help! I think my 13 year old may be going a bit too far

[baloohoo]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this fab site having only just discovered it. Unfortunately it followed another 'discovery' of an email written by me newly turned 13 year old daughter to her friend, left open on my computer. In this she's described going to his house last saturday while his parents were out, up to his bedroom, and onto the bed for an hour of "passionate kissing". I'm not a prude and we have an open relationship in terms of discussing sex but I'm worried about where this is going, especially because I was under the impression that I'd taken her into the town where he lives while I did my shopping and she met him and other friends in town. I guess I'm bothered about 1) the fact she's lied to me (and still thinks I don't know)
2)the fact that his parents were out
and 3) she's too young at 13 to be considering having sex.
Eeek. She's "madly in love" with this boy and has nagged me to take her into town on weekends to meet him but I think I may be being irresponsible if I do and allow this to continue. I've tried talking to her about teenage pregnancy and she has a sensible attitude to not wanting to become a statistic, so although that's a concern, my main one is she's just too young and may not feel she can or may not want to say no next time. She's tall for her age and fairly well developed.
What would any of you do in this situation?

Sorry i didn't make it very clear that the email I discovered written by my daughter was to her female friend, talking about this boy who is her first boyfriend. They are both the same age

I think kissing is quite common at this age. 13, so she must be yr8/9?

Doesn't necessarily mean she will start having sex or is even thinking about it. How old is the boy?

How old is the boy she is 'madly in love with'?

If you have spoken about unwanted pregnancies do you feel you can discuss with her about when she does have sex it should be on her terms, safely, etc?

Also another thought, it may well be that she is exagerrating or lying to her friend in the email you saw. Is this a close friend? Older/younger/'cooler'/kind? How did she get to this boy's house, spend an hour in his bedroom and then get back to you in the town centre?? Or did she meet you back at home?

She will still find other ways of meeting him tho..... Bear that in mind.

Think maybe have a chat with her over this ?

When I was 14, my parents dropped me off to my "boyfriend", we were supposed to bake gingerbreadcookies with his mum. When I got there, his parents were away, and he took me to his parents bedroom, for some fondling and kissing. He told me he was keen to have sex. I told him "ho way", made my excuse and left. I did not feel ready.

Hopefully your daughter will feel able to say "no" if sex is on the cards for the boy. Talk to your daugther. Tell her that very often being alone with a boy means kissing, some fondling, and this is where it should end. As she is under 16, she is underage, and sex is illegal. She should feel able to stop, and say "I dont want this Peter, lets go find out whats on tv". Or something. Tell her she must not have sex just because the boy wants to. Educate her about unprotected sex, the embarassment of sexually transmitted diseases, and how teenage pregnancies are NOT cool.

Hi back guys and thanks very much for your very sensible replies- talking about this with her is definitely the way to go; this isn't a problem as we have a very good relationship. The boy is also 13 and also quite mature for his age. I was just wondering if I was over reacting assuming all this kissing fondling is going to go further (I don't remember me or many of my friends getting to that stage until we were 15 or so, but since I'm 41 that's quite a while ago and things have changed a fair bit for teenagers since!)

I was also wondering about HIS parents stance on this. From her email seems they both arrived back when my daughter was still there and she describes meeting his mum for the first time. They both then walked the very short distance back into town where she met me outside sainsburys, as she has done before.

They've had quite a lot of sex ed at school so far (she's a year 8) but I don't think it's been effective in conveying that it's not just pregnancy which is a risk, but STD's too and as one replier pointed out, she's underage so it's illegal so would lead to him being in trouble which would probably get him grounded into the next centuary since his father is a senior police officer! I think I'll emphasise the two latter points to her in our chat!

13 is young yes. Far too young by my book, but then my children are still kids at 12-13. My nearly 15 yo old has only just started her periods and was basically a child at 13, so I would have been shocked as hell if she had been kissing a boy then. However, many children do (and I can remember much snogging among my school mates at those ages and I'm 42 so not much has changed). You may need to sit her down and remind her of the legal age of consent and intimate to her that it still stands as far as you are concerned. Remind her that she can consult you for any reason.

Honestly I would consider meeting up with the boy's mum for a coffee and chat about what you are both comfortable with them doing and how much supervision you feel they should have. Mothers of boys often do not have the same fears as girls' mothers regarding pregnancy etc, so it may be worth getting together to be signing from the same hymn sheet and ensure they are supervised adequately in both houses.

I met my husband when I was 13 and I remember fondly back to the days where we would lay on beds "snogging" for hours on end. At that age there was some boob touching and outside trouser action which of course then moved on to hands wondering inside the clothes but we didn't sleep together until I was 16.

From what I can remember most kids at 13 are into snogging and things will go from there hopefully at their own pace.

You should trust that you have done your best in educating her about sex and given her enough confidence to be able to say no to sex.

