Can I ask you all to post all you tips for dealing with toddlers hitting and tantrums

[SilveryMoon]

If you have a few minutes, can you please post your tips on how I can deal with my 2.7 year old when he hits/pushes other children and throws tantrums in public.

Atm, I try not to shout at him but I am near to my wits end over it. I know it is normal behaviour for his age, but I'd like to see how all of you deal/dealt with it.
What is reasonable? What worked for you?

Ok. Well my ds1 started pushing and hitting when he was about 18 months.
I say it's normal behaviour because most of the toddlers his age I know also do it.
I do/have set bounderies for my children. Everytime he does something like this he is told off, I make him say sorry to other child. I tell him that we mustn't push etc and then the next time he does it he goes to a time out spot, when he is allowed to go back to play, he hits/pushes again, I then put him back on naughty spot for another 2 mins and this can go on until I have had enough and we come home.
I don't allow him to just act like that without taking action. I take toys away, I make him go straight to bed if we have to leave a friends early, I take treats away. I do everything I can think of to discourage this type of behaviour.
So rasputin You don't think it normal for a 2 year old to become frustrated enough to hit and push other children?

Can anyone else help?

I'm going through the archieves for behaviour and development and see lots of similar issues.
I am on page 4 of 494!

If he pushes someone more than once or twice, you take him home. He doesn't care about 2 min time out.
He'll care about leaving the park for the day.
With public tantrums, I ignore if in the shop etc, where I have to get on with stuff or in the park if I see DD is v.cranky, it's home.
I stay calm, no shouting etc.
Well, DD's just starting, she's just 13 m but it worked with ds.
Good luck

You have to stop the hitting everytime. It can be a bit tiring, but you must be consistent.Pick him up and move him and only let him go if he stops.
Ignore the tantrums, even in public places. Keep calm and wait-I can't speak for everyone but I am very sympathetic. When he has calmed down ask him what it was all about and explain that you can't understand if he shouts and screams.
Give him a lot of attention when good-it can be tempting to leave alone when he isn't being a trouble.

winny The only thing that stops me coming home every time, is that I also have a 13 month old, and sometimes being at home on my own with both of them can get a bit much. But I definitely agree we need something more extreme than a 2 minute time out. I'm just being selfish i suppose because I don't want to come home!
piscesmoon Hand on heart, I tell him off and move him away every time I see him hitting or someone tells me he has hit, I am the most consistant person I know, seriously which is why i'm getting to breaking point with what to do.
A perfect stranger came up to me at a toddler group and told me he admired my determination to show my ds1 right from wrong! What am I doing wrong?

Of course it is normal behavior.

Every child I know has done it at some point or another.

With DS I had to follow him around for months, making sure that he didn't go for anyone. Time out/removal of toys etc totally irrelevent to him at 20 months. If he did hit I would remove him from the situation, tell him firmly that other people are not for hitting, and then pay lots of attention to the other child.

It passed, it was a phase.

His tantrums were harder to deal with as he would throw stuff when in a rage. It was very very hard work. I would ignore him if I could, but it was often impossible. Actually I never really worked out way to deal with them, but he doesn't have them any more anyway.

Humphrey Thank you
I'm hoping it passes very soon. It's gone on for over a year and it's really wearing me down

Totally normal I'd say. Rasputin you are lucky to have extraordinarily compliant children. Try not to be so smug about it though eh

sunblush Glad I wasn't reading that post wrong then.
I first though smug and patronising, but it has been a bad day so wasn't sure if I was taking the tone wrong

Do you have your pushchair with you? I used to find that strapping DS into his pushchair and facing it away from the room/playground for his two minutes timeout worked quite well. Don't shout, just say "no hitting" then pick him up and strap him in. After the timeout take him back to say sorry to the child he hit.

I just ignore tantrums no matter where I am. If my child was doing something dangerous or blocking something while tantrumming I would remove him to the pushchair and then ignore.

I'm probably at the extreme end here, but when DS has done this at the play park his 'fun time' is cut short. I take him out of the situation, tell him off by explaining it's bad to hit other children and then we go home. Simple as. He soon realises that behaving badly means he is the one who loses out. He will be 3yo next month but has gradually gotten better at not hitting other children. Hoping this phase is just about finished with...

