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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Friendships in Reception Year

30 replies

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 19:05

My five year old daughter is part of a trio of close pals in her reception class. Her teacher has told me & the parents of the other two that they all need to play more with other children. Teacher admitted that the other few girls in this class are either tomboys or loners, ie no other potential playmates. The other reception class is teeming with girly girls and I am now considering whether I should ask that my daughter is moved to the other class. She is the most gregarious of the trio. I feel let down by the school at the strange distribution of children between the two classes which leaves one class with a handful of mis-matched kids and the other class with the more rounded kids. I know I'm probably over-reacting about this though.

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CirrhosisByTheSea · 27/01/2010 19:12

I think all the adults should stop worrying! This is reception year - they have had, what - 5 months of school in which to start to learn about friendships within school. Blimey! It's nothing but a positive thing if your daughter has formed a close bond with two other girls.

I would have thought that it would be a more measured and appropriate response for the teacher to ensure that, during class time, your daughter is paired up with other kids as well as her friends at times. Also for moving on to year 1, the teachers can assess whether healthy friendship groups have formed or whether everyone would benefit from a shake-up and starting year 1 with a different set of kids.

Habbibu · 27/01/2010 19:17

Why can't she play with tomboys or boys?

notnowbernard · 27/01/2010 19:19

"more rounded kids" - what do you mean? Better to be with the girly girls?

They are 4 and 5, do try and get this in perspective

I would rather my DC be in a class with a varied group of children rather than a particular set I think they would be 'matched' to

orienteerer · 27/01/2010 19:20

they are only 4 or 5!!!

Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 19:47

I am hoping that there will be a 'shake-up' when they go into year 1. We (me & the other two mums) were invited into the classroom today after school & told all this, & that 3 is a crowd etc & one is often left out ... I suggested encouraging them to play with others which I think the teacher does do, but these three naturally gravitate towards each other as they are all 'girly girls'. I don't mind who my daughter plays with, but these are her first choice.
I suppose I'd just like her to have the opportunity to play with more 'like minded' kids, of which her class is lacking.
So you think I should not have a word with the teachers about this? I just feel that she has been 'dumped' in this class of difficult children. Other mums (not just us 3) feel this way as well.

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Habbibu · 27/01/2010 19:49

No, don't. You can't socially engineer your children's lives, and I really, really don't think it's at all fair to write off all these wee children as "difficult". Maybe it would be good for your daughter to mix with children who are less like her.

Habbibu · 27/01/2010 19:50

And really, why can't she play with boys?

Aranea · 27/01/2010 19:53

Wow, you're being incredibly negative about the other children in your dd's class. To leap from the other girls being 'tomboys' or 'loners' to them being 'difficult' is a bit surprising to me. Do you assume that the little girls who are playing on their own will not want to form friendships? Perhaps your dd could be encouraged to include some of them in her games with her trio of friends. They all need to learn social skills, whether it's how to join in and make friendships or how to be inclusive, thoughtful and kind to their classmates.

Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 19:54

(smile)
I don't know why she won't play with boys. She's popular with the boys (everyone actually) but she's very very small for her age & maybe its because they're too rough & tumble for her. She seems to avoid some of the more bouncy girls, for the same reason I guess.
Not all the kids are difficult but this class has the higher proportion of them.
Ok, thanks for the advice folks. I'll hold fire for now. However, I think in the summer when they're dreaming up the classes for year one, I'll put forward my pennies-worth.

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Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 19:56

Aranea,
Those were the words of her teacher, not me!!

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Habbibu · 27/01/2010 19:57

Threes are a bit of a bugger, actually - I'd find out names of children in her class and talk about them, etc so that if the dynamic of the 3 shifts, she's not suddenly at a loss. And you may find you like the children more too, if you get to know them a bit better.

Aranea · 27/01/2010 20:01

I suppose I'm a bit sad at the idea of people writing off 4yos as 'loners'. I think a child who plays on their own a lot is likely to be one who hasn't got the hang of asking others to play with them. They may well be going home and sadly telling their mothers that no-one plays with them.

I agree that the dynamic of a threesome is uncomfortable, but it does seem to be very common. I think if I were you I would be suggesting playdates with some of the other little girls to see if I could shift the social dynamics a bit. You might find everyone ends up happier.

Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 20:03

Yes, I may like them better if I get to know them more. However, we have known most of them for about two years (nursery beforehand) & none of them were mentioned by my daughter for the right reasons.
Maybe that's what irritated me, that in nursery, my daughter played with loads of kids but it seems that most of them were put into the other class.
Mine is the one who gets on better with people which is why I considered getting her moved.

