Your son's a theif - but don't tell him I told you. WWYD?

[Spidermama]

My friend's son told her that a group of four boys, including my ds, stole some chocolate from a local Tesco express. They are all 10. One particular boy was the leader apparently. The boy who told was very upset and confessed to his mum he allowed them to use his bag to put the stolen stuff in. He's clearly very uncomfortable about the whole episode.

Anyway, my friend really doesn't want herself or her ds identified as the source. I can understand this as it would breach trust between her and her DS. It's so great that he told her let's face it. We were talking about this difficult kids, who's quite new in the area and has already made a bad impression on his teacher and on many of the parents. She nearly didn't tell me about the specific incident until I said, 'Aw G'wan!' enough times.

However, naturally I'm very worried, annoyed, and want to deal with this swiftly and as well as I can.

I was already worried about the boy who's reportedly the leader. He has been back to my house a few times after school with DS. They play out together even though this kids lives over a mile away. He hangs around saying he doesn't have to be home until 8pm. I've sent him home earlier in the past because it's dark and I worried. He's so cocky and seems way older than he actually is.

So, given that I have this information I need to act on, but I don't want to betray the confidence of my friend or her ds, how should I proceed?

Thanks.

He has now admitted involvement in the incident. He says the ringleader boy used his bag. Funny. That's what friend's ds said.

To be fair to your son he probably isn't concerned as he didn't steal, he just lent them his bag. Huge difference imo.

Just seen your last post.

Why the if the stories match?

The stories don't match. Both boys have now said they lent the leader-boy their bags and he stole stuff in them. Well he wouldn't need two bags would he? Unless there were two separate incidents.

Anyway I have had a really good talk with ds. I still feel there's more to this though so will keep at it.

My mistake. Oops.

I went through a terrible shoplifting phase, instigated by my older brother (it was a sort of competition). I got caught and got an almighty telling off from the store detectives and never did it again.

I think many children have this phase, only a few keep going and have a life of crime.

Its good its out in the open. I'm sure its the last you'll hear of him doing it.

If it helps, when I was about 11, I was in your DSs situation, although with a different crime.... And my mum did exactly the same thing as you- told me she'd heard that some local girls had been causing trouble, that there was a plan in place to figure out who they were, etc, etc. Totally put the willies up me and I never did it again.

As a bonus, I also felt able to stand up to the ringleaders because I could say "My mum heard that x x x, and she said that they've nearly worked out who it is etc etc".

Also, my mum and I never talked about in detail again. Just that one conversation was enough to remind me of my morals etc and I never put a foot wrong again [halo emoticon].

And by the way, I'm a very law abiding adult now.

Ah, just read he seems unconcerned. That is an issue. Time for a riot act reading about theft and the moral and real life consequences of both doing it and being an accomplice.

Oh, my brother is a doctor now

MadameDef' he's taking it seriously now he's busted. He looked so wide eyed and scared.

Plimsolls I'm glad to hear that. Thanks.

Is he really unconcrned or is he just acting like it. If it were me, at that age, I would have acted unconcerned but inside would have been quite upset.

Also, the thing about both boys letting the ringleader use their bags.... Maybe its just me, but that sounds like a leeetle white lie, i.e. they are admitting they were involved as they don't want to totally lie to their mums but also slightly altering their role to a less naughty one so as not to get in too much trouble. Like I said, could just be me. I was quite devious at that age

sorry, x-post. Ignore me!

I agree plimsolls. That's why I'm not ready to let it lie.

well done you. Its a rite of passage really, shoplifting, getting busted, feeling the fear and disapproval...

You sound like you are doing just the right things.

The thing is, even if he is lying about his actual role in it, it sounds like you have said and done all the right things, and that he is quite scared. Maybe you don't need to drag the whole truth out of him. What you've done already might be enough to stop him doing it again.

Plus, if he thinks he had a close shave this time, he may well be less likely to do it again as he will have much more to lose, ifyswim.

Also, at the moment, his fear of what it would be like if you knew the whole truth is probably worse than the reality, and therefore will act as more of a deterrent.

Well, i rephrased that last bit about four tiems and it still doesn't make sense. Just do whatever you think is best!

"Oh, my brother is a doctor now"

That's a bit worrying.

Hope you get to the bottom of it SM. I'd be doing my nut trying to get to the bottom of it without going over the top.

Daisy, worrying in more ways than one!

Working in the NHS, I can quite imagine....

The thing is, you do know what happened, in its essentials. They went on a shoplifting spree, there was ring leader, they all behaved badly.

I'm not sure how much more info you need. Your ds is clearly very rattled (and a good thing too) and that's a good result.

There should be some kind of consequence for him, but apart from that, I am not sure forensically picking apart the whole event (which might well be a bit of an adrenalin blur for him) will achieve very much.

He knows he has done wrong. He knows he has disappointed you. Decide on the punishment, carry it through, then let it go.