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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Your son's a theif - but don't tell him I told you. WWYD?

43 replies

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 10:46

My friend's son told her that a group of four boys, including my ds, stole some chocolate from a local Tesco express. They are all 10. One particular boy was the leader apparently. The boy who told was very upset and confessed to his mum he allowed them to use his bag to put the stolen stuff in. He's clearly very uncomfortable about the whole episode.

Anyway, my friend really doesn't want herself or her ds identified as the source. I can understand this as it would breach trust between her and her DS. It's so great that he told her let's face it. We were talking about this difficult kids, who's quite new in the area and has already made a bad impression on his teacher and on many of the parents. She nearly didn't tell me about the specific incident until I said, 'Aw G'wan!' enough times.

However, naturally I'm very worried, annoyed, and want to deal with this swiftly and as well as I can.

I was already worried about the boy who's reportedly the leader. He has been back to my house a few times after school with DS. They play out together even though this kids lives over a mile away. He hangs around saying he doesn't have to be home until 8pm. I've sent him home earlier in the past because it's dark and I worried. He's so cocky and seems way older than he actually is.

So, given that I have this information I need to act on, but I don't want to betray the confidence of my friend or her ds, how should I proceed?

Thanks.

OP posts:

elmofan · 06/04/2010 11:06

oh this is a hard one , i take it you want to deal with your son being involved in the stealing without telling him it was his friend that told (is that right ? )
if this is the case i would try bringing it up in conversation maybe while you are preparing dinner that you have heard a rumour that some children have stolen from xxx shop & that the description you were given sounds very familiar etc all the while looking at your ds . thats what i do with my 11yr old ds & it works every time then i would try keeping some distance between your son & this boy tbh as he is not a good influence .

cornsilk · 06/04/2010 11:08

Maybe tell him a 'story'you heard of some boys who were caught shoplifting sweets and were prosecuted as they were at the age of criminal responsibility.

MathsMadMummy · 06/04/2010 11:09

hmm. maybe a generic conversation about "sometimes others are doing stuff you know is wrong, but that doesn't mean you have to join in..."?

castille · 06/04/2010 11:13

Give him an opportunity to confess before confronting him with what you know.

Talk about peer pressure in a general sense, perhaps specifically about this boy, see what gives.

If nothing is forthcoming, I'd use elmofan's tactic, but speak to your friend first, tell her that you need to address this but you might have to revealing your sources, because if you don't it might take the focus off what they did and on how you found out, at least as far as your DS is concerned.

Seeing parents angry and concerned enough to break confidences might help them see the error of their ways and distance themselves from this boy.

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 06/04/2010 11:15

I think telling him you've heard that there has been this incident at the shop and that the shop have released descriptions and are looking for the children involved is a good one.

If it was me I'd be tempted to say I'd seen CCTV footage on the local news and you know it was him! Its a shame he's 10 and not 9 as if he was under the age of criminal responsibility you could get the local PCSO to come and give him a stern talking to but as he's 10 they might make it all a bit too official.

If its any consolation I rememeber this been quite normal behaviour in my peer group at this age, we used to pinch gum from Woolies and stuff and it didn't last long. It was more of a "dare" situation than actually wanting the gum. But obviously you need him to stop it before he does get caught.

Original poster

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 11:31

Thanks. I hadn't thought of the CCTV idea or the 'I've heard reports'. Very good. I may leave it a few days to ensure protection of my source as he might put two and two together as she was here last night.

OP posts:

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 11:33

I would say the manager phoned you and wants to know you'll deal with it so he doesn't go to the Police.

Original poster

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 11:38

Would you really Mrsforhowlong? I couldn't do that. I can't lie. How can I expect honesty from him if I lie?

OP posts:

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 11:40

You either want to lie or betray....

abbierhodes · 06/04/2010 11:41

Others beat me to it, but I would definitely go with telling him that Tesco have phoned and are considering prosecution. Put the fear of God into him for a few days. I honestly think that's the only way to deal with something like this...nip it in the bud.

itsmeitsmeolord · 06/04/2010 11:42

Um but isn't the cctv idea lying as well?? Or the "I've heard reports" is lying by omission?

Surely, at times it is better to tell a "white lie" to bring some good out of a situation than to rigidly stick to your moral code.

