Poor, poor DS (7yo). He has no friends. Not one. I really need to tackle this and need advice.

[winnybella]

He says he has no friends at school. We moved and he started it in September.
I made an appointment with his teacher a month ago and she said that she sees him with other kids all the time. When I repeated this to DS he said that he stays near others but doesn't play with them as they don't want him to.
Teacher was supposed to observe him and send me a follow up email in a week's time, but she hasn't done so.
So, today I went to school to give him his swim kit that he has forgotten and there he was, standing alone, leaning on the wall during recreation.
Just before I saw him I actually spoke to the teacher who said that, indeed, he's never alone, but always outside, never a part of the group, ill at ease.
I went out again into the courtyard and, again, there he was, in a different place, still alone against the wall.
My heart nearly broke.
He is smart ( near the top of his class), but not necessarily 'nerdy' iykwim. He collects Pokemon cards etc,plays with his Nintendo DS, so not out of touch with his peers.
He can be awkward sometimes, say things that are impolite or not right for the moment. Also he gets upset v.easily, can't take a joke at all. He does have a sense of humour, though, just not really when it is related to him.
The thing is, I used to be like that, always an outsider, couldn't do small talk, felt ill at ease around others. But even I managed to have a couple close friends at school.
He had shitty childhood, as his father was emotionally abusive towards me ( and physically few times, as well). I left him 4 years ago, but we share custody, so it's week here and week with his dad ( who might be an asshole, but loves him to bits).He was an only child, I don't know if that had any influence on his relations with others?
I got The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, but while he fits the Different Drummer description and bits of others, I find actually working through the book with him difficult, as he just dismisses its validity.
I was thinking of taking him to a behavioural therapist.
What do you think? What is the best way to tackle this?
He will have his birthday in a month and when I asked him who does he want to invite, he said no one, and the two kids he has asked said they live too far to come ( doubt it).
I don't want him to be the most popular kid in class, but having no friends at all? He had his difficulties in the last one, but still had few friends.
Please help. What course of action would you take?

Haven't read whole thread as heart went to mouth at thread title and first part re swimming kit.

1. School should be reporting back and making massive effort to be forcing inclusion- mine did where kids weren't naturally the most popular and regardless about the teacher's defense of each finding own friends they are duty bound to do this for social education of all!
2. If you big him up ALL the time you will give him inner confidence and love that WILL get him through and however unfortunate and difficult schhol is hecwill know his parents love and respect him.
3. Get him a superpower- quick. Chess, rollerskating, scooter tricks, poker! Something to set aside!!!! If physically prominent all the better! And the more bizarre, the more friends me might make in HIS own world!!!!

Give him a hug! Feel so sorry for him. Tell him every day that he'll make a wonderful husband and father....

Serenity- I haven't tried playing chess with him, because he was always quite a sore looser and would often abandon a game of checkers or battleships when it wasn't going his way!
But he might have grown up a bit now. I will give it a go and if he has acquired more patience and likes it I will look for a chess club!
Another thing that might not make things easier for him is that I had DD 11 months ago (with a new DP-well newish-it's been 3 years, but only a year and a half of living together) and obviously baby needs a lot of attention- he might be feeling less important now, maybe? I should have mentioned it in my OP, but his social difficulties predate DD, they just have gotten much worse in the new school.

I think you need to pencil in some time alone with DS - just going out to the cinema or something he would enjoy.

DS1 (8 yrs) hates pretty much all boy type stuff (football etc) but he goes to an art club which he loves. He has made a lot of friends through it. IME boys tend to like computer clubs too.

Do you get to spend much time with him, just the two of you?

Facebookaddict- we are in France and teachers' duties re social inclusion here are very different from those in the UK, I believe. I will have a meeting with his teacher in a couple of weeks, so we'll see.
I so agree about new skills empowering him, but he is scared to try new things ie bike, rollerskating etc- it's sort of funny, because he is the tallest in his class and can be very nonchalant and seemingly assured, so you would never think he has all those fears. I have been trying to teach him how to ride a bike- he refuses. It's like that with everything- but once he gets over his fear, he's fine and proud of himself, but it's this first step that is so difficult!
What scares me is that I can see how over time he seems to be thinking less of himself iyswim, for instance talking about not being doing so well in school-he is at top of his class, but doubts himself. I'm not pushy about academic achievement, by the way, so it's not that.
Showing love is the easy part

Okay am up to date on thread now. Please please avoid CBT. That makes an formal escalated issue of something I am sure a lot if kids go through. In our grandparents era this would simply be referred to as dhy and you sound on the ball so he has enough to get him through this. Party sounds like a good idea, as long as you see his problem being general acceptance and interaction rather than specific bullying ( what could be more scary than bullies at your birthday?)
I think many kids are born old and will sine in different ways than is socially acceptable do as long as you feel he is rounding into someone you see as a friend he'll be fine. On a harsh note, single parent or not/ only child or not/ quiet personality or not, playing games and losing sometimes- to a parent- is something all kids need to deal with.... Fix this with reptition and coaching. This is in your control and allowing him to 'fail' in your sturdy love will actually make him more confident ling term ( I think )

No, Serenity, not that much- breakfast and then after school it's between him, DD, cooking dinner etc. A proper one-to-one time only after dinner, maybe an hour? And weekends, obviously, but then again it's more of a family time.
I spoke with DP and we have decided that now that DD doesn't bf every two hours, I will take him to cinema etc couple times a onth at least, just me and him.
On the other hand, he seems to like to help out a bit with DD and me and him can be 'the adults' versus the 'silly baby'. He can get grumpy with her, too and close his room to get away from her (understandable).

