Mum never takes her ds out?

[Louise1970]

My old antenatal friend has just called to see how i am doing. Then we discussed how she is doing with her ds1 21 month old and her dd2 3 months old. She is still claiming that she still does not ever take them out. They play in the garden or go to the childminders for 6 hours a week. Only doing shopping with him 1 a month. I take my children out every day to playgroups amd activites. My children are the same age. She says that she does not want to be running around all day to various activities with them. Will her children develop as well as those who mix early and see how to interact and play with various toys. When ever i see her children at her home, they really are well behaved and great mannors, loving, doesn't throw tantrums in front of other people. he really is text book stuff. Obviously he has his moments when we all go home. But my ds1 is always doing the above. Hmmmm!! Can i have your views on what you think the difference is.....

dollyeyes, it's your HV's job to make you feel like you are a bad Mum (it's in their Job Description). You have enough to contend with without her piling on the guilt You're doing the best you can and it's enough.

Sorry to be devils advocate, but I remember my childhood to be unremittingly boring because it was precisely like that - mum never took me anywhere (other than the Co-op). However, I didn't have any siblings at home as company. Also, mum didn't personally invest a lot of her own time into amusing me at home / giving me things to do.....

I suppose that it's probably not about being at home / going out - but rather if the child is at home for the majority of the time, the quality of their experience at home. However, partly because of my own childhood experience, I do tend to major on ensuring that my children's needs for stimulation / entertainment are met - and for my children (I realise that this isn't the same for everyone's children) that involves going out a fair bit.

Hi jimjams ,thank you so much for the link.I will take a look at.

Actually on one of the HV visits after the speech therapist had seen ds once she called round and i was saying i don't think my mental health at the moment is afecting my children she mentioned that it was and went on to say he could have dyspraxia.

I later learnt from the speech therapsit that she would never diagnose on a first visit.So this HV had come into my home almost blamed me for my ds possibly having dyspraxia .Something she should have never told me as was not her place or she was not qualified to answer my questions about it afterwards.

Totally freaked me out.At i said before his appointment with a development speciallist went well and she saw no problems.Am now waiting for an appointment with a speech and language speciallist.

Dollyeyes, i find when visiting my hv. which is not often, that i spend the whole time lying and saying what she wants to hear. If she really knew what i do, she would only find something to critisise.

Oh c'mon, I'll go right out and say it with apologies in advance to anyone who feels that I am implicitly criticising their parenting style (because I've no right to do that)...

but yes, Louise I personally feel its a shame if little children (or older ones) don't get out that much, and don't see a great deal of the wider world but just their own 4 walls and a bit of lawn out the back. I am totally superimposing my own values and prejudices here - and I recognise them as such. But that's my take on it.

Thanks marthamoo and lonleymum for your replys.It just makes me so mad that when you let yor defences down and turn to these people, ie HV you would think you could trust them to help you and see that under the circumstances in which you find yourself at that moment you are doing your best.Then to be almost punished for feeling the way you do they threaten neglect etc.
If i had this to do all over again i would never have opened up to her and struggled on alone.
I know not all HV are like this as i have read some positive thread on HV ,just wish i had a good one!!

Handlemecarefully-I know what you are saying and believe me i think that as wellmost days and feel so guilty that somehow i am letting the children down.But i am working on my anxiety priblems at the moment and seeing an improvement day by day.
But in the meantime i still believe at my childrens age they have not missed out and above all are happy,playful children and well loved in a safe enviroment.

As with everyhing it just depends on you and your child, temperament, socialbility etc.

My dd (3.10mths)does something every day
Monday - she comes to work with me at 12.30 - I run mother and toddler groups. She has a tap and ballet class shortly afterwards.

Tuesday afternoon - she goes to nursery
On a Tuesday evening I go to a family drama group depending on how she feels she sometimes comes along.

WEdnesday - alternate wednesdays we go to playgroup or have a day at home. She has a dance class at 4pm

THursday - 9-11 she comes to work with me again and then we go to a cafe for lunch before nursery 1-4pm

Friday - Nursery 12.30- 4.30pm

Saturday morning - gymanstics in the morning and once a month she goes on a nature ramble with the junior RSPB group.

