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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do you let your baby cry?

35 replies

fozzy26 · 07/02/2010 18:38

My baby son is 8 months old and like all mums I hate to see him cry. I do everything I can to make sure he does not cry but my DH thinks I am being unreasonable. I won't shower / bath until my DH comes home in the evening in case my son cries when I go in. I won't get any jobs started unless my DH is home as I know they won't get finished. When I'm alone with my son I devote 100% of my time to him. Reading the post I can already see it sounds stupid but I feel so guilty if I get on with other things and he is upset. He has been quite a grizzly baby since birth and I try to do everything in my power to keep him happy. Will I ever be able to get on with things again?

OP posts:

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WidowWadman · 07/02/2010 18:56

I think your husband's right. Noone is advocating letting a child wail for hours needlessly, but sometimes it's not avoidable. What do you do when you need a poo? I guess he'll have to wait then, too. Give yourself a break, you can't hover over him non-stop.

Bleatblurt · 07/02/2010 18:59

I never let mine cry, but mine were fairly laid back babies (especially DS3 who honestly just didn't cry at all).

If you DS is just grizzling and not actually wailing then I'd just get on with stuff then. Pop him where he can see you while you do whatever it is, if you can.

ImSoNotTelling · 07/02/2010 19:07

fozzy 5 mins to have a quick visit to the toilet or shower or make a cuppa won't hurt, really. I mean obviously if you can't bring yourself to do it then don't, but i do think your DH is right.

You also could think about how things are going to be if you always give him 100% attention, I hate the "rod/back" comments but it is good to have a child who can amuse themselves a bit.

Having said that I have a friend who takes your approach - it is how she is and anything else would be uncomfortable with her. It does look like very hard work to me, but then i think she thinks that I am deprived of having a baby who turns to mummy all the time.

Which is another thing that occurs to me - do you let H look after him by himself without peering over his shoulder all the time? My friends children will never go to daddy if they trip over or anything, it's all on mummy, and that can leave daddy feeling a bit left out.

Just thinking out loud really.

For me it often feels like having a baby is like a weird game where the object is to not let them cry/stop them crying. But sometimes babies just cry because they're babies, not because anyone is doing anything wrong IYSWIM.

Sorry that's all a bit rambley!

ImSoNotTelling · 07/02/2010 19:08

I suppose what I am trying to say is, relax, they don't break and let other people take charge when they can so you can have a rest.

lovechoc · 07/02/2010 19:21

personally I think your DH is right. give yourself a break, he won't fall to pieces if he cries once or twice for a few mins. I've had to leave my son sometimes and he's cried, but it's usually if I need to have a shower or use the toilet - necessary stuff. It won't damage them if they get upset now and again.

FortifiedBananaHouse · 07/02/2010 19:23

I do the same as you
I can't not

just how it is

Original poster

fozzy26 · 07/02/2010 19:23

Thanks for your wise words! I am guilty of peering over DH's shoulder and I think they are both more relaxed when I'm not around.

WW - When I need a poo I usually run and spend the whole time peering around the door shouting 'it's okay mummy is coming! - she won't be long!' - Silly isn't it!

Thanks for your help. I'm going to make a real effort to relax a little this week! x x

OP posts:

choufleur · 07/02/2010 19:25

If he cries for a few minutes its not the end of the world. it doesn't make you a bad parent.
I hate babies crying but sometimes they just cry.

I used to leave DS in his cot while i had a shower and took the monitor into the bathroom with me. He sometimes cried but i needed to wash.

what do you do while he naps?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 07/02/2010 19:26

Do you have a sling? maybe you could pop him in there and still get on with some stuff that way?

Perhaps not a shower/poo though

Basically agree w what ImSo said.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 07/02/2010 19:28

I was like this with DS. I've since realised that you can only do this with your first child. Since DD has arrived, its become inevitable that both children will at times have to wait and that sometimes they will cry and I won't be able to fix the problem immediately. TBH, I wish I had thought about this before and that ds has learnt this lesson a little earlier in life; it might have eased the transition to two children for all of us.

thatsnotmymonkey · 07/02/2010 19:31

Hmm, its true it is hard to get anything completed, but I think you should consider what sort of relationship you are establishind for you and your baby and father/husband. I understand that when babies are little they need you for everything, but it is also an important skill that they move from dependant to independent, and it is good for even a little baby to sit and look at a picture book, play with the shape sorter etc for a few minutes, and letting your baby know that they can do that safely without you is a good thing.

