Poor, poor DS (7yo). He has no friends. Not one. I really need to tackle this and need advice.

[winnybella]

He says he has no friends at school. We moved and he started it in September.
I made an appointment with his teacher a month ago and she said that she sees him with other kids all the time. When I repeated this to DS he said that he stays near others but doesn't play with them as they don't want him to.
Teacher was supposed to observe him and send me a follow up email in a week's time, but she hasn't done so.
So, today I went to school to give him his swim kit that he has forgotten and there he was, standing alone, leaning on the wall during recreation.
Just before I saw him I actually spoke to the teacher who said that, indeed, he's never alone, but always outside, never a part of the group, ill at ease.
I went out again into the courtyard and, again, there he was, in a different place, still alone against the wall.
My heart nearly broke.
He is smart ( near the top of his class), but not necessarily 'nerdy' iykwim. He collects Pokemon cards etc,plays with his Nintendo DS, so not out of touch with his peers.
He can be awkward sometimes, say things that are impolite or not right for the moment. Also he gets upset v.easily, can't take a joke at all. He does have a sense of humour, though, just not really when it is related to him.
The thing is, I used to be like that, always an outsider, couldn't do small talk, felt ill at ease around others. But even I managed to have a couple close friends at school.
He had shitty childhood, as his father was emotionally abusive towards me ( and physically few times, as well). I left him 4 years ago, but we share custody, so it's week here and week with his dad ( who might be an asshole, but loves him to bits).He was an only child, I don't know if that had any influence on his relations with others?
I got The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, but while he fits the Different Drummer description and bits of others, I find actually working through the book with him difficult, as he just dismisses its validity.
I was thinking of taking him to a behavioural therapist.
What do you think? What is the best way to tackle this?
He will have his birthday in a month and when I asked him who does he want to invite, he said no one, and the two kids he has asked said they live too far to come ( doubt it).
I don't want him to be the most popular kid in class, but having no friends at all? He had his difficulties in the last one, but still had few friends.
Please help. What course of action would you take?

I think the school should be doing more to help, esp with such a young child. Can you make an appointment to go to see the teacher again to talk about it in more detail, and to impress on her that it is a big problem for you and your ds? Or the headteacher, if you feel that his teacher is not being supportive enough.

I think, though, that it is not a case of bullying, really, more of inability of DS to get along with others, being awkward, unsure of himself...
He is a lovely boy and seeing him rejected makes me so sad.
I was wondering whether some sort of CBT would help him to relate to others more easily.
Also, he is very confident around adults.
With kids, I think he is a bit possessive...he wants someone to be his friend and play only/mainly with him.
I am not sure, I'm trying to put all the puzzle pieces together.
It sucks.
That's why I would love to hear an inspirational story from someone who's been there with their kid.

Not an expert at all, but has he got any hobbies outside school? Football club, or judo or anything. Often friendships can be formed outside of school, but may extends to school.

I feel for you both. Take care xx

He did judo last year, but didn't really like it.
He is actually scared of doing anything in which he might not excel. So far he has refused to learn to ride a bike, join a football club etc.
His father doesn't really help here as he still treats him like a baby and doesn't do the boys stuff with him.

what about boy scounts?

We're in France, I'm not even sure they have them here. I'll find out.
Still, there's got to be something I can do to help him make friends in school.
It must be horrible for your self-esteem to feel you are rejected like that

I really feel for you winny. That must be totally heartbreaking. Don't beat yourself up over him being an "only" child though, that was out of your control and you did the best thing for him by getting out of that abusive relationship. You mentioned you are in France, presumably he speaks fluent french, there is no language barrier here?
I think behavioural therapy would be worth a go (though it might be expensive). I think he would really need to WANT to participate though. Does he see it as a problem? You mention him standing against the wall on his own, does he make attempts to approach other children / join in?

Just as a thought, if he can't think of specific individuals to invite to his birthday, could you (if you could bear it), invite the whole class, as that way no one would have to be "picked". Also would give you the chance to observe their interactions, would "raise his profile" as a kid to get to know, also would give you a chance to meet some of the parents?

Best x

Thank you all four your replies.
He's half French, so no language barrier.
When I asked him today why he isn't playing with others, he said in a sort of resigned way 'but with whom?'
I'm scared of what will happen if I invite the whole class and no one will turn up?
I have to go to pick him up now, but will come back to this thread and any suggestions are very welcome.

for

You said he had friends at his last school, so you know he is capable of making friends.

When my ds was 9, he had one friend. So if that friend was off school, it was a problem. I remember telling him that he should try to chat to more boys in his class, especially before the bell rang at 9am, as he was always sitting on his own if his friend hadn't appeared yet. Well, I saw him from a distance trying to interact with others - attempting to tig and play with them and them just ignoring him. He kept trying and it was totally heartbreaking. I wish I had never suggested it, and I wish I had never witnessed it.

