Scared of my son's behaviour, complicated

[sausagepastie]

He's been in a state recently and I am not sure why. It's been really bad this last week.
Maybe he is anxious, maybe very tired, but last night he had football after school, and was already fed up when I came to give him his kit after school. (he is 6)
I handed it to him, went to park somewhere and came straight back. (last week he was miserable as I went off to do something else while he played, and he cried and wouldn't join in - my fault for assuming he would be ok)
So we went home afterwards, it had been freezing cold, and we stopped and got some nice sandwiches on the way home, so he wasn't hungry.
At home he was annoying his little bro and I asked him to stop - he started calling me names, which I ignored. Then his brother hit him with something and he started to cry, in a very tired way so it was probably that.
He then threw something at his brother, I asked him to go to his room, he said no.
I said that his friend would not be coming round again - something which I know means a lot to him, but when his friend came before they were just awful together.

At this point he flipped and started being really terrible. He picked up the toy boxes, one by one, and tipped them all over the floor.
He then started flinging pieces of jigsaw - big pieces, and he threw them at me, and one hit me in the face and left a mark.
I tried to do nothing, I just sat here, looking at him, trying to stay calm. I didn't shout or anything.

He seemed incredibly angry, and I was really really scared, because it felt like he would actually injure me, and I didn't know why or how to stop it.
I got up to take ds2 to get something from the kitchen, came back, we ended up talking - ds1 kept saying he was stupid, and 'f*cking stupid' and that he was useless and wished he had never been born. He came and sat on my lap and we had a big cuddle, and he kept saying these things but I asked why and he told me a few things from school - his best friend wouldn't let him be on his team in football, he was stupid and bad at football, he didn't want to go any more.
He also said he wished he was French because his friend is French and he is no use being the person he is. He said he wants to BE his friend, and wantsto be with him all the time.

This friend is very strange and I didn't realise how cruel he is to ds until he came round the other week, he actually has a go at ds all the time - and s just says sorry the whole time.
It's crap, but what can I do - and do you think this could be what's causing ds to behave and feel so awful?

I feel like taking him out of school and away from this friend, but that might not be the answer.

wwhat strikes me is that he is crying out for your attention.. you didn't watch him play footie, you went off to do something else, there is a lot of ignoring or telling off, you don't react, you stay calm when is desperate for a reaction.

spend more time with him doing positive stuff, loads of praise, positive reinforcement and give rewards to encourage the good behaviour

he's only 6, a little boy, who needs his mum

lots of what you describe is normal.. being mean to a sibling and calling names.. it is not anything otbe scared of

the thrwoing stuff soiund like an angry and frustarted boy who wants more of your time

Thankyou,

you might be right and I will try and implement it.

I did stay and watch the entire game yesterday in the freezing cold with ds2, and shouted encouraging things, and so on, but he still lost the plot.

I don't know what else I could have done.

Hes 6 the world is a big place and probably up until now hes never spent time with someone who 'wasnt nice' his 'friend' is treating him in a way that confuses him and so he feels all at sea,all hes got becomes questioned,a child that feels bullied feels alone feels scared and this I think is what has happened.

Could be there are other things that are also impacting this ...things at home things at school.

Im a big believer in routine and 'normality' when he started to tip the boxes out you should have told him No!!,children need thses boundaries in a sense they are 'fences' of love barriers not to be crossed.

At the minute because the other boy is dangling 'friendship' on a carrot stick,your son wants it more than ever -he wants this boy to like him he wants to be him but this boy isnt reciprocating which only makes your ds want it more,a bit like hero worship.

You need to encourage other friendships and build up your own sons esteem and confidence.

I agree with Lulumama actually.

I tihnk you made a mistake in telling him his friend couldn't come over again when he was obviously already really tired and in a mood, why break news like that when a child is already wound up? Of course he flipped out, that is quite a normal reaction to being over-tired and then having bad news on top of that.

It sounds like he does just need more positive attention from you.

Next time he flis out like this don't just sit there calmly not reacting, tell him firmly to stop it and get down to his level and just hug him and hold him tight and calm him down.

