Do you let your baby cry?

[fozzy26]

My baby son is 8 months old and like all mums I hate to see him cry. I do everything I can to make sure he does not cry but my DH thinks I am being unreasonable. I won't shower / bath until my DH comes home in the evening in case my son cries when I go in. I won't get any jobs started unless my DH is home as I know they won't get finished. When I'm alone with my son I devote 100% of my time to him. Reading the post I can already see it sounds stupid but I feel so guilty if I get on with other things and he is upset. He has been quite a grizzly baby since birth and I try to do everything in my power to keep him happy. Will I ever be able to get on with things again?

I think responding to your baby's needs as often as you can without them crying is great. I've no doubt it leads to a confident, secure child who isn't fearful of a parent leaving them.

But don't sacrifice things like a shower or a bit of a break for this. I think it's really important that you feel you can do some normal things without getting stressed.

You know, you can also gently introduce time out by getting him absorbed in a toy - building blocks or something and have a breather by yourself in the kitchen for a few minutes. If he starts getting upset, pop your head round the door, say, "Boo," and then stay in the kitchen. If he keeps getting upset, go back, reabsorb him in something else and get a breather again. This sort of thing can be done over a long time.

I only say this so that you retain a bit of sanity and something of yourself. If you find it all a bit much sometimes that is.

You sound like a great mum, op.

(Apols, my A key is a bit dodgy and only works half the time)

You don't have to leave him to cry if you don't want to.

I used to grab a quick shower before XP left for work in the morning.

I would let DS crawl around in the bathroom when I was having a poo (this is such a personal preference - some people will say "I couldn't imagine anything worse than having them in there with me!" and some will say "I couldn't bear to leave them crying while I use the toilet!")

It's perfectly OK to start things and leave them half done - as soon as the washing machine cycle ends I will pull out all the washing into a basket and as long as I don't leave it too long (ie overnight) it stays fresh smelling for a lot longer than it would have if left in the machine. So I will hang as much up as I can, then go off and chase DS up the stairs/play with him for a bit/change his nappy etc etc and come back to it later.

Washing up I will only half fill the sink (so if I have to stop I don't wste so much wter) and tend to do it when he is having a snack or something in his highchair so I know he can't go anywhere.

I have got a ring sling - a ring or pouch sling or other crrier you cn use on your hip is excellent, otherwise, I just got used to doing things one handed. The thing about the sling is as you get more confident/they get older, you can scoot it round onto your back nd be able to do more, I even cook with DS on my back now occsionally. (Just be extra careful to avoid their feet being able to kick things) At 8 months DS was often happy to sit in his high chair with a suction type toy and watch me do things, or in his buggy outside watching me hang out the washing.

If you do need to go out of view for a minute, keep talking to him to ressure him, if he is getting bored watching you, try singing songs or put the radio on and do silly dance. As he gets older he can "help" by putting clothes in the wshing machine, "sweeping" the floor etc. It will probably take twice as long but it's good for them to learn early, and fun for him (and funny to watch)

And I do lso think that they do get bored nd cry sometimes, but it's ok, I am now a single mum and DS hs to go in the playpen sometimes (such as if I m getting something out of the oven, or if he is wanting to ply with something dangerous when I m trying to do something importnt) nd if what I m doing is taking too long he does sometimes cry - I just talk to him in a bright voice or sing loudly at him or make silly noises to mke him laugh, and sometimes I am too tired and I do just ignore him, but he is older now and can understand more, and it's never for too long at a time. You need to find your own level of what you are comfortable with

You have to do what you yourself feel comfortable with. Personally I think there's a difference between not leaving your baby to cry and trying to ensure that he never starts crying at all. What's important to me is that my DS knows when he cries, I (or DH) will come to him, not always instantly, but so he has that security.