I know at 13 that whilst snogging and fondeling were all very nice there was no way I would have thought about sex AND I certainly wouldn't have told me mum the finer details of what we were up to no matter how close we were.

Hi Duchesse, yes I agree- meeting up with his mum for a coffee would probably be a good idea although I can imagine my daughter would be horrified at the thought of not only that but what we'd be discussing! To me she's still a child, has only just started her periods and actually part of me is rather shocked that she's gone from zero to third base with her first boyfriend so quickly!

Hi Sweatheart, that's reassuring. I guess I trust her to be able to say no but she's always been curious!! Hopefully she'll stay like that until she's old enough!

What are you planning to do about the lying? That would bother me as much as the other stuff.

Have you met the boy in question? I would be inviting him around and dropping strong hints to him that you expect him to show respect for your daughter if he wants to continue seeing her.

Do you think she perhaps left the email open deliberately, so you'd find it?

Hi Decorhate (love the nickname!), yes the lying is bugging me because i reckon she knows I'd have said no to her request to have a lift into town had I known what she had planned. I'm kind of mulling over that one because the only reason I know about this is from reading the email i wasn't supposed to have seen and which she'd left open on my laptop when the battery ran out- so I plugged it in this morning and Hey Presto! Their hour of passion fully described to her friend. Actually it's not bad prose (Mills and Boon standard I reckon) but I wish it was just as fictional! I have actually seen them both snogging from a previous trip into town (was in queue at the supermarket I was meeting her outside and could see them both through the glass!!) So from that I doubt she's exaggerating.
I think I'll just have to come clean about the email being left open, not intending to read it ...but felt compelled to !

Hi OtterInaSkoda, thanks for your post- no, I think she'd be horrified to know I'd seen it- she'd been sending this email while using my laptop without the powerlead and it died just as she was about to hit the send button. The 'puter saves whatever was on the acreen at the time when the power is restored so at least i can explain how and why i saw it.

Hi Pixieonaleaf, thanks for your reply, that sounds like a good idea. If I can get her in a cooperative mood she might be more forthcoming with suggestions. I thought maybe I could try and discuss it with her from the point of view of one of her friends getting up to something like this in an imaginary situation to try and elicit her views. The lying is bothering me though- normally she never bothers trying to lie to me because she's not good at it so I can usually tell!

Hi again Duchesse- no I haven't met him directly. I'm "not allowed to" which makes life a bit more awkward really because it means I'm going to find it pretty difficult to make any informal contact with his parents without turning it into a big issue. We live in a small village so it's a case of my daughter relying on me to take her into the local town 8 miles away so she can see him ouside of school hours. His parents may or may not venture up in our direction but since she seems so determined that we aren't going to meet in her presence I guess it's unlikely he'll ever come up to us which would enable me to have a gentle word with him (and his mum!)

I agree with Pixie that it is not on that she won't let you meet him - Esp as she has shown she can't be trusted. I have a dd the same age and I keep her on a much tighter leash! Luckily she has not got to the boyfriend stage yet... I realise that I am probably a bit old-fashioned (even older than you OP!) but girls seem to want to grow up so quickly nowadays, it saddens me really.

I suppose plenty of posters will come on now and say how young they were starting to have sex, never did them any harm, etc but I was raised differently...

Hi mjinhiding, thanks for the reply, yes youre right really because I don't know this boys parents at all so they probably would think I'm barking!! In an ideal world, I'd have at least met them and could maybe broach it informally/indirectly if I happened to be in the queue next to them at parents evening. The lying is a real issue. I have a couple of days to think about this because she's gone to her dads for the rest of half term (I'm divorced, we live with my partner and have done for the past 8 years; she adores him but he leaves all of this stuff very much up to me- his children are grown up)Just need not get her t hear me out basically

Hi again PixieOnaLeaf, yes she's my only child (I'm a divorced single parent although we live with my partner of 9 years and have done for 8 but he doesn't get involved in any parenting issues- she's in regualr contact with her dad and his new family)Actually you#ve hit the nail on the head really in terms of my feeling of discomfort about this- it's because I've never met him. nor will she let me. This really isn't on is it?

Hi decorhate, yes I'm with you on this one- and I'm aware I may be being what teenagers nowadays perceive as 'prudish' but then on the other hand, so what!! At least she knows I want to keep her safe, not ruin love of her life no 1 (so maybe it shouldn't matter if I feel an inner Mary Whitehouse telling me to get a grip on this!) Hm, you are so right about girls growing up so quickly - they are exposed to so much stuff in the media which sexualises them at such a young age. I'm not too happy, for example, about her addiction to Twilight films and the books which make for very steamy reading given their target readership of 16 but of course younger girls are going to get hold of these and read them- all her same age friends have and I think this contributes to peer pressure to have a boyfriend so young- she's never been so popular in class so there are tangible 'rewards' for shaking off girlhood quickly at this age.

I've decided no more lifts into town until we have had a thorough chat in which some rules will be set.