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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how old were your children when they sat at the table with the family for dinner?

55 replies

snuzzdizz · 01/03/2010 20:19

Sorry if this has been done before, but we really need advice - we're not sure if we're doing the right thing by trying to get our typical 2.6 year old boy (ie more interested in playing, with selective deafness, and constant boundary pushing and mummy-testing) to sit at the table for meals. Just short meals, not whole evening gastro-thons. No matter how calmly we approach it, it always seems to end up with him being deliberately naughty (like putting his feet on the table, while looking at me, or just constantly climbing down), and us getting crosser and crosser, then issuing threats of no milk at bedtime. It's all a bit rubbish, and we're worried it's going to put him off for life. Half of me thinks, would it work if we just let him run around the rooms, playing while we eat, and he picks up being civilised by osmosis, and it doesn't actually matter that much in the grand scheme of things, and the other half thinks, don't be so ridiculous, he needs discipline etc etc. I just don't know what to do! Please help....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Restrainedrabbit · 01/03/2010 20:21

Always have done from the start, our expectations change as the grown obviously.

Hulababy · 01/03/2010 20:22

DD always sat at the table with us for meals. We have a Tripp Trapp highchair which she started using at 5-6 months old, always up at the table, as it has no tray.

IlanaK · 01/03/2010 20:23

In my opinion, no they do not pick up being civilised by osmosis. I have seen enough older children who never got used to sitting at the table - and it is not acceptable or easy to forgive so easily when they are older.

Mine sat at the table from 6 months with us for dinner so I have no advice about how you should tackle it with an older child, but I would definitely say that it is an important lesson for him to learn.

squeaver · 01/03/2010 20:24

where does he eat if not at the table? Or are you talking about restaurants?

Are you following through on the threats?

nickytwotimes · 01/03/2010 20:26

Hi snuzz.

We went for the 'let him do what he likes' option at that stage and are now one year on having to undo it.

I think you are being realistic in expecting him to sit for maybe 5 minutes and eat - that sounds perfectly reasonable. Maybe use a wee timer?

DOn't threaten no milk though - it needs to be an immediate sanction to work. And one not associated with bedtime. We have instigated the dreaded sticker chart with ds (now 3.7) and it is working well so far. I hate sticker charts with a vengance, but nothing else was working. Worth a try? Even if you can get him into the habit of sitting at dinner time, you can work on the actual eating as time goes by. That is how we are approaching it.

GOod luck - it isn't easy.

Francagoestohollywood · 01/03/2010 20:26

Always done from the start here too.
Mind you, our dc don't have particularly exquisite table manners, but they do enjoy their food and those 20 minutes spent at the table chatting etc (though they are happy to go back to play asap).
I don't think eating at the table is a question of discipline. Keep it short, try to ignore the constant climbing down (I know, it's easier said than done) and see how it goes...

Blomkvist · 01/03/2010 20:27

Well, not much use to you but our kids sat at the table with us from as soon as they could sit up. Not for every meal - sometimes we'd be eating later, but everyday at some point, whether it's just breakfast of cereal or a Sunday dinner. Maybe you could start with just breakfast everyday?

I think it helps to have good planning - make sure everything is cooled down before they come to the table and don't expect too much of him at first. I personally wouldn't allow running around while we eat, but I may be a bitch!

I think maybe you could decide what your rules are going to be, and stick to them, but please don't threaten no milk! Any consequences need to be immediate for very little ones as they don't think ahead very well.

nickytwotimes · 01/03/2010 20:55

Oh, we did family meals from day 1 (well, 6 mths, you get my drift!) but once he wasn't in the high chair it went downhill.

Sort it sooner - don't end up like us!

EssenceOfJack · 01/03/2010 20:55

Agree with others, their highchairs were at the dining table. Even if we are not eating with them they sit at a plastic garden picnic small table in the kitchen to eat while I potter around them.

Where does he sit now to eat, or where did he? Only asking as it might help us with advice.

Original poster

snuzzdizz · 01/03/2010 20:55

Thanks everyone. He hasn't sat at dinner times with us until recently, now his bedtime has moved a little later, because of when DH comes home. He has had breakfast and lunches with me at his little Ikea table in the kitchen, and high chair before that. However, we do now have the 6 month old with us at dinner as well, in the highchair, so I'm not sure why we didn't do that with DS1.
Nickytwotimes and Blomkvist - you're right about the milk - I just read it out loud to DH, and he agrees that while we think bedtime isn't all that far off, for DS it is. We haven't had to actually follow through on the no milk, because eventually after a lot of coercion and tears and repeated carrying back to the table, he will eat something. I worry that that is making it all so unpleasant that it negates any benefits. I think I might start using the sticker idea - he loves them.

OP posts:

meltedmarsbars · 01/03/2010 20:58

From birth! [smug emoticon]

Obviously when they are finished they got down, until they were old enough to understand about staying till everyone is finished. Now they help clear up.

I'd let him down as soon as he is finished, but don't let him back up to the table again.