Sunday - morning sunday school

My dd loves structure, as a baby she was a four hour feed child with routine naps - a Gina Ford protoge! She likes to know what day of the week it is and what she will be doing.She is always asking me if she can do new activities - horseriding is on the list at the moment and she keeps asking if she can go back to tumble tots. She has a weekly calendar in her room with pictures so she knows what is coming. She loves to be busy and loves being with other children - she is an only child. I suppose I am lucky that she takes after me in the respect that she likes to be in the go. I know of other children who would hate such a busy structured life and I am sure that if my dd was one of these we just wouldn't do it.

I am aware that I am probably giving dd all that I wanted as a child, I always wanted to go dancing but my mum never took me. But as long as I am aware of these feelings and motivations and dd is happy with what she is doing I see no problem in it. I ask dd regularly if she would like to stop anything,and I never put pressure on her but she always insists she wants to go. Infact she used to ahve swimming lessons as well which we gave up as I couldn't keep up the pace and it took her weeks to forgive me.

She still has time for imaginative play, she has a playroom and will happily amuse her self while I do stuff, I also try and make time for less formal fun so we go to the library, the playroom is covered with her artistic creations, we walk on the beach with the dog and bake lots of nice goodies. When dp comes home he is straight into the playroom to play, tonight it was dinasours!

Dd isn't easy, That comes with having a bright child who is a little sponge soaking up all that the world has to offer. I am a great believer that we get the child we secretly want and have probably created , I wanted a bundle of mischief full of charactar, wit and humour and that this is ecactly what I have

Having said all of that if your neighbour doesn't go out often I wouldn't worry too much as WWW said all kids need is attention and love not endless outings and activities - she says as she goes off to put two dance costumes in the wash, polish some tap shoes and hunt out that leotard!

Sorry dollyeyes - didn't mean to be insensitive to you and to your situation. Was talking in the generality.

Agree totally with you that the most important thing way above any other consideration is happy children, well loved in a safe environment. I'm sure that you are not failing them in any way since you say yourself that you:

"spend all week trying to keep them occupied,gardening,cooking,making things,reading,painting etc to make up for the fact we don't get out much"

My views are coloured by my own childhood experience, but in contrast to what you are describing my mum (lovely as she was) spent her time cooking and cleaning to the exclusion of spending any one on one time with me - which is completely different to your scenario

dollyeyes i am in a similair situation to u. I take ds[21mths] to one toddler group a week mainly out of guilt for keeping him in the rest of the time. I suffer from anxiety and depression so do find it difficult to go out. However i do keep him very entertained in the house and also have a couple of friends with toddlers same age who bring them to play. I do try and make arangements to go out etc but when it comes to the crunch i do find it extremely difficult.

dollyeyes. I had really bad problems with my hv. After bf, i found that he could not have cows formula milk. so i put him on Nanny (goat) formula feed. My hv went mental. and made me go to peditricans, consultants and dieticians. Because she said that i was not looking after my ds and that i could not do what i liked. In fact i was making sure he was not in pain after ever milk feed. pkus do you think i would pay £16.95 for a 900gram tin. Than a sma with is £8. I wonder..

dollyeyes. I would not worry about taking your children out. Is there someone else that can. Maybe down the line when you hear ans see them having a great time out. This will make it easier for you. I mean less pressure on you...

Handlemecarefully-totally understood where you were coming from,you were not insensitive at all.

Nemo1977,do you see a HV on a regular basis?
You mention you suffer from anxiety and depression,and you say you find it difficult to go out sometimes.I don't know about you,but i make plans to do all these wonderful things and when the day comes around i totally panic and wonder if i will cope with the children if they play up and how i will manage.Then i end up not going out and then in turn feel guilty and get more depressed.

I have set myself a goal to at least get out every other day,if only to the local shop or park with the kids.It is difficult though,i don't drive and so somewhat resticted.
LOng term goal to learn to drive.

Louise1970-that sounds awful.I take it you don't see this HV anymore?

Louise1970-I try to get out with them and dh on weekends,and my dh will take them out when i feel i can't.It's nice for them also to have some time alone with dh and I get a bit of peace and quiet at home for awhile.

dollyeyes. I moved. But the new hv are only slightly better. Best keep things to myself if i think they will not approve. Or ask the question in a certain way. I suppose. I have just asked a question in Food. Can any of you help...

