Anxious 6yo...any thoughts?

[Flightattendant]

Could use some advice regarding how best to help my ds, if anyone has got any ideas. I just had a specialist assess ds1 for possible dyslexia. What she did was actually an 'intelligence test' which can highlight dyslexia among other things, so it was quite interesting.

Not got full writeup yet but have spoken to her, and what came back has kind of thrown me slightly.

It seemed to indicate that yes, he does have moderate dyslexia BUT she said none of the major markers are present...he scored highly on nearly everything and the remaining thing he couldn't do she put down to immaturity.

She thinks dyslexia showed up possibly for other reasons, but I can't remember what she said and it was all a bit inconclusive.

Anyway what she did say was his intelligence is roughly 98th/99th percentile, his cognitive ability is way up there (something like 140 IQ?) yet nobody has mentioned this at school...she said ds is the cleverest little boy she has dealt with.

She also said he is the most anxious.
I'm a bit unsure about how to handle this. We have a moderately uneventful home life, no big crises, though I do suffer with anxiety myself. I'm just not sure what to do for him.
He only recently started sleeping in his own bed (about a year ago) but continues to have a few issues with this, sleeplessness, wanting to sleep in my bed etc - sometimes has bad dreams - but I thought this was quite normal I suppose.
Have mentioned the dyslexia to school, but not sure what else I need to do. I don't want him to be anxious, and I can see that he is now she mentions it...sorry, am rambling a bit!

Thanks for any thoughts.

Btw school have always been fairly negative about his literacy etc, last year it was all about keeping him in at playtime to finish work (he was very slow) and telling me he was 'below range'.

This year haven't had a meeting yet but it is clear he is moving faster and catching up with the literacy thing...specialist said he is about 55th in that side of things, so just above average i suppose.

But I've been nagging them on the dyslexia front since he started, and nobody ahs said they suspect it, and nobody has said he is particularly bright.

I don't want him to be anxious because he feels he isn't any good at school stuff.

I said soemthing vague about the 11 plus on the way home today and before I could explain further (and how I thought he would have no problem with it) he said 'I'll never pass, I'm rubbish'

no idea what's going on, and I feel like I'm losing any grip on his development because I don't know what it's like for him all day.

Hi Flightattendant

I'm afraid I don't have any specific ideas on how to deal with your ds's anxiety. But I'll be watching your thread with interest, as I have a dd who is also over-anxious and worrisome, despite also having an uneventful home life. (I have already posted about this, but haven't had much help so far...).

I have also heard dd put herself down in the way your ds does - it's terrible to hear, isn't it, and I'd really like to know how best to support dc who seem to be determined to undermine themselves.

Thankyou Traveller...i'm sorry, I went to get ds's dinner and got rather distracted by the under-sink cupboard and some mould!

Sorry to hear that your daughter is in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking because no matter how often I try and tell him he is great, clever, lovely and that I love him, he just seems not to be able to absorb what I am saying.

He usually seems cheerful and is always trying to make his friends laugh, and his little brother - but i wonder what is going on underneath to make him so sad and worried.

Is your dd a similar age? What have school said about her?

Dd's 5 and just started school last August. They haven't said much re her anxiety - tbh I'm only just beginning to be aware of it myself. By that I mean, I've gradually become more aware of how hyper-critical of herself she is, and how perfectionist she is too - and how she worries so much when she can't get it right, and being only 5 there are many times when she doesn't! Does your ds have this perfectionist trait too? In which case maybe that's why he's so hard on himself.

Maybe part of maturity is learning to accept you can't be perfect?

Another theory I have is that a lot of kids may have worries but how they express them may differ - with dd, it's v obvious as she becomes weepy and sad, but maybe others act out with behaviour. I wish I knew more how to help her - maybe someone with more knowledge will be along with some advice!

ps how did the specialist assess his anxiety - or was it just an observation she made in the course of her assessment?

I think you have to accept him for what he is. He is anxious, nothing you can do to change that by the sounds of things; he has a happy home life and supportive parents, therefore it seems obvious that this is more a character trait than anything else. My ds is similarly anxious particularly about school and about going to bed! I think it's really important not to worry too much about the anxiety because that is only going to heighten things; just keep providing that stable and loving home life and ensure that you tell him how proud you are of him, just for being him

However, number one for me would be sharing as much as possible of this with the school. they need to know that he is a very clever boy with dyslexia. Be as definite as you can with them, give them a copy of the report when it comes if you want to....but imo, the most important thing is that school know - because (as I've found with my ds) it is all to easy to label the good, quiet underacheiving boys as 'Tim Nice But Dim'........don't let them do it!