We x posted. Sounds to me like he's scared of failing. Ever done a sneaky IQ test. Could we be dealing we extreme superiority of intellect.....? Fear of failing, fear of being different, unsure of how to be like others when clearly way ahead of the game?.... Get him some secret superpowers so he can be 'normal' at school put excel privately where he is less 'ashamed'

Facebook,I thought about CBT as being less of a big deal than going to a psychoanalyst or similar ie saw it more as 'coaching'? But I know nothing about it really, so you're probably right.
And yes, I have to tackle his inability to lose gracefully- he's like that with everything, though-he hates losing, s that's why he will not try new things.

By the way sorry for typos. IPhone bloody awful.

x-posted again. Hmmm...have I got a genius on my hands?
Have to go now as DD has woken up, but thank you all so much and any more suggestions will be welcome!

Hi again winnybella - been thinking about this some more (and went to sleep so missed the rest last night).
I think the you and DS time idea is excellent. There seems (from your posts) to have been a lot of upheavals in his life, all for the best reasons, but that could be why he seems unsure of himself and afraid of failure. It could be that having that regular time, just with his mother, throughout the month will let him relax a bit and feel more secure. It will also give him an example of socialising and interacting with other people. And, if there is anything that he wants to discuss with just you, that could be the time he feels comfortable to do it (like if he's having problems at school).

I've found these comments very useful as am afraid of coming up against this with ds2, who is a bit difficult socially. He really is a lovely child, and a bit wacky with all sorts of elaborate imaginative ideas, but he has a self image problem - he thinks he can't do things, when actually he can. He's sandwiched between 2 other very self-confident and very smart, quick brothers - so different from him - and that doesn't help. I need to find him something where he feels really at home and is not afraid of failing. He's only 5 though, so the lack of social confidence in the class is less obvious.

I feel for you a lot - mine are also in French school and we moved this year. The school is also enormous - 125 kids in DS1's year group alone (CE1). When he - 7yo - came home the first few days saying he hadn't played with anyone I had to choke back the tears. Luckily he's socially competent, and once I'd worked out the right cards he needed for swapping at break (in secret of course to avoid the wrath of the dragon teachers) he was fine.

I joined the PTA-equivalent (UPE it's called here) as a way of getting to know people better as the size of the school makes it very disparate - can you do that? It would make it easier to make friends with other mums.

On the other hand, he had a problem in class a few weeks ago because he was next to a child who bothered him for a variety of reasons and was starting to dislike school because of it. I told the teacher about it in the morning, and she moved him the same day to a spot that suited him better and he was really happy. So I don't think you should write off French teachers as being unsupportive per se.

Btw I think scouts is a great idea, as social inclusion is such an important part of the ethos. I remember some disabled and Down's girls at guides when I was young, and they were all fully included in everything we did, so the leaders must have worked hard on keeping everyone involved. You're also put in a small group with a role of your own, and there are lots of different activities for all tastes.

Romanarama, I think I'll try to get know mums from his class, won't join the PTA as am with DD non-stop so wouldn't really have time and will have to go back to work soon, but will make an effort on the playground, once the weather is a bit better and they stay open for longer after school.

Yesterday something happened that got me worried a bit: he came to me and said that his heart is racing, I felt his pulse and it was very fast. So I felt it bit later again when he was in bed getting ready to sleep and it was normal. But today before school again he said the same thing and again it was very fast. I wonder if it's anxiety? Or should I take him to the doctor?

It probably is anxiety, but take him anyway. My ds1 had a full check up with a cardiologist last year, because the school doc reported a possible murmur. He was fine, but I would have done nothing but worry if I hadn't taken him.

Thanks, Romanarama. He will be with exp from today, I would have to persuade him...Would you wait til Monday to see GP or go to A&E?

I'd prob go to A&E, but only because our local A&E is really nice and they'd be able to do any tests on the spot without me needing another appointment and to drag all the kids somewhere else who knows when. If you're not in the same situation then I'd wait if it's just pulse racing a bit on and off and not getting worse.

Winnybella- hope DS okay. Sorry I've been absent today- busy day- but was thinking of you both and had one further thought. They say ( well steve biddulph in book "raising boys") that around age of 7 boys start to need father/male role model figure more. I know you said your slight useless but loving XP is in regular contact but perhaps he is finding he needs more male activities/ time too? Is new partner sympathetic to situation? Plenty of bonding potential which can only help, particularly if EP is brought in on plan and isn't competetive about it..,

Oh yes, that book is good, I'd forgotten about that - it really says that from 6 on the Dad is key for boys. I've seen that in my ds1.