Rhubarb · 01/03/2010 21:03

Blimey, we've always done this. Children learn by observation and if they see you eating, they'll pick up on your table manners, the vibe etc. Children like to copy adults and they are eager to please, so why not say to your child that now he is a big boy you want him to have his meals with mummy and daddy - he'll be thrilled.

Seriously though, if you sit them down at the table with you every time you eat, from the age of weaning, they'll get used to it and it won't be an issue at all. Family mealtimes are lovely.

Blomkvist · 01/03/2010 21:10

As long as he's not drastically underweight or has health problems, my opinion is that if they're not hungry, they don't have to eat. Coercion and "one more bite" just make for stressy meal times IMHO. I don't do any bargaining over food, they eat if they're hungry and leave what they don't like or are not hungry for, but they get loads of praise for trying new things. They even get pudding (well a yoghurt) if they don't eat any of their main . When they're this young, my main aim would be to get them sat at the table with us, even if it's for a small amount of time. Stickers could help this!

Most kids are not going to waste away if they don't eat at one meal - they may have a big breakfast to make up for it the next day though. No snacks either.

And anything connected to bedtime routine is sacred!

SingleMum01 · 01/03/2010 21:12

Snuzzdizz - persevere but don't stress too much over it. My DS and I always have meals together, and I remember at a younger age it was difficult to get him to sit and stay at the table. He's now 7 and knows to sit and eat nicely. i don't make him stay until I've finished though he's a much faster eater than me! its important they know about sitting at a table and eating nicely for when they go to restaurants. Don't stress about it too much though, it gets better as they get older.

castille · 01/03/2010 21:14

Another since always here. Then you can demonstrate your impeccable table manners and nag them about theirs for years until they capitulate.

WeNeedToLeaveInFiveMinutes · 01/03/2010 21:16

From birth here too.

ShowOfHands · 01/03/2010 21:16

From the beginning. It's a behaviour they learn through modelling.

DD never has to eat anything she doesn't want and food is never a bargaining chip ie you can have this if you eat this or one more mouthful and then...etc, but I do expect her to sit with us and join in with the family chatter and sharing of food. Thankfully, she loves it and at 2.9 leads most of the conversation and eats most of the food.

Bonsoir · 01/03/2010 21:16

From birth.

OhFuck · 01/03/2010 21:18

DS has always eaten with us so not sure how to tackle your problem, but definitely agree with advice to have it all prepared. It might be an idea to encourage more grown-up things like putting some foods in serving dishes for him to "help himself" from, or getting him to help lay the table, just so he's a bit more into the whole thing. Make it a bit fun IYSWIM. Meals like fajitas or salads where they "make" their own are good too.

DS is the same age and now asks if he can get down [smug] although I know if I said no he'd chuck a paddy so I can identify!

onebadbaby · 01/03/2010 21:20

Since old enough to sit in high chair (5 months).

If he won't sit still than strap in seat!

BimiBluebell · 01/03/2010 21:20

Again, from the start. Both sat with us in Tripp-Trapps.

It never really occurred to them to start running around, thank goodness (it's one of my pet hates).

I wouldn't make any threats at all, though, beyond 'your meal has finished if you leave the table'!

Blomkvist · 01/03/2010 21:22

Oh yes, serving themselves always goes down well:

me: dinner's ready
kids:
repeat x 2
me: do you want to put the parmesan on or shall I?
kids:

morningpaper · 01/03/2010 21:24

Yep always here too. To be honest though, it is pretty shitty and stressful until they GET IT which can take a while, even if you are eating three meals a day with them. But eventually it is NOT utterly stressy, although I think this is around 3 or 4.

My rules are:

you sit down until everyone's finished
I don't care if you eat or not
no feet on the table
no playing with your bits
please wear pants at the table
use a fork FGS you bloody animal

I gave sippy-cups until they were around 4 and stopped knocking them all over the table

If they are naughty or get down then they get three warnings and then they go to their rooms until we have finished

You have to follow this through a few times which is annoying as it means dinner with SCREAMING which is stressful when you have cooked the bloody thing all afternoon

gotta tame those beasties

eventually now mind are 4 and 7 and dinner times are pleasant

Heated · 01/03/2010 21:25

We had an easy peasy well mannered angel and then a fingers in the food, throw the stuff hoyden. They both sit at the table.

Good manners and nice behaviour is praised, trying to get a rise behaviour ignored unless it's really naughty at which point we're really disappointed as they both hate that. We talk and are a bit silly and it's usually a convivial time together. However, when the youngest has had enough she can get down (she has to ask to leave the table though) and if she hasn't eaten or made a decent attempt she doesn't get pudding. We don't waste time coaxing them to eat more, they either eat or they don't but they don't get snacks in between meals unless it's a piece of fruit.

UniS · 01/03/2010 21:29

from the start. Nearly always do all meals sat at table boy plus one or more adults. We still have a fidgety child on occasions. Now ( at 3.5) however he knows that his meal really WILL go in the bin if he gets down after a warning.... seems to concentrate his mind on NOT removing his bum from chair.

pick your battles, one a time. How does breakfast go? and lunch? We have far less mucking about at those two.

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