Is there anything that you can find so he can amuse himself, though? Sounds like that would make your life a lot easier! My baby's a bit younger (5 months) so not sure what's best for an 8 month old. Also, does it matter if you start jobs and abandon them or do them in mini-bursts? That tends to be how my day runs,but maybe I'm just more comfortable with chaos. I sometimes have a bath with DS in the bouncy chair next to me in the bathroom, so I can relax for a bit longer.

My dd 2.11 was a very whiney and cryie baby, we walked on eggshells and one little peep would send us running to see what was up, so much so that now she cannot wait and gets upset if i am delayed getting her stuff. It is good for babies espcially older ones to cry a little so that they know that mum will not come straight away and have to wait a little.

DS wouldn't let me out of his sight when he was a baby. In fact, he wanted to be held pretty much constantly until around 7/8 months.

He's now 19mo and still cries when I leave the room sometimes. He's getting better at being absorbed in things and not noticing so much. He's fine when I'm out of the house BTW, just doesn't much like being by himself when he knows I'm in around.

I'm glad I didn't leave him to cry when he was a baby- I worried about it being wrong too but I just think he needed lots of reassurance.

And agree that giving reassurance builds confidence, not dependance.

Just do what feels right to you. And let DH have a go occassionally

Depends what I am doing and and what kind of crying it is ie if I am doing something necessary that will take a minute or so to complete and the baby is crying because he has just woken up then I finish the job before I go to him. If he is crying because he is stuck or hurt then I rush to him.

Crying is pretty much the best way they have of communicating. It does not always indicate that something devestating has happened or they are distraught. It is not akin to adult crying. Its ok for them to cry for a few minutes while the adults are busy if all the crying means is 'I'm awake and I want to come downstairs' or 'I want to play with the knives and they are out of reach'.

winny - i like your playpen style - will remember that one!

You sound like you are a really devoted mum, but when you say you try to do everything to keep him happy, you should realise that crying does not = sad. Crying can be for lots of reasons and it's good to be able to differentiate between the cries as others have suggested. If your baby is fed, clean, not tired etc, then you should be able to jump in the shower with him playing on the floor or watching you. If he grizzles a bit, then it's not the end of the world.

My DS2 was really difficult as a small baby- I just couldn't put him down. But now he is 9mo, and has just learnt to crawl, he is quite happy pottering around a lot of the time. Yes, he will cry if i go out of sight, or if he is tired or needs a cuddle or is hungry, but i still get jobs done (often with lots of interruptions) and manage to shower/go to the loo (although i can sometimes be found weeing with him sat on my lap when i know he just will be hysterical if i put him down). I suggest little steps- try a short shower first then gradually build up as he gets used to it. Work out what his favourite toys are and have them around when you need him to play. I have an activity pod/centre in the kitchen which is great to entertain him whilst i cook, put washing on etc. Good luck- it will get easier, but be prepared for separation anxiety soon too .

"WW - When I need a poo I usually run and spend the whole time peering around the door shouting 'it's okay mummy is coming! - she won't be long!' - Silly isn't it!"

Not silly and I understand why you do this but you might be making it worse...
DS was very clingy and had bad separation anxiety from about 8 months, so I used to do what you did, and talk to him all the time I was out of the room and give him a big cuddle when I got back and made a huge song and dance about it. Basically, I was teaching him that it was a Bad Thing when Mummy left him. I realised this and changed how I did it, so I'd say "Mummy's just popping upstairs, back in a minute", then leave him to it and when I came back, I'd say "right then, what were we doing?" and carry on where we'd left off without making a big deal of it.

He learnt that being left alone for a couple of minutes was a normal part of the day. He still complained about it but did improve.

DS is 2 now and still fairly clingy, but that's just in his nature. Now he follows me upstairs! But he will amuse himself for short periods now and has more understanding, so I can say "I'm just going to do XYZ and then we'll play". It does get better!

yes, I did at 8 months. And even at 8 weeks if I needed the loo (which was pretty often thanks to lactulose).