Exceptionally bright children often are anxious, I've been told - too many worrying thoughts going through their heads that they can't control, even at night when they want to be able to shut off... This is also more likely in children with very uneven intelligence levels - eg those having a huge discrepancy between verbal IQ and performance IQ. It is quite possible, for example, to have excellent cognitive abilities, but slow processing speed and working memory, making it far harder work for you to show just how intelligent you are (or at least, to show how intelligent you are in the traditional ways used by schools). An exceptionally bright person would find it particularly distressing to see how they were letting themselves down when asked to put pen to paper or keep track of a series of verbal instructions that they recognise should actually be quite simple to follow. If the school is made aware that the issue is not one of intelligence, they should work hard to help him get around the real difficulties he is facing, rather than dumbing everything down to a patronising level at which he is bored stupid (giving him more time to think negative, self-critical thoughts about how he can't even do the easy stuff) because they think he wouldn't understand anything more complicated even if given the time and patience...

Thankyou for some very very helpful and interesting messages, I'm so glad I posted this.

Traveller, I think that is a very good point - that maybe our children have this huge awareness of what they should be able to do, and how things should be, but their bodies and/or brains let them down. My mother said 'he will grow out of it' meaning I think what you said about maturity. there must be immense frustration in not being able to accomplish what you can so clearly see is the desired result, iyswim.

I think it was an observation from his responses to the test and general demeanour rather than part of the actual assessment.

Cbythesea I agree, it's very important they know what they are dealing with and that he doesn't get written off...he's not exactly the quiet type (!) but I think sometimes gets labelled as a chatterbox or as 'slow' rather than someone trying to break out of a dyslexic shell. I will make sure he knows how proud I am of him.

Rabbitstew I have actually emailed myself a copy of your post. It's brilliant.
That is just ds exactly. He goes to bed but can't get to sleep, keeps worrying about things, processing things from the day...and he can't follow simple instructions, I can ask him several times to do something very easy indeed and he still spins round in circles doing everything and anything but, because it just doesn't seem to go into his brain.
The woman we saw did mention 'slow processing' when I spoke to her last year and I have to say it makes a great deal of sense. In fact I can relate strongly to it myself - I can't read an entire book, for instance, because I will be so focused on the fine detail of each sentence, and can stare and stare at the same sentence for ages and it won't get through my eyes into my head, so I can't remember what it says.
Very odd! My sister can read a novel in two hours. Yet I also have this 140+ IQ (apparently!) and didn't have the problems ds has at school.

I will try and get a meeting organised with his teachers next week once we have the report thing. I really think they need to know how clever he is, as knowing that has helped me step back...I never realised before quite how bright he is, and it has been very useful to find out. I need to work on ways to allow his cognitive skills to be expressed.

Thanks again for all your help everyone.

My DS is often anxious, doesn't sleep well and I believe he has low self-esteem. I was getting very worried about it, so I started investigating alternative therapies. Yesterday we went to see a craniosacral therapist for the first time. She could tell he was anxious, even stressed. The session lasted quite long, but he slept like an angel. She reckons he has accumulated anxiety and anger, which could be related to his birth (10 lbs baby: forceps delivery). I don't know what to believe, but I am going to give it a go.

By the way, he's 6 years old as well.

That's very interesting...thankyou for suggesting it. I've heard good things about CST. Let us know if it seems to help in the longer term.

I dont have the time to read all the answers flight but I didnt want to not comment.

My ds1 is very similar although hes now older .....i think it was just that he was able to conceive problems and worry about consequences for example when he was quite small harold shipman was all over the newspapers ds1 worried dreadfully that maybe our (lovely) GP was like him and everytime any of us became ill or needed a prescription or anything he became quite anxious - although he understood what had happened he didnt understand the situation bcos he was so young - yrt his friends had no idea who shipman was.

He too was extraordinarily bright and I used to worry about him not receiving the education that was upto him (without being pfb about it ).

But whilst he was intellectually way above socially he was very immature.

Anyway to cut this lesson short he eventually 'grew into himself' and there is a place for everyone in this world and the children nearly always find their 'place'.

We did CST and sadly it didn't work. It was most interesting though. Good luck ColdBunny, I know it works for some, so hoping you're one of them.

Dd1 suffers from anxiety, has high IQ and is the same age as your DS. Dd1 has a diagnoses of Aspergers syndrome and also shows signs of having dyspraxia.

Dd worries about really silly things and gets upset very easily.

Thankyou Nickschick, glad you had a happy ending!! that is encouraging.

Marne I hadn't considered him AS material as it were, though I almost certainly have it - he doesn't strike me as socially having any issues, which I really did and always have.