6 is very young, but although his behaviour has escalated to extreme levels it is still quite normal for a child of that age who is over tired and finding things difficult.

Encourage other firendships, and don't stop him being friends with this boy, but maybe supervise more when he comes over to play.

I probably should have reacted more to the box thing, I did ask him to stop but he wasn't listening and I didn't want it to descend into a physical struggle. Maybe he needed it to though.

I'm not sure if there's anything else that might be affecting him, have been trying to think, but nothing obvious.

This other boy seems to be really upsetting him but he is so very attached to him, I have no idea how to encourage other friendships. It's a tiny school and things are pretty much set. There's only 12 boys in his class.

You need to implement your threats, if you tell him to go to his room, make sure he does, even if he says no.

Dont make huge threats that you won't be able to implement, like "your friend is never coming round here again".

Don't let him do things like tip all the toys out of the boxes while you just watch. Actually astop him doing this, be in control and in charge. He needs this.

He needs to know where the boundaries are, he needs consistancy from you, especially when he is not getting it from his friend.

You could have turned the situation around before it escalated to this level. He was tired. Next time he is over tired like this prevent the situation from escalating.

Thanks OMDB

I did supervise and asked the other boy not to be cross with ds, but he was just staring, he is a strange little boy. Itw as constantly telling ds to stop doing things, in a very belligerent way. Ds just said sorry the whole time. It was awful and I took the boy home earlier than planned as I couldn't stand any more of it.

The reason I said 'no more friend' was to try and get him to do as I said, ie go to his room, because he was being so indignant and wouldn't listen. It wasn't really thought through and I can see it pushed him over the edge, but I couldn't make him go to his room without some kind of threat or bribery...i will try bribery next time I think.

I don't want to feel scared of my own child, it's terrible.

It didn't have to descend into a physical struggle. You could have just got down to him and hugged him, and picked him up, sat him on your lap in another room, and calmed him down with soothing words and hugs. Then taken him back into the room and helped him tidy all the boxes and toys back up.

I think I didn't stop it because I am knackered...I get almost zero sleep at the moment. Perhaps this is having an impact.

Ds2 is a nightmare in terms of sleep and really being a terrible 2-er. I feel like I am in a whirlpool at the moment, they are both seeming larger and more powerful than I am. iyswim

I just sat here as I am too tired to do anything else.

Don't use bribery or threats next time, just be in control and keep repeating, calmly, "go to your room now" until he does, escorting him there if need be.

I do sympathise, I'm sorry if my posts are coming across as harsh, I am very sleep deprived!

It is hard, with willful 6 yr olds.

WRT the other boy, there is probably a reason for his behaviour too, he is probably also struggling with something, or unhappy, or something, but he might need your DS's friendship as much as your DS needs his, and they might get through this patch.

How about teaching your DS ways of being more assertive with his friend?

Aaaah yes that would explain it, you are sleep deprived too! So probably not functioning to your best and not giving them the attention they need. It is do hard isn't it?

Your moods and sleep deprivation will have a very real impact on your children, they pick up on these things.

Thanks OMDB I understand you don't mean to be harsh and tbh it doesn't matter if you are! I am like a sort of zombie

I think I feel I'm not in control and they pick up on this. It kind of reached that point when his friend was here, I totally felt there was no respect from either of them, I felt out of control, like that bad teacher we all remember who couldn't manage the class...I think maybe this was a bad thing to happen as ds saw me foundering when his friend was here.

I think I simply didn't have the strength to do it, and that's partly why I think more play dates are a bad idea at the moment

I jsut wish I was a normal, coping mother who did play dates without batting an eye. All the rest of them seem to manage it.

I don't want him to feel like a freak just because I am so useless. It's as though we just scrape by to do the essentials every day.

It's SO hard now ds2 is a stropster. He used to be so easy!