I just wonder if you and your Dh are on the same page with parenting styles? That is something to sort out soon.
It used to drive me crazy that my DH would watch match of the day with out DS when he was little, but I also thought I had to give a little and let my DH just get on with it sometimes. A bit of Match of the day with daddy chatting to him really isnt a big deal.

sungirltan · 07/02/2010 19:34

does he not have any periods where he will amuse himself for a bit> for example my house is open plan. i pop dd in her baby gym and play with her for a bit - when she is bashing about there by herself i go over in the kitchen and fiddle about with whatever needs doing - washing up/tidying etc. if dd is clingy and i really need to do stuff i put her in either her bumbo or her bouncy chair a take her to watch me- she's ok doing this for a bit as long as i chat away to her or sing!

what about a playpen - door bouncer - baby walker (sorry i dunno what age they are advised from i might be wrong on that)

does he have regular nap times?

ImSoNotTelling · 07/02/2010 19:34

yes definitely leave baby with DH and take yourself off - DH and baby get some lovely time together and you get a soak in the bath/nap/whatever you do to relax. Or even [gasp] go out somewhere!

lovechoc · 07/02/2010 19:34

It's difficult this parenting stuff isn't it. I don't mind letting DS cry for a bit, it's good for him to realise that mummy can't just come to him every single moment of the day. Life isn't like that. Each to their own, we are all comfortable doing our own style of parenting though.

bruffin · 07/02/2010 19:41

"I was like this with DS. I've since realised that you can only do this with your first child. Since DD has arrived, its become inevitable that both children will at times have to wait and that sometimes they will cry and I won't be able to fix the problem immediately. TBH, I wish I had thought about this before and that ds has learnt this lesson a little earlier in life; it might have eased the transition to two children for all of us. "

I used to drop DD at a creche when I took Ds to swimming lessons and they said they could always tell the 2nd babies because the were so much more content and not expected to have someone come to them instantly.

winnybella · 07/02/2010 19:42

I was like you for the first few months, but then I left dd in her cot for 10-15 minutes so I could do stuff. Also used bouncy chair to take her with me while I was showering etc if she was clingy.
Now she 12 mo, I put her in her playpen twice a day for 30-45 minutes,so I can do stuff or just relax.
I think you might need to start leaving him for a bit, otherwise he will get used to be with you non-stop- and having a 3 year old stuck to your leg all the time will be quite tiring for you.

sungirltan · 07/02/2010 19:50

winnybella good idea re playpen - i reckon thats the way esp if its part of the routine as i plan to do with dd now she is a bit bigger

Hullygully · 07/02/2010 19:51

Never did. Why would I?!

sungirltan · 07/02/2010 19:54

op - just re read all this - don't think of this as leaving him to cry - think of it as aiming for him amusing himself for longer periods. you can work up to this with him - you dont have to let him cry if you dont want to

NonnoMum · 07/02/2010 19:57

Sorry to hear your baby has been quite grizzly. it can really wear you out.
I do think that sometimes they just like to have a bit of a moan. My DC3 (6 months) has a "i really want to go to sleep now but I have to make a bit of noise first" cry... This is very different from his upset (someone has sneezed!) cry or his hungry cry.
My DC2 was much calmer and hardly ever cried, and my DC1 was and is a Drama Queen and can let loose over anything.
You might need to give yourself a bit of a break... Don't worry, you don't have to abandon him, but start by not going to him immediately when he starts...

ShowOfHands · 07/02/2010 19:58

I have never left dd to cry and will do my best to continue with this.

Don't parent in a way you don't want to or that doesn't feel 'right' because somebody else does it differently.

DD is 2.8 and is independent, confident, sociable, happy and self-amuses for hours on end.

winnybella · 07/02/2010 20:06

sultangirl I also have a way of making dd happy to go in the playpen. If I just dumped her in it she would not want to stay in. So I put her on the floor next to it, and start organizing the toys in it- make a tower out of the blocks strewn around, put the rings on the ring stacker thing etc, while she's watching me do it. By the time I'm finished she is sooo ready to go in and make it all messy again.

Supercherry · 07/02/2010 20:14

I think there is no harm in your style of parenting. An 8mth old baby shouldn't be left to cry where it's unavoidable IMO. I do think it's good to allow your partner to take over while you have a break though.

My DS1 is now 2yrs old, he was a baby that needed holding, I never left him to cry. He is not at all clingy with me, he is a total daddy's boy, he's really confident and outgoing. Meeting a baby's needs creates security not clinginess IMO.

LukaAmazing · 07/02/2010 20:17

Message withdrawn

WBM · 07/02/2010 20:24

I can't, am just unable to, would start to cry myself in minutes I think! DS will be 2 soon and I have never once left him to cry - and we have not really been separated either so don't know what would happen there, have dealt with most of it alone (DH travels for work, no family/close friends here). He is an only, cannot imagine what I would ever do managing to keep more than one from tears!

When he was the age of your LO, I got nothing done unless he was in the sling. As he got older he has taken great interest in helping me with things so now I am more productive (but slower, messier, and a lot more wonderful moments doing day to day stuff!) Things improved dramatically around a year. Still don't shower until DH is here though.

Not everyone agrees with this approach (MIL says we are only this way because of all of the difficulty TTC for years...) but it's definitely what's right for us and you should do what feels right to you.

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