thomas in a bit,we are going to the park.

When we are there you need to hold on to the pushchair.

I need to see where you are because its dangerous.

We will have a good time at the park and I will smile and so will you,if you do what Mummy says you can have another go on the swings/packet of raisins/see Nanny.

All the way there talk about what will happen.

If he runs away Be cross be assertive say NO!!.

RE the poo smearing this could be a sign hes aware of poo and needs now to be introduced to using the loo to poo and flush away the poo.

Be confident and aware when you speak dont offer choices dont negotiate these are the rules he must stick to them.

Sounds like you are both having a very tough time.

In reply to the old ladies I would say I expect it seems a very long time ago your children were small...haha.

Thanks SilveryMoon, library is a good idea. And good luck Ali, altho I really think just ignore any silly old anyones in future if you possibly can! The vast majority of the rest will be sympathetic/empathetic to your plight!