It would be worth considering though, thankyou for mentioning it.

Flight when weve chatted before I have noticed the similarities between my ds1 and yours ....mines currently doing 4 A levels not bad for a little boy deemed 'sen'.

Flight I'd be hacked off at the school and delight in taking the report into them once you've got it. They should easily have spotted how bright he is if they were doing their job properly. How sad that he feels 'rubbish' - whatever his ability that's a sad thing to hear in one so young. But equally how fab that he has a mum like you fighting his corner. Go in armed and dangerous I say

Thanks gals, Nickschick that's amazing well done him!! and you! that showed them!

Smee I am hacked off but I tried my best last year to get through that he was bright, but having difficulty expressing it...they weren't interested, though I did make a stand on the keeping-in-at-playtimes nonsense. Which specialist agrees with me is totally counter productive

This year I was ill for parents' consultations, then made a new date and she forgot about it, then we made yet another and ds was off that day! Have not had the heart to make another date after all that..so I don't actually have a clue what she thinks of him. I think she is nicer than last year's teacher though.

I wanted to ask them about him before I show the report, find out whether they have indeed picked up on his intellect but I'm not sure how now...might get a quick meeting this week with any luck.
I will be waiting for her to say 'well he is a bright boy but a bit below average' or something, then I can hit her with the 98th centile bit

Sorry I am evil. I know she has brought him on hugely this year judging by his writing and reading, so she doesn't deserve that!
But would LOVE to do it to his yr1 teacher.

On a slightly different note, the thing Cirrhosis and Rabbit said about giving him dull work to do - he came home with his spellings today and they are as follows:

mum
my
dog
day
the
no

He has been able to spell/read these for mONTHS. What gives?
When we were doing the test he read the word 'contemporary' without even thinking about it for more than a second.

We deffo need to have words this week I think.

Yeay, go for it. Though you're right, at least give her a chance first .

If you suffer with anxiety yourself you will know it doesn't always just go away with maturity. Have you considered finding out if your local children's Occupational Therapy dept will offer assessment and advice?

I'd give the new teacher a chance to read the report before you meet with her otherwise you might feel that you had a pointless meeting.

Thankyou, I hadn't considered that viewpoint Jollyma. You're right of course.

I didn't realise there might be an OT for children, or that they might be able to help with this.

Have just spoken to ds about his spellings list and he said they were only given to 'purple group', which it transpires is the group that 'does very easy stuff because we're not very good at stuff'

Am almost at point of despair re school having a CLUE about his needs. I was going to wait for meeting in a couple of weeks when we have the report but I think I need to have a chat with her asap, because i am quite angry he is A) being streamed at all, B) being streamed into the bottom set and C) being told, or somehow gaining the perspective that it is because he is 'not very good at stuff'

How is that in any way good for him?

I have come to the conclusion that he is still in that group because nobody has tried giving him something harder. They shouldn't just leave him there ffs.

I'm going to have a stiff drink (cup of tea) tomorrow and sort it out. Oh God I hate confrontation.

Any thoughts on how to phrase these points much appreciated.

sympathy flight. ds1 is 6. anxious. very bright. doesn't struggel at school. awful behaviour at home. so no suggestions. just sympathy. I am totally non anxious. very confident. so it saddens me that i have an anxious child. how did that happen ?

Hello Ob
I remember your ds, he is great. Thanks for the sympathy!

flight, bash her with the brightest boy woman has met. 98th percentile stuff. not stimulated. underestimated.
bamboozle her with scentific facts,. big words. to say that she is not doing the best by him.

Flight, my DD is 12 and was very anxious as a child, I don't know if you remember me posting a few months ago, it had developed into OCD. She has been having therapy (4 times) and she isn't back to they way she was, she's even better. Maybe if your Ds is still anxious around puberty time herapy may help him. I don't know if 6 is too young, it may be worh getting some info.

My DD is going to be tested for AS, she has no problems socially either.

Cranial oestopathy has helped her as well as The Bach Flower Remedies.

Its really hard to approach these issues without coming across like 'my child just needs more of a challenge'. Teachers must get so sick of parents saying this.

I think I would go in and tell her that you have been to have him assessed and would like to share the findings with her. Say you are confused about the opinion of the specialist and that it really seems to differ with the opinion you are getting from previous teachers at school. I would also express concern about your son's opinion that he is 'not good at stuff' and until you have the report to hand over focus on his worries.

You don't need to have a confrontation at this point if you phrase it as a plea for help rather than that you think they are missing something. Once you have an idea about how this particular teacher perceives his abilities and the report as ammunition you can have a good think about your approach and arrange a second meeting.