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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how old were your children when they sat at the table with the family for dinner?

55 replies

snuzzdizz · 01/03/2010 20:19

Sorry if this has been done before, but we really need advice - we're not sure if we're doing the right thing by trying to get our typical 2.6 year old boy (ie more interested in playing, with selective deafness, and constant boundary pushing and mummy-testing) to sit at the table for meals. Just short meals, not whole evening gastro-thons. No matter how calmly we approach it, it always seems to end up with him being deliberately naughty (like putting his feet on the table, while looking at me, or just constantly climbing down), and us getting crosser and crosser, then issuing threats of no milk at bedtime. It's all a bit rubbish, and we're worried it's going to put him off for life. Half of me thinks, would it work if we just let him run around the rooms, playing while we eat, and he picks up being civilised by osmosis, and it doesn't actually matter that much in the grand scheme of things, and the other half thinks, don't be so ridiculous, he needs discipline etc etc. I just don't know what to do! Please help....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

taffetacat · 01/03/2010 21:29

rofl @ morningpaper

morningpaper · 01/03/2010 21:29

Oh mine are only allowed down once they have thanked the cook

Please-can-I-leave-the-table-thank-you-for-my-lovely-dinner

even if they gagged on it

sfxmum · 01/03/2010 21:31

dd has eaten with us from the start but we have low standards and pick our battles
we try to make it relaxed and chatty

jollyma · 01/03/2010 21:33

Mine were at the table from before they were actually eating in my house. I would also recommend a Tripp Trapp chair or similar. With one of these he is at the table with no tray but secured in with the bar so he can't just get down and run off. His feet are also supported so he will sit in a better position.

It really is a matter of you being more stubborn than him. It's well worth the hassle though. I can take mine (7 years and 11 months) to pretty much any restaurant with no problem.

BimiBluebell · 01/03/2010 21:35

Oh yes, we do that strung-together-thank-you-for-the-lovely-supper-I-rejected thing too.

Blomkvist · 01/03/2010 21:35

ooh I like that MP!

EssenceOfJack · 01/03/2010 21:40

We have
Thank-you-for-my-lovely-tea-please-may-I-get-down

DD1 says it in a big rush as she is getting down, DD2 says 'Fank you, down now?'

They both sit in boosters and stay at the table until we have all finished.

Am liking mp's list, I do most of them but would add.
Cutlery is not drumsticks.

meltedmarsbars · 01/03/2010 21:45

I like Morningpaper's rule-book, very similar to ours, would add

DO NOT wipe your face on your shirt!

BTW I notice OP has vanished.

domesticslattern · 01/03/2010 21:59

Don't understand how he would be "civilised by osmosis" TBH.

DD is 2.4 and we eat together as a family, and have done since she was weaned. So I don't have to tie her to the table, she knows to come and enjoys it (usually). Re-reading that, that sounds smug, but I know it is hard to get them to come to the table, but on the other hand it's an essential part of being a family, no?

She can get down when she is finished (except in a restaurant), but is usually the slowest eater out of all of us TBH.

Incidentally, Morningpapers' rule "I don't care if you eat or not" is an excellent one and has saved us masses of grief in this household.

BimiBluebell · 01/03/2010 22:09

Oh yes, we do that one too. It works very well.

Original poster

snuzzdizz · 02/03/2010 07:44

I hadn't vanished, meltedmarsbars,just gone off to bed feeling like a bit of a failure! domesticslattern, 'civilised by osmosis' was a way of saying that I hoped he would see us (out of the corner of his eye while playing) enjoying meals regularly and normally around a table, and eventually want to join in. I realised that it probably wouldn't work, but wondered if it might be less stressful for him AND us than dinners currently are. He is pretty nearly 'tamed' (Morningpaper!) in all other respects, just this one, so it's obviously not my main parenting theory!
Thnks for all your advice, I particularly like Morningpapers rules! Fingers crossed for tonight

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 02/03/2010 09:59

Snuzz - sit him down and explain that now he's a big grown up boy, you and daddy have decided that he can now sit at the table with the grown ups. If you make it sound like a huge deal and a treat then he'll look forward to it and will hopefully want to prove what a big boy he is.

Focus on all the good things he does. Then if he is naughty it's so much easier to be disappointed - "Oh dear, and we thought you were such a big boy, how disappointed we are!"

FanjolinaJolie · 02/03/2010 10:06

Ours have sat at the table with us to share meals from about 9 months.

I think a 10 minute period of sitting up at the table and eating nicely without putting feet on table and getting down is not a big ask at his age.

But I'd try more of the carrot and less of the stick, offer a reward of a sticker or sweet if he does sit and eat up nicely. Also try talking to him about it, that is is important for family-time and that mummy and daddy would enjoy eating our meal with you, would you like to?

If he repeatedly refuses to sit up then perhaps withdraw a privilege like TV or whatever.

Mine have always had to ask to leave the table from before they could grunt/talk 'mees ged down bable' I do remember from about that age!

BornToFolk · 02/03/2010 10:20

Not right from the start but from about a year I think, in his highchair at first and then on a booster seat.

DS "helps" me to put the table up, and put the mats out etc. He's often involved in some way with the making of the food, or at least gets a warning that it'll be time to stop playing and eat dinner soon.

He gets a bit of choice about which bib to wear, or which spoon to use but I have to be a bit careful with this as it can turn into a circus.