Not that your moral compass is wrong, but in this case, it's the only real option is it not?

elmofan · 06/04/2010 11:45

spidermama i would not leave it for a few days tbh , if you go to that shop today & get something the minute you get home i would bring the subject up saying that everyone in xxx shop is talking about these boys who have stolen & that they are very disappointed that local children could do such a thing , then if you get no response from your ds i would continue with the manager is giving out descriptions of these children etc , once your ds owns up i would sit him down & explain that he is now at an age to be held accountable for his actions with the police . i know it seems harsh but you want to nip this in the bud now .

abbierhodes · 06/04/2010 11:46

X-posts there, but I really think a lie in thee circumstances is well worth it.

If I choose to lie to my children, I ask myself how they'd feel about it when they were older and found out the truth. In this instance, if you're telling this story when he's 25(and hopefully hasn't commited a crime since!) surely he'll just be glad you did something drastic to put him off.

castille · 06/04/2010 11:48

You can put the fear of God into him without blatant lies. Because you are right, if he finds out you have fabricated details you will lose credibility in his eyes, despite his crime being worse than yours.

I'd speak to your friend first, see if she understands why you might need to reveal your sources.

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 11:51

to reveal your sources is really shitty and the other boy, the moral one, could lose all of his friends.....much eorse than a white lie.

AnAngelWithin · 06/04/2010 11:55

its a tough one. We are having trouble with ds (nearly 11) who I know has been stealing money from me, stuff out of the cupboards, even match attax cards I bought for him and his brother 'cos he wanted them' I know it seems a bit trivial, but I am really worried about it escalating into a situation such as yours. My friend suggested asking a community support officer or policeman to come round and have a word with ds about consequences of this kind of behaviour.

I wouldn't let on who told you though, might cause more hassle in the long run.

stealthsquiggle · 06/04/2010 11:57

You can't reveal your source. The consequences would be awful for your friend's DS, for her relationship with him, and for her relationship with you.

I would go for 'heard rumours about X (the ringleader)' and ask DS if he has heard anything. If he doesn't take that blatant invitation to confess I would go on to say that you have heard "they" (the shop, or maybe the school?) are looking into it and into who else was involved. Hopefully your tangled web won't need to go any further than that before DS cracks.

Original poster

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 12:19

OK I've taken the advice most of you are giving on here and done a little bit of lying.

I said apparently the shop staff know stuff was taken by what they believe was a group of local children and they are currently trying to find out who. I felt terrible. He's probably crapping himself now.

I also talked about how the people who did it may not be aware that it's not a victimless crime. I said that staff might be suspected (his and rich a company it's never right to steal.

I even managed to get in the age of criminal responsibility whilst speculating about whether the groups was from primary or secondary school.

That should give him some food for thought.

So now what? Do I leave it at that? Am I looking for some kind of confession or is it OK to just let him mull it over and hope he doesn't do it again.

I won't be revealing my sources. Don't worry.

OP posts:

elmofan · 06/04/2010 12:29

i think you have done the right thing imho - i know its very hard but you are doing this for his own good . i am a bit surprised that he has not confessed straight away though ,
maybe leave it for a while - give him a few hours to think it all through , if it was me i would ask him out straight after a few hours if he was involved . if he lies to you then , tell him you know he was involved & hand out a punishment . (maybe threaten to take him to the police station) just to put the fear of them into him .

Original poster

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 13:09

elm I would be too afraid he'd work out how I knew. I don't feel I can just leave it like this. He doesn't seem overly unsettled tbh.

OP posts:

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 13:19

Ah....it's horrid but a terrible scare at 10 is much better than a 15 year old shop lifter. Consider your actions are for the greater good!

Give him a few hours and then ask him if he knows anything...

castille · 06/04/2010 13:19

If he doesn't confess...

Is he the kind of boy who will have been scared enough at the thought of being found out to not contemplate doing this sort of thing again?

Or will he thank his lucky stars he got away with it, think he is invincible and be drawn into more of the same by this other boy?

stealthsquiggle · 06/04/2010 13:45

Hmmm - could you challenge him - say someone asked you if he was involved, and you need to know? Trouble is, if he denies it you are kind of stuck at that point

Original poster

Spidermama · 06/04/2010 14:00

He's more usually a pretty good boy as far as I can tell. He stepped in to stop the bullying of a new boy at the school for example.

He does seem remarkably unconcerned atm. I must try to avoid going at it like a bloodhound and pace myself.

OP posts:

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 14:10

Spidermama....find something to occupy yourself for a couple of hours...kitchen draws, that cupboard under the stairs, no? Ah just me then

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