Definately agree it's frustration and for some toddlers this behaviour is the only way they can deal with it, by hitting out at others.

OP just to let you know you are not alone

I think it might have had something to do with the comment about it not being normal, rasputin.

bran I don't have a pushchair for him. The double broke a few weeks ago so I use a single for ds2 and a buggy board, but I did strap him into the pushchair at a group the other week and he didn't care! He sat there quite happily.
Maybe I should give it another go though. he is good at staying in the time-out/maughty spot until i go and get him, but it doesn't make a difference to behaviour.
rasputin I posted because i want to hear lots of different views. What I don't want is for someone to come on and tell me or at least imply that my ds acts the way he does because I am not a strong enough mother.
What would have been more productive and supportive would be if you'd said "have you tried this, or this, or this" and so on, not state how your children never do it/did it unless tired and put across that you are the perfect family and I am below you.
That is how your post felt when I read it.
Telling me that I need to set clear bounderies was very patronising when you had no idea what I have been doing until now.

and you probably found one of my post from last year on your search in the 'behaviour and development' section because I also posted for help on this very topic. I got really upset at a toddler group when DS kept hitting other children and I just could not relax to drink my coffee like the other mums, I was on edge the whole time (hence why I've never been back to one!!). I take him to parks now, so he's out in the fresh air and gets lots of space to run around and it's free.

As for the tantrums - I tend to either hug DS tight if he's having one (depending on how bad it is) or just completely ignore him (making sure his environment is safe) and walk away. Shouting I've tried once but it just aggravated the situation, so avoided since. It depends on the severity of the tantrum.

lovechoc Thank you for your support. I think I'll have to swallow my wants and bring him home after a warning from now on. Is a shame ds2 will also miss out on the group, but may be a small sacrifice for a larger gain.

He's a toddler.

He's got a 13 month old sibling

It's been going on for a year

FFS all the punishment in the world is not going to work until he has a concept of what distress he is causing. And that will only come as he develops further. until then he will only experience confusion, surely?

lovechoc there is alot of toddler tantrum/hitting threads in behaviour! I am on page 7 of 494!
I'm grateful for the support I'm getting on this thread, and am being reassured that I am not alone. It's good too see people have been through the same thing snd tried the same methods

davecameron Someone told me, that in order to change his behaviour, I have to change how I treat him.
Sometimes I think he doesn't quite get the seriousness of the hitting and sometimes I just think he doesn't care.
How do I help his development? How can I help him get to a stage of understanding?

we are all here to support one another.it's hard enough being a parent as it is. offering constructive advice is what's needed in these situations.

most toddlers I've met don't hit out, but DS and a few others I've noticed have done this. I met a friend of a friend who had her 2yo dd with her at soft play last week and she said I should just let DS sort out any squabbles with the other child but I was off my seat through most of my lunch because he was off and into the ballpen and did hit another boy, luckily I caught him at it, and pulled him out and made him apologise. There's no way I could take this other mum's advice - I can't just let DS run around attacking other children whilst I sit merrily eating my lunch. What kind of responsible parent would I be?! Luckily her DD was more placid and didn't hit out at other children so she didn't quite understand my POV..It is very stressful when the environment you are in so full of others and you cannot relax for one minute because you have no idea what is going to happen next. Am surprised I'm not on Valium by now

You said "you need to set clear bounderies"
^You are still being patronising. I'm sorry if that is not your intention but you are. I don't think I am below you and to suggest I'm putting my worries onto your comments is unhelpful and patronising.
FWIW, I think I am being very strong, please do not take it upon yourself to presume how I am feeling

I'm no expert but i think you are probably right on the money when you say he doesn't care/understand the seriousness of it. He's a toddler!!! this may be his way of making contact, or maybe 13 months ago he once learned it was a way of getting attention and it has served him well ever since. One things for sure with a loving caring environment he WILL grow out of it.

lovechoc lol, sounds like how i spend soft play sessions.