I didn't make any other suggestions to him and was glad he had at least one friend. Now, 2 years on, he has about 4 close friends! He is friends with boys who he has known but not been friends with before!

I just wanted to lend my support, because it is completely heartbreaking to think of your child with no friends, or being rejected.

What I would say though, is that things can change! You may find that in a couple of months he has a good group of friends that you would never have expected.

I do think the school should be doing more - like a 'buddy' system where older children always approach younger ones on their own. No child should have to stand on their own at break time.

Also, if he doesn't like doing hobbies where he might fail publicly - what about art and craft? Or music? Anything that will get him interacting with others.

Good luck xx

Where are you in France? We used to live in Paris and lots of mums and kids used to go to the playground after school for gouter. Do you know any of the other mums? If I were you I'd try and get to know a couple of his classmates' mums either at the playground or by inviting them round for a gouter after school - that way he can see one or two of his classmates out of school on a one-to-one basis. Maybe he's finding it hard to break into the group.
We had a huge a birthday party for my daughter when she changed schools at seven (another french school)- she invited all the girls in her class. Some didn't turn up, but quite a few did and it was a good way to get to know some parents as we laid on a few drinks and nibbles afterwards.
Personally I'd hesitate to take him to a behavioural specialist - I think the French answer to almost any problem is to see a psychologue! From what you've said it's obviously not the easiest time for him - starting a new school and splitting his time between you and his dad - you don't really need to see a psychologue to tell you that.
Wish I could give you a magic formula - it breaks my heart reading your post - my boy is nearly seven and I couldn't bear it if it were him.
Lots of hugs for you.

Thank you all.
Fartmeister, yes, I guess it can change, but for now it must be so hard for him.
Lilian- we're in Paris. I haven't really got to knowing any mums here yet, as the school is quite big, so there's lots of parents waiting outside, so it's a bit hard to figure out who is who. Playground closes quite early at this time of year, we definitely will be there almost everyday in a couple of months.
He said when we came back' you see, I told you there's no one for me to play with' and he said other kids are always telling him there's already enough of them for any particular game. I asked him why does he think kids are not including him and he just repeated what he said before. Obviously that is not the real reason (at least not every single time). He doesn't really want to talk about it and is reading a book.

Lilian, I thought about a cognitive behavioural therapist to show him how to deal better with others, how to be more comfortable, confident etc., and maybe get rid of some of his behaviours like interrupting conversations, being possessive of friends, getting upset very easily etc.
I thought a specialist might be better equipped to deal with it than me: I really don't know how to approach it.

I'm not in anyway qualified to judge never having met your son, I just think the French are too quick to try and get very young children into therapy. I've lost count of the number of very young children at my dc's schools who have been referred to psychiatrists and psychologists for the slightest variation from the norm. It seems like a sledgehammer to crack some very tiny nuts to me (unfortunate analogy when I read it back, but you know what I mean).
I would try and get him together with some of his classmates first - I don't envy you trying to sort out who's who in the mass ranks at the schoolgate - it's really hard to break in, but for your son's sake I would try and get to know some mums I think if you get a couple of his classmates on their own it might be easier for your son.
When is his birthday? The party idea is a good one, but I'm wondering what you will do in a Paris apartment if everyone turns up? (Where abouts are you by the way?)
What about Wednesday afternoon activities - do they have any at school or what do others do? If not sport then what about bricolage/arts plastique (ds loves that) if he's not sporty or what about music school? If the teachers are anything like the teachers I've encountered in French schools I imagine they don't help much - other posters mention the buddy system in English schools, but I've never come across anything like that in France!

I think I will try to sign him up for a couple of activities/ sport and see how it goes.
We're at Bastille.
Apartment is not tiny, but maybe not big enough for 30 kids.
Maybe it's silly, but I'm really scared no one will turn up. How would that affect him? It's in 4 weeks.
Teacher is nice but a bit perplexed by the whole thing and doesn't really seem like someone who would initiate anything iyswim.
Thing is, and I don't mean to be shallow or offensive,that he is not in any way 'different'- he's tall, handsome, wears normal clothes ( not the 'coolest' ones maybe, but no pullovers knitted my grandma iyswim), is into all that Japanese manga stuff etc- so it really is a problem with his inability to blend with other children, I guess.
He is a nice, intelligent kid, but can be contrary, stubborn, and doesn't seem to get all the 'rules' about human interaction- oh, I don't know...maybe he's just rude to other kids? His father can be, often...I just don't know. He can often be lovely and helpful at home. Sigh.

What kind of stuff does he like to do? I think it would be a good idea to sign him up for stuff but I would sign him up for stuff that he will enjoy (be it art/dram/karate whatever) as then he will be in an environment that he is more inclined to enjoy and therefore it should be easier to make friends.

