feeling very sad advice wanted

[Aliway]

Sorry this is a long one. Went to farm park today with 2 year old (3 years old in May) having lunch after looking around in the cafe attached to the park ds sees peacocks and goes off to chase them, I bring him back and sit him down just as I am about to leave he runs off to chase them again as I run to catch him with 1 year old in tow, I got shouted at by 3 mature females about my 'awful son' and how terrible/useless/ineffectual I was. It was so humiliating and distressing. Have had a few awful days with him emptying his dirty nappy and smearing it all over his room, throwing large objects at his bedroom door and breaking it, screaming an awful lot, very rough with his brother and adults and other children generally. I feel very much at the end of my tether. Has anyone any practical advice. I try not to shout but then lose my own cool when pushed hard. Time out resulted in the broken door problem. I pulled him from preschool for various reasons. Some changes have included me returning to work very much part time. Thanks in advance would be very grateful

Hi Aliway,

sounds like you had really tough time. I want to give you some information that may be useful for you and you son. What you have been describing is not misbehavior or lack of control. It sounds to me like he may have a difficulty in the sensor system, this means that he has low sensitivity to touch, which means he looks to touch, push and kick things, because he doesn't get the same level of physical feedback like most people get when they touch things. Screaming is another sign, as they love noise. The smearing, throwing, breaking and problems and preschool are the signs I see. Children with this difficulty will seem to be rough to most people, but that's wrong of course.
The good news is that it is treatable and it does improve with age. Please read about SPD (sensor processing disorder) online and see if it matches your child. If it's correct, you will then need to get some assistance (occupational therapy and parent guidance). If this information doesn't seem to match your son, I still recommend you to go to see the health visitor and ask for family therapy, this behaviour can be stopped and should be before he enters school, it may be that for some reason you all got caught up in a difficult communication. a Family therapist once helped us in only 3 sessions with our daughter's difficulties!
I have two children with SPD (but the opposite way, over-sensitivity to touch) and they improved a lot. That's how I learnt so much about this. Please do not hesitate to ask me questions, I would love to help.
Best wishes,
Emma

EmmaMe I just looked at a website about SPD, and although it looks very interesting and i will be looking at it closer later on, are all the behaviours described not just the standard 'terrible 2's' stuff which is what i think my ds1 has and what possibly Ali's 2 yo has?
There are lots of things in there that my children 'suffer' with.
The tags being uncomfortable on clothes for one. I have had to cut tags out of ds1's tops, but then also out of my tops as I hate that feeling too.
My ds1 is quite a fussy eater, but i have also read (on here I think) that most toddlers will only favour 3/4 foods anyway and that is quite normal.
Ds2 who is 14 months is a terrible cryer. I find it very hard to calm him most of the time, but I put that down to a lack of attention. Where ds1 needs alot of focus atm, ds2 can be 'left to his own devises' at times. But then he is at an age where I believe seperation anxiety is also normal. He is 14 months.

old bags! sorry that you were made to feel sad - just think of them as aged lemonsuckers and let it go.
Re the behaviour thing - my DS is only 2.4 and is pushing boundaries quite hard at the moment - the only thing I am finding works at the moment (and I'm sure it won't soon) is walking off and leaving him (usually in the bathroom to be fair, that's where he's at his naughtiest) with the door pulled to.

But as I said, I'm fairly sure new strategies will be needed soon.

Have an unMNly (((hug))) anyway - you sound like you need one!

thumbwitch My ds1 (2.8yrs) has a time out spot in the hallway by the front door, he is at the point where he is refufing to sit there, so I tell him if he can't do a time out there, then he will have to sit in my bedroom (safer than bathroom), if he creates and makes lots of noise then I tell him I am going to close the door and onlky when he calms down can he come back and play.

thanks silverymoon, will remember that one. Our bathroom is, bizarrely enough, safer than the bedroom (and a lot smaller of course) - plus it's a lot less fun being left in there by himself than in the bedroom, where the bed is (we have lots of games involving the bed)

Must look into getting hold of that book as well...

Lol. if i left my ds1 in the bathroom, he'd have all the taps on and his head in the toilet bowl. he is a monkey.

Here, the time out isn't really about punishment (although it does obviously remove him from the main room) but more on giving him his own space tgo think about what he is doing. He doesn't have to sit still, but if he makes a mess he has to tidy it before he can come out.

SilveryMoon many children can show sometimes sensitivity to things and the opposite, like many children sometimes don't eat something and it doesn't mean they have a eating disorder. It's the combination of symptoms, how often you get them, and how it effects daily life. My children first cried a lot as young babies and hated strangers for 2 motnhs of age, they didn't like to get dirty at all (no finger paintings etc.), hated to get their face wet, hated to go barefoot, one was a terrible eater (everything had to be cooked separately), but worse of all they were very worried about children getting close and touching them, which meant they avoided playing out! they were always very gentle and quite fearful. That was the worst bit. they also hated noise, so no parties and shows for them. We worked on this and they are now fine with children and parties, and they only complain about their socks or cloth's label here and there, so I am very happy. But SPD can be the other way - children that need more touch, so they get messy, push, chase, break. I have been studying this subject for the last few years and I can tell you that it is more common than you think. In fact it can explain many cases of toddlers who hit and bite at preschool. No behavioural method alone will help them, they need activities involved with rough touch to eliminate their seeking behaviour.

EmmaMe Interesting.
Lots of what you mentioned there sounds like me! I hate being bare-foot. It's only the past 5/6 years that I've had different foods touching (like pasta to my mince sauce in bolognese or rice and curry), I cannot get water on my face at all. The wettest my face gets is if I'm out and it rains. I do not like to be touched.
Although my ds1 has issues, it's pretty clear you are talking of extreme.
I'm still going to have a look at that website again later though. All looks really interesting.

Oh, and I hate being in complete silence. Everything has to be on and it has to be loud.
Dp says I talk very loud too.

Ds1 hates having anything yucky on his hands. Although he will do finger painting and things, I do have to frequently clean his hands.
He gets quite distressed if he has paint or jam or snot or anything like that on his hands. He is a little ohbsessed with washing them, but I just thought the novelty would wear off at some point soon.

SilveryMoon I found that behind every sensitive child there is usually a sensitive mum . What I forgot to mention is that the behaviour of the oversensitive (hyper) child is what we all call 'shy', but it's actually 'don't touch me or make too much noise around me'.
The ones with SPD who are hypo-sensitive will commonly referred to as 'disruptive' and even 'aggressive' but actually say 'I don't feel much, I need to touch hard'.

...going to prepare dinner....
Emma

get hold of 'the incredible years' book it will help.... all sounds v normal toddler type stuff- nothing 'sensitive' about it imo

Nickschick I am very appreciative of your advice it seems very sensible. I think maybe my expectations of him can be too high at times. An update- we had a wonderful day a lovely walk in the countryside and ds had a 2 hour nap in the afternoon then helping with baking in the afternoon (grin)

Thank you to everyone who has posted it has been great and has made such a difference to share