I can totally relate to her - I had no choice in someways and when dd2 was born - she was (and still is) dragged here there and everywhere as dd1 has a lot her plate with SN playgroup, therapy and swimming. Dd2 was horribly unsettled in the first few months and only really now at 8 months has she settled and coped better with being out and about all the time.

I found dd2 was soooooo unsettled ( day and night - screaming for hours, crying etc ) - whilst she slept in the pram it was not quality sleep and I really noticed the difference when we had a day at home ( was a rarity) and she was able to sleep in her own cot and just chill out in general.

I look forward to when dd1 ( 3 in a week) starts kindy and the Special Ed unit as we don't have to stay with her as we do now at playgroup and so Dd2 gets some mummy time and some nap time.... life will become even better.

Mine do not go grocery shopping with me - do it at night when dh can look after them. If I need to pop out to get other things it is stressful and I really do not do it unless it can't be helped.

There is no difference as you pointed out in your last couple of sentences. In fact a study recently that compared children who were in full time daycare compared with those who stayed at home with their parents...... showed that those who got all the socialisation and stimulation from daycare where no more advanced, better socialised etc than children who had stayed home with their parents...

at the crux of the matter - her family, her choice.......

I take ds somewhere every day and always have - for my own sanity. My friend has 3 under 3 and they don't go out as much. Both her ds and my ds have the same manners, ability to mix, cope with change well, interested in wide range of stuff. So I don't think it matters - whatever floats your boat.

Have only skimmed thread, but I did read in one of my many parenting books (I really hate to use that phrase, but...) that socialization didn't matter much before the age of 3. I was much relieved because ds doesn't do a lot of planned things. He may play with the 2 boys next door for an hour or so if they are outside and he does go for a walk with nanny 3 days a week but outside of that, it is pretty much at home with me or dh. He seems perfectly fine and I was relieved to mark that off my list for a while. We did do Kindermusik in the spring and may consider it in the fall, although it seems like a long program (16 weeks). I would rather do 8. Anyway, that's our story FWIW.

depends on the child and the parent. Some children are very imaginative and can play happily all day with very little. Children are often very happy with a sheet over something as a den. Others get bored easily, have a short attention span and are very hard work. If you're a brilliant parent you find 60 million creative things to do with them. If you're not then you need other people to share the strain!

If you have the tiring ones (like me) you envy those whose children can amuse themselves and wonder where you went wrong

Since having my two. I can see that my ds1 is like me. Wants to know everything and be into everything. Not sitting still. eg i like gardening but i do not like sitting in the garden. i like playing with my children and reading toi theme, i do not like lying in bed all day etc. Never just sitting all calm etc. My dp likes laying about, thinking, playing playstation etc. Not very energetic. Likes staying in bed - mydd2 is very much like ihim too. In my friends family both the parents are not energetic. So maybe it is a gene thing.

Lousie1970 - I'm concerned that you are judging this woman on her parenting skills just on the basis that she doesn't have the same idea of rearing children as you do. This woman clearly has happy healthy children! So why do you feel the need to put her parenting into question?

I find being a parent hard enough without the added pressure of other Mums judging your perfectly reasonable parenting choices.

Just thought I'd offer another opinion here.

I never took mine out on my own when they were toodlers - I sent them to nursery and went to work

Okapi - DUCK!!

i know its hard to find time to always read all of these threads but if your read it all you will see, that her ds1 have stopped sleeping at night time and i merely suggested that she should do something more energetic to tire him out. I think she actually does a really good job and have told her this. But things have changed in her kids and was just asking me. So i am asking you all what you think. Please only judge after you read all of everybodies threads.. thanks

nursery is good as they stay stimulated - no need to duck....

Er Louise1970.... I did read that bit. Kids get older... they need less sleep!! 6pm is very early to be going to bed anyway.... so her ds has clearly just grown out of that.

My ds is 4 and still would like a daytime nap.... but my friends dd stopped having daytime naps at 18mths old and went from 14 hrs sleep a night to 11. So....ahem.... thanks for you repsonse.