Scared of my son's behaviour, complicated

[sausagepastie]

He's been in a state recently and I am not sure why. It's been really bad this last week.
Maybe he is anxious, maybe very tired, but last night he had football after school, and was already fed up when I came to give him his kit after school. (he is 6)
I handed it to him, went to park somewhere and came straight back. (last week he was miserable as I went off to do something else while he played, and he cried and wouldn't join in - my fault for assuming he would be ok)
So we went home afterwards, it had been freezing cold, and we stopped and got some nice sandwiches on the way home, so he wasn't hungry.
At home he was annoying his little bro and I asked him to stop - he started calling me names, which I ignored. Then his brother hit him with something and he started to cry, in a very tired way so it was probably that.
He then threw something at his brother, I asked him to go to his room, he said no.
I said that his friend would not be coming round again - something which I know means a lot to him, but when his friend came before they were just awful together.

At this point he flipped and started being really terrible. He picked up the toy boxes, one by one, and tipped them all over the floor.
He then started flinging pieces of jigsaw - big pieces, and he threw them at me, and one hit me in the face and left a mark.
I tried to do nothing, I just sat here, looking at him, trying to stay calm. I didn't shout or anything.

He seemed incredibly angry, and I was really really scared, because it felt like he would actually injure me, and I didn't know why or how to stop it.
I got up to take ds2 to get something from the kitchen, came back, we ended up talking - ds1 kept saying he was stupid, and 'f*cking stupid' and that he was useless and wished he had never been born. He came and sat on my lap and we had a big cuddle, and he kept saying these things but I asked why and he told me a few things from school - his best friend wouldn't let him be on his team in football, he was stupid and bad at football, he didn't want to go any more.
He also said he wished he was French because his friend is French and he is no use being the person he is. He said he wants to BE his friend, and wantsto be with him all the time.

This friend is very strange and I didn't realise how cruel he is to ds until he came round the other week, he actually has a go at ds all the time - and s just says sorry the whole time.
It's crap, but what can I do - and do you think this could be what's causing ds to behave and feel so awful?

I feel like taking him out of school and away from this friend, but that might not be the answer.

bubblagirl is your full stop key not working?

good point though, sausagepastie did you comfort him when he was hurt by his younger brother and did younger brother get told off?

lol im not very good at remembering when trying to make a good point and get ds ready for school but thanks for making a point of that thats why i love mn

lol no I actually thought maybe your full stop key was broken as you used commas!

Agree with Lulumaam's post.

I think its easy to make the mistake of seeing firstborns as being older and more powerful than they actually are, especially when they are seen side by side with a younger sibling. 6 is still so very very young as far as emotional development goes so the notion of feeling 'scared' of your son is coming from you, not from anything your son is actually doing, if that makes sense. IF he was a teenager I wouldn't be saying this obviously, but I really think it might help you to see what it is about you that leads you to feel fear in the presence of a 6 year old child.

I gave myself a talking to about a week ago because I was letting my almost 4 yr old DD's tantrumming upset me and get to me. I felt overpowered and powerless and a shit mother, but she's 3 FGS, so its clearly not anything she's doing (what can a 3 year old actually do to make a grown woman feel powerless?) and the problem lies with me.

The first thing I did was to sort out my daughter's sleep. THat may not apply to you, but in my case, making sure she has lots of mummy time before bed (story etc) has helped us to reconnect.
I think older children feel pushed out by younger siblings in more ways that adults can't possibly imagine, so if possible can you put your other child in a daycare or something or give him to granny so you can spend time with your eldest son alone? How much time have you spent alone with your eldest since the birth of your second? My own DS is 9 months and this is another part of my own action plan in a few months when he's is old enough.

I agree you shouldn't just sit and watch him as he tantrums, although I think its really good of you to stay calm. Perhaps if you don't feel ready to hold him while he tantrums, perhaps you could just talk to him in a calm voice. I also don't really agree with punishments. If you really don't like this friend then just be above board and tell your son he can't see him, but don't say he's allowed to see him then withdraw this in punishment.

I half agree with overmydeadbody with regard to implementing threats. I think its important for kids to see you mean it, but I also think its important to have the ability to reasess your stance. For example a punishment may be perfectly appropriate one day but on another day when the child is stressed and more sensitive you may realise that you've gone too far, in which case I think its fine to give in and change tack rather than bulldoze your way over your child in order to be seen as in control. Its also OK to admit you're wrong. SO in the heat of the moment you may have said "Your friend can't come!" but then realise that the punishment doesn't really fit the crime and then its OK to go back on your word. I don't think this is confusing for kids, I think it shows them that you are reasonable, and are able to admit a mistake. I think kids respect your more for this than if you just implement threats at any cost.

Sorry for the essay, I don't wish to sound sanctimonious, its just that I'm going through some of this myself right now.

Sausagepastie,

You have been so open to all this advice, I admire you for that. I would have been much more defensive! You obviously have great strengths!

If you could improve the amount of sleep everyone is getting, then it would be so much easier to follow all this advice......

What can you do, if anything, to improve the amount of sleep you're getting?

I admire you too. Generally people ask for advice and then spend their whole time justifying why they can't take it! If you want to do better then you will-the wanting is half the battle. I think that sleep is the key issue-most people can't cope without it.

Yeah I admire you too for being open and honest without getting defensive. It is really good.

I agree with Sakura too, there is nothing wrong with taking back a threat you made in the heat of the moment, as long as you talk about it with the child, but if you say "go to your room" and he says "no" you can't just leave it at that. There is nothing wrong with changing tack either, and appologising to the child, and it is also important to acknowledge the child's feelings, even if you don't want them to have them, like "I can see you're tired and cross with me" or "your little brother hurt you, did that make you angry?"

Get the book, it is really good.

sorry had to post and run this morning

apart from a a slight preeeeen at being agreed with

i think it is really great you have gleaned some positive stuff from what's been posting and FWIW i am not a big fan of playdates.. i have freinds over wirth their children, but rarely just kids over after school for dinner and playing.. i find it v v stressful being responsible for other people's children

you need to have the confidence in yourself and it will flow from there.

everyone struggles with some or many aspects of parenting

Not wanting to upset the others who have posted but do you think "sending him to his bedroom" is a good idea? Maybe he'll associate his bedroom with punishment and that could lead to sleeping/bedtime routine issues later on

Can you get him to time out somewhere else, or maybe sit him on a chair and ask why he's kicking off? Sit with him too. As OMDB says, talking to him and staying calm is great and it lets him know you care that he's cross/hurt/frustrated and want to help him.

Message deleted

again, "put in their room".........

i must say i was always told [by paediatrician] never to use bedroom for punishment as there rooms should be there place of security and peace and escapism and this takes away the security of the room if used for punishment

i have long hallway i was told to use that and leave the room to be his safe place to get away from things

Spot on bubblagirl, same here!