He's very much into being a big boy (he's 2.4) and wants the same plate and glass as Mummy and Daddy, which he gets but he knows that if he messes around with the glass, it'll be taken away and he gets a sippy cup instead. Lots of praise for being a big boy does the trick. If he starts messing, distraction works pretty well.

Gubbins · 02/03/2010 12:27

Where do you sit at lunchtime, while he's having his at his little table?

I really don't like to see children being treated differently at mealtimes. Several of my friends either don't eat with their children at all, or eat something entirely different. They then express amazement that my kids eat 'grown up' food, like curry and risotto whilst their's only eat sausages and fishfingers.(Although one drawback to eating what they eat is that I have consumed a lot more sausages and fishfingers in the last five years than I ever would have imagined previously.)

Even when we don't eat supper with the kids I will sit down at the table with them and have a cup of coffee and talk about the day. They're really civilised eaters, as long as I ignore them making milkshakes with their yoghurt and water. MrGub and I have then earnt the right to have our own supper slumped in silence in front of the TV after they are in bed. (Ok, so maybe I treat them a bit differently.)

Granny23 · 02/03/2010 12:52

'Cutlery is not drumsticks.'

Could you please come round here and explain that to Granpa (who is a drummer). He starts it in a pleasant rhythmic way and within minutes we have a cacophony. Now I give them ALL plastic spoons.

leamac · 02/03/2010 15:17

Always sat my kids at the table, initially in high chairs then moved on to booster seat which are great as kids feel grown up but are still strapped in. If they don't sit at table then they don't get fed as their meal is on the table, they soon learn.

GibbonInARibbon · 02/03/2010 15:28

Have always done it. DD is 3.5 now and will sit until everyone hasd finished but up until she was 3 we would let her get down after she had eaten.

boyraiser · 02/03/2010 15:45

Ignore bad behaviour. Try to keep cool. Have realistic expectations. Model good table manners. Eat with them as much as possible. Be prepared to say the same thing till you are blue in the face - but keep instructions simple.

Positive reinforcements always more fun (for everyone) than negative ones. Reward charts might work.

Read books at mealtimes (if you're not eating with them) and promise to turn the page each time they eat a forkful.

Play i-spy or similar when waiting for puddings etc. to show them how they can chat at the table.

BlueberryPancake · 02/03/2010 15:58

OK are we the only people who a) didn't have a stupidly expensive tripp tropp whatever they're called, we had a cheap Ikea highchair. I'm sorry but nobody will convince me that a highchair is teaching good table manners to a child. And B) don't always eat at the table.

We have a small plastic table in the playroom and that's where we eat breakfast. We have lunch and dinner at the table most days. I have two DS and one is a good eater and one who is very difficult with his food, and that's what is making the difference for us. Some children are 'into' food, they love eating, my DS1 is not one of those. He is figetty, always trying excuses to get down, plays with his knife/fork. He is 4 and I struggle to take him to restaurant. BUT I have a 2.5 who is so so well behaved at the table because he loves food! He sits still, eats all that's on his plate, eats well with fork/knife, doesn't figet.

They don't wait until we are finished before they get up. They have to ask nicely and they can get up and play.

I don't know any 4 year old who would sit quietly through a three course meal. Anyway, maybe it's because I can't be asked.

We went to a family meal a couple of weeks ago and I can say hand on heart that it was our first family meal where they both sat at the table, eat well, were polite, used their k/f, etc. They are 4 and a half and 2.10.

BlueberryPancake · 02/03/2010 16:03

I meant, a family meal where the entire family was, ie 25 people, all gown-ups.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 02/03/2010 16:45

As we both work, the children don't eat with us very often - every breakfast and lunch at weekends (occasionally supper). However our rules and nursery's rules seem to be the same, and we haven't had any issues.

kaffers · 02/03/2010 18:51

Snuzzdizz -, come to this late so haven't read all the thread, but if it's any consolation we too began trying this with our DD at about 2.6 and it is only now at 2.10 that she's really getting the idea and can sit at the table with us in a reasonably civilised way. We tried to do it through positive reinforcements for any sign of cooperation rather than 'punishments' (for the opposite) as we didn't want to turn it into an issue. So we'd say 'there's some lovely dessert for you if you can sit with us for three more mouthfulls' etc etc. And would heap praise upon her for staying longer than last time...it was a slow and often painful process. Also we found that taking her out to cafes and making it a special occasion really helped and then pretending we were at a cafe at home with mealtimes. I'm not saying every mealtime is a resounding success now but on the whole it's a lot lot better than it used to be - Good luck - he'll get there.

BITCAT · 02/03/2010 19:03

from the minute they started solids..always good to start as you mean to go on and set a good example of table manners and eating properly. Children learn by what they see and if they see you getting at a table..good meals.using knife fork its likely to follow on as they get older.

Original poster

snuzzdizz · 02/03/2010 19:51

Thanks for replies everyone. Well, tonight went a bit better, we followed lots of the advice, especially the ignoring bad behaviour. He didn't get his sticker unfortunately, and couldn't quite believe it when most of his dinner went in the bin, but it was all a lot calmer on OUR side of things, which I think he realised. He went to bed happy anyway, knowing that tomorrow is another day, and he can try again for the sticker (he did seem to like that idea, so it's not as mean as it sounds!).
Thanks Kaffers, for the reassurance - I was starting to feel terrible for not doing this sooner, so it's good to know that it's not (hopefully) too late.
Thanks again everyone for replying. I was starting to get it all a bit out of proportion, but I feel a lot calmer about it all now

OP posts:

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