It's hard to see things clearly when you're getting so little sleep. Is there any way that someone could look after DS2 for you while DS1 is at school so you could get some sleep during the day? It could make all the difference to you and your DC.

hello,

Things I picked up from your post:

1.) "... he started calling me names, which I ignored". I woudl not ignore abd behaviour, it leads to escalation. Nip it in the bud, send him to his room.
2.) "I asked him to go to his room, he said no.". And then you dropped it? You then changed tack to threats about not seeing his friends. He must have thought you were being mean?
3."I tried to do nothing, I just sat here
, looking at him, trying to stay calm. I didn't shout or anything."

Why do you think doing nothing is good? I think if a child really misbehaves, it is o.k. to say (even shout): "This is not acceptable behaviour!!!, you go to our room!" And if he doesn´t, make him (I have carried my DSs under my arm upstairs...)

I think ignoring bad behaviour is a problem. You think you are staying calm, but he thinks he has to go to even greater lenghts to get a reaction IYSWIM

And obviously once he is calm have a chat and a big hug!

Ok, so you don't think you can handle playdates at the moment, you know what? That is fine, you have every right to decide that you can't do it, but don't tell your DS, and certainly don't make it seem like it is his fault or he can't have froiends round as a punishment, it won't do him any good to shoulder the blame when it is actually you who doesn't want them round.

I go through phases of not wanting DS's friends round (I work full time wht kids and sometimes don't want them in my house after work too!) but I dont draw DS's attention to the fact that we haven't had anyone round for a few weeks or months or whatever, or make him think it is his fault.

You need to portray an image of being in control and in chanrge when around children, or they pick up on your insecurities and misbehave. Even if you have to fake it or pretend you are role playing (imagine you are that teacher that got everyone's respect in school).

I recommend you read the beek "how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk", and read it and re-read it and implement it, not just for your kids, but all kids you have contact with.

Great advice from Chandon too.

Do any mums 'really' enjoy playdates with other peoples children??- to me they are a trauma lol and just when I thought we were over it as ds2 entered his teens where they just sit upstairs with their friends on the x box or go out playing football - ds2 makes friends with ..................the boy with the smelliest feet in the world .

order this book now

'I jsut wish I was a normal, coping mother who did play dates without batting an eye. All the rest of them seem to manage it.'

Have you thought that he is just picking up his attitude from you? In this sentence you are finding it hard and think that everyone else copes so much better and he thinks that everyone finds being a 6 yr old much better, and he wants to be them. Everyone finds parenting difficult and being a 6 yr old, out in the wide world is difficult-you have friends that you fall out with. It is a learning process and you don't learn by cutting them off from it.

You are the only mother they want-be positive-you will get things wrong, but you will also get things right. Lulmama's advice on the first post is excellent.

lol nickschick

No I dont enjoy playdates either, but I have it down to a fine art now with the kids we invite homw. They know me, they know my boundaries and my rules, and they know to play together without disturbing me or trying to get me included in their games!

from what i can read you say he was annoying his little brother and you asked him to stop then his little brother hit him and made him cry , did you tell his brother that was not nice or was it just older ds who was told off,

does he like his football does he need to go or want to go could you sit down and ask what is upsetting him does he like football does he want to do football maybe at the moment his tired and mentally drained form school and would rather go home and relax

you do sound like you need to be more consistent sit down with him and write house rules no shouting swearing hitting or throwing all this will lead to time out and this goes for younger brother also who should be told off for hitting older brother

have cosy time if not much time to do stuff and tired make some pop corn all tuck up on the sofa and let older ds choose a dvd but give him time from his day if he needs space let him go to his room and relax the more you get on at an overtired child they will erupt

dont put pressure on yourself or be anxious around your ds its clear its attention he wants you to notice something sit and talk and find out what's wrong don't talk until his finished and then you can find out what's upsetting him so much

football is rather disciplined and involves a lot of shouting etc does he enjoy this is he good at football or is he being told his not very good he has very little self worth from what he said it must have come from somewhere my ds would never have them words at use without hearing them first

also any child in my house abides by my rules so i will pull them up play nicely dont be so mean etc and i will stay until i see the said child is playing fair i will also bring them in to do adult led game so i can keep an eye on things and make it fun for them then i let them go back off again but i never ignore bad behaviour from any child in my house