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hocuspontas · 27/01/2010 20:03

If the school always mix in yr 1 then I can guarantee that the threesome will be split. Just be prepared for your dd to stay in the potentially new 'difficult' class and the others go the more 'rounded' class though!

sarararararah · 27/01/2010 20:03

How would the school know the personalities of the children before they started in Reception? They can't know which are the girly girlsand which are the tomboys before they start can they? Really, it will all be fine. It's great your DD's teacher is so aware of the social side of things she's doing something about it. Encourage your DD to play with others, but definitely DON'T interfere in the classes and try and get her moved. That won't help in the long run. We all have to learn to get on with all sorts in this life. That's part of the point of going to school isn't it?

Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 20:08

I also feel terrible for kids that are lonely or find it more difficult to make friends & I'm very relieved that my kids seem to find it easy.
We recently had a party & invited all of the girls in her class but a lot of them did play alone, coming to think of it.
I will try to think of another child for her to have over for dinner/play. She did mention one but it was just before Christmas so totally out of the question!

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Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 20:12

hocuspontas - crikey, I hope not!!
I'll have to steam up to school to put them right if so!
They'll be mixed with year 2s as well so a total shake up, won't be (or feel) so pointed.
Most of these children were in the nursery which is attached to the school, for a year beforehand, nearly two years in some cases.

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FanjolinaJolie · 27/01/2010 20:19

"I feel let down by the school at the strange distribution of children between the two classes which leaves one class with a handful of mis-matched kids and the other class with the more rounded kids. I know I'm probably over-reacting about this though."

Yes, I think you are definitely over-reacting here.

And talking really quite negatively about other peoples children.

annoyingdevil · 27/01/2010 20:28

My DD is a tomboy, in reception, who is forever trying to make friends with a trio of girls (who are often quite mean to her).

She's been hit by one of them, told she can't be friends with another and told she can't come to the third girl's party.

I'm feeling really sad for her, she has no friends (Despite being chatty and outgoing). She hasn't been invited to a single party either.

SoupDragon · 27/01/2010 20:31

It's pot luck whether a class gels. At DSs school they carefully pick children from the nursery who work well together and place them in groups in the 3 classes. then they mix in those who didn't go to the nursery to provide a good mix. DS1 ended up in a fantastic class which bonded beautifully, DS2's is OK and there are people whose class didn't work as well. However, those are the classes they are in for their entire primary education.

They aren't going to change the classes because one mother is complaining that their child deserves to be in the "rounded" class and not the one she has labelled "difficult". If they shifted children about on the whims of parents who aren't happy, you'd end up with an Upper Class Class and a class that the other parents have deemed rejects.

notnowbernard · 27/01/2010 20:35

AnnoyingDevil - try not to worry too much. If your dd's personality is already a chatty and friendly one, she won't have trouble making friends

I do wonder if we as parents just let go of all our angst and engineering around friendships and parties etc our DC would just be able to grow up and get on

A lot of the time we want our kids to be friends with those that we deem appropriate/desirable/"well rounded"/compatible etc

I want my dds to play with everyone and anyone. I really don't care who it is at Infant school age!

paisleyleaf · 27/01/2010 20:42

"I'm very relieved that my kids seem to find it easy"

I thought the point in the thread is that she isn't finding it easy to form friendships with the other girls in her class.

Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 20:50

Good thing at our school is that the classes are mixed up every two years.
AnnoyingDevil, I hope things pick up for your daughter. It makes me so sad when I see a child looking friendless & I do encourage my child to mix, but when I'm not there its up to the teacher.
The only children I don't particularly relish my kids becoming best buddies with, are ones who are persistently naughty. I suppose I prefer my kids to befriend those whose parents I instinctively like, but sometimes they go their own way & you just have to go with it!

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Original poster

pipsqueak71 · 27/01/2010 20:55

She does find it easy to make friends but the other children left are either boys/tomboys or loners (teacher's words) who prefer to do things on their own. Apparently there are no other like minded children in her class, ie girly girls. This is the teacher telling us that we must encourage more mixing, but at the same time telling us that the other kids have different interests etc. This was my original question, should I get her moved to the other class where there is an abundance of girly girls? I have read some good advice on here though and am going to 'suck it and see' until the next academic year.

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PigeonPair · 27/01/2010 21:01

My DS was also in the Nursery of his school for a year before starting Reception. Before they moved to Reception, the Nursery staff made a point of mixing the classes not just on personalities but also on the time of year they were born (to ensure a good mix of age) and ability (so as not to have a class of "stars").

It sounds as though you and the other two mothers have slightly "written-off" the rest of the class and am I the only one thinking it is perhaps a little unprofessional of the teacher to label them as loners/difficult?

I know it may sound a little unrealistic, but isn't it an important life-skill for children to learn to get along with different personalities???

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