Goodluck

He sounds lovely. I'm sure if you invite everyone at least some will turn up - in fact you'll be glad if it's not all of them. If you do an RSVP then you'll have a chance to chat to those who say they can't come and maybe arrange an after school gouter - or even just a chance to chat at the school gate. I feel sure that if you can make contact with parents they will help to encourage friendships - more effectively than the teachers. All mums want to try and extend the hand of friendship to newcomers and at seven they are still young enough to be influenced by their mums! My experience of French teachers is that they do teaching, but not much pastoral stuff - certainly not playground duty or any lunchtime supervision.

TheCrackFox- that is a problem-he is scared of doing 'boys'' things-or rather anything at what he might not be very good at- basically fear of anything new, I guess. He did judo last year. I went to a competition his club had organized and DS would be very efficient at holding the opponent at bay but would not attack-so he didn't win anything and was very upset. It's like there's something holding him back.
Now he just said that he doesn't know who to invite, and at my suggestion to invite the whole class said that he doesn't want everyone here and he just doesn't want a party. I could see he was sad.

Was so touched by your post and your love for your child - you sound a lovely thoughtful Mum. As a child I found it difficult to fit in too, although that did change hugely as I got older and worked out who I wanted to be with and what I wanted to do, and I don't think many, if any, of my adult friends would know how anxious I was socially as a child. Just wanted to echo others who have said it can change, and friendships can suddenly appear. Things that helped me were having a pet to play with out of school and doing some activities out of school, and reading made such a world of difference - being able to escape and get lost for a while.
I wondered about the birthday party - I would have found the anxiety awful - not being sure who would turn up and so on - i wonder if celebrating his birthday doing something special together you and he know he will really enjoy would be better, and then gently build up connections with other children/parents over the rest of the year, rather than there being a huge pressure about the party working well. What I personally would have loved would have been my Mum to really acknowledge to me how difficult school was at primary school and giving me a big hug rather than trying to jolly me out of it/trying to say it's not so bad....Realise this post is entirely flavoured by my own experiences and feel free to ignore! You sound lovely, and I hope your son has a lovely birthday and gets settled at school.

Oh your poor little ds. My eldest is 5, so I don't really have any useful experience to offer, but I was just wondering whether you are being a bit quick to assume he is doing something 'wrong'.

If he's not a fantastically social animal, it might be hard to find a way in to established friendships and it might not be the case that he is actually getting on people's nerves or whatever. I agree with those who have suggested organising playdates with others in his class. Maybe the teacher could help you get in contact with other parents, if you can't figure out who is who at the school gate? I would think that some one-to-one playtime could make a world of difference to his time at school and help him to feel more confident about finding ways of contributing to the others' games.

Good luck, it sounds very painful for both of you.

i used social skills workbooks for DS at that age

they were great

i'll see if i can dig them out

he (and you) sound lovely

Awww guys...thank you for all your lovely replies.

ernestbear- it happened for me in a similar way, I was really awkward at school (although I always had a couple of close friends) and as I grew up I learned to relax around people. But I do remember how horrible it is to feel alienated from your peers and so would like to make it easier for DS.

Aranea- if he was just a loner and he didn't mind,that would be fine, but I'm afraid that is not the case. And you are right about established friendships and how difficult it may be to find a way in. Still, standing alone in recreation every day is quite extreme. And, as lovely as I think he is, he can be v.awkward socially ie possessive,doesn't know when a joke should end, when he's crossing boundaries etc.

OffciallyMe-I got The Unwritten Rules of Friendship and DS was quite excited about it but then refused to work through it. How do I approach it? We would do an exercise to see if he can tell a difference between telling and tattling and, despite what the book said, he would insist he was right!

I was really careful not to project my school experiences on him and so wasn't making a big deal out of it, but now it has got to a point where I have a really miserable kid on my hands.

Hi there, this is the first time I have ever written a message so I hope this comes across as ok. I have sons, my oldest is 14, my second is 8, the others are younger. There are times when I have worried for them for similar reasons to you, but things have turned out ok. So I firstly wanted to say I feel for you, as your heart is breaking, but I wondered if you socialise with others with your son as well? I found this made a huge difference, as they learn off you how to behave with others, and you can keep an eye on them to see how they are doing in this regard. And I think the advice to invite your sons whole class was great advice, if you can manage it. I don't know if you agree but I find my sons are very sensitive to my emotions, and can be affected by them, so I try to keep a positive face on all situations, although I stress the word try! And I had to learn this the hard way!! He will be ok, he has you supporting him.

That's a very good point fivestillsmiling!
It's true we usually do things together, but not so much with other people.

winnabella - read your OP and felt so desperate for your DS and for you. It must also be particularly hard as you kind of see a repetition of things that happened to you at school.

You said he's quite clever - has he tried chess before? I echo those others here who have suggested joining an after school activity of some sort. Ches isn't too physical or boy-y, IYSWIM.